I believe that we make way too much of this notion that the perfect model of womanhood is to utterly blend in. Nobody is perfectly average, and everybody is unique. I don't think trying to run from our uniqueness - or even to regard it as a liability - is really what this is all about. From the very beginning, I have made authenticity to what I feel inside as the primary objective of my journey, and if that conflicts with blending in, it will be will the later that will be sacrificed.
For example, I am 6'3 1/2". My height is one thing that will never change, but I am not ashamed of it in the least. Of course, I could do a thing or two in my fashion choices that would down play it. Such as not wearing heels, or wearing longer and fuller dresses. But that would only have the effect of trying to temporarily camouflage a little what would be perfectly obvious when somebody focuses on me. So rather, I have decided to go the other way, and say in a very open way "this is who I am" and just own that as much as I can. I have pretty much followed that with everything that I have done in my transition.
Hi April Lee,
It sounds to me as though you have a very honorable, healthy approach to living life. Honoring who we are as individuals and working with what we have to work with is really the best any of us can expect of ourselves.
You go girl!
Miharu
it's your life
I kinda of tried the same approach of simply doing things which I like, holding myself the way feels right and wearing what looks good on me AND feels comfortable. Ironically, it all ended up with me blending in, without even trying to...
I'm not trying to blend either. Deciding to transition was all about wanting to be fully truthfull with the world so I will not put on an act for anyone. I do what feels good and necessary to me. I always remind myself too that this transition is for me, not anyone else. If I end up blending that's fine, but it is not my goal. I want to be as fully realized a version of myself as it is humanly possible to be.
Hi April,
not so sure about this blending thing for me, I started way to late in life and have o so many tells,
I am very proud of who I have been becoming comparing me to my other self a few years ago this is an extreme improvement.
I was having coffee with the paster and his GF today, as I was talking about asking some people to come next sunday to worship he had stated that he would love to open the doors for all and they would be very welcome. She was looking kind of puzzled she asked why I would ask for permission so I explained, we have known each other for about a year, and she did not know I was transsexual until today, we had a great laugh. so even though I am very active in our small little town not everyone is aware. Blending or not it still about who we are that encourages people support, or so it seems. being true to ourselfs and our beliefs will carry me just as far as being stealth
have a great day, I am
Thing is it's not a one size fits all solution. I prefer to blend because it helps me feel comfortable and happy. It doesn't make me less authentic and it doesn't mean I'm running away from anything. I'm glad that you've found a style and way of presenting yourself that works for you and I think it's great that you do that, but if people want to blend or pass or even live stealth then that's fine too.
Some day, I'd like to feel comfortable wearing a cute skirt, show a bit of a bulge, and feel okay about that. Yes, I'm trans. Deal with it! Might feel differently next week. We'll see.
I am one to believe that there are as many ways to be transgender as there are transgender people. What works for one of us, works for one of us. We all have unique situations and must adapt to them the best way we can in order to achieve our best possible outcomes.
I applaud all of you for doing everything in your power to beat GD and pursue happiness.
Quote from: Squircle on May 04, 2015, 04:55:43 PM
Thing is it's not a one size fits all solution. I prefer to blend because it helps me feel comfortable and happy. It doesn't make me less authentic and it doesn't mean I'm running away from anything. I'm glad that you've found a style and way of presenting yourself that works for you and I think it's great that you do that, but if people want to blend or pass or even live stealth then that's fine too.
I certainly didn't mean to criticize or discount anyone for whom blending works. If that is what feels right to you then that is the authentic you.
Blend in? What's that? 8)
Hugs, Devlyn
My approach is simple. I just live my life. I don't advertise that I am trans but if confronted, I don't deny it either. Most people seem to not even realize that I am, which is nice.
My focus shifted a long time ago from worrying about passing to just being myself. Surprisingly, I pass more than ever but my focus is now on living, enjoying life, and on supporting and enjoying my friends. For me, that's plenty.
Quote from: Squircle on May 04, 2015, 04:55:43 PM
Thing is it's not a one size fits all solution. I prefer to blend because it helps me feel comfortable and happy. It doesn't make me less authentic and it doesn't mean I'm running away from anything. I'm glad that you've found a style and way of presenting yourself that works for you and I think it's great that you do that, but if people want to blend or pass or even live stealth then that's fine too.
