I've been called different things since coming out, but 'trap' is a new one. I was in the mall, walking from one store to another. As I passed one store, outside of which were two young African-American men, I distinctly overheard the phrase 'it's a trap' and saw one of the men glance at me. I heard another say the word 'girl.' I didn't stay to overhear or ask for more, for obvious reasons. I don't know with 100% certainty they were referring to me, but the mall was not crowded, and I was within a foot of them as I walked by.
The incident stung me deeply. I had already had a salesgirl in a store, earlier, callously look at me twice as if trying to figure out whether I was female or male; she seemed a bit crude anyway, going by her interactions with other customers, but it had irked me because I was told by my father only two days ago that I obviously 'look like a man trying to look like a woman' and that I 'don't look much' like a female, and when I heard the word 'trap' later today it triggered me.
I know I do not pass all the time; sometimes I can visually, but clearly there is something missing, something that identifies me as a 'trap.'
It's the term itself that makes what could otherwise be casual transphobia worse. Why are we called by that term? Why the assumption that we are, firstly, trying to trick males into 'believing' we are cis-, and why, secondly, the assumption we are attracted to males at all? Why is it walking into a 'trap' to be with one of us? Why the reduction of our being into walking areas of sexual danger and humiliation for straight males?
My mother already does not believe anyone will ever love me if I transition, since she cannot conceive of someone loving a transwoman; when I hear words like 'trap,' I hear, too, an echo of her words, a repetition of this pernicious idea of difference between me and 'a woman.'
Sorry for the perhaps incoherent post--that term just hit me at a particularly vulnerable moment after a difficult meeting with my family, and I feel pretty depressed.
If someone did that to me, I'd likely flash my Imperial Navy logo tattoo and say, 'Hey, I'm not a Mon Calamari!' and laugh at them..
I am sorry this happened to you.
I have never been called that but I have been called other similar terms. It hurts and it is dehumanizing and it is meant to hurt.
Remember, you are a beautiful woman and there is someone out there for you.
Hold your head up high.
Hugs. Sorry to hear that you had that experience. Sadly some people rarely have anything nice to say about anyone. You heard what they might have been saying about you, but they may have been dishing out just as bad or worse to every person who walked past. The thing is to be better than them, hold your head up high and know that they are small minded jerks regardless.
It happens I get strange mean looks every so often. Most people have been really nice to me. I do try to avoid some teen male groups hanging out in a mall or street corner on a Friday or Saturday night with no life of their own.
Hiya, Gabrielle
First up, your post is actually very coherent, so thank you :~)
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I guess that the mainstream world is still getting used to transsexualism being a 'thing'.
People are a lot more aware of it now, so yeah, there are many people who will happily stand with us as allies.
Once I get to know somebody, and they get to know me, I have no trouble forming that alliance, as we can now understand each other.
--
Nonetheless a lot of people don't get it. Often that's not their fault.
I was in the wilderness myself for a long time - to be honest, I didn't believe in transsexualism either for many years. But then it happened to me.
People will say things that seem casual to them, but really set off someone like you or me.
Most of the time, it's clumsiness, and being unaware of the other's perspective. On rare occasion there will some meanness there. Either way there is little I can do right now but forgive, and get on with my own life.
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It's rough coming from the parents too. I don't think my parents believe in it. But we are communicating, and I don't really want to disconnect from them.
So again, what can I do but forgive and move on?
---
S
Dad's will say anything to make you feel bad when it comes to transitioning. I got the same response from my own, and with the words "nobody will love you", "you may get with a gay guy but no real men", and the "you'll be poor for the rest of your life". My dad was stun, no shocked to hear that I am engaged to a professional straight male that makes more than he'll ever earn in a lifetime.
Now the trap part, I am not for certain what that means. They may think you're under 18, maybe what they referred to back in my younger days as "jail bait". You do look young, congrats ;)
I just think you are thinking too much into things over what your dad said to you. You need to put that crap he says about you behind and not let it get to you. I pretty much had to delete my dad from my life, or otherwise I would of probably gone back into mental breakdown again.
Chin up girl, you pass & you look beautiful. LOVE THE HAIR!!!
Quote from: Gabrielle_22 on May 11, 2015, 06:00:15 PM
... I was told by my father only two days ago that I obviously 'look like a man trying to look like a woman' and that I 'don't look much' like a female...
Honey, I have to disagree with your father.
Your avatar photo, and some others you posted awhile back, show a
very attractive young woman.
And maybe those guys in the mall did clock you, but it stands to reason that you're not a "trap" unless you're hot. ;)
To this I add my favorite mock Latin phrase: "Illegitimi non carborundum".
(hugs)
Quote from: Gabrielle_22 on May 11, 2015, 06:00:15 PM
Why are we called by that term? Why the assumption that we are, firstly, trying to trick males into 'believing' we are cis-, and why, secondly, the assumption we are attracted to males at all? Why is it walking into a 'trap' to be with one of us? Why the reduction of our being into walking areas of sexual danger and humiliation for straight males?
My mother already does not believe anyone will ever love me if I transition, since she cannot conceive of someone loving a transwoman; when I hear words like 'trap,' I hear, too, an echo of her words, a repetition of this pernicious idea of difference between me and 'a woman.'
