Hi everyone,
I'm struggling a lot with the decision to transition, 100% because I feel guilt over upending the lives of the people in my family.
If you are struggling with this decision too, would you be willing to share what is holding YOU back?
If you went through this and decided to transition anyway, is there any advice you can offer regarding how you moved past your guilt/doubt/fear--whatever it may be--and followed your own path?
Thanks a lot everyone.
Quote from: Clever on April 07, 2015, 07:49:23 AM
If you went through this and decided to transition anyway, is there any advice you can offer regarding how you moved past your guilt/doubt/fear--whatever it may be--and followed your own path?
Pretending to be someone I'm not was a miserable, depressing, soul-destroying process. I wouldn't have been any good to my family (or anyone else) if I had stayed a man.
Does this help?
Quote from: suzifrommd on April 07, 2015, 07:51:44 AM
Pretending to be someone I'm not was a miserable, depressing, soul-destroying process. I wouldn't have been any good to my family (or anyone else) if I had stayed a man.
Does this help?
Yeah, I'm right in the middle of this. But I've spent so much of my life setting myself aside and sacrificing for others that these feelings are pretty much my baseline. I've gotten very good at just existing and living in discomfort if it means not rocking the boat. I really, really really want to figure out how to get past this.
Quote from: Clever on April 07, 2015, 07:59:50 AM
Yeah, I'm right in the middle of this. But I've spent so much of my life setting myself aside and sacrificing for others that these feelings are pretty much my baseline.
Do not expect much payback from others for your sacrifice. Many of them will just tell you that you should continue putting their feelings before your own comfort. How dare you embarrass them like this.....
So do not let a sense of obligation hold you back. You have tried and done your best, now it no longer works and it is time to try something else.
Quote from: Clever on April 07, 2015, 07:59:50 AMI've gotten very good at just existing and living in discomfort if it means not rocking the boat. I really, really really want to figure out how to get past this.
I did that as well. For decades I put others ahead of myself but my suffering just intensified and eventually I realised that I was going to die a sad, miserable, frustrated and unhappy person. I figured that maybe it was time to do something for myself, that I would try as much as I could to accommodate family and friends but what I really, REALLY needed to do was to accommodate myself.
I have had "friends" who gave me the
"How could you do this to us?" lecture, but most of the people I know see the authentic me, the true person, the much happier person that was buried and more than a few have told me that they prefer the "new me".
Honesty pays.
I knew I wanted to transition at 17 and didn't start until I was 25 because I didn't want to upset anyone's lives. I was miserable for a very long time, until I realized that I was wasting my life trying to make life easy for other people.
You only get one shot at this life. I couldn't justify being someone else any longer.
In the end the question could be if you can somehow move past THEIR guilt, doubt and fear.
Fortunately I was never in a situation where I had to consider the consequences of my transition for family members, because I was over 40 years old and living on my own when I started, and I had no spouse or kids.
There were friends, neighbors and work colleagues, but I never wasted a second of thought on whether I would be "upending" their lives.
What actually had held me back for over 20 years was denial, then fabricated obstacles like "I am too tall", "I am too old", "I will never pass", "I might regret it" and so on. The final concern that I had was that my transition could influence the kids of my friends in a way that would harm their developing identity, but my therapist then told me this would be very unlikely.
Nobody can feel what it is like to be me, nobody is finally responsible for my wellbeing but me, nobody can make my decisions for me.
Mostly my wife and the potential reaction from my kids religious school.
Everything else is a green light.
But, as they say, to make an omelette you have to break a few eggs.
And I really hate living as a guy, so...
Similar, but over a longer period... I have always had this aversion of upsetting others, especially those closest to me, I have a very long term wife and grandkids now... So in hindsight, if I knew about GID and Dysphoria (as a tag) back before I went down the married path, I would not be where I am now.
I have, over many, many years learnt to control my Dysphoria, but it keeps coming back no matter what I do, this time its never been stronger...
So what's holding me back, I am a bit of a perfectionist, as well as not being a life destroyer, so;
Lack of work and funding (hopefully about to change)
Figuring out how to come out to my wife and Family
Actually being ready to transition fully e.g. Satisfied with body (within reason), Facial Hair and shadowing, Tracheal Shave.... and Aged and sun damaged skin (very much a vanity thing... phew!) but not limiting factor :laugh:
L Katy :-*
what was holding me back? Letting go of a marriage that I had struggled for over 30 years to make work. The marriage should have gone regardless of any trans* issues, but status quo, religious and family expectations, fear of change, and the big one, uber low self esteem and lack of self-worth where what has really held me back, not just from transitioning, but from being okay with myself. So, between T and therapy, becoming more okay with not only existing, but also with expecting the same kind of happiness other, more confident people expect.
Guilt and voice in that order.
What's holding me back is my marriage at the moment. I've been married over 20 years. My wife is my best friend and my lover. She's my high school sweetheart, and we have a great relationship, along with six kids.
She's told me if I transition, then we are done...
I just can't continue to be male anymore, and she knows it. She's seen my dysphoria take off exponentially last year. With her blessing I've started low dose hrt and plan to have an orchiectomy some time next year.
Anyway for now we're taking it one step at a time. Will I fully transition, oh good I hope so (my health insurance will cover it), but right now I can't lose her. So I'm heading for a more androgynous body and presentation for now.
Fear, guilt, low self worth, anxiety that no one would ever accept me and worry that I would tear appart my already fragile family. i finally realized that the way I was living was making things more difficult for my family. That the support I needed to give my friends wasn't there because i was so unhappy. I realized that the only way for me to be the strong, happy, supportive, good person I had always felts short of being, the person my loved ones deserved, was to transition. Only being honest with myself could save me.
Myself, mainly.
I have a supportive family who loves me no matter what. Thing is getting myself to feel that way about myself. There's a lot of guilt and shame in my thought cycles, and a general avoidance to talk about things regarding to what I want. And embarrassment despite being told my entire life not to be embarrassed by who and what I am. But, I'm trying to combat that with cognitive behaviour therapy. Which has worked with lessening the damage done with my general depression. The work now is getting my inner workings to accept myself. I believe I can't face the world if I'm not safe within my own mind.
Other than that, I live in a small community and worried about how transition would affect how my family is seen. Not so much myself because I've always been a 'weird person' - which I have learned to own and laugh about.
I've become more and more aware how much of my depression and anxiety is caused by dysphoria during the process of getting the rest of my mental health to a good place. How much I repressed and didn't deal with, and how that affected me regardless if I was doing my best to ignore it. And how much it came down on me when I 'cracked'. I know I need to transition, it's getting to the point of saying that's okay.
When I first came out to myself, the plan was to have "girl mode" in the evenings. It would be my secret. I was afraid of losing my job. I was afraid of losing part of my family. I was afraid for my life since I live in Alabama. I figured my neighbors would hate me. However there is an interracial couple down the road and to my knowledge have never had any problems with the rest of the neighborhood.