I agree with you 100%. We each got to find our authentic way. But I have always interpreted blending in as being low profile. If that is one's authentic self, then that is what should they should seek. Yet as a one size fits all, I have trouble applying it to myself. I have had people suggest to me that my rather rebellious life style - and that extends way beyond my fashion choices - perpetuates negative trans stereotypes. Yet I know plenty of CIS women who are rather rebellious. That is the world in which I feel the most comfortable and which I now gravitate toward as I move along in my transition. I guess I am blending into the counter culture.
You do what you've gotta do. As a 6'3" woman there's not much blending in for me either. Mind you, I don't wear heels though...
Quote from: Ms Grace on May 04, 2015, 06:33:40 PM
You do what you've gotta do. As a 6'3" woman there's not much blending in for me either. Mind you, I don't wear heels though...
that would be pretty impressive, 6" stiletto's
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.stylingyou.com.au%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2014%2F01%2Fstyling-you-clothes-for-tall-women.jpg&hash=a3a37f25661cbda7a2480907358abc9e55b52ad0)
No blending in for me!!!
I honestly don't care weather I blend in or not because in the end I can't just push a button and blend. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I think i'm looking cis or not, it is others that will make the judgement. All I want is to live a simple life as a woman be able and comfortable to travel with a F on my passport and ID. That's for me.
I don't want to draw attention to myself and I never outright out myself to others, I go with the flow and live my life.
Where I live there are plenty of trans activists and I see what kind of responses and comments they get, and I know that attention is not for me.
I personally find it best to hang around other girls as much as possible to get makeup tips and go shopping with as well as pick up mannerisms, also if you are in a group you feel safer and more confident. Unfortunately I know this is not possible for everyone.
Also where I live it is very windy so I'm often outside with pants and several layers on, and pretty much get misgendered everyday, that doesnt mean i'm any less a girl.
When I started transitioning my goal was to just blend in, but as much as I do blend in I still tend to sometimes purposefully out myself and I don't care that I have. I'm proud of who I am and I'm happy and that's what matters not blending in.
Mariah
I think the age difference makes it or break it with blending in. It's a far a different reality for us young transitioners. My goal was never to blend in honestly, it just sort of happened that way. For the longest time I presented andro but I later found out that wasn't for me.
Blending in is a big deal still since a lot of us in our teens/early 20s are trying to get our lives started and reach some sort of financial stability else we might find ourselves in terrible situations, especially if you're a trans woman of color. So blending in for us helps a ton in everyday society with finding a job and being independent. Not blending in just makes everything so much harder for us unfortunately. Again I'm saying this from a young transitioner's perspective.
Well, I have had a pretty frustrating, unproductive, and stressful day. I am headed to a local club to do a little dancing to put my head back together. I guess I am probably failing the blending in thing, but where I am going, the way I am dressed sort of seems to fit.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CENFLZKUEAA8hw6.jpg)
I second Squircle, my goal is to blend in and it's happening sooner than I expected. Yes, I am partially stealth as people at work knew me prior to transition. However, outside of work - no one knows.
Life is working so far :) However, April Lee your spirit and grace is truly inspiring.
Quote from: Squircle on May 04, 2015, 04:55:43 PM
Thing is it's not a one size fits all solution. I prefer to blend because it helps me feel comfortable and happy. It doesn't make me less authentic and it doesn't mean I'm running away from anything. I'm glad that you've found a style and way of presenting yourself that works for you and I think it's great that you do that, but if people want to blend or pass or even live stealth then that's fine too.
Hehehe...I'm not big on the drawing attention approach.
I think it's more a matter of personality than anything else. I'm pretty guarded around people who I don't know. (I tend to have little in common with most of them, anyway!)
To each their own, though!
Blending in is more then how you look it having confidence in yourself and how you look... when I was in high school the tallest person in my class was 6'7" and she was very popular no one ever questioned that she was a girl why would they she was comfortable being who she was. If your out and someone says or asks you if your a guy just say no and move on or play it off and start giving them a hard time about it (because you really are not a guy are you)... my wife has been called sir or gets referred to as a guy occasionally and she just rolls with it and moves on because its something that happens she doesn't let it bother her because to her its no big deal and because she thinks of it that way no one ever questions her further. Just have confidence in yourself and you will blend.
