This hurts so bad.
I did it. I have seen a lawyer and the papers are being filed on Friday. I'm leaving my husband of 30+ years. I'm taking half our furniture and moving to a different city, a trans-friendly city where I can transition more safely than I could here. I only know one person there and we are just acquaintances.
He doesn't know it yet. He's out of town vacationing w/ friends. I am having major second thoughts.
We were only 2 years away from having the house paid off and from his retirement. That's going to go at the window now because I'm filing for divorce. Instead, I now have a tiny, dumpy apt in a city where I don't know anyone instead of my big pretty house in our small town where I know everyone and have a couple of very good friends (who probably will have a hard time being my friends if I come out to them.)
This isn't even about my being transgender. We never even discussed the trans* thing, except when he would teaslingly/ sneeringly ask if I thought I was trans*.
All the things in our major that are/were wrong--the lack of respect, the judgmental remarks until I 2nd and 3rd thought my replies, then didn't say anything after all because I didn't want to be criticized. My own distancing, all of it that soured our marriage--I know those things are there, but now all I can think of are the good things and wonder what I'm doing. He's texting me funny little notes. For the first time in a year, I want to be held.
And I'm having to move while he's not here because of his uncertain temper. Yeah, writing it down, it all adds up to the marriage being over, but deep down inside, I'm terrified to be alone.
I hurt. I feel so afraid. I've called all my friends and they all have lives that are busy right now. Only one friend knows about the trans* thing, so I can't even be completely open with the other friends. I can't afford to loose them right now.
I thought I was ready for this. I thought I was actually looking forward to it. Now, all I can do is rock back and forth. I had no idea it would hurt so bad.
I really want to 'fess up and throw myself on his mercy and vow to pretend to be a girl for the rest of my life. It wasn't that bad, was it? I could be okay in my imperfect marriage the rest of my life now that I know how bad it could be by myself, right?
Please, anyone, any words of wisdom here?
Hi Chris,
I really am not the right person to give advice in this matter but I wanted to reply so that until someone with more wisdom than me is able to respond, you at least can know that you've been heard.
Whatever your decision, just be careful and compassionate with yourself.
Best,
Ian
I wouldn't know exactly how you feel, getting out of your own is scary... especially when moving to another gender. It's like, your old self DIED and you're born in your new identity.
I have no history. I have no work history, no credit, no nothing. It's really strange being 31 and trying to establish credit once again. I moved to a completely different state, but it is to be with someone in a relationship. Credit companies won't listen to me when I say "hey that's my credit file over there"... I have legally changed my name, changed driver's license numbers, states, addresses, genders, etc... and credit companies are like "newp you start a new file". Rolls eyes, w/e... I can't even get a SECURED credit card or charge card, "no credit file"... wth
I can only imagine you probably being a little older since you've been married as along as I been alive. But trust me, you will feel liberated from this lie you've been living your entire life once you start the transitioning phase.
I am from the country as well, and when I lived back home I had a nice decent large house in the country side and now I am in an apartment in the city on the east coast.. luckily I have my fiance' who i've known for three years with me... otherwise id be a mess!
If you need someone to talk to, PM me.. we can chit chat... hugs... take care
Lexi
Hiya Chris
When I split up with my ex I told her it was because of me being trans, in reality it was so much more than that.
I told people that we never argued in our relationship but the truth was that I was always worried by her temper, I was also sick of her snide comments & unbelievable levels of lazyness.
I eventually moved out when she was with her family for a month & if you honestly feel the only way you can end a relationship is to do a midnight run then the relationship is probably an unhealthy one.
Ending a relationship is hard, it hurts even if you're the one ending it. In fact I often think it's harder for the one ending the relationship as they not only have to deal with the heartache but they also end up carrying alot of guilt about hurting the other half (even if the other half is abusive & deserved to get dumped).
