I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'm really unhappy with how my transition has turned out. I've been on hormones for more than two years, and I feel just as dysphoric as when I started out, I am fed up with the transphobia people are throwing my way, and I'm in a situation where everyone I know knows about my trans status, even my professors (weather that's predominantly because it's pretty much common knowledge on my campus and other people share the information freely, because I assume people can tell and talk about it, or because of how I look, I don't know). To be frank, I'm just as unhappy (if not more so) than when I started my transition because I still feel incredibly dysphoric but I also have to contend with all the ways being openly trans is negatively effecting my life.
Is there anyone else here who feels this way or who has felt this way in the past but endured these feelings? What did you do? Maybe if I could have FFS/SRS and relocate to a place where not everyone knows about me, things might be different wrt how I feel about my transition. It's consuming my life right now...if anyone has some advice wrt how I might deal with this, I'd really appreciate it. I'm just not happy with the way things have turned out for me. I mean, I was unhappy as a boy, and now I'm unhappy as a kind of but not really "girl". At least someone might have been able to love/hire me back when I was a boy, right? I don't want my gender to define me, and right now it is-both in my own eyes and they eyes of others.
*PLEASE don't tell me not to care at all about what other people think. I do care about how this is changing my personal and professional life, and if you can't accept the fact that I don't like how this is impacting my ability to feel safe in public, get a job, and find love, please don't respond. Obviously not letting other people rule my life completely is important, but I'm looking for advice on how I can change my situation, not to have my concerns dismissed.*
Hi Androgynous Painter,
Well I wouldn't say I'm unhappy with how my transition is going, there's certainly things I would like to improve but generally I'm happy to accept where things are at. Something I was petrified of before starting transition was whether I would 'pass', for the same reasons you have mentioned. I quickly learnt that looking like a woman was a very small aspect of this, and so many other aspects were equally important. I learnt that although I may wish to dress a certain way, or colour my hair a certain way, it would in fact draw further attention to myself. So I bight the bullet and dress very conservatively, but still very nice, and keep my hair in a neat style. Also keep makeup conservative. This is so I blend in.
Others things I ensure are matching my gender identity are my gestures, voice and mannerisms. Even the way I speak I ensure is consistent.
I know this may not sound like rocket science, but 10 months into transition, living full time and passing ;95% of the time, I attribute to these things.
Take care,
Bree
I know a couple years into my transition, I hit some tough spots myself. There were a few situations in public that occurred and it pretty well destroyed any confidence I had and drove my anxiety through the roof. I couldn't hardly leave the house at all for a long time. Even going to the store took a lot out of me and I was abusing pain killers to take the edge off it. But I couldn't keep doing it and I eventually got myself tapered off them. It took some time, but I eventually made it through and still sometimes anxiety kicks up, but I push myself through it as best I can. I'm still not very social though.
So I'd say see if you can allow yourself some more time. Try to look at what you are doing and how various situations make you feel and work on things you feel could use some improvement. Don't jump into detransition cause that could open up another can of worms for you.
Sorry I couldn't be of more help, but time can often make things work out, you just have to figure a way to get through that time without doing something stupid.
OK - so as you probably know by now since I keep going on about it, I did bail out of my first attempt at transition after being on HRT for two years. I was desperately unhappy with my progress for any number of reasons - HRT hadn't given me big enough boobs, I was still many, many, many sessions away from finishing electro, I thought people thought I was a joke, I had a job but was afraid I'd lose it when I went full time, I didn't believe I could pass... etc, etc. In the end not going ahead with transition was the only thing I could think of. Paradoxically, I was too afraid of telling my shrink of my difficulties in case he took me off the HRT. And yet I chose to do exactly that without at least trying to remedy the problems. While it was unfortunate and ultimately denied me the chance to be myself for over twenty years I know the decision saved my life, I was in a very unhappy and very dark place at the time. Better to pull the emergency chute than plummet to the ground.