I will add another angle that I think comes into play here. As I move farther into transition, my social life has more and more become centered around LGBT people. I go to LGBT friendly clubs and have made a number of friends there, especially among gay men. Because that world exists for me, I don't feel the pressure that some might feel in environments where there doesn't exist such a community.
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on May 04, 2015, 05:29:50 PM
Blend in? What's that? 8)
Hugs, Devlyn
Well a "blending" of ingredients in this case may be easier than "folding" them in to create our recipes for success?? ;D
Quote from: Lady_Oracle on May 04, 2015, 08:01:30 PM
I think the age difference makes it or break it with blending in. It's a far a different reality for us young transitioners. My goal was never to blend in honestly, it just sort of happened that way. For the longest time I presented andro but I later found out that wasn't for me.
Blending in is a big deal still since a lot of us in our teens/early 20s are trying to get our lives started and reach some sort of financial stability else we might find ourselves in terrible situations, especially if you're a trans woman of color. So blending in for us helps a ton in everyday society with finding a job and being independent. Not blending in just makes everything so much harder for us unfortunately. Again I'm saying this from a young transitioner's perspective.
Thank you for this perspective. It is a different reality for those of us who are still in the work place and transitioning at younger ages. And really, I hope people will learn from old geeks, like me, about how much better it might be to address our gender identity early in life. Gender identity issues with gender dysphoria is progressive and for many, a debilitating concern until we deal with it. And we deal with ourselves in uniquely ingenious ways. We do not know with any certainty how our lives might have turned out if we had started at a younger age and attained the presentation we dream of, but I sure have heard a few regrets about it!
Quote from: April Lee on May 05, 2015, 11:14:04 AM
I will add another angle that I think comes into play here. As I move farther into transition, my social life has more and more become centered around LGBT people. I go to LGBT friendly clubs and have made a number of friends there, especially among gay men. Because that world exists for me, I don't feel the pressure that some might feel in environments where there doesn't exist such a community.
Not trying to hog the reply line but this a cool discussion. April you and I would have a blast out and about and I too tend to have a circle of friends and support around that includes the whole rainbow of non conforming folks. We had a dance party last Saturday that featured just such a theme and it was amazing. People obviously felt such freedom to be themselves and live out loud. We were up dancing till 2:30 in Astoria. I wish it happened more often as that is when my tutu comes out of the closet:-)
Whenever there is a discussion on this subject, the word "attention" invariably comes up. As a male, I was pretty introverted. One of the strange things that has come of out my transition is the fact my personality has become very much extroverted. It isn't that I feel the need to be in the spotlight, but rather that I feel utterly comfortable in it. I just let the chains come completely off, an be whatever I feel inside.
My dancing, which I have talked about in other threads, has gained me a considerable amount of notoriety in the local club scene. I am not technically a good dancer at all, but I just let it flow out of me. Sometimes I just rock and sometimes I dance rather slow and sexy. But it is always very honest. I emote a great deal while doing it. I have even cried on occasion. I make the whole club my dance floor and will try cover ever corner of it. I dance like nobody is watching, but I know everybody is. It is like is just doesn't matter anymore. I find actually a great deal of comfort being that open.
Tessa, Next time you have a party, you got to invite me. I never refuse invitations where dancing is involved.
April is Carefree a real place? You are so there! Should you get up here near the Oregon coast please do give me a jingle and we will get to dancing all night long...
Be who you want, but I am the blendtec lady. I do blend!
I honestly never expected it but for the most part I am totally unremarkable in most people's eyes. When I go full time and get my voice fixed fewer people will even suspect. It will all just be natural.
But if you want to be out and proud, that is cool!
About younger transitioners, it's not just about you girls/guys. For me, I have to visit some violently transphobic places so I need to pass. Then again I am not that old. I think Lynn Conway was in her late 20s/early 30s when she transitioned and even had a wife and 2 kids. She lived stealth for a long while. I don't know if stealth is for me but it does seem appealing. Maybe not deep stealth but some degree of stealth.