Well, on a snarky note, like Eveline said, you can't be a "trap" if you aren't attractive anyway. That aside... It is a horrible and demeaning thing to call someone. Society is still really homophobic and transphobic and sexist, these are the reasons why some straight men have hang-ups about being with transgender women. It's their loss; they're going to immediately shut the door on an entire demographic of women just because of how society might perceive them.
I do really empathize with what you're going through with your mother - my entire family is pretty much convinced that no woman I might be attracted to would return my feelings. Growing up, I heard a lot of the "no one wants to be with a girl who thinks she's a boy." Honestly, I'm still really damaged by that, and pretty much am convinced that I'll end up alone (though, not because I"m transgender, just because of who I am as a person). Do you have a counselor you could go to? I'm *trying* to work through this feeling of being unlovable but it's a really difficult one without help - even with help.
I don't have any advice to offer but just thought I'd share a little bit. You're not alone in this, and even though it sucks, please try to be optimistic. I'm sure that you'll find some really nice guy or girl someday who will love you for exactly who you are. Don't give up. :)
I'm sorry that happened to you its never easy to hear something like that. A lot of men are afraid of Trans-women because they view relations with them as somehow being in a gay relationship and many of them are not only afraid of the stigma but are also not ready to deal with the possibility that any type of relationship other then the standard male/female relationship would be fulfilling and that any guy dressing as a woman has to be gay and looking for men so it really comes down to ignorance.
For those that don't know what trap means:
"Trap" is a term used in anime/manga which refers to a person that looks and acts like a woman (to a great extent and usually very attractive) but ends up being a man (its usually a teen or boy) the term is used because the character (whether they try to or not) causes guys to pursue them romantically or sexually and isn't found to be a guy till its to late (trapping the guy)
I'm not saying its right or a good term but that's what it means.
Thank you for the kind words, everyone. I appreciate it. This is one reason I'm glad this community exists, even if I don't post all the time--I know next to no trans* persons in real life, so having a community where I can freely talk about things like this and get understanding responses is hugely meaningful.
No doubt I allowed my parents' poisonous words to magnify the 'trap' comment's significance in my mind. But I do also know I am not yet someone who can 'pass' all the time. At some angles, I think I can pass; at others, with different hair/makeup combinations, I feel I look like an androgynous male. I keep hoping HRT will alleviate this--I'm only one month in--but it's hard to get my parents' sentiments out of the echo chamber of the mind and heart.
But what stung me the most was the idea that these two young men who called me 'trap' had evaluated me as such on what I assume was a few moments of watching, since I was simply leaving one store to go across the mall to another, and one of them was an employee for the store he was standing in front of--a sports shoe store--so I doubt he would have strayed far enough from the store to observe me earlier. In moments, I had become not simply an object of gendered male harassment--this is unfortunately too often simply part of being a woman in certain urban and social spaces--but an object to be assessed on a deeper gender level, an object whose authenticity was in question. To be a 'trap' is implicitly be either in search of or in the way of the paths of straight males who use such terminology; you are there to 'trap' them, to trick them, to try to get nothing but sex out of them. And you are denied your femininity, for you are not a transgender woman; you are rather a deceptive male or 'she-male' in this kind of pejorative mindset. I would object to be calling a '->-bleeped-<-' or another such term by a stranger, but there is something specific about 'trap' that hurts and angers me more than any other term for transwomen I know of. I don't deny there is an inverse compliment in the term--you must pass to some degree to be a 'trap'--but this is a small consolation. After all, a 'trap' is usually more conceived of as a cross-dressing deceptive male than a transwoman, though I doubt the users of the term really understand such distinctions.
Although I was aware of the term long before trans* issues began to go more mainstream, it is possible that 'trap' and other terms may be tossed off more casually as we become more visible, a symptom of the 'fear' of insecurely heterosexual men that a woman they see or speak with might be trans*, or, in the stereotypical/trope case, a cross-dresser. But I still wish people, young men in particular, had more respect for others in these scenarios. You don't have to speculate about my gender loudly enough for me to hear as I walk past. That is disrespectful BS, and it reinforces the way so many of us still unfortunately exist not as humans but as spectacles for too many persons out there.
Quote from: kelly_aus on May 11, 2015, 06:05:25 PM
If someone did that to me, I'd likely flash my Imperial Navy logo tattoo and say, 'Hey, I'm not a Mon Calamari!' and laugh at them..
^^ LOL! I doubt they were enought sharp to get it.
That sucks. Sorry that happened, girl. I'm of the mindset that if I can pass for myself, I can pass for everyone else. If I ever get clocked, it's no big deal to me. I'm proud of who I am, and I don't give two iotas of a flying rat f#ck what other people think of me. What matters is that I'm comfortable in my own skin, and in my own mind.
All of my hugs to you Gabrielle_22! I have been called a trap a few times over teamspeak, I don't know how I would react IRL. Stay strong and keep your head up :)
"I distinctly overheard the phrase 'it's a trap' and saw one of the men glance at me. I heard another say the word 'girl.'"
^^ Yeah the "girl?!" comment, the glance and "it's a trap" was all probably a trans reference to you. It certainly adds up. While "Jail bait" "Jail bait" would be a reference to young girls.
Just keep your head up high.
Gabrielle, be strong beauty. I know it's painful and trust me we all get a fair share of that pie. However, it does get better.
What always help me whenever I feel insecure is to remind myself that I am a woman period. As long as you know that deep down in your core, nothing can rattle you.
I'm here to listen and chat if you need anything sweets xo
April
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