It didn't last long before "girl mode" in the evenings felt like I was suffocating myself. I went to work one day and had trouble breathing the whole way in. As I pulled into the parking lot I had to stop my car because I was so short of breath. It was that evening I told my parents. There was a lot of hesitation and denial on their parts, but they ultimately accepted me. I called their reaction perfectly. I talked to my second oldest sister. I suspected she would accept me. What I didn't expect was how quickly she voiced her support. I barely told her what was going on before she voiced her support. I didn't tell my other two sisters for fear of rejection until later. I got their reactions backwards but essentially correct. It hasn't been easy to be rejected by them, but overall I'm better off today than I was before even coming out to myself. I pretty much had already decided on transitioning at this time.
Now here I am about 9 months later on the road to transition and encountering mostly support and the occasional glance that I'm a horrible person. Its generally not vocal especially with the adults. I've had more trouble with the kids than the adults. One of the teenagers invaded my privacy with a camera saying that I looked like a walmart freak. I didn't acknowledge him in anyway, but I was thinking yeah pretty much the whole neighborhood shops at walmart because its the closest place to us. That was the worst. The other issues I've had is occasionally one of the kids will say something along the lines of "There's the man-lady!". I've been rejected by pretty much everyone my whole life so none of this bothers me. I'll admit the teenager with the camera bothered me for a couple of days.
Two main things really, the first of which being my ex. I need her to basically do my maths exams for me (last year of college, UK, not nice things ??? ) and I don't want to push her away because I don't know what her reaction would be at all.
Second is my family. Mum I think is very open to it because - bless her - she doesn't know about the relationship I had with her (to be honest, none of my family does) and she doesn't know if I'm gay because of it. I am not gay it is nice to know she is at least partially LGBT supportive. Now for the first family problem. Dad. 22 years in the British Army, Warrent Officer Class 1. Yes that makes him the type to challenge his (only) son to do better than him, wants me almost to carry our name forward. Ultimately it would destroy him to lose his only son in this way. (However two hours prior to this post, I have just applied to the army and RAF for aviation engineer based roles as backup if my uni application fails ;D ) Problem two in the family: my twin sister. She has autism which is getting worse and she will just not understand anything. She will question it, and question it, and question it. She may hide from me, she may act as if the male me has died and the female me is just an imposter or she may accept it. Through no fault of her own she is anti-LGBT because she simply does not understand why people are like that, just as she doesnt understand why she is different from everybody else.
Ultimately I dont want to upset the very prichriously perched apple cart :icon_tetter: my family has decided to settle into. Hopefully I'll be leaving for university in mid-late September, join the LGBT society there, get hormones, tell family, they're all ok with it and then everyone can have tea and cake ;D
As it has been said before, don't waste your life trying to be someone you're not although coming out to family (as I think a large number of people would agree) is one of the hardest parts of the process. Something I'm still trying to work up the courage to do :eusa_wall:
I hope sharing experiences helps you in some way :D
Flizzy
Family. And my weight. I would like to get under 250 before I start HRT and that means losing a 100+ lbs. (25 so far!) Family is the biggest. My wife is trying to so hard to be accepting and I think if we had had a strong marriage before my coming out, this could work. But too many old problems are resurfacing. This is not a healthy environment for me to transition in.
I always tend to apply the "Which Pain is Worse" question. I've been on HRT for years, know that I can pass at some level, achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman, yet... gender expression is not the only thing that makes me, me.
At this point in my life to feel 100% would take living it out as a woman. But the potential cost? My wife, my career, respect. Those three count for 90%. So that 10% gain can cost me 30%. Otherwise known as a net loss.
Is it worth it?
Well, fortunately for me, perhaps also for you it seems, there is another viable option. I am not a member of the "Transition or Die" club. Considered joining a few times, but never signed. Tomorrow.... I can change my mind, just as you can can. As long as I still wake up on the right side of the grass, I can, am allowed to, make changes
Purely age to be honest, I'm just not old enough to even give it a go. And christian school so ::)
After my earlier post, I have been thinking a lot about this... I have to say that I have not controlled my life that well, outside of work I am passive, very accommodating, enjoy company, food, wine, etc... I m also very protective over my family, including me hurting them by my Dysphoria.
At work I am very controlling (when I am employed), leading, thinking outside of the square, take risks (some calculations), but I also measure that against best interests for the company and its customers, I also am very aware and abide by Risk Management frameworks.
So I believe this is why I have always backed off transition, but having said that I did make up my mind over ten years ago to commit, as long as at my age I could get the basic body changes right... so here I am this year determined to control my life fully. First step is getting re-employed (after having a promised role with a start date mid January, but role vanished mid February), I was hoping that the contract role would see me through Laser/Electro, then get another role to keep it up, get trachea shaving done, then go PT and get Voice sorted) and onto FT... however money has dried up, although future may get better. So I find myself out of control again, just for the moment tho.
Hmmm as I have lost nearly 4 months of the year, my FT timeline date should move by a similar amount!
L Katy
Thank you to everyone who is sharing their experiences here. I recognize this can be a deeply personal topic for folks and I really do appreciate your candor. You're all awesome :)
I've not yet learned all I can nor am I entirely sure. however, even if I did, I think what would hold me back is the fact that I don't believe people can change. so what if I was to transition, what would I be like, how will I act and say. what influences would come onto me and how will that affect my relationships. my mother is highly accepting as well as everyone else around me. I have the attitude of "if you don't like it than you can leave" and with that, I just go on. even though I'm in the position to, I don't think it would be in the best interesting or its maybe because I'm just overthinking like I usually do.
There numerous factors are holding me back from starting my transition, and it would be difficult to list them all. One is student loans and a job that I will 100% lose upon coming out make it really risky money-wise to start. After that I know I will certainly lose a lot of my extended family members along with a few of my friends, which isn't fun but doesn't bother me too much. However losing my nuclear family members would really hurt, and it is some of the terribly hateful things they have said to me that stopped me at a younger age. But ultimately the biggest thing that is holding me back is the fear of failing myself.
I'll be graduating college here next semester and attending medical/pharmacy school and whats primarily holding me back is society's intolerance, reaction from family, friends, etc., employment. Those are mainly it. I plan on working in the medical field, and I'm not exactly sure how understanding they are of transgendered individuals. Employment is honestly my main concern.
Personally... My current relationship. (it is not holding me back, but making me think more about everything)
My partner is a cis male, and hetero. He told me that if I transitioned, we wouldn't date anymore, but we could be friends. The way he said it was just so calm and honest, he wasn't trying to make me feel bad or anything. I felt he was giving me the choice and would support me no matter what I decided.
I decided that my relationship was more important.
Which made myself wonder... Hormonal therapy is something I really want? Or I want it because of something else? An I just a masculine individual who failed to self express? Hormones are for life, an I sure of it? What about my vaccination/needle phobia? (which is extreme)
I decided to wait, try to explore myself more and solve the issues I have (some mental things that are causing a ruckus everywhere bleh) and rethink it when the time comes. I'm happy with my partner, like truly happy. I don't feel that transitioning would make me happier than my relationship does. Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I didn't figured things out. Maybe he is the reason for me not wanting. But you know what?
The only thing I know is that I'm tired and want to live a day at time. Not transitioning is not what it's killing me. That can wait a little.
Quote from: Joca on April 09, 2015, 11:15:01 PM
Personally... My current relationship. (it is not holding me back, but making me think more about everything)
My partner is a cis male, and hetero. He told me that if I transitioned, we wouldn't date anymore, but we could be friends. The way he said it was just so calm and honest, he wasn't trying to make me feel bad or anything. I felt he was giving me the choice and would support me no matter what I decided.