Quote from: Tessa James on May 05, 2015, 12:58:28 PM
April is Carefree a real place? You are so there! Should you get up here near the Oregon coast please do give me a jingle and we will get to dancing all night long...
Tessa, Carefree is at the far North East corner of the Phoenix metro area. To the North and to the East there are mountains and almost nothing for about a 100 miles. Below is a picture taken about 500 feet from my front door. However, I am only about 23 miles from downtown Scottsdale, going the other direction. I have never been in the North West part of the country, but I know it is beautiful up your way. I might just have to take a trip there, and I promise I will look you up if that happens.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CDXtmI-UkAAPIcc.jpg)
Quote from: Emily E on May 05, 2015, 04:01:01 AM
Blending in is more then how you look it having confidence in yourself and how you look... when I was in high school the tallest person in my class was 6'7" and she was very popular no one ever questioned that she was a girl why would they she was comfortable being who she was. If your out and someone says or asks you if your a guy just say no and move on or play it off and start giving them a hard time about it (because you really are not a guy are you)... my wife has been called sir or gets referred to as a guy occasionally and she just rolls with it and moves on because its something that happens she doesn't let it bother her because to her its no big deal and because she thinks of it that way no one ever questions her further. Just have confidence in yourself and you will blend.
With me being 6'7" I can confirm that no one thinks I'm trans because I'm tall. It's never clocked me and for over a year I've been gendered female all the time unless someone isn't looking directly at me and assumes male from just seeing someone really tall out of the corner of their eye. (Like a cashier counting their money as I approach) and every time that has happened they apologized and correctly gendered me as female. The worse that has happened was I was asked if I was an Amazon woman, LOL. (Happened to me this morning at Dunkin Donuts when the person turned around and was shocked to see a 6'7" woman.)
This is sort of an odd conversation for me. I blend right in and did very quickly after starting my transition. It was just in the cards. I don't go out of my way to blend either, like I don't wear much make-up (often none at all) and will sometimes even wear some guy clothes. But regardless, I still pass easily. So it's not so much a choice to blend in as it is a consequence of transitioning for me. Then again, I could talk in my natural male tone, but what would be the point? I guess this is all really about denying our pasts or not, right? In my case it's difficult because I ended up being stealth unintentionally. I wouldn't deny to anyone that I'm trans, but then it just never comes up. Nobody suspects, and even when I present my old ID, nobody says anything about it or treats me differently. Since it never comes up, there's no real point for me to stir the pot and intentionally out myself. Is my lack of trans-visibility denying who I am? Or is it just me being me? My boyfriend doesn't want me to tell anyone, as in intentionally outing myself. To me that's an issue because yeah, I'm denying who I am for someone else. But at the same time, I don't have much reason to tell anyone. Sure editing my past can sometimes irk me, but it's not a huge deal I suppose. I guess in the end, as lame as it is to hide part of my life from people, it's just not in my best interest at the moment to intentionally expose myself like that. For me blending in isn't a choice, but not blending in would be. Sorry if I'm rambling, sometimes this stuff just gets all complicated for me. Probably another reason to just go with the flow and blend rather than intentionally shake things up any more than they are considering everything else going on in my life right now.
I believe that blending in and passing are related concepts, but by no means the same thing. When I hear blending in, the way it seems to get used is avoiding things that would put the spotlight on you, or other words, things that get attention. I suppose the idea here is that more attention one gets, the more scrutiny. I don't seek attention, but it doesn't bother me either. As I have said elsewhere, I was somewhat of an introvert in my male life, who has become extremely extroverted as a female. Much of what I do seems to put me in a position to standout. For example, just driving a convertible sports car (which I own) is not a choice that is probably conducive of blending in. Driving that convertible with the top down, and my long red hair flowing in the breeze is going to cause people to look. But I can actually pass at about 15 feet away pretty well. I know this because I have had a fair number guys make fools of themselves when I am at a traffic light, but because I draw that attention, I am more likely to get clocked as well, and pretty quickly. I just need to open my mouth for that to happen. But the risk of being clocked doesn't concern me. I don't fear that, and I am not going to compromise on an experience I want to have.
