Greetings time lords, I am le wild thing.
I come to you in a state of confusion.
Let me explain:
Over the last week, I've found myself questioning my gender. I'm 24 years( well...23 years and 343 days) old, and I am, biologically, a male. I'm usually late to these kinds of things, though. I realized I was bisexual at age 18. I'm kind of a late bloomer in that regard.
I know I'm still ME on the inside, I just don't know if my outter self reflects that properly.
I still like video games, heavy metal, wrestling, sports, and other stuff that a "guy" is "supposed to like," but the are certain things that don't feel right to me.
(Keep in mind I'm thinking this through at the same pace as I write this, so...this is pretty much brain puke)
For instance...
Him
He
His
Her
"I identify as a man/male."
"I identify as a woman/girl/female."
I lean towards identifying as a girl...because "girl" seems so right to me.
I looked in the mirror the other night while talking to my best friend. I looked in the mirror, and what do I see? Something ugly, Something to be ashamed of, someone I don't recognize anymore. "I don't want to look like this. I want to look beautiful. I want hair flowing down my back (I've been shaving my head for a while), I want to look pretty in my colorful underwear. I want a voluptuous body, with breasts and all." I don't want to be so big and hairy (6 foot, 280 lbs, weight is relatively well distributed). Just anything but this hideous face in front of me."
It hits me, "I'm ashamed of who I am. I'm ashamed of my body. For years, I've tried to look as manly/cool/macho as possible. Perhaps to make myself feel more like a man? I don't know. Maybe I just never thought about it." Then, as soon as I come close to accepting my new identity...
"My family...my co-workers...what if no one will accept me...I'll be just as ashamed...everyone will look at me like I'm just sort of freak...Maybe I am a freak..."
I don't look the least bit feminine, so if I change anything about me, they'll still look at me like I'm a freak. I feel so trapped now. I have 1,000,000 thoughts every millisecond. Things are just so overwhelming for me right now.
I'll be honest...the thought of me putting on apair of panties, and a bra, and being a woman arouses me. Not to long ago, I relieved myself of any sexual tension, and then I asked myself "Do I still want the body I pictured in my mind, even after sexual gratification?"
Yes. I'm leaning towards yes, I do.
Please...I'm scared...I don't know what to do. (Deep breaths)
Ps: my apologies for being such a mess right now. Again, things are...overwhelming to say the least.
No problem :) If you need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.Also,welcome to Susan's!
ditto that. welcome to the family. honestly, your like an older me. only by a few months though tahaha :laugh:
Welcome to Susan's WildThing :icon_cute:
A new component of this great family!
If you have any doubt we are here to advice you!
Hugs.
*hugs*
You may not look feminine now, but you can always change that. And you don't have to do it all at once, either. You can grow out your hair and lose weight. Neither of these things will make people see you as any sort of freak. Lots of male identifying people have long hair and aren't particularly macho. You can transition slowly if you feel that's the best route for you.
Go at whatever pace you feel comfortable with. Book an appointment with a therapist that has experience dealing with transgender issues if you can.
As for acceptance, that isn't always as scary as you perceive it to be. So far, everyone in my life has accepted me as my gender, even people who didn't seem to have a particularly favorable view of the LGBT community before I came out to them. Like I said, just go at your own pace and decide when the time is right to talk about this with them.
Hey Wild Thing
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
It's pretty clear there's a lot going through your mind right now - the good news is you don't have to deal with it all at once or by yourself. I'd strongly suggest talking these issues through with a therapist to try and get a sense of what your gender means to you and how you would like to express it. Possibly you might decide to transition but that isn't a decision you have to make right now and forevermore. As to whether you would be able to present yourself as a woman and live as one you should check out some of the before & after threads in the mtf section for some very inspirational journeys.
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Cheers
Grace
Welcome to Susan's wild thing (love the name, reminds me of a song in my teens)
Please look around the site, you are certainly not alone, many have been in exactly the same position, questioning your gender, your body, your life to date is common when you realise something is not right, I went through a stage during my early adulthood putting aside my Dysphoria and being super macho, but I hated it, despite being married, in my case it actually fuelled the return of my Dysphoria... looking back (didn't have support resources or internet way back then).
I would suggest that you see a professional (therapist/counsellor) to help you frame where you are and need to be... looking through our forums will help you understand the issues and journeys of us. But importantly please don't lose yourself in your self analysis, and certainly don't be afraid of finding yourself, once you know, you are in a position to make the right decisions and control your life.
We are all here to help and support you.
L Katy :-*
Hi Wild Thing, Welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs
Mariah
<circling warily as Wild Things always do when meeting one of their kind>
Welcome to Susan's Place, Wild Thing! We're going to get along great! See you around the forums!
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi WildThing :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Take a deep breath. There is nothing strange about coming to the realization that you are not the gender your body says you are. I was 26 when I finally understood what it was that really bothered me and then only because someone told me that people going through gender changes was a real thing, not just a joke or insult.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. No more than if you had been born with any other anomaly. As for still liking traditional male activities, there are plenty of females who like the same things. Its not our likes or dislikes of things outside ourselves that determine our gender. It is how you feel inside.
Finding a therapist who deals with transgenders is probably a good idea in your steps towards understanding who you really are. Its a bit harder, at least in my opinion, to go from a male body to a female one. While transmen can get away with wearing jeans, T shirts and other men's clothing prior to coming out or doing anything to change their bodies, transwomen can't get away with wearing a dress and makeup before coming out or changing their shells. Still, you can wear women's undergarments and get some relief. No one else knows they are on you, but you do.
Read other's posts about how they felt before and after as well as how they got there. You won't feel so alone.
sam1234