I am curious if others have had this experience?
I came out to myself as a gay man about 2 years ago (37 years old). I had buried it for my whole life. I thought that I had finally found the thing that was going to make me happy and healthy...but something was still weird.
About 6-10 months later, I started to understand that I felt like a woman, rather than a man.
This all makes sense now, but back then it was very unbelievable. It is almost as if one domino had to fall before the other...
Now, I have been presenting for 5 months and on HRT for 3.5 months...
One of the most challenging things about this is that I only fooled around with one man a handful of times. It was very exciting, scary, and like exploring a whole new planet. It put me at ease. He was kinda femme.
I tried kissing one other guy a couple months later, but I forced it and I wasn't attracted to this guy.
So I jumped into transitioning and now I haven't had to face up to my major deficit in being with men. I don't think it is a good idea to do now as I am beginning transition and just trying to get back on my feet in my life. But part of me still kinda feels in the closet, and it makes me sad.
I struggle to express my sexuality and I keep it pretty well hidden still...
I know experience is the best medicine, but I really can't imagine dating in this awkward state.
Has anyone else had a similar timeline where they discovered their sexuality and then their gender identity shortly thereafter? I feel like a unique case...
When I was very young I thought I was gay but back then we had only 3 TV channels on no internet so I didn't know anything about being trans until my teens, from accepting I was gay to realising I'm trans took about 6 yrs, if I had the internet it would have either been much quicker or I may have skipped the stage of thinking I was gay altogether
I can relate to much of what you've posted. I'm stuck firmly in the awkward phase, I'd love to start dating but im worried that someone attracted to me mid transition may not feel the same way post transition
It was backwards for me. I came out as trans until to come to the very strange realization that I'm a lesbian. I was very hesitant to use that word because I'm so used to being straight. It felt weird. I've since realized its the truth. I'm a lesbian.
I've said for at least half my life as a joke I'm a lesbian in a man's body. I guess it really wasn't a joke. It was my qualifying the truth so that I didn't have to deal with it.
If you count coming out as being kinky, then yes.
Even though I've always been attracted to women, I always felt more lesbian than straight since all my partners in the past, sex was always more lesbian oriented and hardly any PIV sex. Plus all my partners were either lesbian or bi. (Perhaps a real case of a lesbian trapped in a male body, LOL) So even though all my relationships prior to transitioning looked straight from the outside they were in reality queer. I did first come out as kinky and heavily into BDSM. Once I accepted than, I then started to identify as gender fluid, then a 2 years late gender queer and then finally transgender. Being raised Southern Baptist I had a lot of de-programming to do and now I'm happy to finally be my true kinky lesbian self.
Backwards here too. I really didn't know where I stood sexually coming in to an extent the therapist asked if I was asexual. I have since learned I'm not, but a lack of experience and avoidance resulted in my previously not exploring how I feel and left me wondering where I stood.
Mariah
I was always attracted to men however I've always considered myself as a hetrosexual girl/woman. Even with my first sexual experience with a boy at age 15 or so I though of myself as a girl & wanted so badly to physically be female. Not sure if this helps but my situation. Good luck figuring it all out GF's. It's not easy.
I was praying every night to wake up with a female body before I even knew what sex was, and later on when I had sex, it was weird and awkward with either gender.
Still is. I think postop that it will be different. :)
In part it was my sexual identity that sent me back into the trans closet. When I attempted transition in 1989 I knew, just knew, that I was attracted to women not men. Even being on on HRT for two years didn't change that, back then it never occurred to me that I could be trans and lesbian so I used the fact I was attracted to women as part of the reason not to transition. :-\
I don't know what I am anymore. I always thought I must be bi because of my experiences , but I've gone a long time without sex, so I don't know anymore. I do have phenomenal sex fantasies though.
