Hi everyone, Tris here. So over the last few days I've come to a better understanding of my gender identity which has brought with it both a calming feeling and some pretty intense anxiety. Part of the reason for this is because after initially deciding that I was bigender, still trying to save up to see a therapist, I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't come out to my parents. Part of this worry was brought on from reading and watching videos on the experiences of others. While the videos and articles were in and of themselves helpful, I couldn't help but notice that the comments were some of the most hateful things I'd ever read in my life. A trend in these comments was calling the person in the video or article selfish for transitioning and ruining the lives of their families. Having already in a way come out to my SO I was already on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop and scared to explore things though she's said she'd be supportive.
I then realized that if I'm going to transition to where I want to be before I tell anyone else my parents have the most right of anyone to know. Being an artist every year my mom requests that I write a poem for her birthday and mother's day. I decided that I would come out to her in said poem and accept whatever came. Then thinking that it could potentially ruin her special day I wrote another poem with a different topic. I sent both of them in two different emails one of them saying not to open until the day after. The day after her birthday I'd prepared myself for the most horrible things to happen, being disowned being one of them. Both of my parents are relatively understanding of things but in regards to this I figured it would be harder for my mom because she's a devout religious type. So she calls me later to talk about it and luckily she's not angry but extremely confused.
Right out of the gate this is what she says " Tris I'm not sure what it is you're saying, I don't know whether you're trying to say that you're bisexual. Whether you're trying to say that you're gay, or whether you're trying to say that you're like Bruce Jenner." As you can tell answering these three questions was going to be a bit... interesting. The only easy one was that no I'm not bisexual the other two not so much. It was really hard explaining to her what I was. If I was MtF then it would be easier to tell her but my mom isn't very familiar with this sort of thing so "Sex" and "Gender" to her are the same thing and she thinks things in a very binary way. So telling her I exist at both extremes at the same time and want parts from both sexes was not easy, especially being AMAB. Long story short though she wasn't any closer to understanding than she was before, my fault definitely, she definitely still loves me and apparently the one thing I've said to her that's truly disturbed her I'd said almost ten years ago when I told her I didn't believe in Christianity. So on the one hand she doesn't really have a problem with my gender identity, for now. On the other hand she still thinks I'm an atheist, which I'm not but that's for another topic.
Haven't decided how I will tell my dad but if it leads to as much confusion as it has for my mom and girlfriend perhaps it's best to hold off for now. Though really I'm not sure how to explain it with out making the confusion worse. My girlfriend even told me that she wants to be supportive but she's not exactly sure as to how she can be when she doesn't really have a handle on what it is that I am. Either way I'm happy that my mom doesn't hate me and that she'll be kept up to date on things. As for my girlfriend she's agreed to come with me to therapy when I'm able to go. That all having been said I feel a bit more ready to embrace my more feminine aspects but not sure how to go about the clothing and I actually found a lipstick color that I like. Now if I could only build up the courage and self esteem to wear either.
I think it's really awesome that you've been able to come out to your SO and mom. I know it had to be terrifying, but it's better once it's over. And I don't know if this will help, but I think it's ok for her to be confused. It's a totally new topic. Confusion might even be better than denial. Since you were open with her about how much thought you're putting into it, maybe she won't be quick to think it's "just a phase" or "something a good woman/man/religion could fix". I think having company along the way is really important to feeling safe. As long as you keep searching...
*hugs*
well first its a good thing you have a SO who is supportive :)
You could have a look here for a few thoughts:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,184920.msg1644403.html#msg1644403
And you could look up the genderbread person. The differences between gender identity, gender expression, attraction etc are explained there.
You can click on the picture and watch it zoomed to read the smaller prints.
Please do not take the comments on youtube as representative for the whole population. There are often very inappropriate comments, imo by frustrated people, which are erased on other websites. Its not reasonable, and not all people are like that.
I personally disregard them, and concentrate on other websites, which try to give a better picture of possible reactions.
Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...
I'd say take the time you need...
its a process, but many have gone it before and succeeded, and people here will try to support you.
Well concerning religion to me it should be about love... not written words...
And you might keep asking questions, alone writing might help getting a better view...
hugs
At this point I'd rather have her confused than angry or hurt and at least she to some degree wants to be kept in the loop, baby steps. Yeah I consider myself pretty lucky. I'm still pretty early on my journey so time will tell if things hold up. All the same I'm glad it didn't end up being the scarring experience I was expecting it to be, I'm lucky either way since many aren't. I wholly expect there to be some who find out who aren't so supportive, I just hope it's not the ones I need to be supportive. Things are bit less anxiety ridden after it and really considering where I am anxiety is the last thing I need. Error I'm hoping she doesn't feel it's just a phase she was definitely shocked by it all. Thank you Laura for the link it definitely explains things better than I have thus far. I appreciate the support here as well it's definitely important especially right now, thanks.