I was curious as to where and how a lot of trans guys are able to hook up with...well, anyone! I've got an OKCupid profile, which has only yielded three friends and one date in the last ten years. Yes. Ten years. Let that sink in. Any wonder I'm dealing with depression?
Now that I'm transitioning, I feel like it's harder to meet anyone, especially since all I'm looking for is a little how's-your-father with one or two people. My tastes tends toward older individuals [my last two lovers were both fifty-something butch lesbians], masculine women, and gay men. But I kinda feel like I don't really match their tastes seeing as I'm a man, but I don't have 'traditional' male genitals.
Does anyone have any advice on how to meet people, given the parameters I'm working with?
Message anyone who sparks your interest and don't be afraid of "oh they probably won't write back" or "they're outta my league". Do not send bland, uninteresting messages. No one wants to reply to "hey what's up?" Or "hi how are you?"
Be funny, be creative. Be interesting. Don't make your profile boring either. Put a bit of effort into all this and you'll eventually catch someone. It all comes down to effort. There will be times when there haven't been new users for awhile and you've messaged everyone who catches your fancy with no response. No big deal. Take a break for a couple weeks, add a new photo or two of yourself, maybe tweak your profile, and hop back on it. Most of all, keep an air of confidence in all this. Confidence is key.
I've had a lot of experience (and success) with PoF and okcupid. So I'm not just talking out of my ass haha
I agree with everything Aero said. I actually had a pretty decent batting average on OkCupid. My PoF profile kept getting deleted, which is common for trans folks from what I've heard. Tinder also was pretty good for me. Even though I'm not at all into the BDSM scene, FetLife has a very good LGBTQ+ community and is very friendly.
Be up front and confident. I know it's difficult when your body doesn't match up with how you feel, but the right person will get it. Don't wait for other people to send you a message, especially if you see them checking out your profile. Go ahead and at least send a quick message about something on their profile that you liked.
Probably the best thing I ever did profile-wise was to have a friend look it over and suggest changes. Pick your most critical friend and ask them to look it over. If you trust them, tell them they can rewrite whatever they like. Tell them to judge your pictures and see if you need to take new ones.
If you like gay men and just want hookups, Scruff and Grindr would work. Scruff particularly has a more mature demographic.
You might have success on Craigslist, but be cautious.
There are also sites like Adult Friend Finder which are more sex oriented than the dating sites, and you would have the option of listing yourself as either 'transgender' or 'male'. Transgender will get you more attention, but make sure that you clarify in your profile that you are FTM.
First impressions are the most important thing, even more than whatever your downstairs anatomy is. make yourself attractive and appealing, in both body and mind, and convey this in your profiles - in your pictures as well as profile text. You'd be surprised how many people, when attracted, are willing to look past it.
Quote from: Amadeus on April 10, 2015, 03:07:34 PM
I was curious as to where and how a lot of trans guys are able to hook up with...well, anyone! I've got an OKCupid profile, which has only yielded three friends and one date in the last ten years. Yes. Ten years. Let that sink in. Any wonder I'm dealing with depression?
Now that I'm transitioning, I feel like it's harder to meet anyone, especially since all I'm looking for is a little how's-your-father with one or two people. My tastes tends toward older individuals [my last two lovers were both fifty-something butch lesbians], masculine women, and gay men. But I kinda feel like I don't really match their tastes seeing as I'm a man, but I don't have 'traditional' male genitals.
Does anyone have any advice on how to meet people, given the parameters I'm working with?
I only hook up once with a complitely strange the other times had been with people I already and which already knew I was trans and what I had between my legs, so no explenation.
btw which part of the world do you live? if you live closeby we can hook up ;)
Okcupid didn't do anything for me. They don't give you the choice of putting transgender down. There are other choices, but not that one.
Above all else, be careful who you hookup with. There are a lot of nice people, but there are also some sociopaths and other dangerous types. I hate to admit it, but even though we are on T, we lack the larger bone structure and strength that cis guys have. You don't want to get yourself in a situation that you can't get out of. Sadly, there are some types who prey on guys like us.
sam1234
Quote from: sam1234 on April 12, 2015, 03:28:41 PM
Okcupid didn't do anything for me. They don't give you the choice of putting transgender down. There are other choices, but not that one.