From what you've posted about the relationship it sounds like an abusive/controlling relationship & not a healthy enviroment to stay in
Stay strong, big hugs
Jayne
Thank you Ian and Lexi and Jayne. I think I understand now about rebound relationships. I want to be held--by anyone. I feel like I'm coming apart and just need someone to wrap their arms around me and hold me together.
Jayne, you're right, a midnight run means big problems. I'm just sitting here in this half-empty house, waiting to go, wanting it to be different so I can stay. Going through bargaining and compromising in my mind. On the verge of calling him up, confessing what I was about to do, how much I've spent already, begging for forgiveness and promising not to rock the boat ever again. I am ashamed of myself. I thought I was stronger than this, until it comes down to reality.
I know other people have gone through divorce and move and transition all at once; I don't know why it doesn't seem possible for me. This just feels 'wrong.' And I'm not sure what part of it is the wrong part. (Did I mention the part where I'll be living on savings until I find a job. Yes, jumping with no net. Not like me at all. I don't like this.)
When I left my ex she was away for a month, I spent a very worried week packing up my life, I was terrified she'd come back early & find out what was happening.
The sense of relief when I took the last box out of that house was unbelievable. Only once i'd moved out did I phone her to break the news.
She said we could stay friends & spent the next 2 yrs playing mind games with me until she almost pushed me over the edge, she knew i'd been suicidal for months & kept pushing me closer to the edge.
The desire to be held is natural especially when you've been in a committed long term relationship but you need time to heal your wounds, if you can be strong enough to spend some time finding yourself then you'll come through this experience stronger & wiser.
If you ever feel your resolve slipping & need to talk then feel free to pm me.
forgive me for not understanding , but your saying he has no clue your about to do this
Quote from: stephaniec on April 22, 2015, 06:46:09 PM
forgive me for not understanding , but your saying he has no clue your about to do this
Sadly, that's right Stephanie. This isn't a knee jerk decision I'e made, which is maybe why I'm so shocked that I'm reacting so badly. But my therapist and a few friends who know him all convinced me this was the only safe way to do this. it doesn't feel very honorable, but it's better than a possible physical altercation. (He could go either way, mad or sad or option C. I can never tell, even after all these years together.)
Quote from: Jayne on April 22, 2015, 06:42:34 PM
When I left my ex she was away for a month, I spent a very worried week packing up my life, I was terrified she'd come back early & find out what was happening.
The sense of relief when I took the last box out of that house was unbelievable. Only once i'd moved out did I phone her to break the news.
She said we could stay friends & spent the next 2 yrs playing mind games with me until she almost pushed me over the edge, she knew i'd been suicidal for months & kept pushing me closer to the edge.
The desire to be held is natural especially when you've been in a committed long term relationship but you need time to heal your wounds, if you can be strong enough to spend some time finding yourself then you'll come through this experience stronger & wiser.
If you ever feel your resolve slipping & need to talk then feel free to pm me.
thanks so much for this Jayne. two years. I don't know how I could handle that. I won't be completely moved out until Friday. He is expected to return on Saturday, unless he comes in Friday evening. Maybe, once I'm completely out, I'll feel better.
Thanks for the good advice on being held, and for the offer to pm you. (and thanks to Lexi for that offer, too) I may do that in a bit. I'm going to try to get some sleep, I think. My head isn't on straight for much else.
I totally understand best not to chance a physical encounter. good luck
Hugs, Chris. I kind of wish I had your bravery to up and leave a toxic marriage. Good luck and we wish you all the best. Remember that you are never alone.
I've had to end relationships. Not as long-terms as yours, but definitely ones I was vested in. It can feel great and horrible at the same time. Guilt is common. Especially at first, with all the second guessing.
But things improve and you heal and move on.
Good luck with this.
Hmm. Curious situation. I sense tumult on their side as you fear. Just by the shock of "POOF YOUR GONE". On the other hand you did this because you had reasons. I don't know how to give my thoughts because I am not qualified as an acquaintance, friend or relationship advisor. My only thought is have a distant means to communicate with them weekly. And in a manner that you will not, if weakness hits, give up your location or freedom until you find out yourself if this is right for YOU. MIGHT I suggest a counselor. God speed.
