-MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: Mention of self-harm, suicide, depression, and feelings of worthlessness and shame.
It's been a long time since I've posted or even visited here. I should have kept up with this place, and it may have saved me from the immense distress I've been feeling for the last few months. But, there's no room for 'shoulds'. What I have is now, and I have to make that matter.
I found myself slipping back into my pattern of self-hatred, shame, and suppression of 'trans feelings'. I have no trans friends(Those that either identify as transgender or transsexual) to fall back on when I find myself 'slipping away'. You see, I have a pattern that's happened all my life. I would be incredibly dysphoric for the longest time, then it would ease away and I would believe that I was 'okay with being a girl'. But it comes back. And it always comes back worse than before. Last time I attempted suicide, and I frequently self-harmed(My left arm is covered in burn scars, and I only was able to stop back in November).
This form of it, I had closed myself up for months; not talking about anything that was bothering me, but seeming to make progress with my mental health, or at least what I presumed and my counselor did. Even when I thought I was 'okay with being a girl' I would still have thoughts that if I had a chance to have a male body I would take it in a heart beat. It always lingered. I didn't care about myself because I had(I believe)resigned myself to never being the person I know I am. I stopped going to the gym, didn't care much about hygiene or how I looked. And I did my best to stay away from anything 'trans', even if I didn't entirely intend to. I just wanted to feel whole and I thought I was getting there. Until recently.
I began writing a novel with an idea I had two years ago - about a trans guy(though it's a fantasy setting). My line of thinking was "hey, I could write this character well since I had experience with those types of feelings. It may not be perfect, but maybe I can do it justice." Believing that it was all in my past. I started writing, and it all came back to me like opening the floodgates. I became severely suicidal and even wrote a suicide note to my family - which I have never done even on my darkest days - It's only now that I've been able to get some sort of relief from the dysphoria(Hello old friend), but it's still there lurking, squeezing my heart and making me deeply miss something that I've never had.
I've been recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1, rapid cycling. I tend to think it has something to do with my suicidal thoughts and depression this time, but I know the depression and anxiety I experience with gender dysphoria is much different. My regular depression is severe, but it's not. Now, it's like I was a few years ago where I would hide and cry, and tell myself I was a worthless, disgusting freak and that my family deserved better. I have these thoughts again, and I fear that they will be what kills me.
I live with my parents, who are supportive(in their own way) but do not understand a good deal and have shown no signs of researching on their own. But, they don't hate me. They are not going to kick me out. I live with them at my age(25), simply because I cannot function on my own due to mental illness and severe anxiety(At one point I was terrified of getting in a car to go down town, which is 2 minutes away, and I'd break out in hives). But I am getting somewhere with that, and I have long term goals that I'm working towards. I have a good counselor and now on medication that seems to be working, along with a psychiatrist that actually listens. But, I have it in my head that I don't deserve to be happy with my body and self simply because I'm mentally ill and have trouble functioning - to be honest a lot of my anxiety could be because of the dysphoria - and that my family has enough of a burden.
I'm fully aware that I am my own worst enemy. The monsters inside my head fight back better than I can combat them. But I am learning.
My battle right now is dealing with self-hatred and shame. Feeling that I've done something wrong simply by existing. A lot of my suicidal thoughts go down the road of wanting to 'fix' that.
I am ashamed of identifying as a guy(I don't say 'man' because I don't think that suits me) because I am hyper-aware of our strict gender role society, and oppression of women. I feel like I'm betraying, that I should be glad to be a woman artist/writer; that the world needs more of. With that comes the mentioned feelings of self-hatred. It has put me in a form of denial. I just don't know how to deal with this or how to begin not hating myself for a gender I can't control.
Which brings me here. There's more to my story than this, but it would make the post much longer, I will spare people from that. I apologize for the length of this post. I started writing and couldn't stop. But I am glad that you were able to make it through it and perhaps pass on some advice or support, or at least the hope in knowing that I'm not alone. That would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi, welcome back and thank you for sharing.
It seems you are aware of where a lot of your distress comes from and are now seeking help and treatment which is great. Gender dysphoria is a hard saddle to bear, and we try to struggle on regardless primarily because cis gender don't or won't understand/care. I understand what you are saying about wanting to try and fit into the roles and expectations of our birth assigned genders but if it is causing you so much distress it may be worth investigating further. Have you raised it with the person treating you for your bipolar?
Hugs :)
Thank you for your response. I should have been clearer that I do not care much about gender roles. I've been raised fairly gender-neutral, but always seen as a girl. But I was never taught what one gender could do the other couldn't. I grew up with strong women role models who came from all walks of life. I apologize for not making that clear, I could have done better with my wording. My dysphoria is mainly physical and personal. And I do plan to bring it up with my psychiatrist when I see him next. I have spoken about it at length with my counselor and previous counselors, and also my previous psychiatrist. Then I just kinda hid my head in a hole and tried to forget all about it. I definitely have a lot of baggage to get through.
Quote from: Lucjan on April 06, 2015, 09:31:59 PM
My dysphoria is mainly physical and personal.
Very common for many people - no need to apologise :)
I have severe body dysphoria to the point of drawing blood, but through therapy and HRT I don't do that anymore but I severely wish it away
Ms Grace, thank you.
stephaniec, I'm sorry you've had/still do go through that. It's rough. I'm glad I'm not the only one - though I knew this before I posted, it's just nice to have people chime in with theirs in relation.