So it was my birthday on March 7th. No message from my father. Oh well, whatever.
Five minutes ago (on April 1, of all days) I get the following email...
QuoteA belated Happy Birthday wish.
[male name],
As you may appreciate I am somewhat distressed to think that I failed to acknowledge your birthday on March 7, 2015, but would ask that you accept my apologies for such an oversight.
Regards
Dad
To say that I am slightly agog... the fact he forgot I can live with, he's getting old, but the fact he is asking for me to forgive him while using my male name... I feel like telling him to "eff off" but I think I should probably cool off first and just reply with "Thanks" and leave it at that...
Time to count to one thousand...
'''Thanks, Dad
I love you.'''
---
That will do, I think x
How about.
Dear Dad,
Thank you for your birthday wishes
Your loving daughter
Grace
In the spirit of April Fool's Day and well, my general snarkiness...
A belated "Bite Me!" wish.
[Dad]
As you may not appreciate, I am somewhat distressed that you failed to acknowledge my existence, but am asking for your apologies for such an oversight.
Regards,
Grace
So sorry, Grace. I hope your dad can pull his head out of his ass like mine sort of did.
Has he seen you truly happy at last? That's what did it for me.
Yes, I know... please take the high road and take anything I said lightly. Cindy and Sarah have it right.
I am sorry for your hurt feelings. We do not expect much in life but at least respect.
Sigh! I chalk mine up with my parents as just not seeing them much.
Sigh! Hugs.
I've always been taught to respect my elders. It's hard to transition and hear this from them though. I never knew my dad and my mom died before this came out.. I wish I could have had this argument though..
I'd say to tell him he is making a mistake, but be nice since both of you are hurting.. Parents seem to die at the worst moment. Just make sure it's not with something you will have to live with the rest of your life. If he was bad to you your whole life and you feel it's time to put him in his place, then go for it. Just make sure your final statement is something that you can live with.. maybe I'm trying to say is it worse what he said or what could be your last words to him? Hope this helps..
I know my dad abandoned me, his name was not on the birth cert, mom told me she was punched in the stomach when she told him she was pregnant. I have a few choice words if I ever find him:) I'm using a DNA site and found relatives on his side so far! I'm just hoping he's pissed poor and miserable, maybe needing a kidney:) everything I could have taken care of as a loving kid!
Wow, that sounds evil? Just be glad you don't have that story;) i do wish it works out for you both in the end.. fairytales do come true, you just have to work at them..
Thanks all - a bit calmer now. Hitting a tennis ball around a court can really help let off some steam.
I think I'll just reply - "Thanks Dad. Happy Easter. Love Grace"
Yeesh. Family.
And dear Dad, don't be afraid, but I've transitioned to a cute puppy dog.
Maybe I should embed that pic at the end of the email...
A very business like e mail. Reminds me of something my dad would write. He loves us so much but just has difficulties backing up from his pride. If he is anything like my dad then just soften him up. My dad never could express feelings, he hated hugs, so I would double up the hugs on him, just to see him squirm. Your reply is nice - as its April 1st I would have been soppier haha
I know I have said this before. My parents are now dead. I didn't go to their funerals. I thought they hated me. So I developed hate in return.
They loved me but could not accept me.
I regret that. It was a failing.
I love my life and I am happy.
But I carry regret.
It doesn't impact on me, but if you can avoid it do so.
If? I would have flown to the UK as me. Get rejected or accepted. My Mum would have rejected, my Dad?
I'll never know.
But I had a choice, so did they but I did not allow anyone to make it.
Including me.
Well my mother is certainly very supportive and is happy to meet up with me for lunch, etc. Dad is a different story - and forcing the issue with him may mean my mother has to deal with him more than I do... :(
With respect. Force it. Your Mum accepts you, so let her deal with Dad ,when you have arranged the situation.
You are their daughter.
Yes
That word.
You are their daughter.
Sorry.
My parents are dead also, and I'm currently going through a lot of grief and sadness that they never had a chance to know me as me. I don't think my mother would have accepted me, although she might have learned to fake it, but my father... in some way, he accepted me as I was as a little kid, and loved doing father-son things with me: teaching me carpentry, woodcarving, how to shoot, etc. I think he might have been fine with my transition, but I'll never know. As for for my mother, I worked as hard as I knew how in the last few years of her life to clear up "unfinished business" with her. It was an uphill battle because she was a flaming narcissist, but things were better in the end. But now there's a huge rip in that, and it feels like I failed with her after all. I feel great regret about that, and that she never had the chance to accept me, even though I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have.
Don't burn your bridges, Grace. This is perfect: "Thanks Dad. Happy Easter. Love Grace"
Don't want to sound negative and worry you.
But could he be having neurological issues which could affect his short term memory? and this is not necessarily caused by old age..
Find out from your/his family if he is doing ok.
My dad would forget little things, some of them very important, that had happened in recent months or years, but he would remember almost everything else from way back before he developed serious neurological issues.
Good Luck
Emily
Grace, I'd be nice but as someone else said, I'd end the letter like this:
With love, your daughter,
Grace
Quote from: Cindy on April 01, 2015, 01:03:35 AM
How about.