So what might I have done to prevent that from happening? I chose not to talk to my shrink - he was a bit of an arrogant dick but I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and discussed my concerns with him. There was a local trans support group of sorts, I had made contact but never followed through (worried that either I wasn't "trans enough" or that I wasn't as "weird" as those people) - I should have ditched that nonsense and given it a try; although this site has been very useful to me for support I have benefited greatly by making social contact with many trans people in real life, all going about their transition and their life their own way. I was petrified that people knew I was trans, I wished they didn't know but once that genie is out of the bottle there's no putting it back... instead of trying to hide I should have just been open about it, that's been my approach this time and I have to say I feel so much better and safer for it. I don't go about shouting it to the heavens but neither do I deny it. It is who I am. My friends were willing to support me, and yet I was too stupid and too proud to reach out to them and tell them why I was acting like a jerk, instead I just spiralled further into depression and isolation. To this day I still can't believe I pushed them away... or that the majority are in fact still my friends. Bottom line, if I had reached out to all the help and support that was available to me at the time I might have made it though. Maybe, maybe not. Who can say.
I don't know if there are forms of support available for you but consider seeking them out and using them.
Life is full of surprises. What is a nightmare roller coaster for one person is a joy ride for another. It's all about perspective and resilience. I know you said not to suggest "forget what others say or think" so I won't... even though I still think it is essential. ;)
thanks for sharing Miss Grace. I waited too long but for some different reasons. I don't know what it would of been like if I could see the path at 20.
Quote from: evecrook on March 31, 2015, 01:14:54 AM
thanks for sharing Miss Grace. I waited too long but for some different reasons. I don't know what it would of been like if I could see the path at 20.
Hard, if you don't have proper support I fear. Grace, you're right on the money when you talk about me needing more support, and I think a big part of why I feel so ill equipped to deal with this struggle is that. I did this pretty much on my own, and I can't really stand alone anymore, and that wears me down.
Yes, I was trying to do it alone and that's what brought me down in the end. Back in 1990 there were limited options but they existed - I needed to be open to what was available but I didn't have enough trust and was too afraid to fully engage. Even today I am a stubbornly independent gal but I can at least tell when I can't do something by myself and that I need help, even if all it means is talking through my fears, worries and concerns... and hopes and dreams and desires.
I guess I just don't really have anyone who isn't an internet person who I can really count on for support. I mean, even my therapist is in Baltimore meaning I only get to see him every once in a while.
But yeah, doing this alone is risky and taking it's toll.
I want to say more on this later because I have absolutely been in the exact same place. I didn't resolve it until 2.5 years into HRT (not even including the social transition or whatever before). Just placing a reply here so I don't lose track of the thread and because I want you to know you are certainly not alone!
I know what you mean - feeling isolated is actually very stressful. Is it possible that you can talk to the college/uni counsellor even if it's just about general stuff it doesn't have to be trans specific? Is there anyone in any of your classes that you feel you get along with - maybe ask if they can talk over a cup of coffee or something? Are there any campus LGBT groups, local groups? Maybe they have a social thing?
Please forgive me that this reply is brief, I'm rushing off to a class, but my experience was that dysphoria starts within, and is picked up by those around one, who then reflect it back to you as transphobia. As soon as I wasn't dysphoric, 99% of the transphobia ended, because I was no longer giving off those vibes and without changing my appearance one jot, simply the fact that I wasn't giving off dysphoric vibes meant that I went almost overnight from being read as trans to being read as a slightly butch woman.
In other words the only way the problem ended was when I was PHYSICALLY in a form where I wasn't feeling dysphoric, and in my case that meant having SRS. Literally NOTHING else mattered – not the transition, not the small amount of facial hair removal, not the HRT even... just the srs.
I did also do all those other things of course, although not in the normal order, because I had my SRS pretty well up front, and then finished all the rest at my leisure afterwards... but that was because I already knew it was only the SRS that would end the dysphoria for me.
