I am nearly 51 years old and have always felt since about the age of 6 like I was a male in a female body. I'm not going to write a long story because we would be here all night if I did that so I will just write the highlights.
Everyone always said that I was a tom boy growing up because I would rather play with GI Joes than Barbie dolls. Growing up I was more interested in cars and playing baseball than cooking, dressing like a girl. I hated dresses, make up, basically anything to do with girly things. I hunted, fished, camped, etc. and to make matters worse I have always been attracted to women more than men.
A question I have for those of us. I have never seen or heard of this from anyone else probably because I haven't asked or really looked into it because I didn't want to find out I was even stranger than most of us. No disrespect intended there but you know what I mean.
I feel like I have a male appendage or could that be wishful thinking? I liken it to people who have phantom pain from an appendage that isn't there but I swear I feel it and look down to see nothing there. Or am I just odd?
Anyway, trying to make my family happy I did what females did and got married, trying to ignore that side of myself.
I married to make my daddy happy and give him a grandchild. I love my son but thank goodness I didn't have any more kids. I hated being married but thought it was due to being in an abusive marriage. I finally decided to leave after my son graduated high school and went into the Army. I had wanted to join the Army myself but because I didn't graduate high school I didn't get to. Anyway, I became a truck driver, something I had always wanted to do since I was a kid also. I absolutely loved it.
I dress in baggy mens clothes, I haven't worn a bra in over 25 years. I hate my breasts to the point I would love to get them cut off. If I was to ever win the lottery that is part of my plan. Would love to have short hair but it ticks the old goat, as I call him, because he's 14 years older than I am, off for me to have short hair. I don't wear nail polish, nothing girly.
I became friends with a man who wanted to marry me and I hesitated but went ahead and done it anyway. We've been married 3 years now and even though he's a great guy wayyy better than the first husband he's getting on my nerves because he wants me to dress girly, wear makeup, tight fitting clothes, etc. I told him that he knew this is the way I was when he met me, this is what he gets.
Plus our sex life isn't good. I have never really cared for sex at all. But I can get turned on just by looking at a woman but never had the nerve to actively look for 1.
After seeing Bruce Jenner's interview with Diane Sawyer last night I finally admitted to myself that this is not something I made up in my head, that this is real and I have to find a way to face it and finally be me for me and not be who every one else wants or thinks I should be.
Problem is I don't want to hurt the person i'm married to because he does love me and I do love him but more as a good friend than anything else.
So, am I an odd duck or are there others out there like me?
Hi and welcome to Susan's
Please check out the following links for general site info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
No you are not alone. You are now among a whole family who knows exactly how you feel.
Welcome and please join in, you are most welcome here.
Cindy
Hi :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to our family, as Cindy said your are not alone here, we all have similar experiences and from young ages, but we move through life hiding it for many reasons... we marry/have kids/do the sort of things to try and lose, conform or bury those feelings, but it comes back, time over again... until we can't bottle it in anymore.
You are certainly not odd... far from it, as we can all attest too :laugh:
Enjoy being amongst friends and kindred spirits and you can be your true self here..
L Katy :-*
You are definitely not alone. I had to get over a great amount of fear of hurting loved ones before I decided I had to transition.
You'll find many similar stories here. Welcome.
:)
The phantom thing is for real, there are others who feel the same way.
You could have a look here for a few thoughts that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187016.msg1665689.html#msg1665689
All in all I'd say it were completely different times then. Information was much harder to come by, and people were different, it was overall a completely different climate.
You might try to look forwads and see what options are available now.
If you say you live mainly together as friends you might consider that.
And its a process, I'd say take the time you need, but keep at it.
many *hugs*
Welcome to Susan's.