I decided that my relationship was more important.
Which made myself wonder... Hormonal therapy is something I really want? Or I want it because of something else? An I just a masculine individual who failed to self express? Hormones are for life, an I sure of it? What about my vaccination/needle phobia? (which is extreme)
I decided to wait, try to explore myself more and solve the issues I have (some mental things that are causing a ruckus everywhere bleh) and rethink it when the time comes. I'm happy with my partner, like truly happy. I don't feel that transitioning would make me happier than my relationship does. Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I didn't figured things out. Maybe he is the reason for me not wanting. But you know what?
The only thing I know is that I'm tired and want to live a day at time. Not transitioning is not what it's killing me. That can wait a little.
Good points! Another thing which makes me reconsider is i'm not even sure I'm actually trans. I always hear the "if you don't plan on getting SRS/if you are comfortable in your male body/ if you're not at the transition or die step/etc then you're not trans". constantly reading that online has made me reconsider whether I'm actually trans or just a crossdresser. I've tried DIY hormones on two different occasions (I know, I know), roughly 2-3ish months each time. if not for the physical, the mental changes were definitely reason enough to have me considering transitioning again. The calm and peace I experienced was seriously something else
Hi Clever.
I'm with you, as I'm sure many others are, when you say you want to transition but find a whole lot of external factors stopping you. As I always say, to any therapist who asks, if I lived in a vacuum I'd transition immediately. Unfortunately that's not the case, as (a) I have a family who are bohemian and progressive in some theoretical sense, but not so much in many practical ways. In fact they can be quite reactionary. (b) I have a 4-year-old child, who I feel I'd betray if I fully transitioned (c) I'm scared of employment mobility and opportunities drying up (d) Not passing and the ridicule that would ensue, which has less to do with narcissism and more to do with self preservation and privacy, as I'm very introverted. (e) Having trouble believing that I could normalise and integrate my transition into something resembling a life. (f) Doubts about how and from where my female aspect manifests, most likely because I have an avid interest in theory of mind and consciousness. (g) Losing some part of me (yes, there is still some attachment there. Perhaps I'm non gendered/binary?). (h) And, for some of the aforementioned reasons, fear of making a mostly irreversible mistake (although I've had a couple of rounds on HRT already, so I feel ready now). I'm sure there are other fears that plague my thoughts, but they escape me at the moment.
My fiancee supports me as much as she can, but she's not so sure about HRT or bottom surgery. She's worried about it ruining our sex life, because she doesn't think she could find the same satisfaction in it. She's not against me having breasts, but she doesn't want me to lose or lose use of "down there"...and all the research we've done seems to show that HRT causes loss of functionality.
And it's not like I really have any issues with "that thing". I like it, I just hate my sex drive. So I'm kinda torn about it.
Quote from: StrykerXIII on April 10, 2015, 01:20:32 AM
My fiancee supports me as much as she can, but she's not so sure about HRT or bottom surgery. She's worried about it ruining our sex life, because she doesn't think she could find the same satisfaction in it. She's not against me having breasts, but she doesn't want me to lose or lose use of "down there"...and all the research we've done seems to show that HRT causes loss of functionality.
And it's not like I really have any issues with "that thing". I like it, I just hate my sex drive. So I'm kinda torn about it.
What is it you hate about your sex drive?
what is holding me back? simply my wife, she doesn't want this, and if I come out she has threatened divorce. i'm now trying to wrap my head around actually going the divorce path...cause I need to transition.
Me personally... well, I feel as If I'm not trans enough and I'm scared to actually go see the therapist. I'm a bit of a paranoid person so I feel like the therapist would deny me treatment because I'm not trans enough and my dysphoria isn't "extreme" And because I'm stuck between two names, so there's that... That's what is holding me back. As well as, regret, which doesn't make much sense because I'm depressed and trapped. So why not want to fix it? ???
What's holding me back is the reality of disappointing and ultimately losing my mother as a result. It sounds like what a lot of people say but I personally know it'd break her heart... and I've done that so much already I can't bare the thought of disappointing her on such a level. I know she's disgusted by the idea of people that transition and I can understand why (being the immigrant Hispanics that we are) so I know exactly how it would crush her. That's what's holding me back.
I guess....Mainly fear that if I did i'd lose a lot like friends...family...stuff like that...it's slow though. Was suggested by a counselor I try stuff like wearing the underwear and see how that goes.
Quote from: JaydenPlasmatic on April 15, 2015, 10:19:24 AM
I feel as If I'm not trans enough and I'm scared to actually go see the therapist.
I feel the therapist would deny me treatment because I'm not trans enough and my dysphoria isn't "extreme"
As well as, regret, which doesn't make much sense because I'm depressed and trapped.
So why not want to fix it?
I find that a lot of the difficulties that arise for some people relate to this kind of indecision, myself included.
No therapist should tell you that you're not trans enough, as that's up to you (the therapist is there to make sure there are no underlying mental health issues that would make transitioning unwise at that point in time). This freedom is both empowering and terrifying, as the responsibility rests upon you. That said, the issues that you face are not black and white. Therapists and other health professionals I've seen understand this, and will offer other pathways, such as low dose or short course trial hormone treatments. There's nothing that says you have to commit entirely to your decision to transition, and nobody's going to get upset or annoyed if you change your mind.
I've trialled two separate courses of hormone treatments over the last 5-years. I loved it both times and would continue if I didn't have my own doubts and external pressures regarding transitioning. On the downside, I guess this may mean that HRT alone will not help with your decision to transition or not. I suppose this is why a lot of health professionals suggest (but don't force) people to try living as a female for some time before committing to non-reversible treatments. Of course, it's entirely possible that, as I suspect of myself, you may not be gender binary and are comfortable switching between male and female aspects, non-binary/genderqueer. This is one area where I have found health professionals to be a bit black and white in their thinking, as some don't really understand why anyone would choose not to be either male or female. Sure, there are practical reasons behind their stance, but crucially those reasons fail to address the cognitive dissonance that people like us have to endure on a daily basis.
None of the points I've raised are solutions, but they may help you arrive at some of your own.
Money, really, and time,which I'm in short supply, who isn't in short supply of money really. Time because of the nature of my work and rest involved. Money to get FFS/body sculturing, and not have to bust my arse as much, and time, to enjoy myself more, and complete my studies, and read more, and enjoy time with friends and loved ones.
Money, unless I hit the lotto, or homes appreciate a lot; time, well, I make do.
It's been awhile since I've been here, but I wanted to add another voice.
For the longest time it's been Fear, Doubt, and Obligation. And the last ingredient is a sad sense of self-hatred, which I peeling the layers away from and almost at a breakthrough.
I won't recount my past history, it's here on the forums when I first joined, but loosely I was mistreated early on and groomed to be something I was not. The motives to get me were for their own reasons besides love (they being the parents). That programming did some damage and it's been a personal work to pull through. I feared what would happen if I tried to pursue transitioning, feared how it would affect the family, my friends, and the future.
On that end I dispelled some of those fears; my friends love me no matter what (I won't know fully until I begin the process, but it's a baseline), the ones who were confused or repulse kind of faded away. My parents showed me a glimmer that they don't accept me when I came out to them, and the reinforce (consciously or not) female terms or terms related to what I do for them, but not really a genuine sense that I belong. It's complicated there.