Now everyone has their own priority, and I would certainly not recommend assuming that what worked for me will work for you, because it may not. So what you have to do is decide what is the priority for you, and then work out how best to get to that place.
I hope this helps - if not please do just ignore it.
Quote from: Ms Grace on March 31, 2015, 02:58:19 AM
I know what you mean - feeling isolated is actually very stressful. Is it possible that you can talk to the college/uni counsellor even if it's just about general stuff it doesn't have to be trans specific? Is there anyone in any of your classes that you feel you get along with - maybe ask if they can talk over a cup of coffee or something? Are there any campus LGBT groups, local groups? Maybe they have a social thing?
Well, I've seen several therapists there; one told me to detransition, another left me crying after every meeting we had, and a third offered almost no usefull advice at all. It's sort of a running joke on campus how incompetent the therapists there are! I'm looking for someone off campus, but a therapist is NOT the only thing a person needs. Friends-I try. Really, I do try, but it's not easy. I have really bad social anxiety, which makes that hard. I'm trying though. As for the LGBT community-I feel like they don't care for me, though that may just be in my head. I did basically run the trans* club into the ground my freshman year along with the other person who was running it and that didn't leave them feeling so pleased, but...eh. See, nobody wants to be your friend if all you're going to offer is negativity and sadness. My best friend filed a no contact (basicly a restraining orrder) order because she didn't want to deal with my negativity, so that shows what kinds of friends I have and how I make them feel.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 31, 2015, 10:11:34 AM
Well, I've seen several therapists there; one told me to detransition, another left me crying after every meeting we had, and a third offered almost no usefull advice at all. It's sort of a running joke on campus how incompetent the therapists there are! I'm looking for someone off campus, but a therapist is NOT the only thing a person needs. Friends-I try. Really, I do try, but it's not easy. I have really bad social anxiety, which makes that hard. I'm trying though. As for the LGBT community-I feel like they don't care for me, though that may just be in my head. I did basically run the trans* club into the ground my freshman year along with the other person who was running it and that didn't leave them feeling so pleased, but...eh. See, nobody wants to be your friend if all you're going to offer is negativity and sadness. My best friend filed a no contact (basicly a restraining orrder) order because she didn't want to deal with my negativity, so that shows what kinds of friends I have and how I make them feel.
yea, I've experienced the sense of isolation when I was going to school. I saw a psychologist at the school for quite awhile. It was one of my worse periods of trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I needed a relationship with someone , I felt so a lone , all I did was go to class and then off to study. I went into counseling hoping to solve this problem I had all my life. What happened was I spend every session and I mean every session crying for a good portion of the 50 minutes. I don't know if the psychologist was just inexperienced or ludicrously unfit , but for the time I spent once a week for at least a year or more was a total waste of time except for washing my eyes out. I'm still quite upset that it was a school setting where you would think the quality of therapy should be exceptional.
Have you ever just stopped being trans* and just been a girl?
You alone hold the key. You can word it anyway you want but if you are not clear on your confidence how can anyone around you do the same.
As grace said "I don't know if there are forms of support available for you but consider seeking them out and using them."
We all want acceptance from those around us but it truly starts with your self.
Expectations makes un-needed hurdles in moving forward.
Be that young woman with-in. Own her, cherish her most of all love her.
I'm unhappy with things that have happened to me because of being trans*. I lost a lucrative career as a lawyer in which I had worked nowhere but top firms. Suddenly I went from that to not being able to get a job as even a hack personal injury lawyer. I've been told that I'm insufficiently familiar with laws that I helped to write and get passed. I've had people tell me I'm a criminal because I lost my entire career due to transphobic discrimination. (I'm not making that up, someone tried that as a basis to revoke a job offer I was given). And every time I go to a job interview, the interview goes fine. And then they decide to check references, which leads to the part about my entire work history being in a different name that doesn't match my current gender presentation. Then somehow I end up not being the right fit. And the losses as a result of this just fall like dominoes.
