I'm really down now lately about this, and it's the one reason I've contemplated going back. I just wish I could meet someone I am really attracted to-not just someone who "loves" me or some BS but someone who is smart, stimulating, who I can really love life with...and I'm virtually certain that because I'm trans, won't ever be able to afford surgery, and look disgustingly ugly nobody will ever want to love me. I just want to cry :( Why couldn't I have been pretty? I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect. I hate it.
Big hugs - we all have our moments. Sometimes, we may just have to work on our selves first before the right person can come along.
You are not ugly!
I am currently reading Janet Mock's book Redefining Realness and so far I am learning a lot from it.
xxx
April
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 22, 2015, 06:21:09 PM
I'm really down now lately about this, and it's the one reason I've contemplated going back. I just wish I could meet someone I am really attracted to-not just someone who "loves" me or some BS but someone who is smart, stimulating, who I can really love life with...and I'm virtually certain that because I'm trans, won't ever be able to afford surgery, and look disgustingly ugly nobody will ever want to love me. I just want to cry :( Why couldn't I have been pretty? I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect. I hate it.
Pfft. Janet mock looks like a supermodel and passes without question. I'm so ugly I want to vomit when I look in a mirror.
I certainly don't see an ugly girl when I look at your avatar picture and if you've come this far you already know in your heart that going back isn't a viable option. All you'd be doing is exchanging your present distress for something a lot worse. You might be alone at the moment, but at least you are completely you and not living a lie.
Did something happen recently that contributed to you feeling down? I know myself there were plenty of times when I was feeling good only to have somebody hurl abuse at me or threaten me and before I knew it the pit of despair was right there waiting for me to fall into it.
Something I love about being a woman is that you can have a bloody good cry if you want to and let go of all that misery and tension. Afterwards you can wipe away your tears and blow your nose and get back to it again.
When I see your profile pick I don't see ugly and that includes the many other photos you have posted too. Your not ugly. You have a lot going for you and the their is someone out their for the kind person you are. You have a lot to offer and the right person will see that. Big hugs and good luck.
Mariah
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 22, 2015, 06:43:25 PM
Pfft. Janet mock looks like a supermodel and passes without question. I'm so ugly I want to vomit when I look in a mirror.
I don't think your ugly
I know that fear so much, it is something that eats at me.
I don't think you're ugly at all. And you certainly look better than I did at 2 years. For some of us, it takes time to realize the full effects.
And personally, I wouldn't sweat the whole relationship thing. Heck, I've been alone for 22 years now, mostly out of choice and necessity, but I think if you really do want to be with someone, you do need to enjoy being with yourself first. A corny saying, but true.
As a guy I was short and fat and I was married twice. Everyone has their someone, so unless you're looking for perfection you'll find someone.
Honestly I am worried about it too, but if I think about it then it would eat at me. Right now I am opening and exploring a new word. Taking care of me.
Stay strong op and positive:)
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Girl girl girl! You're worrying me so much lately. You're setting out this wrongly. Waaay long before worrying about finding love outside of you, you should be growing love inside you (damn, this sh*t sounds like I'm a pothead) you should love, cherish yourself and made things just for yourself. Now, the two main points here:
1.Beauty:
- I don't think you're ugly (and seriously doubt that's the overall impression about your appereance, because i'm *always* right). In fact if I were attracted to women I'll be hitting on you for sure. Also I think maybe 80% of ciswomen (being conservative) could benefit from FFS. This doesn't mean they don't "pass" without it, this means they just could benefit from it. If you want my opinion, your starting point could be almost the ending point for some FFS candidates. Unless your brow, any other procedures should be purely cosmetic. Not to make you pass, but to make you go from cute to stunning.
- This overlaps with point 2 but... are you sleeping enough? eating healthy? avoiding bad habits? Depression and sadness could worsen a lot your appearance. Your look is kinda dark and your eyes look tired/sad (not completely opened). Getting rid of dark circles, depression and bad thoughts could be a serious improvement. Also a nice diet who gives you sustained energy levels and some exercise to speed up metabolism are good considerations.
- If I were you, will do (not neccesarily on this order): chemical hair straightening, hydration (keratin) masks, lightening the hair at least 2 or 3 tones until getting a colour that suits your skin (ask your colourist), go to a brow bar (you need way more tidy eyebrows, maybe more thick and high-set towards the nose, look for "hd eyebrow" or something like that), and maybe some new hairdressing and makeup.
2. Attitude
- If I were into girls, after seeing you on the street I'll probably think some "jesus, this girl, looks like she came out from Vogue pages". After seeing/hearing your attitude... well, let's say I'll not be that much interested. I saw it in other people (not trans), even in me. That dynamic obscure you, impede you to shine, and prevent people from seeing your real self. Even for those super bigoted; shine and prove yourself well above them.
