Long time lurker, rare poster :)
I've been thinking a lot about what's been keeping me from transitioning, and I feel like the reason is something that I know some others deal with too: I'm in a relationship with a partner who doesn't want it. In fact, it would end the relationship. I love my girlfriend, we've been together 7+ years. She's known about me being trans for the last 3 of those. She's always pushing for me to find a way to repress things; at this point she's fine with me having minimal clothing/makeup and only being myself when she's away, but I have to be back to boy mode by the time she sees me.
That's tough to deal with, and I always ask myself why I continue to. I know I can think logically, and when I think about the situation it makes sense that if one person has to be miserable for the other person to be happy then maybe it's not a good match. Also, if someone can look at you and tell you that they can never love you if you live as who you are that's probably another sign. And realizing that, I still find myself here. I'm scared of the fight that will ensue if I were to tell her that I was leaving and have to transition; I'm scared of the negative feelings that come with that; I have a hard time dealing with letting her down--I feel like it's my responsibility to make sure she's happy, and happy with me even though it leads me to being on antidepressants and smoking pot like a pack a day cigarette smoker. I feel like I've put her needs above my own for so long that I don't know what I want on a whole host of topics from where to eat dinner to where to vacation. In a way I feel like a companion that has been tailored to fit her personality and wants.
Is this codependency, a normal thought process, or something else? Do any other trans people find themselves unable to move forward and in a stagnant state because of this self imposed blockade?
Hi Shelby,
A certain amount of codependency is good, maybe even necessary, for any functional relationship. However, too much of it can be harmful, and I can see some signs of it when you say you have to be on anti-depressants or smoke too much in order to be what someone else wants you to be.
It is perfectly normal to feel responsible for another person's happiness in a relationship, and to give in to their needs on some things, but if it leads to erasing your own personality, it is not healthy.
From relatively small things like where to eat dinner or where to vacation, to relatively important things like not being able to dress and behave the way you want, despite your partner knowing your situation, it seems that you are sacrificing too much of yourself at every step. I am not sure if you and your girlfriend have thought about the future of your relationship, but if marriage and/or a family is something either/both of you are planning, have you thought about whether you will want to be in the role of a husband and a father if you are already having trouble fitting into the role of a boyfriend, and that too a restricted definition of a boyfriend?
You have every right to make an individual decision about your relationship, and fear of someone's negative reaction is not a good reason to put it off. Maybe you can get someone else to help / intervene if you fear for your personal safety, but other than that, if you have to let go of someone / something to be happy, it is better to do it sooner rather than later.
Hope that helps.
Take care
Cindy
Hi Shelby,
I'm in a very similar situation with my husband of 15 years. I'm very, very slowly getting to a place where I accept that I, too, have a right to be happy and where I stop blaming myself for what's happening to our relationship. It's a painful and difficult process, and I wouldn't be able to do this without my therapist. I still feel so guilty for destroying his happiness and for taking something away from him that he thought would be "forever". But I'm beginning to accept that it is his decision. I love him and want to stay with him. He is the one who has decided that he doesn't want me around if I begin to transition. He has his reasons that I must accept, and I hope that I will stop blaming myself for causing this at some point.
You could think about seeing a therapist helping you through the process.
And you could think about either pair therapy, or she choosing a therapist as well...
And you might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has some biological connections, which is imo socially a bit better acceptable, and it might help with self acceptance. It basically states its not a whim, and its nothing like a light hearted decision.
Sometimes people have preconceived ideas for example by the media (which is changing now), and have no real understanding...
Well since you know them best its up to you what you say... you might even think about showing the brochure...
Often trans people have grown up seeing it as a necessity to adapt. So its possible you are more used to adapt to others instead of talking it out, and possibly finding a compromise.
Imo a counselor could really help. maybe someone who has gender on their list... helping you on your way...
if its connected with depressions for example it might be covered...
And there might be support groups...
Wow, some great perspectives and info, thanks everybody :)
That NHS brochure was fantastic
It's a tough situation. My wife and are in a very co-dependant marriage. I've recognized this and am trying to fix it and create some level of independence for both of us. She doesn't see it and I doubt she ever will. Pessimistic I know, but I've known her since I was 16, so I know her pretty well.
Ultimately, we are responsible for our own happiness. You have to do the things you need to be a whole person. Sometimes, 2 things you need are in conflict and you need to find a balance. But when one of those things or people is keeping you from achieving that balance and from being happy with yourself, you need to re-assess.
Good luck and hugs. Remember you are not alone.
I know a lot of people can go without transitioning but to me it sounds like she is suppressing you in a really negative way. I totally get that there are people out there who do not like men, or are not able to handle the unique problems that a transman will have versus a cismale. I was in a really stagant relationship prior to realizing I was trans...
7 years with a cis man who had his own issues, but he was drowning me. Not even because of trans related things, just life and maturity and coping. When we fell apart I was devastated and went into therapy soon after for help accepting being transgender and getting help from a professional who could give advice on how to come out. Up until the last year of our relationship I assumed we'd get married and live together forever dysfunctional but maybe happy sometimes. Looking back, I am SO HAPPY with my freedom. I used to look down on single people and now I look down on what a smug jerk I used to be and how I was using the relationship to avoid having to do anything I wanted with my life. Me being trans was like, the least of our worries, but he was as close to 100% straight as a guy could get and I really wasn't interested in being what he wanted anymore and I realized after the fact that I had never really liked being that person it just felt good to have someone paying attention to me.
I read a lot of Dan Savage, so my go to instinct is end it, get out, decide if therapy or career change/moving whatever is something you should do. There are women out there who would love you as trans, BECAUSE of it, not in spite of it, and they wouldn't expect you to 'guy up'.
I guess you have to ask yourself are you doing this because you really love her? Or are you scared to leave? Do you really think she loves you for you? In my opinion, only based off what you say, I would say she does not. Someone who really loves you unconditionally would want you to be who you are- If that means letting you go to be that person, to me that is true love. There is nothing wrong with not being into someone physically because we can't control what we need sexually! I know there are plenty gay men who aren't into transguys and that is perfectly ok! But there are gay guys out there who would love to be with me and I'd much rather be with someone that appreciate me, my body and my mind in whatever form that happens to be.