I just heard some really great advice that I thought I'd pass along to you lovely ladies.
I've been a woman my whole life, but I used to pass 0% of the time. In other words, I had never been seen as a woman. Now, even if I pass only 5% of the time, it's still a major improvement. Right? I've lived my whole life in a prison cell, and 5% is like getting some much-needed yard time. It's not total freedom yet, but it's way better than being in that prison cell all the time.
Being seen as a woman is really important to me, so I'm not content to stay at 5%. I'm working really hard on presentation, voice, etc. And with hormones working their magic, that 5% is going to grow steadily.
I'm usually a glass half full kind of girl, but it's easy to get hung up on the times I wasn't seen as a woman. So I really appreciated this positive take on the process of transition.
I hope it helps some of you too. :)
Most of us start where you are at. It sounds like you have a plan, and you have a positive attitude; I'm looking forward to seeing you progress in your transition. Best wishes...
To put it simply, barely passing is still passing
I try to be a glass 5% full kind of person most of the time... :)
Some of the happiest trans women I know don't pass. The fact that I can pass a lot of the times actually causes anxiety - now I'm never sure whether I'm being read.
That being said, I'm glad you've found a positive way forward. Whenever I'm clocked, I try to ask what gives me away. Lately it hasn't been any one thing, just a combination of factors that would be harmless when taken individually
I'm pretty sure I don't pass 100% but I do pass enough to be addressed properly and not be stared at. That to me is when I know I pass "enough." For me the idea is to look good but not stick out. When you stick out people will examine you. I actually did go out a few times really done up and I was being stared at. I thought I was being clocked but it turns out I was not. Why? One woman hit her boyfriend and said, "stop staring at her" which means something else was probably sticking out (on him, LOL).
I do agree it is liberating to pass a little bit at least. I hate being called sir and I want to just get over my gender dysphoria so I can not worry about it and focus on other stuff.
Quote from: Susan on May 09, 2015, 04:15:16 AM
To put it simply, barely passing is still passing
Very logical :)
A couple nights ago a transwoman I met at my support group asked me if I'm stealth at work. I was floored by her question. Everyone has a different definition of stealth, and I'd say that she doesn't pass as well a she thinks she does. But in any case, it seems that I might be passing better than I think I do. And this was in a social situation where I think I don't pass at all.
My concept of " passing" has totally turned upside down since going full time. people who have known me male for 20 years don't even blink an eye when they first see me. Everyone has been really kind. One chef at a restaurant came out to the table I was sitting in at with my new dress on and said that I looked pretty. wow, I think I'm pretty lucky living where I do.
This thread really hits home for me.
When I started transition, I had low expectations. I didn't expect to ever pass, and just hoped people would treat me well.
And they have so far. People have been really nice, so I guess I never got around to worrying about passing. Instead, I just assume people can tell I'm transgender, and try to be friendly and have fun, and it seems to be working out OK.
In fact, the only time I do get worried about passing is when I'm reading one of those "passing" threads. ;)
I couldn't agree more, Eveline. I also have low/no expectations. At first, I was more concerned about people being rude or mean, but that hasn't happened. I have gotten a few, "Yes, ma'ams" but they have always been in fleeting encounters.
A couple of days ago, I was at the store looking for a ladies hat that might fit me (seems they don't make 'em). There was a thirty-something young lady that had selected an off-white, crochet and lace top and was trying to match it with a scarf. She was holding it up with some of the bolder colors, fuchsia, lemon, plum. Clearly in my mind, she was about to make a fashion mistake, but I'm still not sure what made me pipe up and say, "If you don't mind a suggestion, I think it would go better with the peach or coral scarf."
Without looking at me, she snatched up the coral scarf and held it up to the top. She said, "You're right. I'm trying to find something for my mother." Then she turned and looked directly at me. Two beats went by and then she said, "Thank you, ma'am." Her words lifted my heart.
Seems there's a lesson for me in that encounter.