But being dissatisfied because of things that have happened to me because of other people's transphobia is different from being dissatisfied because of my transition. The trans* people I met before transitioning told me that transitioning would be easy for me. They were right. I was (and am) passing obsessed. And I pass very well. I do have a tummy that gets me asked if I'm pregnant. But no one ever misgenders me and being clocked on the street is something I've never had to deal with. All else on top of that is gravy.
So I'm very dissatisfied with things that have happened to me because if transphobia. But the transition has gone exceptionally well. For me at least, it's important to recognize that there's a difference between those two things.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 31, 2015, 02:03:17 AM
I guess I just don't really have anyone who isn't an internet person who I can really count on for support. I mean, even my therapist is in Baltimore meaning I only get to see him every once in a while.
But yeah, doing this alone is risky and taking it's toll.
I had zero support, was followed by fellow church members, disowned by my parents, publicly excommunicated from my church, and forced out of my job. In fact, at my job, the president received counsel from a "church psychologist" that if they put me in a corner with nothing to do, cut all of my contact on the phone, that I would either quit in six months or commit suicide. They went with that plan. That was at HP in Salt Lake City. I had a miserable time with a divorce that took everything I made. I was not allowed to see my kids or even talk to them on the phone. Church people found out where I lived and were knocking on my door at least twice a week. If you can think of any form of harassment, I experienced it.
After I moved to California, I experienced some of the same in the next two jobs I had. I was miserable but I wanted it so bad, I could never go back.
Eventually, I lost my past and went to work on my future. I had a great career. I even made a lot of money for a couple of years. My father used to tell me, after he decided to be on my side instead of threatening to beat the ->-bleeped-<- out of me if he saw me in a dress, "Don't ever let them get you down, kid." It's hard to take advice like that when you feel like you are shackled and dragging a 20 pound lead ball with trans painted on it. But he was right. There is a path forward and it takes time to lose your past, or move on to a place that is more accepting.
I totally understand where you are. I went back and forth many times before I finally made the decision. Sadly, I got married before I could make that decision. But that marriage produced two beautiful children who I adore. And they are coming around. It's hard for them since I live in another state and haven't been able to see them much.
When I went through the change, the internet wasn't widely available yet. It existed but we used it mainly for email and USENET which was newsgroups that got ferried around from site to site. So, I had no support there. I WAS on my own. Fortunately, I did find people like me and support groups in the LA area when I moved there. That was very helpful to finally meet other trans people. For most of my life, I truly thought I was the only one in the whole world. I was sheltered in the Mormon church and I didn't hear about other "sex change" stories. I was incredibly naive as well. I didn't even know there were gay people until I started my change.
I've been schooled in a cult, persecuted, run down, gang raped, and nearly beaten to death. I lived in LA at a time when other transgender people turned tricks to pay for surgery because they couldn't get work. I saw many of them die of aids, murdered, or just disappeared.
Cheer up, my friend. You do have support. People here are very supportive and you can bear your very soul with no fear of retaliation. Your problems are real. I get it. But you can push through them if you WILL. The trans drive will push you. Please make sure that it does not push you into severe depression. Sometimes it can, but you can make sure that doesn't happen. You are a winner. You've made it this far. Look at your accomplishments. And dream the dreams of a bright future. You'll get there.
My sincerest hopes for a better day for you sweetie.
Chin up and all of that.
Cindi
I know a very good therapist that does sessions over skype. She is also sliding scale. If you are interested, please message me and I will send you her contact information.
To the OP- have you seen a therapist for NON transgender reasons? Have you considered that you may need to be on medication or therapy for depression or possibly another disorder?
