So, I'll just lay this out the best way I know how.
I kind of feel like I don't have the first clue as to what identity I am and I've been going at this for like two years now.
I'm an amab and in a lot of ways, the boy role doesn't fit me. I was never super masculine and I never really did the normal boy things. That being said, I've been doing the MtF thing for some time now and I'll be totally honest, I'm not even sure that totally fits all the time either. A lot of times I can feel... complacent with that but then I'll have bursts of like 'well maybe I'm not completely male to female, maybe I'm just floating around in the ether of gender land'. Like... I saw this picture of this guy earlier and he looked kind of cool. And for a moment... I was just like... I could see myself being that and I was really ok with that. I know that it doesn't fit but it was an interesting moment to have.
So, as of late, I'm kinda thinking my identity is something like this: girl by day, gender bender by night. Like, maybe a demigirl?
I don't know.
Current gender: burying my face in a pillow and screaming.
Quote from: PoeticHeart on March 19, 2015, 07:13:06 PM
'well maybe I'm not completely male to female, maybe I'm just floating around in the ether of gender land'
I've had a feeling that I could describe that way. (I don't know if what I'm feeling really is what you're feeling.)
I can't say I've seen any men who made me want to be a man. But I can't see myself becoming a woman, either, though I wish I could. (Sort of like how I wish I could become a good enough musician to make a living at it, but can't see it actually happening.)
Quote from: PoeticHeart on March 19, 2015, 07:13:06 PM
Like... I saw this picture of this guy earlier and he looked kind of cool. And for a moment... I was just like... I could see myself being that and I was really ok with that. I know that it doesn't fit but it was an interesting moment to have.
There's no law that says that all our gender thoughts have to fit. I've had moments like that (though I really love living full time as a woman). It's OK to keep exploring our genders. Doesn't mean everything we've already found out about ourselves is wrong.
Does this help?
I can definitely understand how you feel. There are days when I wake up and think "yup, definitely need to be female." Then there are days when I feel rather the opposite. It can be something of a rollercoaster at times. But it's like Suzzi said: nothing has to be set in stone, even if the whole thing can prove maddening at times (and it does).
I'm very fortunate to have a couple of dear friends that I can talk to about this, and if that doesn't work, a nice 4-5 mile run helps too. You'd be surprised how much a little physical exercise can help with things. I hope things go your way, and wish you nothing but the best!
Quote from: Asche on March 19, 2015, 08:40:01 PM
I can't say I've seen any men who made me want to be a man. But I can't see myself becoming a woman, either, though I wish I could.
I think this really encapsulates how I feel for a lot of the time. I basically never feel male and masculinity never appeals to me. Femininity appeals to me but I can't see myself transitioning in the way my transwomen friends have and I find their gender expression
too feminine. That said, I terribly desire a more feminine body but wouldn't pursue surgery.
I have come to the conclusion that I'm me. Sometimes that is a neutral gender, sometimes I feel like a demigirl, sometimes I feel androgynous and sometimes I don't feel anything. Throughout all that though I am just me, irrespective of labels and maybe hormones will get me to a place where I can stop caring quite so much!
I feel you; I don't think I have a clue about my gender identity.
Quote from: PoeticHeart on March 19, 2015, 07:13:06 PM
A lot of times I can feel... complacent with that but then I'll have bursts of like 'well maybe I'm not completely male to female, maybe I'm just floating around in the ether of gender land'.
The word 'complacent' really struck a chord for me here.
I know that my gender identity means something a lot more to other people than it does to me. By that I mean; I can be just disinterested in my gender identity and settle for whatever pronoun people use when talking to me. But then get this feeling of unease because I feel like this gender thing should be such an important part of my identity, when really I don't identify with any of it yet. I don't know if you think your feelings of gender confusion are coming from a similar place?
I think gender is such a big part in all of our lives e.g. (cliché, but) the first thing people often ask someone with a new baby is; is it a boy or a girl?, and sometimes I wonder why we're not surrounded by something else instead. Sometimes I feel like I relate to what some asexual people say when they talk about being confused by people always talking about sex.
A lot of gender is performative, and is just a way of communicating your gender identity to the world. So if you don't wish to perform certain aspects of a gender it doesn't mean you can't identify as that gender. Classic example, wearing dresses and makeup do not a woman make.
Having said that I identify as a demigirl, it encapsulates how I feel about my femininity and I like the fact I don't have to define my gender beyond being "somewhat female"
Poetic Heart I admire your candor and sharing something that might make some of us feel too vulnerable. It is challenging in a practical sense to live in world that obviously has distinct binary preferences. So much of our gender identity gets conflated with gender roles when it seems obvious that all kinds of people love to be and act in ways that are not strictly male or female. I like that so many people here recognize our journey as a path to being our true selves. It is a process and, for me, no definite formula or goal is needed.
Complexity is hard for some people to live with and is part of why many of us, IMO, will settle on a label that comes close. We all know people who have been in long term heterosexual relationships with children etc and then come out as gay or lesbian. I don't challenge their self identification but it suggests some evolving change or self awareness occurred? Life is a process of change. My embodiment of being a transgender girl sure doesn't work for some and my loudest critics have been other LGBT people. How does someone credibly give us advice on just being ourselves? Here, take my advice, i'm not using it. Solidarity with a community is not synonymous with being the same. Dream and scream on :D
I'll throw in the concept of genderfluid....although I'll be the first to admit this concept has some issues, at least when applied to me...mainly that if you ever truly identify as genderfluid, it's hard to change your identity to something else, because it's just a flip...that said, it's where I am...I'm a girl most of the time, but sometimes not...the flips are not as bad as they used to be though...my masculine side is part of my personality, even if it isn't the dominant part. That part is essential to me, maybe it is to you also...that part can't be fully purged in me, nor should it...whatever you might be, now is the time to truly find yourself! It might be a little scary, what you find, but it's easier to handle if you know what you are dealing with...