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thanks so much, everyone. Your comforting words are much needed and appreciated. I am soaking it all in and it is helping.
Hi Chris, hugs & x's
I have not been there yet, so I can only imagine what you are going through, it is forefront in my mind at the moment, I will have to encounter the coming out, probably ending up divorced alone too, based on comments and feelings that I pick up...
It is hard to end a married relationship, after all you have spent so many years together building your life and home... It will hurt, but I know that the pain will lessen over time, especially once you make new friends and build a new life...
Regardless of how things end up when you move, you have friends here... :-*
L Katy
Quote from: katrinaw on April 23, 2015, 06:31:56 AM
Hi Chris, hugs & x's
I have not been there yet, so I can only imagine what you are going through, it is forefront in my mind at the moment, I will have to encounter the coming out, probably ending up divorced alone too, based on comments and feelings that I pick up...
It is hard to end a married relationship, after all you have spent so many years together building your life and home... It will hurt, but I know that the pain will lessen over time, especially once you make new friends and build a new life...
Regardless of how things end up when you move, you have friends here... :-*
L Katy
thanks, Katy. It's a tough an scary time. I'm laying in bed right now, realizing I've only got one more night here and trying to find the strength to sort through our stuff. I have to leave most of it behind b/c my apartment is too small to hold 32 years worth of memories. I really appreciate your kind words. They help.
Dear Chris
It is so very hard to break away and start again - it takes real guts and conviction. It's also hard to do it the way you've done, by sifting through the stuff accumulated over so many years. And it does hurt. A lot. Certainly I was at my worst and most uncertain and insecure moment when I had to decide what to take and what to leave - the emotions are hard for an emotional person to deal with.
If you are sure that you must leave your husband, then your future path is clear. That means to leave the person, not the place and all of its associations and comfortable clutter. All of this becomes hard to separate in our heads. The key thing is remember WHY you are doing this, and what led you to your current situation. Judging from how you write, none of your reasons is frivolous or half-baked. So stop, breathe, go for a walk, and remember these things.
I wish you the very best!
Julia
In all honesty, I am too young to know your exact experience. All I have is what I've experienced thus far. And based on what I've seen, I will always encourage everyone I meet that is contemplating leaving a bad situation of any form to go through with it and leave. Because we're only alive (that we are conciously aware of) once. It is senseless to me to waste that time. So please, for your sake, your health, your eventual happiness, and for the satisfaction you will get from living, let go of the negative that encompasses your life. Be free to make your decisions. Do what makes you happy. It is only after you have lost everything that you will be free to do anything. I hope you can do everything you desire.
thank you so much, all of you, for your replies. I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I had logicked it all out. I didn't expect the pain. The regrets. The doubts of maybe it's not as bad as I was thinking and maybe if we just did this or that....
He's out of town right now, texting sweet nothings to me and begging me to call him. I just wish it could all be different....... (and I am having moments when I think it could be different if only, but--)
You left for a reason. Sorry you are feeling pain but you have a reason(s). Stay true to your plan until you know absolutely, that is is right or wrong. Give it a minimum of three months if not 6. No one gets up and goes like this unless they are damned sure they know it is best. Just my 9cents
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You are stronger than you think, you've found a new home in a new city, that shows that your resolve is firm.
Right now you're facing the same doubts that every person who ends a relationship goes through, it's natural, it doesn't mean you're doing the wrong thing.
We're all here to support you
My wife and I have been together one way or another for..... close to 40 years now. I dropped the T-Bomb on her almost 6 years ago now. She also knew from day one I had "issues", as well as my history of dealing with them.
Like you, six years ago I thought that through the shear force of will I CAN. I made it this far w/o needing to do anything.... anything but fight back. But I suspect like you are today realizing, that "Fight" has been turning you into into a lifeless, soulless, joyless person. I really needed to do something about how I was NOT handling being trans.
