So, My mom and I got on the phone today, she called me yesterday and left a message and I managed to catch her on the return call today. Ostensibly, the call was to let me know she was headed out of town for the weekend and would be out of touch for whatever until her return next week. Ok, great, Mom, have a good time.
But then she throws out at me this.
After I dropped the trans bomb on her a few weeks ago she's had things rolling around in her head. She observed me in my teens as having the mood swings typical of a cycle, if on a muted scale. So, she suggests that maybe, because of the cyclic behaviours that I simply have "never felt girl enough" because of low female hormones in my system and so instead of FtM maybe I'm more of an AtF or, in her words a non-gender in a female body. She says that she will accept whatever I decide, but really... This is her desperate attempt not to lose her younger daughter. She mentioned that she gave birth to a little girl and other stuff like that.
I can see where it's also she's trying to protect me in a way, since hormones and surgeries tend to be difficult to reverse after a certain point, and she wants to know that I've explored all sides so that I don't go forward and then look back and regret, or become embarassed publicly. I thanked her and got off the phone because my bluetooth attachment was dying. (Hearing aids and phones need extra attachments to be smooth for utilization. I'm Deaf enough that headphones and the loudest volumes on phones aren't enough for me to make sense of the other person's talking.)
I told her that I have an appointment with the Gender Psychologist on Saturday, and I'll mention it as a parental theory, but I also said that there are other things that I remember and that happened to me that make me think "Hmm, no." Because my attachment was dying I didn't have the time to go through it all, but it just made me sad for her. Mom also asked that I let her know when she can speak freely with my older sister about it, since I haven't yet told Big Sis. She's got a new baby, only a month old, and the timing hasn't been right, plus I haven't been able to get out there to have a sit and talk with her yet.
Parents. Oof.
My mom is going through the same thing right. Trying to find any possible answer that will let me keep being her daughter.
Yep, good luck with yours. I'm oing to keep on doing what I'm oing anyhow, so she can go float her boat in some other stream on this one.
I'm not sure what's worse, them trying to convince you that this isn't what you want, or them just pretending it doesn't exist.
My mother still considers me a "butch lesbian." Improper pronouns, calls me "gay" or "lesbian," all that stuff. We never discuss the trans* thing unless it's brought up by someone else, in which case it's always awkward as anything I've ever experienced.
Hope you don't mind an mtf chiming in. I'm going through something similar with my wife. "I have no problem with trans people, you're just not one. I've never seen a hint of anything." I didn't know what I am until a year ago. Didn't really know what trans is. Of course she saw no hint. Was I going to confess daydreams of "magically" becoming a woman? Was I going to tell her that before I met her I seriously considered going nullo? Not that anyone had any idea what THAT was in 1979. How many people share their deepest thoughts and dreams with anyone if they're embarrassed by them?
Hadn't meant this to be about me, I intended it to be commiseration. Stay strong and be you for you. Ultimately you're the only person you can't live without.
Quote from: Dee Walker on March 26, 2015, 09:51:53 AM
Ultimately you're the only person you can't live without.
WOW. Dee, this is one of the most inspiring things I've ever read! I love this. I'm going to write it down right now so I don't forget.
Its hard to really know what goes on inside a parent's mind. The teen years are difficult for many people who aren't trans, and sometimes we lose our communication with out parents. What they see on the outside isn't always what we feel on the inside.
Some parents want either a son or daughter, but most are happy with what they get, and build dreams and aspirations around them. what the parents hopes for the child. They become proud of the son or daughter they believe they have, and when they are told that whoops!, the gender you thought you had wasn't, it turns their world upside down. Even if you have been a real "Tomboy", they still see a pretty young woman, probably think about grandkids and the like. Its easy to see why it would take time for them to fully come to terms with their daughter being their son.
