Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, I am moving and going into an entirely different career path I have yet to experience.
I am moving from California to the state of New York, and plan on beginning a job that can not only secure some money in my account and provide housing, but also to grow up, experience the world that is out here because I constantly feel that just because I am who I am does not mean I cannot venture out, deal with common struggles, be just a normal American citizen.

I was closely tied to LGBT organizations but enough is enough and I feel I am trapped in a chidlish atmosphere that in result ties to a childish lifestyle, not that it is ignorance but I only wonder if I were not so clipped to being afilated and comfortable in certain places, I damn sure would have been on my way.

Being raised in California, and traveling and absolutely enjoying the absolute freedom of being away, I thrist for it and when I am in this state, I 'dumb down as a clown', I feel I am not myself, though of course queer related aspects are more accpetable, from rumor, but then again I feel I can function more properly in another state being a regular person and actually trying to pass.

I am not too concerned with passing but I do have a yearning to find a  boyfriend totally accepting of me as I am him, and accomplish healthy relationships with new friends and venture out, go to bars, explore just live in the city and not worry about any LGBT related topics, my transtition would again become personal (as well as my life), get a nine to five and feel ACCOMPLISED just for having the basics, sacred simplicity??? I so steal words from songs but the connection is real!

The career I am choosing to enter is as a dancer, and I enjoy dancing, but this dancing takes lingirie and a bubbly personality. I am stoked and enthusiastic about finally growing out of this shell that I stare out lonely wondering why my life is so boring and controlled/constricted, so funny but I am just over my past life.

To take off, to lift off!

Another loss I have had over the past year or so is that I have lost myself, and hardly have a backbone becoming such a pushover but always a hothead I just hold back so much now. Reason being my career choice came up, I am not judging myself bad and feel very confident in my choice, though it will be cooler than the sunny California.

I knew I would eventually move anyway, I mainly came back just to continue my transition but now I have secured my doctors appointments in the state I am moving to, and housing, though not official, a bed is better than the streets! The hard life is not so hard anymore, and I am glad to have such a tough exterior even though I am as tender as can be in the center.

Whew the accomplishment of paying your own rent, and I plan on paying months in advance based on my earnings, and if the job does not work out, so many more opportunities, at minimum I changed my environment!

Where to move to, I feel the world is open to travel, which is not true or should not be attempted, of course facts and all that good stuff, but I aim to live, make an honest living and would it not be beautiful to transition comfortably through it all.

Everything is so quuer and that is so weird, because I am so 'straight', not that I am not accpeting but I had and have habits that were heteronormative (if a word) and just because I am transitioning does not mean I will undergo a complete change and discard all I am. Especially when I strive to be authentic throughout my transition, to me the genderqueer or gender nonconforming is just a established way of saying, I am myself, until I was able to comprehend the labels then did I apply them to myself.

Dressing in what presents to be more masculine or more feminine through the days, oh what a drag that is.. The questions: Who Am I? What Am I Getting At? Am I Confused? Do I Know What Gender I Am Attracted To?, not that these are everyday questions or concerns and no finger pointing, but damn it can be a job just waking up & in order for me to wear a dress it has to be PERFECT, ha, not as perfect but I want it to look nice.

Accumilating money will also assist in making my transition easier instead of penny pinching, prioritizing based on what I can only do for this month, I can FINALLY express my clothing style, get my hair done (oh the hours of doing it yourself, silk wrap anyone?) Go to kickbacks, bondfires, explore the opportunities of this life.

In California I can embrace queer individuals, gain aspects of acceptance but I cannot be myself, finding myself to be much more masculine when I feel smothered, the redundant topics that float around or are the head of conversations, but leaving I will 'switch up' and that is what I need, psh I am almost twenty four and this past year has been boring and a constant struggle.

Being young and feeling old that 'it is too late', finally built myself over it and know with effort I can still join the straight crowd and go with the flow, I acutally understand the importance of passing, damn I freaking miss being normal, even if I get masculine pronouns I can deal, with confidence the hormones are taking effect, my goals to feminize myself and taking initiative to progress and not worry.

Even now I get masuline pronouns (biggest ouch, and I cringe) but I can deal, and every time I get it, I roll with it, self reflect (love mindfulness) and continue forward. I know where I am at, and where I plan to go =)
Especially dealing dysphoria, and blantant gender identity, the years of questioning but years before of knowing myself, it 'does not' phase me but duh it does.

Hard headed and stubborn to transition my own way, even if I get clocked.. but not really.. I just need to get it together.

Cheers to being back into the real world!  :-*

Except I can experience it more as the girl that I am, weave myself into finding she I always thought about and knew myself to be, 'the spirit', I am a girly girl just shedding the horrible masculine armour I put over myself, I actually dislike my masculine mannerisms but also remind myself to embrace who I am so at 'end' my transition feels wholesome and authentic.

Like going bass to soprano, but the reality of it is possible!

So Lost myself, but yay, I am back, oh, and how do you all feel about Fenix as my legal name which is coming soon this September? Some may say clockish, others self defining.. Whaa.. I was thinking Kelley, in respects to family but damn so much into this entire process to go back seems hard, maybe accept name and gender change but go by Kelley and file for another name change, oh the spinning world!