- Just for mental sanity, you should derail that train of thought (aka "everybody dislikes me"). Give a sh*t about their looks, their opinions, their stares, their comments, laugh about them. Forever alone? Here in Spain we say "Siempre hay un roto para un descosido" (there's a lid for every pot). Take it easy, really, and please, open a Vogue magazine, there are tons of Vogue models with squarish jaws, bony and high foreheads.
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Not sayin to stop pursuin your goals, but please, empower yourself, care less about people. Know what works for me? Running/cicling. I burn that anger by running or cycling until my heart, lungs and legs hurt. Not just makes me healthier and fit, it empowers me and acts like a perfect "discharge valve".
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 22, 2015, 06:21:09 PM
I just wish I could meet someone I am really attracted to-not just someone who "loves" me or some BS but someone who is smart, stimulating, who I can really love life with...
There's no reason why you won't... plenty of people like that out there you just have to have the luck to find them and the courage to tackle them.
Quote...and I'm virtually certain that because I'm trans, won't ever be able to afford surgery, and look disgustingly ugly nobody will ever want to love me.
You aren't ugly. Seriously. No one is paying me to say that. Also, looks never need be a barrier to a meaningful relationship. And as long as you're hating on yourself like that people will usually feel less inclined to approach you let alone want to get to know you better.
QuoteWhy couldn't I have been pretty? I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect. I hate it.
Hon, you really need to respect yourself first - respect from other people flows out of that. Hugs. :)
Hey, I am new here and I came on here to look for answers to my own problems and in my search across this site I came across your statement. You say why couldn't you look really pretty? Well I was born Intersexed, I'm petite Latina origin n everyone says I am real pretty. I'll tell you through experience feeling beautiful is within and not just on the outside ok. A woman is not a man and so life for a woman cannot be compared to a mans. As for you, if that is a picture of you girl there isn't anything wrong with you ok, you look just fine. It's more to do with your own insecurities that you perceive yourself that way when in fact your not ugly by a very long shot. I don't know if your just transitioning but if you are I guess it is lack of self confidence which makes you a little scared.
Hey, gay guys go out there and dress how they want and do their thing and for the most especially with the younger generations they are more accepted and so they should be. So you going through a transitional period of changing I guess that's what you want from m/f you need to get yourself in with a good peer group of friends to boost your self esteem. Hey, there are all kinds of women out there who are all shapes and sizes who look good and not as good but who manage to find themselves a partner be it male or female. Beauty don't necessarily make a person more secure about themselves. It's all about you and the friends you chose around you that makes you a happier person because they will want you as their friend and you will feel wanted which will make you feel better within yourself and build-up your confidence.
A beautiful girl can find herself being used. A girl who is more relaxed within herself will be more secure within herself and that way she will pick n choose who her friends are and when her friends see she is a confident person she will attract more of the right kind of people. Who wants the wrong people latching on?
There are plenty of people out there who will love you but love doesn't happen just like that to most people, it takes time. Learn to love yourself first and play for time and make some good friends by joining groups and slowly making friends.
If it's sex your looking for then your looking for trouble cuz you'll end up being used, but if that's what you want, so what you want. But if you are genuine you will be patient and you will do one thing at a time step by step and that goes for everyone.
Being a woman isn't easy and no woman ever said it was. It's not all about glamor it's about who you are as a person.
You look good ok so quit worrying n do more of the socializing which will build your confidence.
Besos 'kisses'
Tianna
You are most definitely not ugly and my comment is supported by all who have responded. Being ugly or not is seperate from finding someone who loves you, stimulates you, and makes you happy. Its not the looks but what is in your heart and soul that attracts someone that can fufill you. There is someone for each and every one of us out there, give it time, it will happen. We all are so much more critical of our looks than other who can see the beauty in us.
Nobody wants to be alone forever, but, frankly speaking, chances for that outcome are 50/50 - You either will find someone or someone will find You, or.. it's just not going to happen. And there are plenty of people out there (cis and trans) who are alone and probably will stay that way... I will not comment on Your looks, painter, because I have said it before, but You cannot be convinced (neither can I!). And what are the chances for You to stay alone if You revert? The same as above - either... or.
For me, I am quite sure that I will live my life alone, but this prospect does not scare me - at least, I have a daughter to care about. Why does this possibility scare You?
