So there goes a loving year-long relationship down the tubes.
Admittedly it was dogged by problems from the start. We met in person but had dating profiles on a fetish/alternative dating site. She was much younger, but we got along swimmingly in person. However, a few oversights and misinterpretations of our quite detailed profiles gave rise to some issues. For one, she either did not realise what gender dysphoria was or she didn't see the word 'dysphoria'; she thought I just liked cross-dressing, which she was cool with. To cut a long story short, we had a few break ups, but our love and shared topics of discussion meant that we were always drawn back together. It was nice.
Due to circumstances outside of my control, we spent some time apart so that she had "time to think" about our situation, with friends having an opportunity to bend her ear. The conclusion was our latest, and likely permanent, separation, supported by a whole lot of excuses that were never before a problem. It didn't sound like her talking. It probably wasn't, but then these decisions are usually made on gut-level emotions. They never feel right or wrong, leaving everyone slightly damaged and torn apart.
This recent breakup highlighted the fact that my dating options and criteria are becoming increasingly narrow. At least as far as having a happy and successful relationship. In the past I could quite easily fall into a heterosexual relationship with anyone that I got along with. This ultimately led to a 14-year relationship that resulted in a child. But when I made the big revelation to my long-term partner about my trans status, it was all over, irrespective of how progressive she'd always thought she was. Not that I blame her, she never set out to have a relationship with a woman. I was to blame, but not altogether knowingly; I was oblivious to aspects of being trans. After this first 'coming out' experience, I underwent a very steep learning curve on the nature of gender, being trans and the limits of people's acceptance of trans people.
Anyway, my point...
As I grow older and better understand my needs, gender status and all that stems from that on some future social level, dating looms as something hugely problematic. If I were looking for someone right now, for example, they'd have to be: female, trans-friendly, accept (or even like) that I will be on HRT some or all of the time, be prepared that I may partially or fully transition, and accept a toddler into their lives. And all this has to be cleared prior to even dealing with all of those other meat-and-potatoes dating criteria, such as 'chemistry', favourite hobbies, food, demeanour, sense of humour, entertainment tastes, etc., etc., etc.
Seems like too much of a tall order to me. It's one more thing that really gets me down. It adds to the dysphoria tenfold, as it has the potential to delay my hormone therapy. Why, you ask? Well, I've always had such great luck finding partners as a hetero male 'vanilla' dude, that I fear I'll be alone when I go onto HRT. On an emotional level it's like trying to arrive at the least worst decision. I don't want to be alone, but if I transition, there's a high probability that will happen. But if I don't transition, the dysphoria is so bad that I seriously fear for my well-being.
You're really brave Eve, and you did the right thing. Unfortunately the outcome sounds really common, but that means you're not alone here. Dysphoria doesn't just go away, and the sooner you work on it the better everything will be.
I feel like those in your situation are lucky in a way, that you had the chance to have a baby and be a parent. My biggest sadness is that I will never have a uterus, and since I have a male partner, our only realistic option is adoption (which is almost impossibly difficult).
Dating options are something to think about for anyone, but I guess the older you get the smaller the dating pool is (as more people are attached). There's a silver lining to breakups though, at least to other singles.
Quote from: Echo Eve on April 11, 2015, 10:27:22 PM
On an emotional level it's like trying to arrive at the least worst decision. I don't want to be alone, but if I transition, there's a high probability that will happen. But if I don't transition, the dysphoria is so bad that I seriously fear for my well-being.
Regrettably that is the hard place that many find ourselves in - between a rock and a hard place...
I hope you can find a suitable resolution.
Finding love and acceptance is difficult with a large pool of people. Being trans and on HRT does not mean there is no opportunity. Being at a place where there are more LGBT can help.
A good plan but still there is the emotional factors you cannot control. I had a 5 year relationship with a woman who knew, even supportive of my cross-dressing need. We were engaged for 2 of those years. As wedding date pressure mounted, she broke, calling everything off totally out of the blue. Just "I can't" as the reason why.
Deep down I knew the what the reason was. The old "You are not like other guys" coming around to haunt me once more. It took a little time but eventually I learned from a mutual friend the reason. Not a real man.