Today, I still have no F'n idea what sort of trans person I am. I need to present male for many reasons. I know my true joy lies in living a totally genuine life as a female. I wrestle most days with the trade offs... What I loose, vs what I gain.
Throughout all this time, through MANY to most of my "WTF Am I Doing ??? " meltdowns, has been my reality therapist, my BFF, my soulmate, my wife. My No. 1 Ally, reminding me of what I know is true, "I know what does not work". She has been my life partner, still is, still likely to be for today. Still doesn't like, at all, the loss of her man, her husband, and aspects of our shared life dreams of a future together.
Taking on the trans-beast is not an easy thing to do. Having an ally by your side helps a lot. Having a partner by your side that knows all your buttons, and you know deep down in you heart can and will never try to understand, for whatever reasons, your feelings you tried so so hard to shield them from, will no doubt derail any attempt you make to find joy. To find true peace.
You Know what does not work.
You Know what will not work.
You also know if your husband really truly cared, he will also transition, make changes, in his own life and how he thinks about himself. At least to try, to feel out, to perhaps realize it is the person, the spirit, your soul, he feel in love with married. Yet by all your indications he is not that sort of person. Perhaps not the man you thought he was.
Before my wife and I officially tied the knot about 15 years ago, one of the "Agreements" we had was that if the other wanted out, then that is it. Depart as friends, not as enemies. We both place the others needs and happiness above our own. I know all too well how hard it is for her to part of what I am dealing with. I've heard many times "I did not marry a woman" lately, "I cannot think of you as a man anymore", "I cannot think of you as my husband". Hardly a week goes by by without me feeling depressed by the shame and guilt of being me and TOTALLY F'N UP our life dreams.
Yet she is still by side. Perhaps loves me even more today then in the past because I am a far better person. I knew all to painfully well 6 years ago after my third TG Support Group meeting the time was almost too late to tell her what was up with me. I knew I needed to be there. Perhaps even more then I needed her.
It seems like you know what you needed to do.
To assuage your feelings of shame and guilt you can keep the door open for him. If he wants to change, he will put in the hard work to. You'll be offering him the option an opportunity to. The rest is up to him
What has kept my wife and I tenuously together all this time has been the always difficult open and honest communications. At first EXTREMELY difficult for me, since being trans meant talking was dangerous, something may slip out. As difficult as it was for me to do, it was even more important to. My wife responded in kind.
You know in your gut what is the best thing to do to survive.
Again, my most sincere thanks to everyone here. You are keeping me going, keeping me from rolling up in a ball waiting to 'get caught' and punished. Today is the last day of moving. The last day in the house. The last day with our dog (which I am leaving with him because it is best for her). I am hoping that finally breaking away from here, from all I'm leaving behind, will help. It still hurts, but it's not a knife-stabbing, debilitating hurt at this moment like it has been.
I am hoping. And, thanks to all of you, I am able to hope.
Chris, this is a very tough situation and I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate to some of this. Sending good thoughts and crossing my fingers for the move! Hugs, Adrian
Quote from: adrian on April 24, 2015, 09:34:19 AM
Chris, this is a very tough situation and I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate to some of this. Sending good thoughts and crossing my fingers for the move! Hugs, Adrian
thanks, Adrian. yesterday was better and today is starting off better too. I'm feeling sane today after feeling totally out of my mind the first few days. I think, now that the physical move is over.... Okay, I'm not sure how that is going to affect me. I've guessed wrong about how I will feel too many times in these last days.
So, today I start sorting out this tiny little apartment and see what happens next.
Quote from: FriendsCallMeChris on April 25, 2015, 07:32:50 AM
So, today I start sorting out this tiny little apartment and see what happens next.
What happens next is that you live, you rediscover who you are & you seek the happiness of true inner acceptance of who you truly are
How is it going, Chris?
