I'm 49 i have a wife and I've been married about 13 years. we have a boy around 9 years old and we own A house together, and we are planning our future and retirement (dreaming about our next steps).
i have tried to come out to her and she basically came back with its in my head and i need to stop analyzing my life so much and being in my fantasy world so much. when i try to talk to her about hard things she blows up, freaks up, cries, basically cant control herself. as a result, i run for cover and end back in my closet so she can be content that her marriage is safe. I've tried to come out a few times and each time its me, or she says things like. 'This isn't going to work', or 'i cant do this' followed by 'my life is ruined', and 'i have no where to go' and 'now what am i going to do?'. this freaks me out so bad. I'm very very empathic and can feel her distress, and it causes me to freak out and say do anything to fix the situation. so i remain in my closet, suffering. I'm moody, angry and dark a lot, yet i hide it well. I've become good at lying, because its a survival thing at this point.
i don't want to lose my wife and best friend, but I'm stuck and don't know how to remedy this. i want to be real with her, and i need her to not freak out on me. how do i get her to sit and listen and not be a tempest?
sigh.
Many of us have travelled this same path. It is perhaps one of the most common themes we see here. I had exactly the same situation but with children aged 2 and 5. My life was misery. We were both strong willed individuals and every night I came home from work, we'd have "a talk." I couldn't stand it.
There may come a point in your life when your drive to pursue transition outweighs even the value of your own life. If that is the case, start organizing your financials for a divorce or legal separation. When this happened to me, I could only remain with her for three or four more months. And then one morning, I got up, told her I loved her very much but she was still young enough to find a real man and have a happy life. I've had many bumps and potholes to navigate along the way. But I made it this far. Well, far enough to get married to a man who just left me 4 months ago because he needed a 'real woman." Yes I told him up front on our second date. Life goes on. Love hurts. We somehow manage to live through it. You will. You'll find the strength to do what is right for yourself and your family.
I wish you the very best. I'm sorry you are in so much pain.
Cindi
Hugs to both of you! Rub-a-dub-dub, we're three women in a tub. Except I think we need an ocean liner because there are a lot more than three of us.
Dee (I refuse to have a pity party!)
It may help if you see a therapist and ask her to go to an appointment with you. Having that third person there may help her to remain calm and help answer her concerns as well.
I plan on writing her a letter and giving it to her, but then I think I just need to sit her down, when our son is asleep and just lay it out, and see what happens, with car keys in one hand in case I just need to go get a hotel for a few days...
I don't want her to think I'm disgusting, or hate me, Its still me.. just the real real me. I wish there was a solution, where she would come to me and say "honey, I know you are a woman, and I've bought you some starter clothes, go try these pants on, and these flats" I know I'm delusional... but there it is, I wish that could be.
In a dream world, that sometimes happens. But she thought she married a man. She had a child with you. And now you are telling her that you are not. Think about how long you have thought through this. Don't expect her to accept it in any less time. Especially since she has no concept of how WE feel.
Cindi
she is very important to me, and my best friend. but an Irish tempest. I don't want to lose her, but I need to be me. I would love for us to stay together, but I get her side of it as well. this was NOT in the original contract.