After they absorb that, the guilty feelings start. "What did I do? Did I treat her like a boy?" "what kind of parent am I that I didn't see this when it was going on right under my nose?". Its hard when your parent(s) slip up with your pronoun, but it could be years before it stops. They need as much understanding as we do. In some ways, we have to become the parent on this issue.
Just my feeling, but your dysphoria and consequent plans to change your body's gender needs to come from you to your sister. She will have questions that only you can answer, and you don't want those questions answered wrong. Be ready for anything as far as reaction to the news. Even if its bad, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore than that it means that for your Mom. Let your Mother know that you would prefer to tell your sister. The timing might be tricky, but you're a smart guy. You'll figure it out.
I don't know how I would react if my son came to me and said that he was really my daughter. I guess the first thing I'd feel would be sorrow that he had to go through all that pain. (I say he since this is not a real scenario).
After that, even though I'm obviously trans too, i would feel some guilt, even though I would know that wasn't the cause.
The best we can do is try to help our loved ones through the process from beginning to end.
sam1234
Quote from: ReubenIsTheName on March 26, 2015, 08:27:11 AM
I'm not sure what's worse, them trying to convince you that this isn't what you want, or them just pretending it doesn't exist.
My mother still considers me a "butch lesbian." Improper pronouns, calls me "gay" or "lesbian," all that stuff. We never discuss the trans* thing unless it's brought up by someone else, in which case it's always awkward as anything I've ever experienced.
Yep, it can be a nightmare, right? Thankfully, I'm an adult and don't have to live with either of my parents. (The relief of that to me is... yeah more than I can say.)
Quote from: Dee Walker on March 26, 2015, 09:51:53 AM
Hope you don't mind an mtf chiming in. I'm going through something similar with my wife. "I have no problem with trans people, you're just not one. I've never seen a hint of anything." I didn't know what I am until a year ago. Didn't really know what trans is. Of course she saw no hint. Was I going to confess daydreams of "magically" becoming a woman? Was I going to tell her that before I met her I seriously considered going nullo? Not that anyone had any idea what THAT was in 1979. How many people share their deepest thoughts and dreams with anyone if they're embarrassed by them?
Hadn't meant this to be about me, I intended it to be commiseration. Stay strong and be you for you. Ultimately you're the only person you can't live without.
Chime in, chime in. And Dee, I gotta echo Clever here, smart and perfect one liner you got. :) I have been in that dark place of depression and suicidal thoughts, but not over being trans, and I'm taking anti-depressants as part of pain management, so I don't get down that low any more.
It will indeed take a while to bring the mother around, but hopefully, it'll happen. Dad and I agreed early on after I told him, that this would go hard on Mom so I expected it on one hand and yet it still stings. One day I will sit her down and tell her all those secret things, including lying in bed as a little kid visually cutting the flowers off the wall paper so I could throw them away, and all the little things that float some of us sleeper-trans folks through the years we think we are cis but something's just not right.
Quote from: sam1234 on March 26, 2015, 12:00:43 PM
Its hard to really know what goes on inside a parent's mind. The teen years are difficult for many people who aren't trans, and sometimes we lose our communication with out parents. What they see on the outside isn't always what we feel on the inside.
Some parents want either a son or daughter, but most are happy with what they get, and build dreams and aspirations around them. what the parents hopes for the child. They become proud of the son or daughter they believe they have, and when they are told that whoops!, the gender you thought you had wasn't, it turns their world upside down. Even if you have been a real "Tomboy", they still see a pretty young woman, probably think about grandkids and the like. Its easy to see why it would take time for them to fully come to terms with their daughter being their son.
After they absorb that, the guilty feelings start. "What did I do? Did I treat her like a boy?" "what kind of parent am I that I didn't see this when it was going on right under my nose?". Its hard when your parent(s) slip up with your pronoun, but it could be years before it stops. They need as much understanding as we do. In some ways, we have to become the parent on this issue.
