I've been going out in public on and off for 20 years, but it's not until recently being full time that I'm starting to get a handle on the fear. Everyday now I still have to talk myself into getting out the door , but it's definitely getting easier. One thing that helping me is the fact that I'm on the tract to get GRS and it's easier to convince my self to get out the door knowing once my body totally matches my identity there should be no fear what so ever of totally being who I am.
I'm still kind of afraid but I do it anyway and once I realize nobody's staring at me or laughing at me I just don't worry anymore. It gets easier every time.
In fact in guy clothes I get stared at a lot more. Like a loooooooot more now. En femme? Not even a second look, except in places like construction sites where I've even gotten cat called a few times.
Btw it took me about 2 months dressing at home before I first went out and what basically forced me to was my therapist appt, I did not want to go presenting male.
I have not yet =(
I can't really comment on the first time I attempted transition, it was so long ago now that I can't remember my frame of mind when going out. I think I was most afraid of being stopped by the cops while driving since my licence and rego were in my male name. Other than that I think I was OK.
Despite the twenty plus years gap I was able to retain that mostly-confident mind set when starting out again. My very first trip out the front door was a quick trip in the dark to take out the trash which remarkably prepped me more than I expected. The very next day I went to see my counsellor at the Gender Center - walked to the train station via the large mall near where I live, caught a train, walked to the center, then afterwards caught the train into the city and walked to work! Got changed at work. It was an absolute buzz.
I had a few more trips out to various things over the next couple of weeks, each one a bit more demanding than the other. The most testing was going to an art show being put on by a friend, it was in a very crowded place and I was so freaked I almost didn't go in... pushed through my fear and had a fantastic evening which included dinner afterwards with a number of other women at the show. It was shortly after that moment that I decided I was probably more ready than I realised.
So yeah, I wouldn't say I wasn't afraid in those earlier moments, but not letting the fear own me, making sure I was safe and making sure I had a reasonable escape strategy if needs be really helped me through.
the last couple of times i went out, it was like any normal walk for me. because i had my hood on and my voice is in the middle but i can make it higher or lower, i just get ma'am until i pull my hood off and they're like i'm sry, which i can't help but giggle at
Not too long. The first time was the hardest.
Since then it's kept getting easier. Nowadays I don't even think about it.
Not long this time around at all which is why it took about a month to reach full time from when I started to change things up and gradually phase out the guys clothing.
Mariah
I guess for some reason it's taken me awhile, I remember the first time going out in daylight whooooooooooa.
Technically I can still go out the door in male mode and not male fail. I'm now actually more terrified of doing that than I ever was when I was starting out in girl mode.
I try not to go out in male mode ,but if I do its still pretty much getting sired , but lately I have gotten a few Ma'am's and some ponderous looks.
For the first couple of months of going full time I would sometimes get anxiety attacks so bad I started to think I had something wrong with my heart. My very good GP at the time went so far as to book me in for cardiac testing to prove to me that there was nothing wrong with my heart and somehow after doing that my problems with anxiety just faded away and I was ok.
Haha, it freaks people out the most now when I go out in male mode. I come across as some kind of mysterious third gender ...
In the beginning it was terrifying...
https://youtu.be/-22tna7KHzI
I am still dealing with a lot of shame and guilt hence it's making it harder on some days to head out and be who I am in the world. However, once I am out I'm ok. I've never been misgendered for quite sometime now and rarely getting attention except for a few men who checks me out.
It gets better - we just have to claim our womanhood xoxo
April
The only time I had ever been out as myself was to BAGLY prom a decade ago. Which really didn't count, plus the boots I was wearing would give any woman the confidence to fight a tiger :-P
I hope to have to deal with this type of fear soon.
I think it took me at least year.. This is from I started exploring my crossdressing i.e. dressing up fully at home.. if I needed to go out.. back to guy mode and then when I got home back to girl mode.. If you count the first time i tried on woman's clothes.. well then its at least 6 years.