You are attractive! Certainly not ugly, don't put yourself down :-*
It's funny but years ago I was told that when you are not positive e.g... Down and feeling like everything is against you, it probably will be... So try and have a positivity about yourself, radiate good vibes and you'll find people will be more attracted to you... I certainly believe it, if your positive people do want to be with you, I can vouch for that certainly in work and mixed company...
You will meet someone or more and find the right friends and relationships.
xoxoxo
L Katy :-*
I am also scared of being alone forever. But I have faith and truly believe there is someone out there for everyone regardless of who you are or what you look like. Just be a kind / nice person to whoever you can and karma will reward you with what you want. This may take time so don't lose hope.
Get a puppy or kitty? Something that comes over and makes you pet it preferably.
Shucks, I'd date you. :) Most of the girls here that worry that they'll never find anyone just aren't looking in the right places; love can be found anywhere and with anyone from all walks of life. Try not to get discouraged; it'll come.
See my signature.
In the first place I don't think you are ugly, but in the second sometimes I think we can all be our own worst enemies when we come to finding partners. For example perhaps someone may be attracted to transwomen and we will write them off because we immediately assume they are just "->-bleeped-<-s."
That's just one example, by the way, you can substitute any other identifiable characteristic to that – it's a bit like Woody Allen saying he wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would admit someone like him. We kind of find reasons to bin the very people that most want us.
I should declare that I had a 25 year partnership which only ended in 2013 when I was widowed. However my point is that as it worked out my partner was the last person in the world I would have chosen, but she chose me, and fortunately at the time I was open enough to figure that someone who really wanted me, for whatever reason, was probably a reasonable bet in terms of long-term stability. So I kind of rolled along with it, and things worked out pretty well.
So my top tip is if you want to find someone try not to have too fixed an idea of who and what you are looking for.
Me? Well I'm a widowed, 30 year postop, trainee doctor. Technically I'm already almost old enough to retire but as I'm just about to start a whole new career I probably won't be retiring for at least twenty five years – by which time I will be over 80. Oh and I live in the UK, I'm bisexual, and so open to whatever comes my way. I reckon someone will sign up for me sooner or later one way or another. This isn't a dating site of course, and even if it was I'm not seriously advertising at the moment, as I'm rather busy trying to pass my degree, but like many here I'm open minded...
So don't fret – something will work out sooner or later just keep an open mind, and welcoming heart. That's the secret really.
You are pretty.
Being alone, probability says no but you control al lot of the odds. The more you can influence the odds in your favor the better your probability of connecting with someone. Many of the items you can control or influence and some things you can not.
This is a fear I identify with for sure, before I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago it certainly ran through my head "what if I never find someone again?" But, ultimately that is a poor reason to stay with (or to get with) someone.
It is an irrational fear and I wish I could say something to alleviate it for you but truth be told I have to tell myself to be objective and try and be super positive to realize that I am worthwhile, and while mostly the people who flirt with me are guys and I have no interest in men, clearly someone is into me so that means eventually I will find someone who is into me who I also like back.
What's your context about love and relationship? coz I believe that your actions and feelings around love and relationship is dictated by the context you are living in. Shift that and see if the game changes.
April
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 22, 2015, 06:21:09 PM
I'm really down now lately about this, and it's the one reason I've contemplated going back. I just wish I could meet someone I am really attracted to-not just someone who "loves" me or some BS but someone who is smart, stimulating, who I can really love life with...and I'm virtually certain that because I'm trans, won't ever be able to afford surgery, and look disgustingly ugly nobody will ever want to love me. I just want to cry :( Why couldn't I have been pretty? I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect. I hate it.
You sound like you're very depressed. If you haven't, I suggest talking to a Dr, maybe getting some talk therapy. Talk therapy has been proven to help people. Cognitive behavioural therapy works. Go to the library and borrow a copy of "Full Catastrophe Living" its a bit like a self help book but, its not made up crap, its all based on real evidence based things you can do to help yourself.
A few things I want to point out to you.
1, There is nothing at all wrong with being alone, when you like your own company. Learn to like yourself. Find things you enjoy doing, and do them on your own. There's nothing broken in you that can be fixed by being with someone else. When you're confidant and ok with yourself, you're less likely to let what other people think bother you. Confidence is attractive. Its hard to get to know someone that doesn't think they're worth getting to know. Sometimes, people use self hate as a barrier to protect themselves from imagined threats. the thinking can go like this "It doesn't matter if someone thinks im ugly, because I already know I'm ugly"
"It doesn't matter if people say mean things, because I already say mean things to myself"
"It doesn't matter if people don't like me because I'm a transsexual woman, because I don't like transsexual women"
etc etc...
