So I'm now out as ftm at home with most family and friends and that feels amazing! However the timing isn't right yet for me to come out at work. I truly feel like I'm living two lives and it's kicking my dysphoria into over drive and bringing on feelings of anxiety and depression that almost feels worse than when I was totally in the closet so to speak. Can anyone else relate to this? How did you deal with it?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
I was in a similar situation a while back, only then I was unemployed but still had to fluctuate between male (at home) and female (in public). I can't say it was nice, but I alleviated the negative feelings and thoughts by trying to enjoy and celebrate the small things in life. You've come out to your family and you yourself said that it feels amazing. Then feel, and strive not to be afraid. That is a start. Give yourself room and time. There's a time and a place for everything, and if you continue down your chosen path persistently, things will work out, as they have for me.
Quote from: Ilmari on March 19, 2015, 12:41:32 PM
I was in a similar situation a while back, only then I was unemployed but still had to fluctuate between male (at home) and female (in public). I can't say it was nice, but I alleviated the negative feelings and thoughts by trying to enjoy and celebrate the small things in life. You've come out to your family and you yourself said that it feels amazing. Then feel, and strive not to be afraid. That is a start. Give yourself room and time. There's a time and a place for everything, and if you continue down your chosen path persistently, things will work out, as they have for me.
Thank you for sharing Ilmari. Not sure if your on T but if you are did starting on hormones help you?
I ask cuz I feel like if I could get started on T sooner than later it would really help with this over active feeling of dysphoria ...
Feeling good as a man is all about Testosterone in my humble opinion.
I think the girls deal with this a lot more, they just one day say screw it and go full time.
I can relate however I have the opposite issue. I'm now totally out at work and only out to my close family. It's harder with my family. Some are supportive and some are not. I like the advice of taking it slow and know that it will happen someday. Much of our identity and self-worth is often tied up with what we do for a living. If you have a close colleague who you know is open you may want to confide in them. I went to my HR person and had a frank talk about what was happening with me. If you can do this you might feel like you are moving forward even if it's slowly. I am wanting to burst out of the "closet" in my personal life as you probably are at work. Unfortunately I have to go painfully slow because I have kids who are trying to deal with this. I wish you luck!
Quote from: camron on March 19, 2015, 06:05:29 PM
I can relate however I have the opposite issue. I'm now totally out at work and only out to my close family. It's harder with my family. Some are supportive and some are not. I like the advice of taking it slow and know that it will happen someday. Much of our identity and self-worth is often tied up with what we do for a living. If you have a close colleague who you know is open you may want to confide in them. I went to my HR person and had a frank talk about what was happening with me. If you can do this you might feel like you are moving forward even if it's slowly. I am wanting to burst out of the "closet" in my personal life as you probably are at work. Unfortunately I have to go painfully slow because I have kids who are trying to deal with this. I wish you luck!
Thank you Camron for sharing ... I have told one person at work but it's one of the girls in the office whom I have a friendship with I think my next step will be to confide in one of the guys on the floor who I consider a friend outside of work ... it is definitely a struggle to not burst out and tell people especially when they call me by my female name or use feminine pronouns ... I know patience is key but patience isn't something I have a lot of ... I just keep thinking this point in time will eventually be nothing but a spec in the big picture of life!
I can completely relate to this. Last year I basically had a breakdown and one of the major contributing factors was that I had to present as female at work. The place I worked for was very conservative and as if that weren't bad enough my boss was bizarre to say the least. I already have social anxiety that comes and goes with my dysphoria but having to pretty much play pretend all day made it ten times worse. Eventually I was laid off from the job due to budget cuts in the company and it sucked but in retrospect it probably saved my sanity.
Something that helped me was having other people who knew me as male so even though I had to pretend to be female at work I could come home and be myself again. It also helps to remind myself that I wasn't really living two separate lives, that I'm still the same person at my core, it's just others' perceptions of me that change. Some have it right and know I'm male while others, like the people at work, just don't know me that well.
The thing that always gave me trouble was that it's very hard for me to interact socially as a female so I'm always hyper-aware of how I'm presenting myself and how I'm acting when I'm forced into a feminine role. Always being so self-conscious is what really brought me down. It was like some weird opposite form of trying to pass in order to keep myself in the closet rather than trying to get out of it.
I'm having a similar but kinda opposite problem at the moment.
I'm out to a few close friends ( I don't really have family so the friends I'm out to I would consider my "family"). But the timing is wrong to be out in the world and I'm also pre-T (if that matters). Because I'm not out 100%, I didn't ask my friends to start using my correct name/pronouns yet.
And while I feel like I'm not going to ask them to start until I'm out more or on T, sometimes it gets hard and really kicks up my dysphoria because I feel like I can't be "me" anywhere. But at the same time, I don't want to live two lives and confuse everyone until I'm ready to come out to more people. If that makes sense.
So I guess try to enjoy the times/spaces when you can be yourself. And when the time is right to go full force, do it!
QuoteThank you for sharing Ilmari. Not sure if your on T but if you are did starting on hormones help you?
I ask cuz I feel like if I could get started on T sooner than later it would really help with this over active feeling of dysphoria ...
I'm a male-to-female, but in this instance I see little difference when talking about living two lives as two sexes. Yes, starting hormones was a bit of a relief but even then the changes were very gradual. I had a similar romantic conviction in the back of my mind that hormones would fix most of the issues and alleviate the dysphoria, but it turned out to be false. Alas, I found that the greatest relief and feelings of contention with who and what I am came from ceasing to focus on the negative things and notions and taking all the joy out of having discovered myself. Discovery of self - or at least a part of you - is a major achievement in itself, and in the course of enduring the mental struggle pertaining to this whole process I've also had the chance of growing as a person and as a human being. That, to me, has been the most beautiful gift. Yes, your body taking the shape and form of what you know and feel to be inside invokes feelings of euphoria, but it's nothing compared to maturing and becoming stronger as a result of the entire process.
QuoteThank you Camron for sharing ... I have told one person at work but it's one of the girls in the office whom I have a friendship with I think my next step will be to confide in one of the guys on the floor who I consider a friend outside of work ... it is definitely a struggle to not burst out and tell people especially when they call me by my female name or use feminine pronouns ... I know patience is key but patience isn't something I have a lot of ... I just keep thinking this point in time will eventually be nothing but a spec in the big picture of life!
Going back to my previous post, I've learned patience through accepting the fact that in our case, there is no quick and easy solution. You take one step at a time, and even if it might feel arduous and the road wrought with difficulty, you're approaching your set goals nonetheless.
Quote from: Alexthecat on March 19, 2015, 02:51:29 PM
I think the girls deal with this a lot more, they just one day say screw it and go full time.
That was me pretty much. At the start of last year I was planning to go full time in June 2014, but the constant changing between modes was driving me nuts so I went three months earlier instead. And what a relief.