I saw a therapist- (shrink is pretty negative sounding and it does sound like you've seen some lame hacks, but it doesn't help you when you also put a negative spin on it yourself) for anxiety issues but I had originally picked her for transgender help. It does sound like you may need to adjust some of your own views and possibly require looking at issues that may not be directly related to transitioning. It's hard to tell whether one is depressed as a factor of your genes would make you this way cis, trans or otherwise, OR if stuff like depression is directly tied to transitioning. My therapist wanted me to be very clear that transitioning really only changes some things about a person. Your moods may shift/change and you may feel different, but basically you are still the same person inside. If one has internalized a very critical view of themselves and the world, even self improvements that ought to make them happy just cause different or MORE problems. It really does sound like you need support, but I guess the thing to do is weigh your options and do a LOT more searching around for people that can handle the heavy stuff. You sound like you have a huge burden to carry alone and you need a strong, supportive person or group to help you rather than a few non-committing casual friends/ill educated therapists. Telling you to de-transition is not a fix-it-all solution. Pretending you are fine and forcing yourself to believe no one is ever judgemental about another's appearance (for any reason) is also not going to help.
Can I ask you to think a little about why the one therapist made you cry? Maybe they just were terrible, I totally get that. Therapists are like friends, everyone has totally different needs and you have to be able to get along with your therapist and have mutual respect for one another. I don't want to assume though- it doesn't sound great to break down after every session and I wonder if they should have been a bit more varied in the intensity of their sessions. Not going to assume they were good or bad for making you upset- BUT in my experience it's sometimes unpleasant to see a therapist or discuss feelings and dig into our inner layers. My therapist expressly warned me that I would get uncomfortable, upset or experience unpleasant feelings. Many times we are great at hiding our problems or things others don't want to hear and bottling that stuff up will just make it ferment and get worse. Our ugly shadow monsters seem to grow until we are willing to drag them into the sunlight and really examine how ugly they are. You can't change a bad habit until you acknowledge it, much the way AA makes everyone say their name and "I'm an alcoholic." Many alcoholics avoid places like AA because they tell themselves they are "not as bad as so- and so" but saying that doesn't cure alcoholism or any other bad coping mechanisms :C Are you saying your therapist is a jerk because he doesn't tip his waiters or because he truely, intentionally gets pleasure from seeing you hurt? Or is it just that you wouldn't want to be friends with him because you don't think you;d like him out of context in a personal way? My therapist was a bit pushy and I am sure people have called her much worse, but she did really help and I feel better equipped to deal with anxiety on my own nowadays.
I do hope any of this helps, I don't want to sound like I'm assuming anything about you, because this is just stuff I think could help other people reading this as well. Mostly just my experiences from a pysch degree and extracurricular material aside from my own therapy.
Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on March 30, 2015, 06:29:04 PM
I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'm really unhappy with how my transition has turned out. I've been on hormones for more than two years, and I feel just as dysphoric as when I started out, I am fed up with the transphobia people are throwing my way, and I'm in a situation where everyone I know knows about my trans status, even my professors (weather that's predominantly because it's pretty much common knowledge on my campus and other people share the information freely, because I assume people can tell and talk about it, or because of how I look, I don't know). To be frank, I'm just as unhappy (if not more so) than when I started my transition because I still feel incredibly dysphoric but I also have to contend with all the ways being openly trans is negatively effecting my life.
Is there anyone else here who feels this way or who has felt this way in the past but endured these feelings? What did you do? Maybe if I could have FFS/SRS and relocate to a place where not everyone knows about me, things might be different wrt how I feel about my transition. It's consuming my life right now...if anyone has some advice wrt how I might deal with this, I'd really appreciate it. I'm just not happy with the way things have turned out for me. I mean, I was unhappy as a boy, and now I'm unhappy as a kind of but not really "girl". At least someone might have been able to love/hire me back when I was a boy, right? I don't want my gender to define me, and right now it is-both in my own eyes and they eyes of others.
*PLEASE don't tell me not to care at all about what other people think. I do care about how this is changing my personal and professional life, and if you can't accept the fact that I don't like how this is impacting my ability to feel safe in public, get a job, and find love, please don't respond. Obviously not letting other people rule my life completely is important, but I'm looking for advice on how I can change my situation, not to have my concerns dismissed.*
To find love, we must first love ourselves. And to be quite honest, I am getting the feeling that you need to give yourself some love. It sounds like you aren't happy with who you are, and I think you're seeking acceptance from the outside when it really comes from within.