Not passing most of the time makes those moments when you do that much more special. Also, it takes a ton of anxiety off of me. I know I don't pass so I feel more comfortable wearing what I please. I have nothing to prove or expectations to meet. Like others have said I was more worried about folks being mean to me. Since that seems to almost never happen it does not realy matter if I pass so long as I am treated like any other person. I would like to be seen and treated as a woman and as a trans woman. I shouldn't feel like I have something to hide. I am beautiful, I am trans and I am a woman. End of story!
I find this very interesting. I keep seeing mentions of how the "non-passable" are the happiest and the prettiest are the most insecure which I've found to be somewhat true.
Those who I know and don't pass would march proudly front of any traffic. Abby who got banned on here, happens to live only half an hour away from me and she's the prettiest girl ever, yet very very anxious wherever we go.
In my first year on HRT I had shoulder-length hair and was completely confident everywhere I went. I passed but didn't care if I did. In the 2nd year, I started getting pixie haircuts. While I loved getting pixie cuts for months, it was noticed my anxiety rocketed through the roof. Don't get me wrong, I love how he cut my hair but short hair attracted attention everywhere I went way way more than before (friends said because I looked like a model but I didn't think it was always it) and I stood out. I stayed home and was fearful even just to get gas.
It's the 3rd year, my hair is almost shoulder-length again and I'm starting to get that don't-give-a-->-bleeped-<--what-the-public-thinks attitude back. I go out everyday now and people stopped staring. Finally.
Has it occurred to anyone else where her anxiety worsened after being on HRT for a few years? Everyone's beautiful to me in their own way but maybe it's the attention that those who are "pretty" to the eyes of the public attract that makes them nervous? Or it's our hair that makes a huge difference in our self-perception of passing? Maybe I watch too much crime TV? Dunno! We all need to go out and not allow society dictate our life even if we don't pass- which I'm working on!
I heard someone say once that 60% of passing is hair. And i think she was probably right.
I think confidence is another huge factor in passing because people smell the fear. It's ironic that not caring about being seen as trans can actually help you blend in and act more naturally. That's a tough hurdle to get over though
Quote from: Urban Christina on May 19, 2015, 11:35:00 PM
In my first year on HRT I had shoulder-length hair and was completely confident everywhere I went. I passed but didn't care if I did. In the 2nd year, I started getting pixie haircuts. While I loved getting pixie cuts for months, it was noticed my anxiety rocketed through the roof. Don't get me wrong, I love how he cut my hair but short hair attracted attention everywhere I went way way more than before (friends said because I looked like a model but I didn't think it was always it) and I stood out. I stayed home and was fearful even just to get gas.
I gotta say, you look gorgeous in your avatar pic there. I think your friends may be right about that model comment. :)
Quote from: Tristan on May 20, 2015, 10:13:49 AM
I gotta say, you look gorgeous in your avatar pic there. I think your friends may be right about that model comment. :)
Aww, thanks hun. Most of us just want to blend in but I've found short hair did the opposite. Bummer.
Quote from: katiej on May 20, 2015, 12:37:50 AM
I heard someone say once that 60% of passing is hair. And i think she was probably right.
I think confidence is another huge factor in passing because people smell the fear. It's ironic that not caring about being seen as trans can actually help you blend in and act more naturally. That's a tough hurdle to get over though
100%. Hair, clothing, and beard shadow are everything; in order.
Quote from: Urban Christina on May 19, 2015, 11:35:00 PM
Everyone's beautiful to me in their own way but maybe it's the attention that those who are "pretty" to the eyes of the public attract that makes them nervous?
I think we all know even if it's just in the back of our mind that the more people look at you the more you are scrutinized and the more likely you can be clocked so when someone looks beautiful and attracts a lot of attention they will feel like a spot light is on them all the time and will feel nervous because they feel like they can be clocked at any time. So when you do something like cut your hair and suddenly everyone is looking at you it's natural to fall back into a place where you are comfortable and try to undo what you did so people are no longer looking at you. I think some of us will look especially beautiful or attractive when we transition which will be an additional emotional hurtle to overcome as we likely never had to deal with being desirable to other people in some way before.