Then one day.. I was late in the evening.. i dunno i was brave.. i decided screw it.. i went out as a female.. I wore a long dress with a wig and a pair on ankle boots (3 inch heel). Ok... it was just to get milk.. i wanted to make coffee.. I was scared that I would be outed, but also excited at the same time..
going out during the day was just scary the first time.. funny my second outing was worse than the first. No one outed me and my conference grew from there. Which helped my therapist wanted me to come dressed as noleen to our sessions.. this also helped me grow confidence. In the beginning it was very scary.. but then you cross a line and then its just normal and you realize who cares.
I've been doing baby steps over the last 7 months, but I'm still not over the fear. It takes a lot of internal dialogue with myself every time i have to leave the house.
My face is very much male and I don't pass. So I don't really try and over-compensate by trying to look/dress super feminine, because i feel i would just stand out even more.
So i mostly look like a skinny feminine dressed guy. (its painful for me but true). I get a lot of stares because of this, which really stinks. I find that wearing big chunky sunglasses during the day helps me with not feeling so self-conscious. Cause people can barely see my face.
"How long did it take you to get over the fear of going out in public?"
I just did it. I had reached the point where I did not care about the opinions of strangers. I just socially transitioned and about a year later began HRT.
Why do you care what strangers think? You do not know these people. Their opinions are irrelevant. Be yourself.
In a way it took me the 20 years or so that I have strugled with this since first identifying as trans as a teen. Back then is when I started wearing women's pants and shirts mixed in with my man clothing. I never stopped that. Once I reached full self acceptance It took me only a few days to go out fully dressed. I got past the terror by reminding myself that I felt better this way so there was no other choice. I had learned that when I first wore appropriate pants and underthings to school as a teen. That as scary as this was, it is way better if you just go with it. I wish I had taken that lesson to heart then but that's life. I still have to pep talk myself but it is getting easier. Sometimes I will change out of the clothes I want to wear. But I am learning how to put them back on, to wear what I want. I have been rocking a fairly androgynous look since starting full time and I am now mixing in more and more feminine items.
It took me about a year to get over the jitters. I began by going out dressed one night with friends to support me to a bar, absolutely terrified but grimly determined to press on - and everything turned out fine. Then from there I started going to therapy appointments and started going out on the weekends, always pushing my comfort zone just a little further each time, and getting more "seat time".
After awhile and nothing bad had happened I learned to relax. Today I am full time and it's not a big deal any longer - I just get dressed and go. The only issue I have these days is never having the right shoes to go with my outfit :laugh:
I basically been dealing with this for a long time , but it still freaks me out getting out the door. Its getting a lot better , I sure am squeamish .
I have really only gone out to public places twice. The first time I went to a bar with a friend I met at a PFLAG group. I was scared at first, but I just pushed myself through. I almost fainted when I had to show my ID to get in, but the bouncer didn't say anything. The night ended up being pretty fun and once I realized people weren't staring or laughing it definitely raised my confidence. The second time was a month ago at a new support group after moving, and I really didn't have much fear at all it just felt normal. I've been getting so much electrolysis lately that my face is pretty beat up and I am very self conscious about it, but I am finding it very difficult to not just say f*** it and dress how i want. I am going to a birthday this weekend at a local lgbt bar, and I have the perfect outfit ready to go. I can't wait!!!
Setting foot outside can take anything from 10 minutes to several hours depending on the urgency, if its not an appointment then the average procrastinating time is 2 hrs.
I've been out for more than 3 yrs and on hrt for 18 months
I have never been out in public dressed. I am very new to this. That said, I totally accept what is going on. I didn't choose it - it chose me. I'm delighted and on the back of that I simply can't wait to go out dressed. Like someone said earlier - I am sort of not bothered what people think. A little concerned about being on a crowded train though! I have a dressing / make up lesson with a dressing agency on Thursday where I also get to pick my wig. I'm really excited. I will check back afterwards and let you all know how things went.