Dear Dad,
Thank you for your birthday wishes
Your loving daughter
Grace
I'm with you, maybe even put daughter and Grace in bold font... =P polite and slightly passive aggressive. ^_^
I for one would have been hapy o have even been contacted on my birthday by my parents.
Be classy, respond as people have said. Its more important to be proud of your own actions than it is to be annoyed with his.
Did you send this email to the wrong person? Who is [male name]? My name is Grace
Idk its good I guess if you are able to not let that stuff get to you. Im just not the type to pretend it didnt bother me or respond particuarly nicely to invalidation, its just basic respect. But I suppose its then on him and nothing with you saying anything. I would certainly end it with your name though, or as others said add 'your daughter' too to drive the point home. He at least hasnt cut off contact with you even if he wont see you as you really are (which is only his loss really)
I was taught to respect my elders when I was growing up...it wasn't until I learned realized that I mattered that I understood neither age nor lineage confers respect.
One has to earn it; it is not bestowed for merely living for a given number of years or because some man ejaculated into a woman.
As much as everyone has had one wonderful idea, I think this one goes along with how I might handle it. He was already late with it and then still refuses to refer to you by your name which is why I think this response is one that hits the spot. Sorry that your Dad still doesn't get it Grace. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Garry on April 01, 2015, 06:26:08 PM
Did you send this email to the wrong person? Who is [male name]? My name is Grace
Idk its good I guess if you are able to not let that stuff get to you. Im just not the type to pretend it didnt bother me or respond particuarly nicely to invalidation, its just basic respect. But I suppose its then on him and nothing with you saying anything. I would certainly end it with your name though, or as others said add 'your daughter' too to drive the point home. He at least hasnt cut off contact with you even if he wont see you as you really are (which is only his loss really)
Grace, I am sorry your Dad is resistant to accepting you, hugs.
I think,
Thank you Dad, Love Grace.
Is simple and respectful.
I'd say I love you dearly, your my father. Your loving daughter
Congratulations on your birthday, I turned 65 a week after your date.
Answer the email with grace and dignity and be happy you still have family even if some may not be accepting.Time changes many things including peoples minds.Then sign it with ,your beautiful loving daughter Grace and include one of your fantastic pictures. Hopefully it will sow the seeds of change in his mind,all growth starts with just a seed,I wish yours to be fruitful . :) Patty
Thanks everyone - you have given me some great advice here and I will let you know how I go... will be replying to him late tonight or tomorrow.
Hi Grace,
Difficult to know what to say. It's amazing how a birthday wish to you (and not in your name) becomes all about his distress.
I think as people have said it is best to respond as the person you are, as Grace. I think it would be easy to let fly at him, and he would deserve it for that email alone. But on the whole I think it's best to be the better person in all of this. He appears to be unable to conduct himself in what most would feel was a reasonable manner, but you can control your response in a way that doesn't let him "get away" with it but also maintains a level of courtesy.
It's easy for me to say as my parents are no longer around. But he should be behaving more reasonably than this.
All the very best, and big hugs!!
Ros
I think every older (25+) member of my group has "issues" with family, especially parents. Some have taken nearly a decade to come around. Sadly, others have basically written them off.
Be thankful for small victories. Try not to dwell in the darkness. The fact your dad reached out at all says a lot. Especially if he is stubborn old coot like mine! We were estranged for many years over far less. I cried like a baby at his funeral. During the intervening years we eventually saw eachother as people, not as roles
OK - here is my reply - thanks everyone for your input and advice...
QuoteDear Dad
Thanks for the birthday wish - I had a great day, dinner with friends and lots of well wishes. I am much happier these days and things are going well.
Hope we can catch up again soon.
Lots of love
Grace
PS Happy Easter! :)
I attached a pic of my current avatar for good measure.
At the suggestion of a friend I included the text of his original message in my reply (you know, like what usually happens in an email reply)... except I changed [male name] to Grace. We figured that might make him freak out and wonder if he'd used my name by accident! :laugh: >:-)
@Cindy - I decided against signing it off "your daughter" since I never signed anything previously as "your son" so it just felt a bit uncomfortable to me. We'll see how things develop!
Wonderful idea Grace. I'm glad you went with what is comfortable for you because that is always the best way to handle things. Good luck
Mariah
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 03, 2015, 06:56:41 AM
OK - here is my reply - thanks everyone for your input and advice...
I attached a pic of my current avatar for good measure.
At the suggestion of a friend I included the text of his original message in my reply (you know, like what usually happens in an email reply)... except I changed [male name] to Grace. We figured that might make him freak out and wonder if he'd used my name by accident! :laugh: >:-)
@Cindy - I decided against signing it off "your daughter" since I never signed anything previously as "your son" so it just felt a bit uncomfortable to me. We'll see how things develop!
Perfect. Sometimes it's good to sit on something for a few days.
Nicely done, Grace.
I think that is a wonderful reply. The snarky suggestions were great, but I think they're better kept to being a therapeutic exercise.
I might have added a p.s. making an explicit mention that misgendering/misnaming is hurtful, but whether that's a good idea would depend a lot on the history and the specifics of the relationship.