Above all else, be careful who you hookup with. There are a lot of nice people, but there are also some sociopaths and other dangerous types. I hate to admit it, but even though we are on T, we lack the larger bone structure and strength that cis guys have. You don't want to get yourself in a situation that you can't get out of. Sadly, there are some types who prey on guys like us.
sam1234
You can currently choose from a variety of trans options when selecting gender on OkCupid. This may still be restricted to those making new accounts. I know it was not an option in the past, but they were piloting new gender/sexuality options with new users starting a few months back.
Quote from: ftmax on April 12, 2015, 03:32:43 PM
You can currently choose from a variety of trans options when selecting gender on OkCupid. This may still be restricted to those making new accounts. I know it was not an option in the past, but they were piloting new gender/sexuality options with new users starting a few months back.
no its available for old acounts as well. I had an old acound where I was registere as simple "man" I think it was 5 years old and they probably did not have those gender options IDK. anyway went to my profil a few weeks ago and it was no problem to change my gender from man to transman.
OkCupid for dating, Grindr for hookups. I am very upfront about the fact that I'm trans and pre-op in both places, because I don't want to have to tell every new person I chat with individually. A surprising number of Grindr guys are really into our equipment.
I;ll have to check it again. they had a lot of options for sexual persuasions that I've never even heard of, but I didn't see transgender. Its worth a look.
sam1234
Sorry I haven't been back sooner to reply. Housemate has made life very tense for me lately.
I live in Atlanta, and you'd think there'd be a higher concentration of guys who might be open-minded, and maybe even women. So either there aren't or I'm doing something wrong or no one's into me. *shrug* I'll try Grindr and Scruff, just to see what I can find. [Although it might be better if I wait til after surgery and recovery and such...]
Hope your surgery goes well! You, MacG, and I are all getting ours done in the next week-ish ;D
There will be plenty of time for Grindr when you're all healed up!
Had pre-op appointment today and was told to abstain from sexual relations for a while. I held up my right hand, looked at it, and said, "Sorry, babe."
Nurse cracked up.
Quote from: Amadeus on April 15, 2015, 04:53:18 PM
Had pre-op appointment today and was told to abstain from sexual relations for a while. I held up my right hand, looked at it, and said, "Sorry, babe."
Nurse cracked up.
lol I love it.
anyway its very far away place I know nothing about it, but I think its difficult even in the areas which are wellknowed for being good or accepting.
I've been kind of at a loss in this general area, but afraid to make my own post because I'm not sure what is/isn't an appropriate topic for this forum... >///< I hope this is ok.
I'm pre-T for now and the near future. I don't know my orientation, but I tend to fancy effeminate guys (and some androgynous folks). I'm also on Effexor (which saved my life but crushed my fragile libido), and have Asperger's Syndrome (so I'm afraid to make any romantic/sexual move in case it comes across the wrong way, and I'm under-sensitive to physical sensation).
I know for sure I'm not asexual, but god is it so hard to meet anyone, or feel anything. I've never even held hands with anyone. I pretty much assume everyone I meet isn't attracted to autistic FTMs. Every few months I try buying another (ahem) "external massager", it does nothing for me, and I get mad at myself for wasting money.
I feel as single as a potato and as un-sexy as a box of crayons. :embarrassed:
Quote from: TayBay on April 17, 2015, 05:26:24 PM
I feel as single as a potato and as un-sexy as a box of crayons. :embarrassed:
This quote has made you my favorite person on this website.
To be fair causal sex is probably the best when your trans, because the strain transition can but on a relationship is insane. Saying that do be careful esp with gay men. I dont know how far you are in transition but you may still be able to create another life and thats gonna add to your problems. Try pansexual hook-up sites you're more likely to meet open-minded people who are a little curious. Just be careful of the fetishers and the creeps.
Good luck
Gentleboy
Quote from: The_Gentleboy on April 18, 2015, 06:30:58 PM
To be fair causal sex is probably the best when your trans, because the strain transition can but on a relationship is insane. Saying that do be careful esp with gay men. I dont know how far you are in transition but you may still be able to create another life and thats gonna add to your problems. Try pansexual hook-up sites you're more likely to meet open-minded people who are a little curious. Just be careful of the fetishers and the creeps.
Good luck
Gentleboy
Well, surgery is on Thursday. So, that's where I am. And I think I found someone on OKC that might want to play around. We're going to spend my recuperation time talking and getting to know each other for now.