LCx
I started going out in public in August 2014. I'm not entirely certain when I got over it, but I was afraid to go certain places until around December or January. I've realized that Huntsville is a great place and mostly not concerned these days. The last time I was afraid was when I used the bathroom at Wendy's on my way to my Endo almost 3 months ago. That was the first time of using a public bathroom when there was no advanced notice. Even locally I only use the bathrooms at home or at work. The reason that bothered me is because it was in Georgia a couple hours from Atlanta. I know Atlanta is also supposed to be decent, but I have no idea what to expect outside friendly zones. Fortunately there were no issues.
the bathroom issue can be quite scary
Quote from: kittenpower on May 02, 2015, 09:49:34 PM
In the beginning it was terrifying...
https://youtu.be/-22tna7KHzI
Tsar bomba!
I find the bathroom a safe haven! It's a great way to case a joint as well. If I'm unsure of a bar, restaurant, etc (or who may be in it!) I'll often head straight to the bathroom taking mental notes along the way. On the way back I know exactly where I want to sit perhaps where I might avoid or even whether I want to be there at all!
one thing I'm realizing from transitioning where everyone has known me as male , I don't have to worry about my voice.
After I finished coming out to myself in January, I pretty much went out in public however I wanted after that. I didn't really have a lot of feminine clothes to wear, but once I got a wardrobe, I just wore what I wanted. I'm already kind of used to people staring/giving me weird looks (I have a disability and walk with a limp), so for me it was just kind of like, "why not? it's just one more thing." Now I still get misgendered and people call me sir, because my face still looks really masculine... but for me it's about feeling good. That's the most important thing to me. So I think my desire to feel better trumped any fear of people seeing me and judging me.
Mine was gradual, I was not really concerned what others thought, only my own comfortability. First only nail polish>women's jeans>heels>stayed at this point for awhile. Makeup/eyeliner/lipstick/mascara at about 3 or 4 months, for this I was getting fairly comfortable. With each step I did not exclude any of the places I went. By 8 months I arrived at that last place I considered to be entering "full time" which was wearing my maxi skirts. Just recently I have found how very nice it is wearing pencil skirts with black tights and running shoes, fun, fun, fun. As far as my voice goes, I just don't care, if anyone reacts like they are offended when I speak, for me its kinda like poking bugs with a stick. Their displeasure is my fun and when they see me smile, it pops their balloon. Dani
Didn't take long, I would say a week or two after coming out Mum wanted to go shopping with me for some more clothes, I was more than ready by then
I've been full time since September 2014, and was "almost" full time for a year prior to that (everywhere but at work and since I work from home 9 days out of 10, that was about 99% full time).
Going out as myself stopped bothering me within a few months, but there's always a little voice in the back of the head urging me to be careful, be observant, don't draw attention, etc. I'm not sure those minor doubts will ever go away, even though I've had no problems being out as myself so far.
I didn't start going out dressed until just last year aside from some exceptions here or there. Now I'm fairly comfortable going out pretty much anywhere wearing whatever except [/i ]where I actually live mostly because my I'm not out to our neighbors or our religious landlord --who have seen me wear some pretty funky looks and makeup but never "the full femme." I think once we secure ourselves financially and move somewhere more open and less steeped in the past, I'll get more comfortable dressing how I feel.
I think my biggest fear is that my wigs fall off or something like that, maybe that's the reason why I'm waiting for my natural hair to grow!
18 months into full time and I still get nervous. Nowhere near as bad as I was, but I still have my confidence issues. That varies depending on how I feel from one day to the next.
I dont think it will ever leave me. I wish it would and perhaps when I'm old and wrinkly I'll be so invisible to everyone that it just won't matter.
I think once I address my voice issues I will be a ton more confident to go out as me in more places.