Obligation to care for them in their old age. I figured I could hold out longer and do what they needed me to do (the programming).
Doubt and self hatred came when I started to investigate some principles of Buddhism. The last few years were silently rough between the beliefs and myself. I could not and still don't have a way to reconcile who I am with certain teachings.
Another part of self hated had been a misdirected hatred at men an their privilege, the things they can do and get away with, and other really silly things that just didn't make much sense thinking on it now. It really came down to the fact I hated who I trully was and forcing myself to deny that. I was angry at the fact that I was stuck in this body with all it's faults and no one could see what I trully was. I hide behind the internet, because I can express my true self without anyone seeing the real pain I'm going through in the natural world. I don't know if that's coming out correctly...
In the end, as of today, I'm almost finished with a breakthrough. I realize caring for my aging parents is taking away from the time and energy I could be putting towards getting my life started, on track and on the road to healing. Hating who I really am is denying me the chance to live authentically, and denying people the chance to another one, among many, person in this world.
My health is also forcing this to the forefront as a wake up call. I realize sometime this year I may need a hysterectomy for reproductive issues I've been trying to "bear up". I said to myself, " I get a hysterectomy, it would be no option to have hormones in my body for my general health. And If I have to take hormones for the rest of my life, I would rather have testosterone and have therapy to deal with any issues related to my fears, than to forgo any and live in poor health, unhappy and bitter at any and everything."
All the fear, doubt, and soon obligation will completely crumble into dust, and new path, person, time period is going emerge. I'm ready for that.
my wife and kids. simple as that.
if I could get my wifes support I'd be in a dress tomorrow. right now I'm full on stealth. I'm a high functioning closeted transgender person. Though I am depressed, angry, resentful, aloof and have walls up, as a result.
Money, and fear of damaging my body.
It's good to be able to relate to being held back..
If society was much more accepting,... cuz judgment (or fear of it) is probably what holds me most back.
Of course, the money thing is big enough too, especially that I have trouble with that. But there's still 'more' that I could let out, so what's stopping me from just being myself, at least, that's mostly the judgment thing. Don't want to be rejected or become a center of ridicule or whatever...
I still think I'm growing though,.. and some day I'll be freer to be myself..
I tried to transition once before, and I was disowned by my mother. It wounded me deeply, but I could not bear it when my wife left me.t
7 months of separation and detransitioning later, we started to reconcile.
Now I am watching myself fall apart and I am trying to keep it together while I feel an almost palpable sense of creeping doom. When she left me, I failed the entire semester. A 3.65 is not likely good enough to get me into the nursing program and even if it does, my financial aid is in jeopardy. The only other program in the area is completely out of my means.
It may seem cynical, but all it comes down to is money. The ability to pay for care, to afford access to care. To be in a career where I can transition without being fired. I am willing to try to not transition for my spouse, but even throughout continuous therapy (which I lose access to soon) all I feel that I am doing is delaying the inevitable.
Money, or rather the lack of it is the cage that imprisons me in this existential lie. No matter how I masculine the world sees me, especially after detransitioning, my mind screams defiance, but in the end is overruled by economics. I can't do anything if I don't have a roof over my head and "you have to run as fast as you can to stay exactly where you are".
losing my wife, kids and family.
it sucks so bad because I WANT to do this... yet I'm not willing to pay for it by losing the people I love and care about. Though,it could be I will anyway, I know that likely, eventually I have to come out. It's not optional. I've tried to turn it off, and I can't.
My wife was very afraid of this and in deep denial. I so feared losing her that I offered, and started, to stop estradiol for one month just two days ago. We talked in that time and she finally watched the Jenner interview. One thing she told me was that she already couldn't bear to look at me topless. However, in that time I realized that this was something I HAD to do. Yesterday she told me that she would never leave me, never hate me, and that she felt I had to change even though it hurt her, so, again, I'm going forward. We've been together 35 years and fear of abandonment has always been my greatest fear. I now know we'll grow old together and I only hope her pain will lessen over time.
Self-centered fears and insecurities have been keeping me back. I've thought about transitioning throughout my life and it's come in waves. I think my first memory of me thinking I should transition was when I was in elementary school and me wishing I could dress and have long hair like the girls. As I got older I had fears of rejection from partners, family, colleagues, etc. I wanted to be what other people wanted me to be because I was afraid of losing them.
I just got out of an 8 year partnership and during our relationship he would ask me if I ever thought I was a transgender woman. His trans friends would inquire about my gender identity because I guess they too could sense something different about me. I always said no. I turned to drag as an outlet for my gender confusion, but even that caused anxiety in my relationship. Now that I'm out of my partnership I'm back to thinking about this and this is the first time I've given it serious thought. I've been reaching out to friends for help and support, and coming here to receive support from this online community.
I still feel held back by fears. I go on the job market in a couple years for teaching jobs and I'm afraid of being on the market in early transition. I'm afraid to apply for tenure as a trans person. I'm afraid of what my family will think, even though they've been extremely supportive with regards to me coming out as a gay man, me doing drag, so maybe they'll think this makes sense. Maybe they've noticed the signs as I was growing up. But yes, I'm still paralyzed by fear.
Hi my transistion started about a year ago however, I only got the courage to start the hormones 1 and a half months ago. For me my very unsupportive family was holding me back...I was worried too much about what they might think and not how I felt about my life.:)
My kid and my health. I went ahead with the major public changes after I realized that not transitioning went against my morals, that I was teaching my kid that pretending to be someone you are not was okay. Like I felt I was setting a horrible and trashy example by just pretending to be a girl so I could get along.
My health is another problem and it's complicated. I want urethral hookup and clitoral release and implant testicles, but all the doctors I ever have contact with seem to think that kind of surgical work is bizarre and dangerous and beyond unnecessary. If I meet a doctor who is kind and doesn't treat me like a token I will go forward with srs.
Family, friends, job perspectives, general fear that it is a mistake, not being able to become pregnant, not being able to have genetic children (if I transition my sexual orientation will change) are all of my reasons.
The fact that I have literally no one who I can count on who believes me when I say I'm trans. They've "never seen a sign". I have plenty who say that. People who ask me how I'm feeling and what's bothering me, then try to argue me out of it as if they know what goes on in my head better than I. Sweetie tells me she loves me and supports me, but also tells me that I've never given her a hint, and she just won't believe it no matter what I say or do, anyway. She "always knows when I'm telling the truth." She's so certain of her infallibility. I have no one standing behind me or up for me.
In some ways I'm not strong. When a crowd of people tell me I'm wrong, I start to believe them, even when I can see that their assertion stems from their own desire for things to be a certain way, not from any evidence. This is what, after nine months on HRT, holds me back.
Only external forces hold me back now. Like so many here, the main obstacle was decades of my own denial, shame and fear. Fear of loss, being less than, being even more weird and on and on. Those internalized fears and transphobia coupled with rigid binary narratives got me nowhere. Once I accepted myself for who I really am there was nothing but the external forces such as insurance, process and imperfect surgical procedures that slow me down.
But it's not about speed either as I think we have the perfect right to enjoy ourselves along this path while considering how to live within a family and community. The freedom and safety to be ourselves is priceless and need not have an expiration date or finish line.
