Hello!
I am the worst when it comes to introduction and social interaction but let's try and see how it goes (btw, not a native speaker, so if I type anything weird, let me know!)
So... I'm 21, and rather, let's say "confused". Since I'm 7 I identify more with the opposed gender I'm assigned with. Because of my family I always played how everyone wanted. More or less. I always tried to stay as neutral as possible. When I got 13, I kind of stopped caring and used feminine but rather loose clothes and it didn't bothered me as much it used. Except when I had "that time of the month". In that case it was always painful and emotionally stressful to me. Otherwise it was ok.
But as time passed, it started to bother me again. My body got VERY curvy and my legs got HUGE. my body became super feminine, and while I do agree that I'm very attractive as a female, it does not feels right.
The worst part is the current relationship I'm in. He is a sweetheart. I really love him. He have been with me for the past years and helped me so much with so many things, some quite heavy. However he is hetero and attracted to females, and doing the transition would mean the end of our relationship.
I talked with him about it and he was very honest and sincere with me. He said we wouldn't be dating but we could be great friends. I can fully understand him, after all, that's his sexual orientation and I have to respect that the same way he does with mine. (including the nickname I'm using, which he gave me in the case I did hormonal therapy).
The thing is, I think that my relationship is more important than hormonal therapy (I'm not blinded, I have thought about it several times and that was my choice. I feel happy that way), but sometimes, it gets into me rather hard. We are not doing well, though... If we broke up... It might mean that I will start to over thinking it again and decide to do the transition.
Which brings the second thing... I have some mental illness. Still have to find a therapist I trust (in the public health system. Bleh) and get the right diagnostic, but so far I showed signs of paranoia, chronic (but light) depression, anxiety and borderline, which makes me wonder if not identifying with my biological sex is caused by one of those things, and since it's a long term compromise, I REALLY want to make sure it's really what I want and not the problems I have wanting it.
I would like to get more info about it before making a decision.
And whoa, long intro is long lol. Anyway, I hope that I can get some more enlightenment about it, and hopefully talk with nice people from here. So far the atmosphere here feels nice! :3
Hi Joca,
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Hugs,
~Jill
Hi Joca :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Hi Joca, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. There's lots of nice people here, get busy posting and I'll see you around the site!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Joca, Welcome to Susan's. Many of us can relate to not feeling comfortable with the changes that occurred during our original puberty so please don't feel alone in that or any regard. You did great with the introduction I know it's not easy putting yourself out their the first time. I look forward to seeing around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Hello and welcome *hugs*
well since you are looking for a therapist what about looking for one who has some experience in gender related matters ?
They could help you a bit sort it out...
You might try some male clothing... mens or unisex trousers... sweaters one or two sizes bigger... second hand stores could be a good source... and maybe playing a bit with hair pins, or a ponytail... and see how that makes you feel...
concerning depression, would it help you if you would make some regular light exercises... like walking, biking, swimming ?
hugs
Jill F: Thanks! And I will make sure to read all the topics :)
V M: Thanks for the welcome! But it's jOca, not jAca xD jaca is a weird looking and weird tasting fruit in my country lol
Devlyn Marie: Thanks and it sure looks like it! I'll try my best even though I'm a very introverted
Mariah2014: Thanks :) and yeah, it sucked :/ and I'm glad I did because I hesitated a lot, even with just the registration lol
Laura_7: Thanks for the welcome! :) and I literally NEVER heard about one in my country :/ I first heard about them in the forum, to be honest.
I have some male shirts to sleep and I feel great using them, though I wouldn't use them in public... Even though I feel more comfortable with masculine clothes, it scares me to use them outside :/
About depression... Well... I can try walking because I don't know how to ride a bike or swim heh .-.'
Hi Joca,
Welcome to Susan's place, you are among friends.
Quote from: Joca on April 06, 2015, 06:29:48 PM
Jill F: Thanks! And I will make sure to read all the topics :)
V M: Thanks for the welcome! But it's jOca, not jAca xD jaca is a weird looking and weird tasting fruit in my country lol
Devlyn Marie: Thanks and it sure looks like it! I'll try my best even though I'm a very introverted
Mariah2014: Thanks :) and yeah, it sucked :/ and I'm glad I did because I hesitated a lot, even with just the registration lol
Laura_7: Thanks for the welcome! :) and I literally NEVER heard about one in my country :/ I first heard about them in the forum, to be honest.
I have some male shirts to sleep and I feel great using them, though I wouldn't use them in public... Even though I feel more comfortable with masculine clothes, it scares me to use them outside :/
About depression... Well... I can try walking because I don't know how to ride a bike or swim heh .-.'
Well it might be there are therapists in your country who do gender issues as well... its also possible there are special centers or specialists for that. You might inquire about the process with the next lgbt center near you... or you might look up transgender helplines in your country, and ask there...
well quite a few people wear underwear of the gender they identify with... there are even boy short panties available now, and quite a few people simply wear boxer briefs.
Well if clothing outside scares you, you might try one or two pieces... to get slowly used to them...
The thing with walking is just to get a bit of regular movement...
hugs
Cynthia Michelle: Thanks! It really is a very welcoming place :)
Laura_7: I see... I will do some research and try to find somewhere to get some extra support :3 about the clothing, that's a good suggestion, I will try :) my partner gave me one of his underwear because it was the wrong number, I usually use it to sleep but let's see how it goes :)
Welcome Joca -
I just wanted to say that I suffer from a mental illness that messes with my perception of things sometimes. And I did wonder/worry at first that those problems were what made me feel like I was having problems with my gender as well. And while I can't speak for you or anyone else. I know that talking it over with people (even non-therapists close friends) really helped me. And I feel like even when I'm not depressed or feeling "off" I still feel like I'm a man so I know it's more than just my head messing with me.
Thanks :)
And yeah... Mental illness just make things harder :/ plus the fact that I can't trust people blah. I will try to talk to someone, even though the only one probably will be the therapist because I don't talk to anyone besides my partner heh :/
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