I have only been out once fully dressed. I went to a bar and stopped by the gas station on the way. It was a hour and a half from where I live. I need to get more comfortable at it.
At first I was afraid. I was petrified...
Pre-HRT I never went out in full girl mode. I was still trying to coordinate my look and I was certainly not ready for prime time. I wouldn't even go out the front door or open a window, and I would literally hide if someone came to the door. I think I took the trash out at night once or twice completely dressed, but that was it. I suppose I already did have a habit of going out androgynously once in awhile. I did rock some "guyliner", shirts that looked more like blouses and unisex jeans.
I think HRT helped with anxiety better than Valium and Klonopin ever did. A couple of weeks in, my wife came home with a carload of groceries and shopping bags while I was wearing a studded mini-skirt and asked me to help unload. My neighbors (of course) were right there to watch. Nothing bad happened. I even opened the front drapes and went out on the front porch. The next weekend my wife got me in the car and we drove to West Hollywood. Nothing bad happened. Nobody even batted an eye. (Of course in WeHo, if everyone batted an eye every time they saw something out of the ordinary, all anyone would do would be batting eyes all day.)
My therapist then pretty much double-dog dared me to show up in a dress the next time, so I did. Nothing bad happened, nobody seemed to care.
The next weekend, my wife and I went out of town, so I did so in girl mode. We went to a rooftop bar and I was nervous as all hell. It showed. I was pointed at, stared at and laughed at. All this did was strengthen my resolve, and I just worked harder on my voice and demeanor. Again, nothing really bad happened. I'm just glad I made an ass of myself in San Diego rather than Los Angeles.
When I thought I was ready to get back on the saddle, I decided to go to a restaurant that I've been to a lot- El Compadre, across Sunset Blvd. from Guitar Center where all the rock stars go. I did overhear one guy ask his dining companions, "Is that a guy or a girl over there?", to which his friend asked "Which one?"
My first "pass"!
I stumbled into going full time a week later.
that's comforting to here confusion from strangers. that happened to me once walking my dog and I past these two guys and one said I couldn't tell if that was a guy or girl.
ummm, a few months. but I still have my moments, like if im sick I don't like going out in public cause my voice cracks real bad if im sick. on those days I just pretend ive lost my voice and refuse to speak.
I usually try to limit my words as much as possible and speak softly, but I'm finding out I can get away with it because everyone in the area I live knows my past.
Quote from: stephaniec on May 04, 2015, 02:11:45 PM
I usually try to limit my words as much as possible and speak softly, but I'm finding out I can get away with it because everyone in the area I live knows my past.
I moved went I planned on going full time so no one knew me.
It's pretty weird when most people know your past, they seem to be trying to help me move forward.
I don't have a fear of going out now, but it's not really all that easy to do with my current situation. Although my parents are fine, I don't like dressing up in front of them. However, I'll get my own place soon and I'll be out as Kimberley more often. I can't wait.
Until I get my voice better I'm still afraid.
For about a year I went to a local pub/hotel for a meal on a saturday night, still very much in CD mode. The staff got to know me, and the bouncers made sure I wasn't hassled, and even walked me home on occasions if I was nervous.
After about a year I had started HRT and just went for it.
Funny thing is, I never go back to that pub! Yet everyone was so nice and sweet both staff and customers.
It took me a while. I just don't care anymore what anyone else thinks.
I've gone out with girl jeans, a tank top, with a guy button up shirt in my town, and I've only gotten looks from gay men. I even wore sandals with toenails painted in in the transgender flag pattern. My town is really conservative, and I am far from passing, I don't even think the thought that I'm trans crossed anyone's mind. In Fort Wayne and Indy I go out en femme. I was a little nervous the first couple times, but I feel terrible in man drag and feel a lot better going en femme. My only worry is about parents finding out before I come out to them.
