My name is Ashley, and I identify as a woman of transgender experience. While I am just joining Susan's today, I've actually been on the site a few times already because the information concerning HRT has been really helpful (I'm a little over 2 weeks in now), and I am just looking forward to connecting with people of this beautiful community, and hoping to get some advice as I go through my journey. Of course, the journey never really ends, does it?
Below is essentially a summary of where I was 3 or so months ago that I posted to my Tumblr, to give you a little more background on me! It's strange looking back on this now, having started hormones and all...I suppose I have come quite some way.
"Okay, so, I actually detailed some of my initial feelings in my open letter to Taylor Swift, where I talked about wanting to wear nail polish, and buying it and being too afraid to... but of course, it was SO much more than that. Though, as my letter states, Taylor Swift was a huge help in all of this. (I really love Tay Swift, if you couldn't already tell.) Okay, okay, story time:
I remember watching a movie when I was 13 or 14...I don't even remember the actual movie. It was one of those really sappy Lifetime romance movies where the guy and girl eventually fall in love and get married, but...anyway, the point - I remember watching the movie and at various times looking at the girl and like, wanting to be her? I can't explain it any other way. Like, she had really beautiful hair and a gorgeous face and really soft skin and amazing lips and her makeup was so well done and I just...I just wanted to be her.
So flash forward a few years. In between those years, I had similar moments where I would see girls and simultaneously be so attracted to them and also want to be them. And I slowly came to really not like my body. I naturally grew really lean and angular and muscular and I remember a lot of days where I would just be so upset with myself.
Now, the problem with these thoughts was that I never really confronted them, and...I think because I never really could... My family is actually the definition of all things heteronormative and transphobic, so...exploring gender was never, ever an option for me. I quickly learned to suppress any feminine-inclined thoughts and tried my best to accept that I had to "man up", "be a man", and fully embrace masculinity.
So this suppression continued up all the way through high school and into my first two years of college, until I went on an Alternative Spring Break trip to New York City, in order to help LGBTQA+ homeless youth. There was one point in the trip where we were wandering around in the city at a Forever 21, and one of our chaperones casually asked me if I wanted to buy some nail polish, adding that she thought a sky blue color would look great on me.
And when I got back to our hotel that night, something snapped in me, and not in a good way. I had a breakdown on the floor, sobbing into my sweater, because I realized just how badly I wanted to wear that nail polish.
And then I realized just how much I still hated my body.
And then I realized how much I didn't want to "man up", or "be a man."
And then I realized just how much I wanted to just...not be me.
Because I wasn't a pretty girl.
And that revelation - or should I say, admittance? shocked the hell outta me. So much so that it took me another two years to actually look up trans resources on the internet, to come face to face with everything completely.
But it was actually amazing, this past December, one month ago, when I finally looked up trans* resources. When I finally typed in "I think I'm a girl" to Google, and read dozens of MtF stories.
I cried. So much. But this time, they were happy tears. Because I realized that I wasn't crazy. That I wasn't insane. That there wasn't something wrong with me for wanting to wear nail polish, for sighing every time I passed the women's section of clothing in a store, for the way I would wistfully stare at dresses and long swishy skirts for want of wearing them, for looking at girls and just wanting to look as pretty as they did, for wanting to be them.
And just about one month ago, I looked in the mirror and I said, "I'm a girl", every morning before I went through my morning routine. And that helped me a lot. Also realizing that all I had to do to be a girl was just realize that I'm a girl - well, that helped SO much, too.
Because, yeah, I'm a girl.
I know I jumped around a lot, and rambled, but I still hope this answered your question. To sum it up, I guess...there wasn't really a certain definitive point where I realized "OH. YES. I AM TRANS AND I AM A GIRL AND I WOULD LIKE TO GET HORMONES AND SPEECH THERAPY." but there were many gradual, building points where I tried on nail polish and was like, "oh, yeah, I like this!" and where I tried on a swishy skirt and was like, "oh, yeah I like this." There were points where I tried out they/them pronouns and realized I liked them. Points where I tried out she/her/hers pronouns and realized I liked them even more(!!!) There were points where I grew my nails out and realized that made me feel cuter. There were points where I spoke with a higher inflection in my voice and felt more comfortable. And, there were points where I said, "I'm a girl" to my reflection and smiled through tears.
And, finally, there were points where I finally told my incredibly supportive, beautiful friends that I'm trans and a girl and that I wanted to use the name Ashley because it felt better.
And there were like, big points where I told my psychiatrist about most of this and she gave me like, the biggest smile and told me how HAPPY she was that I figured out something so important about myself and referred me to my next steps.
So, where am I now?
Actually, really, genuinely happy to be moving towards my next steps of telling my therapist about all of this, and speaking to a gender therapist all about hormones and other transitioning things, actually, really, genuinely happy to have such amazing support all around - to be recognized by the people most important to me in my life as a girl.
Because that's who, and what, I am. And...with a lot of time...and a lot of help and support, I'm working so hard on accepting that. So far, I think I'm making phenomenal progress.
Also, come on - Ashley?
My name is so damn cute."
Hi Ashley, Welcome to Susan's. I look forward to see you around the site as you progress in journey. Congrats on Starting HRT. Good luck and hugs
Mariah
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Welcome Ashley to Susan's...
Great to have you with us... Glad you've been looking around already 8)
Look forward to seeing you around the forums
L Katy :-*
Hello, Ashley, welcome! Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. As a FTM I can relate so much to the feelings you shared. I have always felt much the same when seeing certain men. I had a similar breakdown, a sobbing me in a mess on the floor. It had to do with walking past the men's section in a clothing store. I came home and melted down. I had already known since forever what I am, but it was this feeling of an invisible wall between me and where I wanted to be. Don't know if that makes sense. Anyway *hug* glad you're here.
Oh my goodness, it so does!! For so long I felt like there really was some kind of actual barrier...and my biggest barrier was actually myself. I guess because I didn't want to admit. So that's where a lot of my suppression came from. I even remember periods of time where I would build immense amounts of muscle and down protein shakes (which is so funny because now I'm doing the exact opposite), in hopes that it would shake me out of all of the feminine desires and feelings I was experiencing. As sorry as I am to know that you've had a rough go of things, I really hope that you're more on the path that you want to be on now! *hugs back*
Hi Ashley, welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your journey. :)
Hi Ashley! We look forward to hearing more from you.
Wow, that IS a cute name...
Hi Ashley, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm near Boston. Grab a comfy chair and get busy posting! ;D
Hugs, Devlyn
Hi Ashley :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M