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 28, 2015, 06:46:40 PM
In part it was my sexual identity that sent me back into the trans closet. When I attempted transition in 1989 I knew, just knew, that I was attracted to women not men. Even being on on HRT for two years didn't change that, back then it never occurred to me that I could be trans and lesbian so I used the fact I was attracted to women as part of the reason not to transition. :-\
I went through the same thing in my mind around the same time. I never even attempted to transition then because I didn't even think it was possible to be trans and lesbian.
i've dated and had intimate relationships with both guys and girls so for me, it wasnt a matter of my sexuality. before i knew whether i was gay or straight or bi or whatever sexuality there was under the giant rainbow, it all just started on one day, in one place on one bright sunny warm day in middle school
I actually thought that no one would take me seriously as a trans lesbian, gay or straight. I don't know how the lesbian community sees me (I don't really know any), but no one has given me any trouble over being both. Although most of the questions I get asked aren't about orientation. They are about being trans.
Quote from: Sydney_NYC on April 28, 2015, 09:27:06 PM
I went through the same thing in my mind around the same time. I never even attempted to transition then because I didn't even think it was possible to be trans and lesbian.
My earliest memory of my dysphoria comes from dreams starting during puberty where I would tell folks at a bar that I was a lesbian.... Not sure what that meant at the time, but it's beginning to make more sense now.
My first experience of 'coming out' was telling my wife I was gay, not ever having any homosexual relations before or after that... Just thoughts and dreams... I knew something was 'off' about me...
2.5 years later, I'm slowly figuring out the dreams during puberty were more prophetic in their nature... We shall see just how far this rabbit hole goes...
I came to terms with being asexual about two years ago. It was definitely part of the process. The first step had been admitting I hated myself and that I was an alcoholic. Acepting my lack of atraction and coming out with it finaly helped me put a whole bunch of issues in a box that I could look at and say, "that's sexuality". Having that helped me look at the remaining issues and realize they were all gender issues. The last five years or so have been this slow unfolding.
I decided I wouldn't go in to transition with any sexuality lables too firmly affixed, no preconceived notions. I do assume that I am asexual but I do have some thoughts and fantasies that lean toward me liking men. But my body is still too wrong for them to be possible. Plus, I am pretty happy not dating.
Nope, other way around for me :~)
Coming to terms with being trans, and doing something about it, has unleashed my long dormant sexuality!
I came out as a gay guy when I was 18 or 19, purely as a cover.. It took another 15 or 16 years for me to come out as trans. Then I came out as a lesbian - except I didn't really come out as one, I just realised I was one and acted upon it. There was no major announcement.
No one had any way to explain what I was going through twenty years ago other than to call it 'gay'. Even after I read about Caroline Cossey in the Sunday newspapers and tried explaining to my mother that this finally made me understand what I was, she explained it away as being part of gay and that was my kind of damp squib coming out.
I tired to wear that gay identity proudly, explaining everything about me that was feminine as part of it. But when my androgynous twenties made way for the body changes that happened in my thirties it all came crashing down around my ears.
I wasn't very good at being gay. I never let anyone touch downstairs and never 'pitched'. I was also accused by my gay friends of suffering from worsening internalised homophobia as the years went on as I got a job in defence and became increasingly masculine in presentation. What I realise now is that it was internalised misogyny that was expressing the repression of being trans. It all makes sense now I'm finally out, of course... And people finally understand thanks to the amazing level of representation in the media right now.
I struggled with it but I never thought of myself as gay. I was attracted to a few guys but tried hard to suppress those feelings.
Hello Sophie Lou
What you've experienced is not that surprising. Many of us have needed to suppress so many things in our pursuit of a "normal" life. We often do this subconsciously, or even in a highly determined conscious way so that we can try fit into a conventional existence. I totally understand what you've experienced since it's close enough to my own experience. I suppressed both the transgender part and the attracted to men part for over 20 years.
I think that a good number of us try the gay route first, as it's a more socially convenient option, a kind of "halfway house" if you will. Let's face it, if you can live as a gay man instead of transitioning, it's certainly less complicated. But in my case, after divorcing from a woman, and by the time I was with boyfriend number 3, I realised that I wanted to be with a man, but I wanted very clearly to be a woman.
So yes, as we relax our self-imposed restrictions, we can begin to explore who we really are and what we really want sexually.
As for beginning your transition with very little experience with men, it by no means precludes you from having an enjoyable physical relationship with a man. I was rather pleasantly surprised when the cute brother-in-law of a close girlfriend told me what his interests were, and yes, he likes girls with, ahem, special accessories. He's a perfectly normal guy, but that's what he likes. So we enjoy seeing each other. Buuut... something that I was not expecting is that, as I've evolved and come closer to my surgery date, I'm not so interested in having my old equipment being involved in any action. It's not a show-stopper however.