First thing is because i'm married to my 2nd husband and I do love the man and I don't want to hurt him and I just turned 51. I'm so used to being split in 2 that i've gotten used to it but there are times I feel like i'm coming apart at the seams. Then I get myself under control and just deal with it as usual.
Because my husband is 14 years older than me and in pretty bad health he might have 5 more years left in him so i'm waiting until he passes then I will start the transition. I've waited this long, a few more years won't kill me.
There are a few other things like my health is not in the best of shape right now and fear but those are minimal compared to the first 3.
I think my fear of rejection and caring too much what other people think has held me back at this point. My mother could not accept it and has made a huge deal over it and we no longer are on talking terms and this made me not want to transition as I just felt it was more bad then good. But I decided I need to make myself happy and do what I truly want to do. On a positive note my caring so much about what other people think comes from my mother and not having her there installing that into me has let me learn to care less about how other people perceive me. The fear of not passing comes into play with holding back on transitioning I am very tall and masculine. I have started preparing myself by not having expectations of how I will look after hrt/surgery and started just accepting how I look often telling myself that I'm a big girl so I'm bound to have big hands and big feet also and that's ok. Be positive and go with your heart it will set you free.
Im afraid of what people will think of me. I just wish I was born a woman to begin with, that I would never have to go through the transition. Fact is that at first I will get clocked, and even when I actually will pass (which Im sure I will) I will stil not be seen as a "normal" woman by society.
Also, Im in a relationship with a man since 2y back and what if he doesen't want to stay when I transition? Now this is not something that would stop me, but the fact that it's so hard to find lasting relationships with men once u've taken that step worries me. I don't want to be alone.
But on the other hand one should not let the way men sees you effect how ur gonna live ur life. It's just this whole thing with how the world will see you, and the fact that there is a big chance that I will never get to be "just Rebecka", because so many will see me as Rebecka THE TRANSGENDER WOMAN. Transgender is just a smal part of who I am, it's not my entire identity and I don't want people to see me like that.
And yes, I know, one shouldn't care that much about how society sees you and what others think, but I do and it feels like ->-bleeped-<-. I just wish I could be a cis-gender woman, cis-privilege is really so strong and for us living without it people constantly try to define us, which keeps us from defining ourselves.
Maybe Im the only one who feels like this, but hopefully someone else recognize this feeling of risking your sense of agency and the right to be defining who you are by yourself?
BTW, I'm new to this community so if I post anything in the wrong place that's why. I'm really bad at technical stuff.
My wife of 25 years and three teen daughters. My spouse will stay with me as long as she can. She feels I have to take steps till I am no longer "miserable" is the word she used for me.
I have some of the other non-compelling reasons: I'm too old; would not pass easily; gone nearly bald...
those are the main reasons. I'm sure I would be frightened letting those I work with know but that seems like less of an issue to me. Perhaps I am not being realistic. However, I do work in the arts. While there are a few on our staff that might be conservative, I think most would just be surprised and accept it.
With warmth,
Joanna
All that's holding me back is money, and I don't know if I need a therapist's note to start T or not.
QuoteAnd yes, I know, one shouldn't care that much about how society sees you and what others think, but I do and it feels like ->-bleeped-<-. I just wish I could be a cis-gender woman, cis-privilege is really so strong and for us living without it people constantly try to define us, which keeps us from defining ourselves.
Maybe Im the only one who feels like this, but hopefully someone else recognize this feeling of risking your sense of agency and the right to be defining who you are by yourself?
your not alone rebecka,
I deal with issues even being a pre-trans regarding what others think of me. Such has held me back for years.
Quote from: RebeckaJensen on June 10, 2015, 07:56:47 AM
Im afraid of what people will think of me. I just wish I was born a woman to begin with, that I would never have to go through the transition. Fact is that at first I will get clocked, and even when I actually will pass (which Im sure I will) I will stil not be seen as a "normal" woman by society.
Also, Im in a relationship with a man since 2y back and what if he doesen't want to stay when I transition? Now this is not something that would stop me, but the fact that it's so hard to find lasting relationships with men once u've taken that step worries me. I don't want to be alone.
But on the other hand one should not let the way men sees you effect how ur gonna live ur life. It's just this whole thing with how the world will see you, and the fact that there is a big chance that I will never get to be "just Rebecka", because so many will see me as Rebecka THE TRANSGENDER WOMAN. Transgender is just a smal part of who I am, it's not my entire identity and I don't want people to see me like that.
And yes, I know, one shouldn't care that much about how society sees you and what others think, but I do and it feels like ->-bleeped-<-. I just wish I could be a cis-gender woman, cis-privilege is really so strong and for us living without it people constantly try to define us, which keeps us from defining ourselves.
Maybe Im the only one who feels like this, but hopefully someone else recognize this feeling of risking your sense of agency and the right to be defining who you are by yourself?
BTW, I'm new to this community so if I post anything in the wrong place that's why. I'm really bad at technical stuff.
Welcome to Susan's Place Rebecka,
I believe that many of us share your concerns and it is especially important to me to define myself and own this narrative. We have many commonalities and our journey can be shared but we remain unique individuals with that free agency you note. I trust you can find threads, posts and people here who will share and support you along the path. Yes we are more than the sum of our parts and presentation. What the world sees is not the only measure of who we are. It seems completely reasonable that folks in transition consider the big picture and the lives we touch. Having a committed SO factors in to many discussions here. See you around.
Even though I am starting week 8 of HRT and out to a few people, I fear that this is the most that I'll be able to do in the near future.
KIDS. CHURCH. WORK. EX-WIFE
My current wife is very supportive and worries that I'll resent not being able to the be woman I am, but at 43 and the father of two girls I know that as much as I want to be I have to be conscience of those in my life.
1. Kids. - My youngest would be okay (she's 2). She is the daughter of my current wife. My oldest 11, is the daughter of my ex-wife. My ex-wife is very judgmental. She has a very closed minded family and I fear that if I come out publicly that her extended family on my ex-wife's side would be VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY mean.
2. Church - I am very active in my church. I work with the kids and am on the church board. It is a fairly conservative church split between old and new. I fear that if I came out publicly it would tear the church apart.
3. Work. I hate the people I work with. I hate my boss. I have customers scattered across the state in offices big and small and I am not sure how they would handle it. I don't work in an office 24/7.
4. Ex-wife. UGH. There is a reason why she is my ex. We have a good relationship but I fear that she won't be kind and I have already mentioned her family.
It's a tough decision. I was fearful for years because I felt that I was always living for the expectations of others. I still feel selfish at times for making this call. I need to remind myself that if I am not happy how can I make others happy. You can give people water from an empty pitcher.
There is no right answer to this question. I am scared AND delighted to see what the future will hold. My body is starting change. I haven't noticed any changes with my face but they're coming. EEEEEK
Quote3. Work. I hate the people I work with. I hate my boss. I have customers scattered across the state in offices big and small and I am not sure how they would handle it. I don't work in an office 24/
I actually like my job and the people I work with..but that still sets up a whole new worry
Work is a big worry for me. If I did decide to transition I would be terrified that my career would be finished.
Also my wife and I are trying to have kids(is that selfish?) so that is also delaying me.