My first time in public, I was staying in a hotel in another city. It was difficult to leave my room, and it took courage to get on the elevator. But I was absolutely terrified to get off the elevator into a crowded lobby. Within 10 minutes I realized that no one was paying attention to me...mostly just looking at their phones or the people they were walking with. That's when the euphoria kicked in.
Almost a year later I still have 30 seconds of self consciousness whenever I get out of the car, but I forget all about what I'm wearing once I start doing whatever it is I'm there to do. Though, I will admit that I'm more aware of myself at all times because I'm still focusing on my mannerisms, voice, the way I sit, etc.
that's the same way as me
Hello,
My first time out in public was last week just shy of 2months on HRT. I must say I was TERRIFIED of society. Turns out it was a wonderful experience. Not what I expected my first time out as my true self. I went to a grocery store, bought some stuff there and no one gave me a second look. Just the common look of acknowledging that someone else is present, like a little glance and then back to the way they were. The I went to a pizza shop and that's where the fun happened. On my way out these guys drove by in a truck and made eye contact. My internal response was "Oh ->-bleeped-<-, they wanna kick my ass" lol far from it. They parked, walked to the pizza shop and waited for me to drive by. Upon doing so one of the guys stares me down and gives me the biggest smile :D YAyyyy society was kind to me. That has been the usual experience that I have had since. Girls check out my outfit and guys check me out and try to get my attention(Lucky for me HRT is really workin wonders). Needless to say I no longer go out in guy mode :D
-Iliana
I had a first look at myself dressed and made up as a woman on Thursday. I think I'll be nervous - but I can't wait to get out there. My wife was asking me if I'll change my voice - and I think I'll have a go at that as it's pretty deep. I'll write back when I finally do though and let you know exactly how it went.
Kisses
C
You look really pretty, Cassie :)
The time was right when I felt confused about which restroom to use. Also especially when I started to build up my new wardrobe at stores that specialize in mostly women's clothes, and other women paid no attention to me like I thought they used to. Now cis females speak to me in the same manner as if they are addressing another cis women.
honestly.. i had tried little things like small subtle looks for the first time going out.. I have been on HRT for about 3months and fulltime for a month now.
Quote from: kittenpower on May 09, 2015, 04:00:05 AM
You look really pretty, Cassie :)
That is so sweet of you to say. I was absolutely terrified truth be known. I mean you turn up and 10 minutes later you're in pants, tights and heels in a room with 2 women you've never met before! I always thought I'd be blonde - but I love that wig......and bought it!!
Personally, I don't think I can get rid of my fear. However, I have learned how to manage it. My fear has been centred on getting clocked or being read anything other than female.
However, the evidence shows otherwise. No one gives me any curious glances. However, I'm still not comfortable getting looks from people coz my mind automatically goes to "Ive been clocked"
xoxo
April
you look fine from this point of view.
I really struggled with the idea of going out for ages, well over a year after I realised that I need to be female.
I finally plucked up the courage to go out yesterday afternoon / evening having spent all morning trying to talk myself out of it.
The train journey into London was absolutely terrifying, but once I had my makeup done and started to realise that nobody seemed to be taking any notice of me, I really began to relax and just enjoy being out as me finally.
Somehow I don't think I'll be leaving it quite so long again before the next time.
it's a great feeling to be able to relax
thank you miss beautiful
Quote from: stephaniec on May 09, 2015, 08:32:49 PM
you look fine from this point of view.
Quote from: painesy on May 09, 2015, 08:44:41 PM
I really struggled with the idea of going out for ages, well over a year after I realised that I need to be female.
I finally plucked up the courage to go out yesterday afternoon / evening having spent all morning trying to talk myself out of it.
The train journey into London was absolutely terrifying, but once I had my makeup done and started to realise that nobody seemed to be taking any notice of me, I really began to relax and just enjoy being out as me finally.
Somehow I don't think I'll be leaving it quite so long again before the next time.
I really admire your courage. The London train is a similar area of concern. You did it first. Go Girl! Kisses. Cx