Quote from: Amadeus on April 21, 2015, 10:18:29 PM
Well, surgery is on Thursday. So, that's where I am. And I think I found someone on OKC that might want to play around. We're going to spend my recuperation time talking and getting to know each other for now.
Good luck and let us know how it goes! I had mine yesterday and I'm feeling great so far.
Amadeus, how did your surgery go? Hope you are well on the way to recovery now. Know you must feel much better about yourself now.
Hey guys! It's two days post-op I feel surprisingly good, despite the drains and the binder. The oxycodone is making me a little itchy and now I feel like a Hawaiian kahuna the way my abdomen is so...fluffy, we'll say.
And Northside Hospital in Atlanta is...brill. Absolutely brill. Fully-staffed with nurses that had no problem referring to me as 'he' and 'Mr J'. Dr Nahai did the surgery and I've had very little pain so far [except for right after I came out of anaesthesia, but Dilaudid knocked that out.] I did freak out when they put the mask over my face to knock me out. Three people held me down until I blacked out. Good times.
Drains come out Tuesday. And it's probably a good thing I'm not seeing anyone, as I'm not supposed to get my heart rate up too much for a couple weeks, so I can't even have a good wank.
I do feel a little weird about it all. My friend took photos of my chest after Dr Nahai marked me up. My mannaries looked...terrible. They hung low, had stretch marks all over the place...they should never have been allowed to develop when I was a kid. But after twenty years of lugging them around and now they're suddenly gone...it's just weird. I mean, how am I going to warm my hands in winter now? I used to shove them under a Devil's Dumpling or even stick a sock under there to warm it up. And I can't say that I feel any more confident right now. I might once the drains are gone and I don't have to wear the binder all the time. And get rid of some Buddha belly.
Anyway, thanks for the well-wishes, everyone! Means a lot to me. :)
Congrats man! It is a surreal feeling. Glad your surgery went well, I hope your healing goes as easily as mine has these first few days.
Stick your hands between your legs or under your armpits.
I never disclose my status in an online profile like okcupid, because I try to stay as stealth as possible. Also from my experience, if someone finds out after we've exchanged a few messages instead of having it blatantly on my profile, they're a little less weird about finding out
most of my hook ups came from the gay bar, Craigslist or grindr. With the gay bar guys I rarely mentioned anything about not having a penis until my pants were coming off (I don't recommend this but I really hate telling people). On Craigslist I always mentioned it through emails before meeting, for safety reasons. Grindr I mentioned it if I knew I was meeting them for a hook up, and didn't mention it if I was just meeting them and didn't know what might happen. Stay safe. Carry pepper spray or something idk maybe, it makes me feel slightly more safe.
Quote from: ftmax on April 26, 2015, 07:12:37 AM
Congrats man! It is a surreal feeling. Glad your surgery went well, I hope your healing goes as easily as mine has these first few days.
Hope you guys are recovering well. Mine is in two days.
Monog married, so not much to say on casual sex!
Hey, congrats, MacG! Are you having DI? Mine was. Me and my mate were talking about it last night, about how well it's going. With my gallbladder surgery back in 2010, I felt horrible for a week. I partly blame the Darvocet. I mostly blame my family for making the house so tense and mental.
So, had a fun discovery this morning around 5am: two heart monitor pads were still stuck to my back, under my binder. I remember finding a couple while I was in hospital and just peeling them off. But these...I kinda want to go back, drop 'em on a table, and say, "You lot forget something? LOLz."
They're ALWAYS leaving those special stickers on special places.
Yup, having DI. Possibly an oophorectomy at the same time. I'll find out tomorrow.
It's great to hear recovery is going well for you!
They're ALWAYS leaving those special stickers on special places.
Yup, having DI. Possibly an oophorectomy at the same time. I'll find out tomorrow.
It's great to hear recovery is going well for you!
I don't do online hookups but I tend to have a lot of dudes bothering me at conventions. In a good way ;D But to be honest a lot more of my gay male friends were into me before T and coming out and they are casual sex-tastic among their friends so I kind of have a hookup line whenever I need it. I think most dudes will be pretty honest about whether they are not into transmen and the important thing is not getting too worried about the people who aren't interested because many people ARE! I prefer friends of friends (with good judgement) simply because I know someone who knows them...
Anyway, take it easy and rest up and hopefully you'll have some cool folks to get to know when you're recovered!!