I have similar views. The thing that got me to a point where I really needed to transition was a need to stop faking it to everyone. I get there are some things that are unavoidable if you don't want to draw too much attention to yourself, like voice, but trying to fake a walk or mannerisms seems excessive to me. Not saying it's not right for anybody else. It's just not right for me. I spent the first half of my life faking everything from mannerisms, to likes and dislikes, and even the way I dance and walk. I'll do the standard feminizations like hormones, voice, and makeup, but aside from that I intend to shift my focus away from my mannerisms and into my life, where it belongs.
Quote from: Emileeeee on May 06, 2015, 05:27:16 PM
I have similar views. The thing that got me to a point where I really needed to transition was a need to stop faking it to everyone. I get there are some things that are unavoidable if you don't want to draw too much attention to yourself, like voice, but trying to fake a walk or mannerisms seems excessive to me. Not saying it's not right for anybody else. It's just not right for me. I spent the first half of my life faking everything from mannerisms, to likes and dislikes, and even the way I dance and walk. I'll do the standard feminizations like hormones, voice, and makeup, but aside from that I intend to shift my focus away from my mannerisms and into my life, where it belongs.
Emileeeee, It is interesting you bring this up, because I have been thinking about my own search for authenticity a great deal, and have reached a few conclusions about who I really am. My soul is extremely feminine, but along the way I had to learn how to cope in the world and developed an extremely masculine facade. In Freud's terminology this outer facade would be called my "super ego". It is that part of me that handles societal expectations. I suppose what I call my "soul" or "core" is somewhat analogous to Freud's "Id", but Freud saw the Id as being as just a center of our more base emotions. I see the soul as the very essence of who we are, or our true authentic self. As I see it, just going with my raw instincts is tapping directly into that part of me that is most feminine. When I try to contrive something, I am reaching into that part of me that is my super ego, and the part that is most masculine.
Quote from: April Lee on May 06, 2015, 06:50:38 PM
Emileeeee, It is interesting you bring this up, because I have been thinking about my own search for authenticity a great deal, and have reached a few conclusions about who I really am. My soul is extremely feminine, but along the way I had to learn how to cope in the world and developed an extremely masculine facade. In Freud's terminology this outer facade would be called my "super ego". It is that part of me that handles societal expectations. I suppose what I call my "soul" or "core" is somewhat analogous to Freud's "Id", but Freud saw the Id as being as just a center of our more base emotions. I see the soul as the very essence of who we are, or our true authentic self. As I see it, just going with my raw instincts is tapping directly into that part of me that is most feminine. When I try to contrive something, I am reaching into that part of me that is my super ego, and the part that is most masculine.
That's actually what made me think that I don't need to put so much stock in mannerisms. I spent years trying to adopt masculine mannerisms only to find out that the feminine ones still got through when I wasn't looking. If they're already there, I don't feel the need to try to learn them any differently. I was never gendered female while in male mode (aside from one time as a kid with long hair) despite these feminine mannerisms, so I expect that the same would be true on the flip side.
Quote from: Emileeeee on May 06, 2015, 07:36:03 PM
That's actually what made me think that I don't need to put so much stock in mannerisms. I spent years trying to adopt masculine mannerisms only to find out that the feminine ones still got through when I wasn't looking. If they're already there, I don't feel the need to try to learn them any differently. I was never gendered female while in male mode (aside from one time as a kid with long hair) despite these feminine mannerisms, so I expect that the same would be true on the flip side.
Once I stopped trying to make everything I did super masculine and just let myself be me I discovered just how bad a job I was doing at portraying manhood. From the way I walk, talk, use my hands, to the way I sit. Everything was feminine. I was called on it a few times in the closet but no one noticed. My male skin was all it took. The story I told about me. Thats what everyone saw. But they were actually seeing a woman making fists while she walked, wrists toward her hips. I found out here that men walk with their wrists facing backwards. Palms scooping the air. I watched people walk for a week, fascinated by this simple observation. Even though my hands were in fists, they were facing the wrong way and ever so slightly upturned at the wrist.
Heck, when my folks put a bottle in my hands for the first time as a baby, my pinky went right up...and it never stopped.