My own mind is keeping me back by swinging between acceptance and ... your totally crazy.
People probably don't really care but we are our own worse enemies with this mental self-flagellation.
I love my wife and she loves me and the thought of transitioning and the shame it will bring her family is just soul destroying. Sometimes I think it would be noble to suffer for the sake of a normal life. I'm so confused.
Doubt delays me. Social transition, in general, terrifies me, because I did it before and found I actually had an EASIER time being a "woman." I'm terrified of regret, and I'm afraid of dissatisfaction with my results because I'm a cranky perfectionist.
The thing that really STOPS me is that I want biological children. Desperately enough to put off much-wanted and much-needed top surgery for one. (Sometimes there's the risk of tissue left behind growing during pregnancy, and that would devastate me.) I'm terrified of compromising my fertility by taking testosterone. I'm terrified of the issues that come with being transmasculine and pregnant.
It's painful, but ultimately easier to just be misread for a few more years.
Someday, though. :/
Thank you, all. Reading this thread was just the kick in the pants that I needed.
My insurance has a nasty catch-22, where you're supposed to live as your preferred gender for 12 consecutive months before they'll pay for transition-related surgery. My figure happens to be very emphatically feminine, even wearing a binder. I can't get rid of the silhouette, and that's what registers first in anyone's mind. So how could I live as a man, if only the tiny minority of people who could be persuaded to overlook my appearance would treat me as one?
After digging around in the byzantine mess of insurance policy paperwork, I learned that they'll authorize breast reduction surgery with only documentation of the back problems that my DD's are causing. I'd want that done even if I wasn't planning to transition. So I've set the ball rolling by getting a doctor's appointment to talk about that. The plan from there is to get a referral to a surgeon, see how much they can do for me that stops short of full mastectomy, then start transition with a far more disguisable chest.
Here goes nothing.
Quote from: Marly on June 10, 2015, 12:05:37 PM
your not alone rebecka,
I deal with issues even being a pre-trans regarding what others think of me. Such has held me back for years.
Thank you for saying that, it really helps a lot knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way!
Thing is, even after transition when people knows ur trans status Im afraid that I (as I said) only will be "the trans woman Rebecka", and never 'just Rebecka'. At the same time I want to take pride in it and be all like "You know what, ->-bleeped-<- em all, I'm transgender and I'm a good and loving person!" and just reclaim the mening of the word trans. So it's so dubble, I want to be seen as any other girl but at the same time I want to take reclaim the mening of being trans and take pride in it... you know what I meen?
And thank you Tessa for the welcoming, it's really nice to find a place like this where I can read about others situation and you know... get to know more about how it is for others on their different stages of transitioning (or non-transitioning) :)
Quote from: Nicodeme on June 12, 2015, 12:40:58 AM
Doubt delays me. I'm a cranky perfectionist.
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
Family, Kids, Living in a backwards area that is still in the 60's
Weltschmerz: Physical reality can never attain the desires of the mind.
My ->-bleeped-<- not having a somewhat biological/"genuine" basis.
HRT not being sufficient, science lacking in knowledge of the bigger picture & pharmacology/chemistry of hormones, genes, modulators, hormonal makeup, brainwiring, etc.
it being a coping mechanism for reality due to psychological trauma (feels disrespectful to women)
Perhaps i'm so lonely I look for a woman in myself.
Intellectual asynchronity compared to emotional intensity, a construct/fabric of my mind.
It being a sexual compulsion.
It being a call for attention, and only that.
The ever-lasting doubts and possible regret afterwards.
Losing my friends, people I know.
Not passing, don't really care about, rest of the world seems to do though.
Not finding love in life.
Professional & economic worries.
Fear of being violated, being attacked.
Fear of anger management issues due to women being made fun of, joked about, discriminated against in some industries and me not taking any of that.
Fear of relapsing into drug abuse
Not being accepted by other women
Being misunderstood and having no rightful way or explanation.
In debate with myself if it feels valid to change my biological sex since "being male" has already afflicted all of my body and it's workings.
Wondering if there are other ways to deal with it.
Not having children
Fear of surgery and phantom pains.
Feelings of vanity based on the idea there are worse things out there.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-reasons-we-suck-at-making-big-decisions/
Also this xD
I used to have fear of this and how people would think of me. Now, I don't care except my wife and kids.
If other people can't accept it then to heck with them! It's my life and I only get one!
So I am moving slowly to minimize the brain damage I'll cause the kids. My wife has finally made it there and accepts me. The kids only just found out so it will take time.
Here's the deal though that you need to know Clever, I waited way too long to do this. I'm 49 now. The single upside is having been able to raise my kids in a stable environment. The negative is I've wanted to do this since forever.
If you think really have this, look it in the eyes, see if it's real. Talk to a therapist and if it's real then start the change even if it's slow steps. Pierce an ear, wait a while then pierce another. Slowly start hair removal. During that time you build your courage and conviction.
Good luck with figuring it out.
Homelessness caused by rejection. Though I have a job I doubt I still could afford a place to live :(
For me there are few reasons,
I am trying to shed some weight first while I still have the evil T word as I have read it becomes harder when I start E.
Strangely enough my wife even though she already knows I'm somehow scared that we may drift apart. Without her I don't know what my life would be like without her, I'm not even sure I could embrace transition if it meant we weren't together.
My children are the major reason, I don't want my actions to affect their social development. I'm worried they will have to be always defending their second mum when I transition having said that I am fairly certain they will be fine.
I also work in a heavily male dominant profession but at least there are very strict discrimination guidelines. It's also a very physically demanding job so I'm thinking I may need to change career.
Apart from my wife and kids I really don't mind how the rest of the world reacts, so long as I have them nothing else matters.
Now I'm just waiting on an appointment with a therapist to fully understand before I start letting Kaylee free.
All I know for sure is after 15 years of keeping her locked up she has never stopped trying to get out no matter how hard I try to suppress it. Now every moment that I am not losing myself in what I am doing my thoughts are constantly on transition and how much happier i will be when she is can free.
-Kaylee
I was about to begin talking to someone about hormones but my father just passed away 7 days ago so now I really won't be able to transition for at least another year or two as I'm only 16 and now my mom has to pay 2000$+ for expenses and such which to some of you might not sound like much but we're not the highest earning family so it'll be a while so there's no chance I'll be able to begin hormones now :c
A couple of reasons:
First, my hopelessness of passing at the moment (too much bodily hair which grows back immediately after it's shaved, non-fem face, poor make up skills, a lack of curves, a large beer belly, my androgynous mannerisms, etc.)
Another is the impact it will have on my family. I told my sister and mother I was gay, but I feel that they would respond less positively to being trans. My father is quite misogynistic, and often uses 'gay' as a negative adjective, so I'm pretty sure he would not respond well...
I didn't realize I was trans until about a year before I began to transition but I always struggled with being unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin, for years I abused drugs and alcohol, this only masked the problem. Eventually I was able to come to terms with things but I didn't transition right away because I was worried about what everyone else would think, or treat me and was worried about how difficult it could make my life. It was my actually my wife who pushed me and gave me the confidence to transition and I'm so grateful to her for that because all of the fears I had about transitioning didn't come true. My employer and coworkers have been supportive and my family has been to. I realize I'm very fortunate in this aspect but it just goes to show that you can't predict the future, or how people will react. At the end of the day people are selfish by nature so why sacrifice your happiness to avoid possibly making others uncomfortable. We all deserve to be happy, life is much to short to live in misery to make others happy.