So don't limit yourself. Be careful, but explore. Some guys are just good for sex; others will be good for something more. Enjoy what it's like to be a girl in transition!
Hugs
Julia
When I started this journey of discovery, I looked at sexuality first and came to the conclusion that I was (and still am) a pan-romantic asexual. I then looked at how being in a relationship with either sex would make me feel. I realised that I could never have a relationship with another man as long as I was [physically] a man and also that I could never really see myself having a woman as a partner either as I would see myself being in a lesbian-like relationship. It was at that point that I started looking at gender. I've not yet spoken to anyone as I'm a little concerned that I will be seen as either not being female enough or that no one would take me seriously because of my manly history (playing with boy's toys and having crushes on women).
So for me, it was sexuality then gender.
Chris
Quote from: Julia-Madrid on April 29, 2015, 09:24:49 AM
Hello Sophie Lou
What you've experienced is not that surprising. Many of us have needed to suppress so many things in our pursuit of a "normal" life. We often do this subconsciously, or even in a highly determined conscious way so that we can try fit into a conventional existence. I totally understand what you've experienced since it's close enough to my own experience. I suppressed both the transgender part and the attracted to men part for over 20 years.
I think that a good number of us try the gay route first, as it's a more socially convenient option, a kind of "halfway house" if you will. Let's face it, if you can live as a gay man instead of transitioning, it's certainly less complicated. But in my case, after divorcing from a woman, and by the time I was with boyfriend number 3, I realised that I wanted to be with a man, but I wanted very clearly to be a woman.
So yes, as we relax our self-imposed restrictions, we can begin to explore who we really are and what we really want sexually.
As for beginning your transition with very little experience with men, it by no means precludes you from having an enjoyable physical relationship with a man. I was rather pleasantly surprised when the cute brother-in-law of a close girlfriend told me what his interests were, and yes, he likes girls with, ahem, special accessories. He's a perfectly normal guy, but that's what he likes. So we enjoy seeing each other. Buuut... something that I was not expecting is that, as I've evolved and come closer to my surgery date, I'm not so interested in having my old equipment being involved in any action. It's not a show-stopper however.
So don't limit yourself. Be careful, but explore. Some guys are just good for sex; others will be good for something more. Enjoy what it's like to be a girl in transition!
Hugs
Julia
Thanks, Julia. That is helpful. It's REALLY comforting to to hear a voice who understands and is ahead of me in experience. I am grateful for your response. I feel like I finally heard another voice in the wilderness.
It is so scary to me, and even admitting that is hard to say out loud to another person...but it feels great to bring it into the light of day. I tend to avoid the subject altogether, but there is a tremendous price to pay for not expressing sexuality. I don't want to hold back...and I have been holding back so much for so long.
Your measured approach is music to my ears. Thanks you dearly. (hugs)
I've always been open about being a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with liking who I like (although, I'm sure most people in my life think I'm straight ;))
Sophie Lou
You really are welcome. It's a brave new world out there, and you should enjoy it when you're ready!
Hugs
Julia
Quote from: Sophie Lou on April 29, 2015, 10:28:25 PM
Thanks, Julia. That is helpful. It's REALLY comforting to to hear a voice who understands and is ahead of me in experience. I am grateful for your response. I feel like I finally heard another voice in the wilderness.
It is so scary to me, and even admitting that is hard to say out loud to another person...but it feels great to bring it into the light of day. I tend to avoid the subject altogether, but there is a tremendous price to pay for not expressing sexuality. I don't want to hold back...and I have been holding back so much for so long.
Your measured approach is music to my ears. Thanks you dearly. (hugs)
I'm kinda the opposite. My gender identity has always been female and it has been with me forever but I dated and married women. However deep down I have always wanted to be all woman, and be with a man.
Now as I'm transitioning and that is so much stronger. I cannot imagine myself with a woman if/when my wife and I split and I'm more interested in how women dress and present themselves rather than as potential partners. Men on the other hand? I'm really longing for one to hold me and not let go.