Just my feeling, but your dysphoria and consequent plans to change your body's gender needs to come from you to your sister. She will have questions that only you can answer, and you don't want those questions answered wrong. Be ready for anything as far as reaction to the news. Even if its bad, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you anymore than that it means that for your Mom. Let your Mother know that you would prefer to tell your sister. The timing might be tricky, but you're a smart guy. You'll figure it out.
I don't know how I would react if my son came to me and said that he was really my daughter. I guess the first thing I'd feel would be sorrow that he had to go through all that pain. (I say he since this is not a real scenario).
After that, even though I'm obviously trans too, i would feel some guilt, even though I would know that wasn't the cause.
The best we can do is try to help our loved ones through the process from beginning to end.
sam1234
My mom's a nurse, and I've spent most of my life being "fixed" for whatever is wrong with me (hearing, vision, malformed ears, back, you name it, I've got something outside the norm, being trans is kinda par for the course LOL). This is her trying to find the right fix to make me what she believes me to be instead of who I know myself to be.
Being the third child, with a brother and sister ahead of me, I didn't have the pressure to BE one or the other, at least there's that. Seeing me as a girl, well, I did submit to the grad dress and the this and the that as needed. I wore a skirt and top to my sister's wedding, after all.
I do get it, it's not easy to switch after 32 years of thinking one way. There are moments when I misgender myself for heaven's sake, so I expect misgendering, but this one irked me just so.
As for my sister, I will tell her soon enough, it's just been a matter of distance and timing. Mom wants to know when I tell her so that she knows when she doesn't need to mind her p's and q's about the subject. Heck, she calls me up after I get a tattoo and her entry to the conversation was "I hear you've been misbehaving". Um... I'm 32, and misbehaving isn't something I do, I make a choice of my own and live by the rules of MY home, not yours.
My mom is just like this! Gah! She's using my pregnancy and the hormones that accompanied it to rationalize why I "think" I'm trans. "Get your hormones checked, maybe there's an imbalance?" YEAH MOM LOGIC.
She also does the "I have no problem with trans people, you're just not one" thing that Dee's wife did. She knows two real life trans people from work! She is so educated and an excellent judge of my gender identity!!
I'm just being goofy. It does suck, but I also try to keep in mind that she is just worried about her baby. It doesn't exactly help, because I know she is only worried about her idea of me, about fixing her precious baby, and is not actually seeing me as a capable and responsible individual. Even though I left the nest almost 10 years ago...
I've already told my sister. I think she and my mom talk about me, because they argue similar things with me. The other day she said, "Your daughter is so dainty and sweet, just like you! Wouldn't you be shocked if she grew up and told you one day that she was really a man?"
"...No?"
Well, there's my addition to the pot. (We're making a "mom...sigh" stew? :P )
"I have no problem with trans people, you're just not one. I've never seen a hint of anything." Yes, that's my mother as well. And she's otherwise open-minded and supports gay rights, but yet the other day she asked me how I could possibly see myself as a man if I liked men.
A likely reason is that she doesn't want to lose her only daughter. That sometimes makes me terribly guilty. Leaving my mother with two sons instead of a son and a daughter like it was before.
Why is it that we end up feeling the guilty ones for trying to be who we are? That bugs me to no end.
Yesterday, for multiple reasons, I ended up beating up a poor innocent box to get out my frustrations.
Mom wants me to consider that I just didn't get enough female hormones, despite that I have straight out said, "I'm a man stuck in a woman's body". I never said I didn't KNOW what I was, so that should n't even BE a question.
Dad mentioned the idea that if I was really a guy, I could carry on the family name, well, no Dad, that's not the point. I'm unable to reproduce either way. If a female, I'm missing part of the female anatomy, if male, I'd need major surgery to make that even a pipe dream and I'm pretty sure it's not possible in the near future. Either way, you got a kid who can't carry on your family name, but you have 6 male nephews who have the same family name, so cheer for them! I still feel pulled to religious life, what that means down the road, only God knows, but it's pretty sure I can't provide a family if I'm doing that!
Parents... blarg.