Nothing yet... but I'm worried. Inertia has always been a defining part of my character. I get comfortable, or at least sedentary, and it kills any forward momentum I might have. My conscious awareness of my identity has given me a spurt of energy I've not had in years. I've set up an appointment with a gender therapist, spoke with a couple of friends about what I'm going through, started to diet and exercise, and begun dusting off my resumes to get a job with more security. It's been good and exciting, and I'm worried that one wave of apathy across the beach will wipe it all away. I'll still feel the same, but I'll go back to not doing anything about it. I'll sit... apathetic, depressed, and now fully aware that I should be someone else... someone better.
But, I'm determined not to let that happen! I've stolen a mantra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, often referenced in scenes with Willow and Tara, "strong like an Amazon." I'm going to be strong like an Amazon, and fight my internal darkness and apathy as long as I have the strength to do so... and hopefully that will be enough.
I'm holding me back. I've spent the last year trying to stuff the proverbial genie back in the proverbial pill bottle. Simultaneously, I've been telling everyone in my life that my first transition attempt was a big misunderstanding and putting my fingers in my ears at any incidental mention of gender diversity.
Now, not only do I have to start all over, but I'll eat some serious family crow. It may well the final straw in my marriage.
Quote from: TamorTom on July 19, 2015, 10:38:26 PM
Nothing yet... but I'm worried. Inertia has always been a defining part of my character. I get comfortable, or at least sedentary, and it kills any forward momentum I might have. My conscious awareness of my identity has given me a spurt of energy I've not had in years. I've set up an appointment with a gender therapist, spoke with a couple of friends about what I'm going through, started to diet and exercise, and begun dusting off my resumes to get a job with more security. It's been good and exciting, and I'm worried that one wave of apathy across the beach will wipe it all away. I'll still feel the same, but I'll go back to not doing anything about it. I'll sit... apathetic, depressed, and now fully aware that I should be someone else... someone better.
But, I'm determined not to let that happen! I've stolen a mantra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, often referenced in scenes with Willow and Tara, "strong like an Amazon." I'm going to be strong like an Amazon, and fight my internal darkness and apathy as long as I have the strength to do so... and hopefully that will be enough.
It is very strong of you to share this, and I really believe that many of us can relate to it. I tend to sometimes end up in that place to and it really is dark there.. But somehow for me it's like once you get things rolling then it is easier to just go with it and keep being active about it and just not stop.. But that's probably very different for each individual!
But it's good that you are on ur way! Stay strong and fill your life with activity and motivation!
Lots of love and support from Sweden <3
- Rebecka
My masculine face/body despite being on hrt for a few years.
Money, fear, lack of support, family, insecurity, body hair, college studies and dependency on my family.
the love i have for my wife and will not jepordize our marriage...31 yrs ago i thought about it but i met my soon to be wife and that ended that thought...im lucky though that she is ok with me dressing up time to time to calm myself down..
I just don't think I have the courage to do this. I've tried so many times over the years and always chicken out. My wife tolerates knowing I'm trans, but that's about it. She doesn't want me to transition at all. Any time something about me being transgender comes up, she get very quiet and distant. I can understand that she doesn't want me to change but she's known about this for almost 30 years. This isn't going away and it's driving me crazy. I'm so depressed lately.
Also I don't want to do anything that might negatively affect my daughters. They're almost adults now and I really scared to think how this would affect them.
Finally, my father is probably going to die soon. He's mid-eighties, but then I put off my first attempt when he had his first heart attack 35 years ago. Thought my transition would kill him. Now here we are again. My parents don't know but whenever I showed my feminine side growing up, they were extremely negative.
Yes, basically family.
Take care all,
Paige :)
Life.
When it comes to physical transition, what's holding me back is the fear of how my close family and friends will react to the changes. I mean, changing my name and pronouns, even my attire and whatnot... it's hard, but it's nothing compared to the changes that would come with going on T. I have this fear that my mom won't be able to look at me anymore, or that my siblings would be weirded out. They all know I'm trans, and most (not all) of them aren't supportive of it already. So, I'm just afraid that the changes (esp. in the face) that would come with T–that I would normally be excited for–would make them avoid me, or cry if they saw me or something.
But I know I need to do what I feel is right for me, so I can't let them stop me. I just feel like I should move into my own place first, just in case the reactions are too awkward for me to be around them.
All that, and money. Lol.
*
Excuses!
Excuses.
Excuses.
Excuses.
All I read were excuses.
And each one valid with each of you.
It is SO FRUSTRATING! Isn't it.
You have every effort to progress forward, yet you remain either stuck or in reverse. AGH!
Been there - done that - SO MANY TIMES. My absolute and total empathies with each and every one who posted as well as in spirit for those who did not post for whatever your reason.
Allow me to begin comment that in my estimation it seems the most frequent reason is that you are subjugating yourself to someone else - spouse, mom, dad, brother, sister, friend, partner, co-worker, neighbour - for one reason or another.
I ask you to put this in reverse. How well would these people subject themselves to subordinating their life goals to you? Tough question. Indeed. Ponder that. Many of you would not get their time of day from your people if push came to shove - that is the cold reality for most of us. That is the fear for most of us. We would rather retreat into some imaginary concept than face that harsh reality that we are all alone in our efforts. Or at least alone in our personal lives.
You are not alone when you come here to this wonderfull place of support. Thank you, Susan!
I faced my own dilemmas and my own excuses for many many years. I began my transition in 1974 when I had a quick, chance meeting with Denise. But I was stuck residing at a small town distant from anywhere. Opportunity was nil 45 years ago so at least I pounded the local Public Library and read and read and read. Finally I found a trans-friendly physician in 1978 and I was on my way; that led to getting my name Sharon and sex as female changed at SSA by September 1978. It would take another year to finally get my first trans therapist, my first endo, and my fiirst ERT (Norinyl and then DES) (1979). That led to getting my state to affirm my new name Sharon and sex as female; my first act was gong directly to MVD and getting my first driver's licence in my new name Sharon as female (1980). More exhilaration and success.
But now what do I do with what seems to be everything in my hands.
The same excuses: work, family, friends and social circles, church, daily errands.
I decided that I would transition my life in steps and in different elements of my life: work, family, friends and social circles, church, daily errands.
My employer in 1978 knew of my legal changes because of SSA's discrepancy list - SSA reports to your employer if you work in one name but your SSA file is different. My supervisor was the Personnel Manager; she kept reasonably mum, but I overheard her comments to
another office supervisor who spread it to others who spread it to still more at work and I was outed without coming out. I kept quiet and focused on my job though I wrote an extended letter to her 'just in case'. This was one opportunity to transition that I lost because I failed to see it at that time. This same opportunity to transition as Sharon and female at work would come again a few years later (1983) with a different Personnel Office supervisor - this time in the face of being fired for being transsexual (she had it backward and thought I was a female working as a male). This was a second opportunity to transition at work that I failed to recognise until years later.
I, too, was misguided about my family. I spent years in feminine protesting since age three. My immediate and extended family expected my eventual future but refused to accept me anyway; meanwhile I was afraid of losing them though I failed to recognise that I never had them.