Also, this is all advice that is easier said than done. I need to work on self-love as I think we all do.
I think my biggest strength is the not-giving-a-damn-ness that I do so well. In law enforcement you get pushed, kicked on, spat on (people spit in your food too), called all sorts of names like pig and you have to brush it off and still treat people with respect, otherwise if you mistreat people IA can make your life a living hell. I grew a pretty thick skin as a result which is why I think I'm having such a good time transitioning. Sure, I have my down days but they are few and far between. I just don't care about the world.
You have a number of good assets, such as your voice and your hips which can go a long way toward passing. I know this sounds cliche but I think confidence makes up most of passing. I know it has definitely helped me.
But if you feel you need to detransition, you are an adult and it is ultimately your choice. I can't tell you how to live your life and it is up to you to find out what will make you happy.
But I would take mrs Izzy's advice though.
Also forget about stealth for now. Stealth is a lofty goal but to me it's just really unnecessary in today's society where tolerance for transgender people is growing. It's not worth the stress, especially for someone like you who doesn't think they'd ever pass.
A song to cheer you up...
http://youtu.be/Uuegke22rdA
Thanks everyone. I guess I just can't deal with the pain of being trans. I feel so hollow, I just want to curl up in a ball and die (lord knows I'm trying right now).
Sorry it took me a while to give my full reply, I just wanted to sort out my thoughts on the matter.
As I said I struggled with that unhappiness for many years, and even for several years into T. I had a sum of very bad experiences that made it hard for me to feel like my transition wasn't obvious to everyone around me. I had bad family experiences, a delayed transition, and well-meaning friends who just...made transition everything I was. And EVERYONE knew. I was stealth to no one and had trouble passing for a good time while on T too. I had some experiences that were flat out abusive and traumatizing that were directly related to transition as well. No one ever asked me questions about much else, like my interests, my dreams, etc...it always ended up coming down to the gender issue which was so dehumanizing. Even my profs were guilty of it. It's hard when everyone knows and you haven't had any control over the process, it really is. Don't minimize those feelings because they are completely legitimate. I had times where I wanted to detransition, not because I wanted to be a woman, but because being trans was so painful and I couldn't see any hope for a future where it didn't have to be a front and center issue for me and for others. I felt that at least if I was a woman again, I could be seen at face value (genitals/appearance match) and people would treat me as an actual person with diverse interests, as a potential romantic interest, rather than being unable to look past the transition issue. I missed the freedom that came with being seen clearly as one or the other. But going back was not an option, as I knew I was not functional or happy as female. And I won't lie, at points, I felt extremely suicidal because I just wanted the pain to stop.
That went on for years and finally I entered a very deep depression that lasted for 2 years, summer 2012 to summer 2014. I stopped working on my university. I only left the house once a week to teach on campus, and when that was done, for the next 8 months, I only left the house once a month to go to the doctor. I could go days, literally, without seeing or feeling the sun, and when I did it was when I stepped into the backyard. I can remember just feeling like there was nothing, no purpose, no future...I'd stay up most nights drinking whiskey, listening to sad songs, and crying until 5 am, and then sleeping until 3 pm. And this was almost entirely due to the fact that I was so unhappy with my transition and all I wanted was to be more than this...more than the pain, more than the struggle, I wanted to be seen as a full human being again and not have to talk or think about transition every day because some dimwit thought it would be cute to ask a question or make a comment that I'd already heard a hundred times from others.