Quote from: adrian on April 27, 2015, 12:31:06 AM
How is it going, Chris?
Thanks for asking Adrian,
I am doing surprisingly well, considering last Tuesday, the day I moved out. I LOVE where I am. The place is small. It is unfamiliar. And it's all mine to do with as I see fit. No more hiding my boy-style underwear :) I feel balanced and sane, and am feeling more whole each morning when I wake up. I thought it would take longer.
I regret any pain my husband is going through. But I've lived for him since we were dating. I can't do that anymore.
I've always believed, I taught my daughter, that a person can love many people. But the one to marry is the one that brings out the best in both of you. We weren't doing that. Hadn't done that in a long time, if ever. This way, we both have a chance at becoming our best selves. This was the right thing to do.
It feels good to type that. I wasn't sure. But now I am. This is right for me. Maybe it's right for him, too, but that's not for me to determine. Marriage to my husband wasn't making me a better person. It was making me a bitter person. And my life is too precious for that.
I've never lived on my own before. I am no less lonely, (I am a LOT less lonely) than I was living w/ my husband, which is, I guess, I sign of how far we'd grown apart. When we was home, I didn't want to be in the same room. When he wasn't there, I was always on the edge of waiting for him to come home which put me on guard continuously. Now, that edge is gone. I feel amazingly relaxed.
I am making lists, though. Because I find myself forgetting what I plan to do next. Still feeling the effects of the stress, I guess. But I have plenty on that list. Things that are good for me. Things that I want to do. Job things. Therapy things. Health things like working out and grocery shopping. Life things. I feel like I'm healing from a lifetime of faking it.
I wish I had done this earlier. But then, those backwards wishes don't do me any good, do they?
Looking forward to every minute forward.
I'm so happy for you that you followed through! I'm sure it will take time to adjust, but it sounds like you made the right decision and you are stronger for it.
Chris, thank you for the update -- I'm glad you're doing well! This sounds great. What you write also gives me hope. As I mentioned, I'm in a similar situation with my husband and I'm working my way towards a separation, I think. I have so many doubts, but at this point I feel so alone and unhappy in this marriage. I hope I can find the strength to sort my life out and find some sort of peace along the way.
Yay for lists! :)
Wow!! What you put in your last post mirrors so much of my experience.
The fear when you decide the relationship has to end feels crippling but the relief when you take the step is unbelievable.
No more hiding, no more fear.
It's like you are an arrow in a bow, you quiver with the tension but once released you are free and your target is clear
Quote from: Jayne on April 27, 2015, 01:32:06 PM
Wow!! What you put in your last post mirrors so much of my experience.
The fear when you decide the relationship has to end feels crippling but the relief when you take the step is unbelievable.
No more hiding, no more fear.
It's like you are an arrow in a bow, you quiver with the tension but once released you are free and your target is clear
Very poetic, Jayne, and very true. I have checked out a couple of grocery stores and found my fave--and found a thrice removed cousin there! Found a great diner. Met some people this morning at my apartment's gym. Opened new bank accounts and have coffee planned with an online trans* acquaintance that I've been corresponding with who is giving me a great career/money earning opportunity as well as letting me know about the trans* stuff in town.
I don't know what's happening with my husband, but I find myself forgetting to think about him. I'm calling that a big plus. He is surrounded by friends and family so he's got a solid support system.
And I have about half the things crossed off my list for today. I have a feeling some of them are going to get bumped to tomorrow.
Oh, and I've introduced myself as my chosen name twice now. Even though there is no way I am passing yet--there's not even an ambiguous question about it :-*, it feels really good to introduce myself with my name as I hold out my hand to say hello.
Hi Chris. I am listening and caring. Not sure what else to say right now. The best part now is that you no longer have to pretend to be a girl. You can be the man you have always been and are.
Angelgrl
Chris, I am on the cusp of being in your shoes. He's gone for a month and I'm trying to figure out how to leave.
