Apologies for length!
I've been on a couple of dates with a girl that I met at a social group. I wasn't entirely sure if they were dates so after the second one I sent a text asking what she was after. She replied saying that she likes me a lot and had wanted to kiss me, but then said that she was polygamous, which is a bit of a spanner in the works. I've given it a lot of thought and I have no moral objection to polygamy but I don't think it's for me in the long run, so any relationship with her would only be short term fun. If I were to develop strong feelings for her I'd have to end it, because I think I'd want her to be monogamous and she's been honest and upfront with me so I can't really suddenly try and make her be something she's not.
Then, on saturday, I was having a new bed delivered and a FtM friend of mine came over to help me put it together. This guy has really been there for me over the last year; we've helped each other through our transitions, and he's hugely important to me. Once we had got built, I laid on the bed and he asked if it was comfy, so I moved across and invited him to try it. As we were lying there, I felt a really strong urge to kiss him.
I didn't do anything because I am usually only attracted to women. I haven't had much human contact over the last 2 years and I felt a real need just to be passionate with someone, so I kind of wanted to kiss him and have a bit of fun without any commitment. At the same time, I could imagine having a relationship with him because of our emotional connection, but I don't know if that's what I want or not. So I didn't want to kiss him and risk hurting him, as I felt like he'd always some feelings for me. For the rest of the day the urge to be close to him persisted, so I ended up just being honest with him. He said that he did have feelings for me and that he'd never acted on them because I'd always identified as a gay woman. He said he wanted to think about what he wanted as he is finishing his degree in six months and might have to leave the area, and he might feel more seriously about me so anything he does with me when I don't know how I feel would be a risk for him. I told him that I thought that was a good idea, and that I was glad we were being honest. We spent the rest of the night cuddling up to each other on the sofa watching a film.
I'm not sure how to proceed now and I really don't want to hurt anyone. I feel like with the girl I can't commit to anything that I know is wrong for me in the long run, whereas with the guy, he could be really good for me, but I don't know and I don't want to string him on.
Now I know why you are smiling in your avatar picture ;-) ... You seem to have all the world at your feet.
Here is my opinion, and everything therein could either make you happy or ruin your life or worse.
That girl could be me, and I would not treat you badly or hurt you. We could be good together for a while. We could remain friends forever.
Some relationships are not made to last, but none the less there can be an exchange of ideas and emotions that makes a big positive difference in the lives of the people involved.
Sharing your life with a person you like, and who likes you, can last between a blink of an eye and a lifetime. If you are open to that concept, and both of you are mature enough to not hurt yourselves or each other, you are set up for interesting times. Let her and your time together teach you.
Feel good with the girl now, have no regrets, then maybe catch up with the guy if and when you are ready. (You do not know if that will last, either...)
Honest questions. But be ready for the answers.
If you feel strong emotions it's better to let them out before they make the relationship weird.
Who knows maybe it's the writing on the wall to speak?
Wish you the best in either experiences.
Quote from: Girl Beyond Doubt on March 29, 2015, 08:29:37 AM
Now I know why you are smiling in your avatar picture ;-) ... You seem to have all the world at your feet.
Here is my opinion, and everything therein could either make you happy or ruin your life or worse.
That girl could be me, and I would not treat you badly or hurt you. We could be good together for a while. We could remain friends forever.
Some relationships are not made to last, but none the less there can be an exchange of ideas and emotions that makes a big positive difference in the lives of the people involved.
Sharing your life with a person you like, and who likes you, can last between a blink of an eye and a lifetime. If you are open to that concept, and both of you are mature enough to not hurt yourselves or each other, you are set up for interesting times. Let her and your time together teach you.
Feel good with the girl now, have no regrets, then maybe catch up with the guy if and when you are ready. (You do not know if that will last, either...)
I think the problem is that she is looking for a long term thing, but with sometone who is happy to be in a polygamous relationship. That's not me, so all I can offer her is a short term relationship, and even that would depend on me getting to know her and feeling like I have an attraction to her. At the moment I'd say I was interested, but the polygamous aspect isn't for me.
The other issue I have is that I can't sleep with anyone until I've had my surgery. I've felt a lot more dysphoria about the whole downstairs area recently and the thought of someone seeing me like that makes me shudder.
I wonder as well if my unexpected attraction to my male friend is caused in part by how he makes me feel as a woman. He treats me completely as a girl, compliments my looks, and respects me as a woman. And when we were cuddling on the sofa it felt amazing, I really felt like the whole trans thing slipped away and I was just a girl watching a movie with a guy.
So, yeah, pretty confused right now. :-\
all cards on table your both adults , love is taking a chance, live in the here and now , what will be will be, as long as you both understand the stating point live and experience life, just my opinion.
Transition is a confusing time and you'll never really know where your preferences may lay until you are through it. I thought I would be lesbian, because I loved my first spouse so much and I still do. But in Silicon Valley, all I could find were men. I hung out in the ladies bars but I was bombast end by men. I ended up getting married to a guy and we were together for 24 years.
Go with the flow. Be honest with your partner and let the good times be cherished. Not much lasts a lifetime these days, so be prepared for the time when the relationship ends.
Cindi
Hey,
I don't think you're stringing him on. I think you're being as honest as you can be, and kind about it. You want to know what you need next in your life, and that takes time and it takes testing the waters to do so, especially when there is so much going on all at once! Give yourself time, because this kind of confusion can be a good, sweet thing.
As far as polygamous relationships go, I would answer that like any relationship that requires a lot of accepting and 'going along with'- don't bend when it's very uncomfortable. Change is good, I would never knock that, but from my experience being in those relationships only makes me wonder where my partner is, and I'm assuming they're busy romancing someone else because they vocalized that as an option- I might be getting ahead of myself .
If polygamous relationships raises a red flag to you, I would follow your gut about that. It might be best to not fan the fire, I.E., not pursue a relationship with her to that degree, because that can make leaving even harder.
Quote from: Orchid on March 29, 2015, 11:38:14 PM
Hey,
I don't think you're stringing him on. I think you're being as honest as you can be, and kind about it. You want to know what you need next in your life, and that takes time and it takes testing the waters to do so, especially when there is so much going on all at once! Give yourself time, because this kind of confusion can be a good, sweet thing.
As far as polygamous relationships go, I would answer that like any relationship that requires a lot of accepting and 'going along with'- don't bend when it's very uncomfortable. Change is good, I would never knock that, but from my experience being in those relationships only makes me wonder where my partner is, and I'm assuming they're busy romancing someone else because they vocalized that as an option- I might be getting ahead of myself .
If polygamous relationships raises a red flag to you, I would follow your gut about that. It might be best to not fan the fire, I.E., not pursue a relationship with her to that degree, because that can make leaving even harder.
Thanks for the reassurance, it's easy to sometimes act in the moment or not see the bigger picture where emotions are concerned. If he was less important to me as a friend, or if he didn't have feelings for me, then perhaps I would have been more spontaneous, but as it is there's a real chance I could end up hurting him without meaning to do so.
I think honesty is the best policy. I've made it clear to him exactly how I feel, and made sure he understands the risk of being involved with me, so he's having a think about what he wants to do. To be honest it's all very new territory for me so I need to think a bit myself.
If he is leaving in 6 months I'm tempted to suggest we see each other for that time, both knowing that it will end. There's probably a lot we could both learn about ourselves if we were to do that, but it might still be difficult when the end came if one of us had strong feelings for the other.