Anyway I finally ran out of money and credit and I was in dire straits. So I started applying for jobs that I had never even thought of before...working in mental health, ironically enough. When I went for the interview, I was seen as male and there was no question, which surprised me, given that I was convinced I was "clockable" and looked female. When I outed myself to my boss because I needed a background check, she was surprised, but then said "...ok. Well. I want you to know that this is something that will not leave this room unless you want it to. No one has to know unless you want them to." Later on the topic came up, and I confided in her that I was scared this is all I would ever be, and she said "I think that the experience has made you wiser and kinder, which is what we love about you, and that will always be with you. But you need to know that it is in no way written plainly on your face for all to see. It's your decision how you handle it and who you tell or don't tell, and your decision how you let it define who you are." And it just took time...I was paranoid for a few months on the job, but people came and went, and treated me as if I were cis. I realized that there was nothing to worry about, people didn't even question the "obvious" things like my chest. I thought everyone would notice but it was never an issue. I did out myself to one girl I liked who was silly enough to accidentally tell a few people she thought I was close to and had told as well. They've never really brought it up tbh, and it does bug me sometimes that they know, but it was nothing like my worst fears AT ALL. And no one was as weird as the people at uni were...no one asks questions or anything. I simply said to the people who knew, and the person who told, that it was something that was really personal and that I wanted to keep the past in the past. As far as I know, it has not gone any further, and no one's ever brought it up or made a deal out of it or treated me differently.
Based on what you have written, I really feel like you have been programmed to see yourself more negatively just because you are surrounded by people who know. When everyone in your life knows, it feels like it's "obvious" and like everyone is going to be able to tell. Sadly, I find that often times, especially in liberal places, when people know they like to make it seem like they were "in the know" the whole time cause they think it makes them look more tolerant or worldly or whatever. It's BS. I received the same programming and spent 2 years in almost total isolation, depressed, etc...only to emerge into the world in a different setting where no one knew. And then I realized how far I came. I realized that I was not my pre-HRT self, I was not my pre-passing self. I look different, I AM different, and the world sees me differently than they once did. I have much more control over this process than I thought I did and I finally have the dignity of privacy and personal information. I realize not everyone passes well, but I was someone who did not pass well for a very long time, so sometimes it's easy to think you pass less than you actually do.
I still deal with physical dysphoria and entered a low after surgery when my chest was just the main focus of everything...no work, no nothing, just resting and dedicating myself to healing. I found myself thinking again that this thing was "taking over my life" and I had to remind myself of how much has changed and of all the things in my life that are not gender related. I think if you can find a social circle that is not connected to transition, where you don't have to tell people, it may help with how you see yourself and how much gender-related stress you experience. It could even be something small, like taking a class and seeing that your classmates probably won't question that you are female. When I was still insecure at work, I took driving lessons and first aid lessons and had people say things that explicitly suggested that they thought I was cisgender (including an instructor who made a "->-bleeped-<-" joke -_- and said she can "always tell" um clearly not since you told me to guard my balls in one exercise lol). Those little things improved my feelings a lot and built on each other, until I had gotten over the past traumas and upsets, and the old programming. I actually still occasionally get misgendered, but it doesn't bother me like it used to, because 99% of the time I am seen as a man, and when my friends hear someone call me "ma'am" they laugh hysterically about it.
I hope that helps somewhat. I'm sorry you have to deal with that sort of pain and frustration. I remember it so well and it really consumed me for so long. I'm grateful that I had experiences that gave me a more realistic view of myself and my transition, and I hope that you experience the same thing soon for yourself.
Adam--
I know this is coming a few months too late and I wanted to thank you for the thoughtful words. It's sort of in line with what I needed to hear.
I'm working a job this summer where I'm (mostly) stealth, but my dysphoria is really really really bad still, just body stuff (god, I hate this short hair). The job is on a farm, and it requires I spend a lot of time moving around and sweating (no makeup) and wear this baggy t-shirt just for the job---I feel quite boy-ish, and if I had any idea that this part of it would be so bad-well, I might have re-considered traveling 400 miles from my therapist (also family) for the job, but I digress. Life still sucks. The people here are great, but life still sucks. I'm afraid I lost my only close friend (I'm too much a mess to have close friends), I still think about suicide literally ALL the time, or at least very frequently, certainly for at least an hour per day. And I'm still in a crappy position where my ratio of painful things to joyful, happy things is about 2>1, which is probably why I'm all on my own and why I think about suicide all the time.