You are BRAVE and AMAZING and I'm so damned PROUD of you. You are an absolute inspiration.
Please keep us updated on how you are faring. We care a lot.
Quote from: Clever on April 29, 2015, 11:27:27 AM
Chris, I am on the cusp of being in your shoes. He's gone for a month and I'm trying to figure out how to leave.
You are BRAVE and AMAZING and I'm so damned PROUD of you. You are an absolute inspiration.
Please keep us updated on how you are faring. We care a lot.
Thanks, Clever, your kind words mean a lot to me. It took much planning to minimize the damage for both of us (although I don't think my spouse would recognize that.) And there is some collateral damage, especially monetary. But each day is better than the day before. And I am learning that money doesn't buy happiness. I keep waiting for a crash, but so far, no.
I feel so incredibly good in my own skin. I can't remember feeling so okay about being me (except for rare moments on the ball field back in junior high--funny how those memory bubbles just floated up).
Life just feels so good. I really didn't think this kind of sustained euphoria was possible. Is this what other people feel most of the time? If so, I've really missed out on a lot.
2 month update and gratitude:
Wow, I can hardly believe it's been only two weeks. All that emotional overload seems like a lifetime ago. I am doing well. Better than well. I am going fully into T transition which both my mind and body are soaking up like rain on a cactus in the desert. Yes, I am blooming.
Much of my well being is thanks to all of you who gave so much to me through your comments and your PMs when I was in need. Your caring came through. You were a life saver. Maybe even literally.
So, thanks. It's a small word, but it is said from the heart with all the gratitude I can put into it.
I'm glad to hear things are going better Chris. Congrats. Hugs
Mariah
I am sorry you are going through this by yourself.
I am assuming you are going to get a new gender therapist in the new city. That person should have a lot of knowledge about the local the local LGBTI community. It is important to branch out, meet new people and make friends. One way is to volunteer for LGBTI initiatives, parades and gatherings. Community is very important and you will need to reach out and get involved.
I know right now you are hurting and I am sending good thoughts your way. What you have done is very difficult and courageous.
I can't really say much on this because I've never been married and I been alone all my life. all I can say is that I think after 30+ years you know your reasons for what your doing and have thought it out quite well. You also mentioned he has a temper so make sure you make all the precautions you can.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on June 27, 2015, 08:34:02 PM
I am sorry you are going through this by yourself.
I am assuming you are going to get a new gender therapist in the new city. That person should have a lot of knowledge about the local the local LGBTI community. It is important to branch out, meet new people and make friends. One way is to volunteer for LGBTI initiatives, parades and gatherings. Community is very important and you will need to reach out and get involved.
I know right now you are hurting and I am sending good thoughts your way. What you have done is very difficult and courageous.
Thanks Michelle,
Yes, I hope to get a new gender therapist. And getting involved is on my list of things I must do. Thanks for the encouragement. I know it will be too easy for me to get into an isolated rut if I'm not careful.
Quote from: stephaniec on June 27, 2015, 09:14:54 PM
I can't really say much on this because I've never been married and I been alone all my life. all I can say is that I think after 30+ years you know your reasons for what your doing and have thought it out quite well. You also mentioned he has a temper so make sure you make all the precautions you can.
Thanks Stephanie,
You would be amazed at how hard it is to hide your new address. In general, the post office sends confirmations to the old address to verify the new one. The clerk tried to help me figure out how not to do this, but I have little faith that they will follow through. Though, maybe it won't be an issue. I found out my temporary address and didn't do anything. (But then, he hasn't had to give up any money or toys yet )
Quote from: Mariah2014 on June 27, 2015, 06:41:47 PM
I'm glad to hear things are going better Chris. Congrats. Hugs
Mariah
Thanks Mariah! I really never thought things would be so good so fast. I'm actually enjoying my life now (Hadn't realized I'd fallen into not enjoying it until I was out of the spiral) Hugs always appreciated!!