Another opportunity to transition that I lost because I failed to see it right in front of my eyes.
I had friends and a social life, but looking back, they were not in my corner. So why did I subordinate myself to them when most all did not care one whit about me? Fear of losing them; I lost them anyway. Another opportunity to transition lost.
My father and that now-ex-friend Clint came to my home one evening and complained about what my change was doing to them. They were more interested in themselves.
I was active at my Catholic parish as a religious educator and as a teen / youth minister. My church is among those who actively oppose transsexuals. Though I had a supporting pastor and nun and a diocese award, I faced one opposing parent who forced me to quit that church. But again I lost time on mis-guided notions rather than the opportunity to transition.
So at least I began transition during the mundane of life: getting gasoline at the filling station, buying groceries, simply walking along the downtown streets in transition mode while on my days off work. Small successes led to increased success. I got the nerve to anonymously walk the business halls of places where I had been known as my male predecessor - it was my test to determine if anyone recognised me as female; no one recognised me. I attended a Christmas pageant as Sharon my transitioned person; again, no one recognised me. Each success meant that I 'passed the 'passing' test'.
Along the way, I dealt with an exploratory for inter-sex (1982) and a correction procedure (1983).
Since I was not residing where I really wanted to live, I quit my job in the midst of my supervisor firing me as transsexual (1985). I totally departed every element of my life, moved to a new location and soon began my new life as Sharon and female. This new location was now about a two hours drive from my father's home and only one soon-to-be-former-friend who knew my past (we would break up within weeks of me telling him). This was a clean break from my past, a fresh start to my future, people would know me only as Sharon and female. Success.
Thus ended my string of excuses and I began my new life unhindered by a past. I went from part-time transition to full-time female and forever (June 1985). Transition in any form and through any stumbles is still success.
Please do not allow that money is holding you back. Most communities nowadays have trans-friendly clinics on a sliding scale. Most pharmacies have special generic-pricing that provide for three-month prescriptions at $10; I'm on MediCare and my price drops to less than $3 for three months of 2mg estradiol tablets. Can;t afford electrolysis and you don't want to shave your face? Don't shave. I plucked my facial hairs - it took maybe an hour or so - I did it while watching TV before bedtime; my facial skin remained smooth and there is no shadow. It did not hurt; my electrologist told me that plucking actually contributed to damaging the roots and make electrolysis easier to kill those damaged hair roots.
Looking back, I lost so many opportunities to transition because I thought I could please others in exchange for their support. I learned they would NEVER accept me which meant I only had me to please. My only regrets were that I did not do this as well as I could have due to all my lost opportunities that I failed to recognise. Please recognise your opportunities and seize them.
I am pleased to be me - Sharon and female.
*
In reply to Sharon, I had two excuses, lack of information and lack of money. Once I decided to come out in 1973 it took me until 1982 to have my surgery. It took working my way through three therapist (and they were hard to find in those days) and burning more money faster than I should have had to. It was only a lucky meeting in the Endo's office with somebody under treatment with my third therapist that gave me the program I needed to transition. At that point I started voice therapy, beard removal and learning how to present as female. To move to cross living took about two years and then it took another two years in order to rebuild my savings for surgery.
None of you need to face what I did because the information that delayed me is here free for the asking. With this web site I could have cut between 4 and 5 years off my transition time and may have had even better results than I did.
Did I have fear, tons of it but I understood that the transition needed to happen for my own sanity and the sooner the better. Delaying your transition is putting off your happiness exchanging it for more misery. I picked the easy road ending the pain the fastest way I could.
Quote from: cheryl reeves on August 10, 2015, 10:30:45 PM
the love i have for my wife and will not jepordize our marriage...31 yrs ago i thought about it but i met my soon to be wife and that ended that thought...im lucky though that she is ok with me dressing up time to time to calm myself down..
I find myself in a similar boat, though only married half as long.
I was thinking about it then met my wife.
Ironically, though I've know for years, she's starting to identify as a transman.
15 years ago I settled on being a breeder and mothering a mess of kids.
Sent from my SM-G920I using Tapatalk
Quote from: EmilyRyan on July 09, 2015, 11:50:07 PM
Homelessness caused by rejection. Though I have a job I doubt I still could afford a place to live :(
Sorry hun, I know it's hard but you got to choose life even though the prospect may seem difficult at times.
you'll get there <3
Quote from: Clever on April 07, 2015, 07:59:50 AM
I've spent so much of my life setting myself aside and sacrificing for others that these feelings are pretty much my baseline. I've gotten very good at just existing and living in discomfort if it means not rocking the boat. I really, really really want to figure out how to get past this.
It's like your reading my life story. I wanted to transition when I was 14, but I was frightened by the thought of telling anyone how I really felt. Now I'm at a point where I am so unhappy going through every day pretending to be a man that I have to transition. Only now I have an 8 year old daughter to worry about. How will it affect her and moreover, will her friends alienate her because I'm different. I am very very slowly making progress by dropping very subtle hints (mostly by accident). But I don't want to wait too long. At 8, she is still likely to be more open and accepting than she would be in middle or high school.
Hugs
MWAH!!
Kayla Marie
I am 33 I haven't got any money currently unable to make an effort to find a job I have slot of experience in construction boats I Capitaned one for three years I worked in heavy equipment but I hate my life and every time I try to start transition I have so much anxiety I sweat and shake and run then shut down for several days I feel like I am slowly failing my self and my life is spiraling out of control I don't know where to go from here I can't stop trying and I don't know how to start I am so unhappy I want to find some where to hide and just wait
Quote from: jessica32 on August 31, 2015, 09:02:48 PM
I am 33 I haven't got any money currently unable to make an effort to find a job I have slot of experience in construction boats I Capitaned one for three years I worked in heavy equipment but I hate my life and every time I try to start transition I have so much anxiety I sweat and shake and run then shut down for several days I feel like I am slowly failing my self and my life is spiraling out of control I don't know where to go from here I can't stop trying and I don't know how to start I am so unhappy I want to find some where to hide and just wait
you can dress full time without hrt,and there are women who do work construction and are just as good as their male counterparts. i suggest you find a good gender therapist who can help you over come your depression so you can find a happy place.
I've not read the whole of this thread but it's an interesting question that was posed back in April, with some great informative replies :)
For me, a transition that takes a few years isn't so much of a problem as long as I know I'm on that road. As mentioned today, even wearing female clothes is a starter, but I also love the tingle in my breasts. I look down and 'know' it's happening and that does a heck of a lot to stem my dysphoria.
As some of you will know I intend pursuing an orchiectomy first before a full SRS. This is for a number of reasons:
1. Transitional: Again it's about the process & that one will cut off the testosterone source;
2. Surgical: I don't really want major invasive surgery right now;
3. Practical. I travel a lot including into remote places. I just can't see myself maintaining a dilation regime
4. Toxicological: Key to me is not being too long on toxic AA medication
5. Orientational: (I'm stretching the 'als' here ;) ). I'm not fussed about having vaginal sex, at least not at the moment.
6. Financial: I simply don't have the money for full SRS right now
Maybe there is also a bit of 7. Familial, but I don't think so too much. I don't strip naked in front of my family ;)