Detransitioning is not a good idea. Life for me is really horrable right now. I hate being trans, I still feel like I'm lying to people when I call myself a woman (I may pass, apparently, but I don't really see how, I'm still built like a boy, albiet one with very small breasts), and I'm still fairly certain nobody is ever going to love me, which doesn't worry me as much anymore because I doubt I'll be able to survive much longer. Anyhow, I suppose I was just trying to find SOMETHING I could do to change my life. At this point, I can't really think of anything else though. I'm trying to change the way I act, but it's so hard and a lot of the time I can't even concentrate on that stuff a lot of the time. So, uphill battles alone tend to skew my thinking into believing that perhaps, I don't know, throwing in the towel wrt this whole mess of a transition might actually make things better, which of course it won't.
So, I'm just stuck now I guess. My dysphoria is worse than ever but I've got nowhere to go. And if I'm having a hard time here with people that (sometimes) like me, going back to college where everyone knows me and a few people on campus hate me a lot and just seeing them will send me into a sobbing heap-well, let's just say making it to 2015 isn't going to be an easy feat. Not that there's anywhere else I could go that would be better. Yeah. My thoughts are all over the place here, but I figured I should say that you were right.
I made the right move in transitioning, and it's helped with some aspects of some things and ruined a lot of others, but for all I know I'd probably still be unlovable if I hadn't, and I'd still be in a lot of pain. I wish I could have transitioned with support, I think having support is CRUCIAL, but I didn't and I don't. I'm on my own from here I guess. Hopefully I'll be able to find another solution the the pain I find myself in all too often other than suicide, but at the moment it's starting to seem like a likely option, not in the immediate future of course but as an eventuality. Things aren't improving and these attempts to will myself to make things better isn't working out. Anyhow. At least I made the right move I think. I don't know though. You could show me a mirror and I don't think I'd trust that it was my reflection unless someone else told me.
Mod Edit- Public protest of admin actions is prohibited. TOS 2
My goodness I feel for you -- because I've been where you are. I remember college all too well, the bullying, the constant insults to my nonexistent masculinity. The only difference between us is I have had to live and survive as a guy until the age of 52. In the early 1980's when I was in college, transitioning, at least for me, was a practical impossibility. The very few doctors who were doing gender therapy and hormones might as well have been on the moon as far as I was concerned. So I finished college and professional school, and then took another look at things.
What stopped me cold the second time around, in 1989, was that I would have to do a one year RLE before I could even get hormones, and back then, transgender was categorized as a form of mental illness. Bye bye professional license, bye bye career and income.
Hello marriage to the wrong girl and family and children, just like my dad wanted.
Ten years later, in 1999, a divorce, and another run at transitioning. Then I was in court one day and I watched a judge verbally abuse an MTF transgender who had a case there. After seeing that I knew that if I came out my ex wife would use it against me in court, and I would lose shared custody and visitation with my son. Back into the closet I went, crying all the way.
Now I have to transition because living as a man is slowly killing my body. I've been on beta blockers and tranquilizers for anxiety and panic attacks and high blood pressure for about seven years now. And the occasional private crossdressing I do is the one thing that lowers my blood pressure.
You are young and healthy and lucky enough to be transitioning in a world that truly is changing, and yet you are too far inside your own situation to step back and see how good things really are for you. You will have better jobs in the future, and there will be money for body contouring surgery if that is what you want.
And someone will love you -- if you believe in yourself. I know you will ask, why should you believe in yourself?
The answer to that is that I and the others here see the value in you. We read your posts, and in your words we see the beauty of your soul. So please, start to look at life for what it really is -- something to be cherished and enjoyed. On that farm, take a moment to listen to the birds and watch the butterflies.
When you find life in those small moments, you will find the beauty in life, and in yourself.