Out of curiousity, how many here have experienced a strong obligation to fulfill their male persona despite having felt otherwise? And for how long? I've spent a good many years trying to fight these feelings of femininity, but they've been fighting back. I think I'm going mental.
I think we all at some point forced ourselvess to maintain as male due to fear and pressure of family, society etc but then there's come a point you just are like a volcano which explodes without looking back and forth.
My case I jumped into the waters brutally as I couldn't bare it anymore. Lost all, my decent high paying job, family, fell into prostitution. But today after many years I'm very happy and don't regret a single thing.
Had to go to an all boys high school - so had to learn to be as non feminine as possible in order to avoid getting beaten up.
Im closer to suicide every day now, I wont do it, but I want too. Its like sensing that death may be better but youre to afraid to leave the place you know behind. I got nothing to live for... yesterday I came across a girl living my life (we went to the same training school but I "failed" out.... and to be honest I feel we have the same jobs.... and Im just not doing it.... but reality is; we dont have anything in common now... I want my job more than a lot of them.... I never deserve it...).
So I hate my job, my body, and everything.... my family dont love me unconditionally.... but they say if I die... theyll die too... but really I want to die, and I dont want to feel guilty.
So I keep pushing.... death will come eventually.
Yes, definately had the obligation, need to and "care for" for most of my life, I managed the Flow and ebbing tides all my life, each wave getting stronger, i have not the energy left to really handle that anymore, and also age does not stop.
Today, preliminary parts of my planning are now complete, just a couple of things left before I spill the beans... So to speak.
Suppression only works for so long. When I came out, married with two children, people said to me, 'How could you!' But the simple truth was I had no other choice, I'd held on for as long as I could and I couldn't do it anymore.
my entire teenage years.. i suppose.. I started to wear pantyhose from the age of 14, i loved how it felt against my skin.. little did i know back then that it feel better against freshly shaven legs... but anyway. I did wear a cheerleader skirt at 16 and a panty at 17 and l loved wearing them.. I never revealed anything.. as my father wanted his son to be a mans man.. but it never took.
My teenage years.. i loved womans clothing.. the different styles.. i did imagine what it would be like to wear them too. I also had no idea what a transsexual was or what i was suppressing.. then one night when i was 19, with help of a good female friend I dressed up fully as woman and it was amazing.. wow all the suppression realized, from then I embraced my female side..
It's sort of like holding your breath.
We can only do it for so long.
My endo commented last week that by body was responding amazingly well to a low dose of E almost as if it was meant to all along after years of suppression. It is so much better than words can describe.
J
I've always had the feelings but when I was young people didn't really have an option to transition and it was virtually unheard of... so I just ignored it and moved on. Like many here I was physically and verbally picked on when I was in school but I just sort of ignored it and when I hit my teens I was so attracted to girls it was all I could think about so again I ignored the feelings and moved on. I hated seeing myself in the mirror and pictures as that guy staring back it wasn't me and it wasn't how I felt I should look so I just quit looking unless I really had to. Then I went in the military and spent 20 years keeping myself in shape so I didn't get in trouble but I still ignored how I felt and moved on. After I retired I stopped working out and started letting myself go I just didn't like myself to the point I didn't care... I got diabetes, asthma, apnea and gird so my doctor told me if I didn't stop gaining weight and start taking care of myself I would die before I could see my son graduate from high school but I still didn't care I don't like me. a couple months ago I took my wife's old kindle and decided to buy some books to read on it and the first day I went looking I found a gender transformation book and read it in one sitting then I started looking and bought more and really enjoyed a lot of then and I was thinking something was wrong with me for liking to read them so much and sat down and thought about it really hard and realized that I had always wanted to be a girl... it was a major epiphany for me... I just didn't realize how deep a feeling it was and how much I had always wanted it... it was weird when I realized that every time I saw a picture of a women I wanted to be her and it didn't matter what they were doing in the back of my mind I would think "wow I wish I was her that would be so great". So I started researching it and decided to start moving in this direction so I could be happy with myself at some point.
I crippled my soul for way too long until suicide started banging down the door.
Quote from: stephaniec on May 03, 2015, 11:03:43 AM
I crippled my soul for way too long until suicide started banging down the door.
What Stephanie said.
I suppressed my feelings too and did my best to play as macho a role as I could manage. With every breath double checking what I was saying and doing to make sure it was masculine. I was forever hiding my femininity and yearning to let it free. It led me to self harm, self disregard, addiction and suicidal ideation. I hated myself and couldn't look at me. My hygene was a mess and I managed each day like a zombie. I would fall down at the end of each day exhausted from playing a man all day. Even as I escaped the chains of addiction and came to terms with my sexuality as my self worth and confidence grew, I continued to be tortured daily by the suppression. My little outlets were not enough anymore.
The desire to finally get to be me became too strong to fight anymore. It was unbearable...
I suppressed them by keeping busy for many years and tried to put on an act in school when I was a teenager, but long time friends never bought. I'm glad they didn't.
Mariah
I'm the weird one as my dysphoria wasn't to the point that I had to pick between suicide and transitioning but since I kept suppressing it, i began to spiral out of control, prone to nuclear tempers, excessive lose of energy and depression every time I woke up the next morning. the moment I confirmed I was trans was my first time taking estrogen. it felt great but sadly I couldn't get my hands on anymore and I was a ward of the state so I had to hide it away until last year when I said enough was enough.
At least 16 years. Probably longer. Its hard to say. It was definitely in my teens though. So 16-20 years.
Jenny07, "My endo commented last week that by body was responding amazingly well to a low dose of E almost as if it was meant to all along after years of suppression. It is so much better than words can describe."
I just had a follow up visit with my endo. I've been on low-does e since October. The good doctor told me much the same thing. My puberty is coming along splendidly. I absolutely love how my body is responding and am thrilled to see/feel the changes. I am becoming more comfortable in my skin with each passing day and that is a huge weight being lifted from my soul.
I'm still very much in stealth mode and hiding in plain sight - however, the truth will surely come out in the coming months, as there is no going back for me.
Ciao for now,
Jaidi.
For a long time now... Two marriages, 3 kids, law enforcement. I just couldn't anymore. I knew since I knew myself, but I just played along and resigned myself to fitting the male role.
I self harmed and attempted suicide because of suppression