2 You're drop dead pretty. I've seen your photos. Deny it all you want. You're beautiful. You have a figure that models would drown a bag of kittens for, and your face is lovely. I know you say people look at you.. guess what? people look at women all the time. It's maddening at first but the simple fact is, unfortunately women get stared at all the time by men, and by other women. I used to find it really intimidating, now its just part of background noise of life. You wont always be so sensitive to it.
I think (and I have nothing to back this up) that the reason I was sensitive to it to start with is, being socialised as male, we're taught that making too much eye contact with someone is aggressive and an invitation to violence...
I remember one night a few years ago, I'd been on hrt for just over a year. I was sitting in the corner of a bar with some friends having a drink.. a guy kept looking at me.... then he walked over.. I was feeling really intimiidated and ready to defend myself so... I stood up and said "did you get eyes for christmas, c**t?" He was totally shocked and said "I'm really sorry I just wanted to say hi cause I noticed you sitting over there you seemed nice.." he walked off confused and probably quite offended. My friends pissed themselves laughing at my confusion and said "duuuhh, he liked you!"
They still tease me about it and ask if I'm going to pick fights with boys if we go out.
Moral of the story, people look at women. Its hard to get used to but you will, in the mean time, try not to drop C bombs on strangers in bars.
3, " I don't want to be an ugly girl nobody will ever listen to or respect"
That there in particular is really messed up thinking. you can tie respect to physicality. its just plain wrong. Pretty pretty please get some talk therapy? There are so many types of beauty.
Many people end up alone. It's okay. Make good friends. They won't fart in your bed.
I'm going through a very painful divorce and I'm no spring chicken anymore. Yes, my avatar pic is just a couple weeks old. But I'm 59. That's still young enough to snag another person, but I feel liberated at this point. I will be moving. I will make new friends. I will participate in community activities. I enjoy performing music. I like to write. The possibilities for meeting new and interesting people are endless.
And looks? If that avatar is your real pic, you've got nothing to worry about. But as others have mentioned beauty is a summation of the whole. Real beauty comes from within and as you get to know people (and most people are certainly not beauty queens) they will see the true you.
I wish you the best.
Chin up and all of that.
Cindi
I don't know. I hope you're all right, but I just feel like such an ugly man right now. I don't want to be a man! I shouldn't be one...that's all I can see, and I worry that's all anyone else is ever gonna see either :(
Ha! You should have seen me before I transitioned! I wasn't ugly but there was no way I could pass. I didn't have any facial work done except have electrolysis. Estrogens will change your face some, enough to make a difference.
The need to transition comes from within, not by how you appear. Find a way to deal with your depression. Therapy can help. Sometimes it can't. Find activities to keep you busy. Get plenty of exercise. The inner you will determine what you do.
My best.
Cindi
The inner me though...it's still just inner. I can't seem to bring the person I'd like to be in reality. I've been on hrt for two years, and I still see a guy when I look in the mirror.
QuoteThe inner me though...it's still just inner. I can't seem to bring the person I'd like to be in reality. I've been on hrt for two years, and I still see a guy when I look in the mirror.
Do you really see a man in the mirror, as you said, or is the poor pretty, vulnerable, kind, frightened, hopeful, angry girl that is looking back at you just different from what you thought she would be like?
Maybe you need a new mirror. You should get one that will show you what is actually there, and not reflect the negative perspective you seem to cultivate against yourself.
Then look her in the eyes and ask yourself why you are doing this to her, whether she deserves this. She is there, you just seem to continue to decide not to see her.
Perpetuating your negative thoughts keeps you feeling bad and from seeing what is there. Snap out of it.
No matter who or what you are, you should learn to love yourself before expecting love from others.
BTW my female self is different in almost every respect from what I thought "she" would be like, but I have learned to let her be (and look) herself, and she has never disappointed me.
Honey you are far from ugly. But i agree with the others you need to work on loving yourself before others will want to be with you. Another thing I'm not sure if you do it, but avoid obsessively looking in the mirror. I know I'm guilty of this and the more i do it the more frustrated i get, because i start to obsess over everything i don't like.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 24, 2015, 01:08:32 PM
The inner me though...it's still just inner. I can't seem to bring the person I'd like to be in reality. I've been on hrt for two years, and I still see a guy when I look in the mirror.
Listen up beautiful, HRT did NOTHING for me until after I had SRS. Yes, the testosterone runs strong in my family. Then all of a sudden, I started losing chest and leg hair. My boobs grew a bit. I never got strongly defined nipples but my ariolas (sic) grew and I look normal there. I've seen other women that don't have those nicely defined little marbles. I definitely don't look male by any means.
I got by before SRS by getting rid of my facial hair, getting a cute hair cut, and dressing nice.
Cindi