I've been questioning myself a lot lately, looking for answers in this whole confusing experience of gender identity. I've isolated that a lot of my problems stem from how others see me, and not how I see myself. But I know a large portion of the problem is that I want to look as much like a cisgender girl as possible. This desire has been a core part of my desire to transition, because I hate how I look. I don't really take care of myself because I hate my body, I wear the same boring clothes everyday because I just don't care. A lot of the time when I see trans* girls posting about their desire to look like a girl being prevalent, most people tell them that it shouldn't matter or be a factor, and I don't understand that. Is it so wrong to want to look how you feel you should? If the male body is that much o f a part of your dysphoria, which it's becoming more and more for me as time goes on, what's wrong with desiring to look like a female? I simply feel that my desire to look female shouldn't discount my credibility for transitioning...
Firstly there is nothing wrong at all in presenting as you wish!
I wear nice clothes. I wear pretty perfume.
I adore shoes. I usually wear a dress or skirt and top.
I like looking feminine.
Just me and nothing wrong with that
Not a thing wrong with wanting to look the best you can be. Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? Because I think a good therapist who understands gender identity issues would be able to help you.
No Rosalie its not wrong to want to look pretty at all... I know I wanted that all my life, now because of my age I may have to settle on Attractive....
Hey I do understand exactly were you're at and no matter whether you want to be a dag or the prettiest girl in the world, it should not stop your dream, your desire to attain that. For many of us Dysphoria is about our body, our looks and our body parts, its because our brain sees us differently to what we physically are, then, the more you look, the more you despair. So in reality you have control, I used to look in the mirror every day hating this and hating that, till I cried, so now I look through the mirror, unless I am dressed as I should be :P, but even when in male drag, I look beyond what I see and visualise how I'll be looking in a years time, all the time!
As far as how 'pretty' you are depends on how you project yourself, smiling and happy, nice clothes... then confidence kicks in, each positive step drives more confidence... be brave, smile, wear nice clothes, plan your future... and execute your plan.
And anyway, there are many ways to achieve the most beautiful girl in the world look... but much of that takes money, a lot of it, for all female's, no exception... well maybe a couple of notables!
Hope that helps you a little :-*
L Katy
Nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty. Just about every woman does.
And every woman is beautiful, merely by being female.
But most women must, at some point in their lives, come to terms with the fact that they won't look like a movie star or a supermodel. We learn to see ourselves as beautiful regardless of the specifics of our looks. That classic movie start supermodel beauty is an illusion and true beauty comes from being comfortable with who we are.
Looking nice and pretty is a long-running social pressure that affects many who identify as female. A lot of people do question it.
I'm not diminishing it, though. It's important to me too. I make sure that I look as good as I can when I go to work, or meet people.
Is this me trying to fulfil how I perceive the female role? Quite possibly. Does that change anything? Not really, no :~D
Hey,
I have struggled with something similar, although with a slightly different twist.
I am one of those people who argue that our beauty standards are messed up and they hurt us because they create (gendered) ideals that no one (cis or trans*) can live up to. I personally think we need to ditch those ideals and we'll be much happier for it. Who says a man isn't a man just because he was afab and isn't on t?
So given this view I have struggled immensely with the fact that regardless I want to get on t and look more like a dmab person. I feel shallow for wanting this. I also think that if society was less "shallow" and biologistic, maybe I would feel more like a "real" man without the changes that t creates. But that's not the case yet. And I just want to be perceived as a "normal guy". I have begun to accept this desire of mine. I'm accepting it's OK not wanting to be "subversive" all the time. I'll find other ways of subverting cis-normative, biologistic views of gender.
Quote from: JynxRosalie on May 15, 2015, 04:30:49 AM
... A lot of the time when I see trans* girls posting about their desire to look like a girl being prevalent, most people tell them that it shouldn't matter or be a factor, and I don't understand that. Is it so wrong to want to look how you feel you should? ...
JynxRosalie, there's nothing wrong with wanting to look pretty! I think a lot of girls have the same feelings as you.
Frankly, I never would have found the courage to transition if I didn't think I could eventually look at least "pleasant" (I gave up on "pretty").
Since I wanted my choice to be at somewhat tied to reality, I decided to have virtual FFS to see what might be possible. I was very happy with the results, and ended up taping the "after" image to my mirror to help keep up my spirits during the early stages of transition...
There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look good. I strive for perfection every day and it pays off. I am more confident and flow through the day with more pep in my step. The important thing is that you're happy and if you believe you are good looking, then you are. Other critics be damned.
Absolutely nothing wrong with it. Your life, enjoy it.
Don't worry about society or anyone who tells you that being pretty is wrong or not empowering. If you want to be pretty, you go ahead and do it.
If you want to not be pretty, that is your right too.
There is nothing wrong with it at all as others have said. You should wear and dress in away that makes you happy and comfortable. We all know how that is dressing in away that isn't us which only causes pain and discomfort. Hugs
Mariah
Absolutely not but only if you are doing it for yourself..............and your end goals are realistic.
What would be wrong is when you no longer see yourself as beautiful based on the perceptions and view points that others and society will try to force onto any woman.
Think back to when you were at school. How many of the average looking cis girls longed to be like the beautiful few, the pretty and popular girls.
Look at what is happening in today's society. How many popular cis women go to extreme lengths with plastic surgeries that leave them looking like hideous freaks once they have taken it that one step too far. How many cosmetic companies are making billions of dollars selling anti-wrinkle products that barely work if at all.
We are all only too aware of the fact that most fashion magazines doctor and PhotoShop the models that appear in them. The standards placed on models to be a size zero in order to be accepted. The ridiculous and dangerous diets they put themselves through to maintain that "competitive edge" in an industry that will discard them in a heart beat.
As some have already pointed out, every woman has to accept that beauty can only come from within. Every woman has to face the fact that beauty is only skin deep and true beauty comes from the person within. If every woman ignored this, no one could ever deal with aging because everyone gets older and this is something that none of us can stop.
The danger for all of us, both cis gendered and trans, is to buy into this which unfortunately many do particularly the younger generations of today.
Some people spend their whole life trying to achieve the unachievable and at the end, what have they really achieved. More importantly, what have they missed out on along the way.
Do the best you can on the outside to look beautiful for sure, but never, ever ignore the real person that you are on the inside. Most people who will fill your life will appreciate your inner beauty and never really question your outer beauty. Only complete strangers will do this and they are not the ones that will enrich your life and make you feel good about yourself in the long term.
I did the same thing as you for a long while Rosalie, just wearing old clothes and not taking care of myself. I got to 360 lbs and then i finally got some counceling and started to learn to start loving myself, accepting the day right where it was. I get depressed too occasionally looking at myself now and thinking I am not girly enough or cute enough. But then I have more days where i feel confident. Nothing wrong with trying to beautify yourself. I have learned though that a smile with total disregard for peoples judgements and pushing on through with kindness has helped me lots.
my last therapy session , the first thing my therapist said was that I looked pretty. I had on a new flower print dress and fishnet nylon stockings and a hair barrette . Actually its the dress in my avatar.
Quote from: JynxRosalie on May 15, 2015, 04:30:49 AM
I know a large portion of the problem is that I want to look as much like a cisgender girl as possible. This desire has been a core part of my desire to transition, because I hate how I look.
I agree with what everyone has said so far, so I have nothing to add there. But I'll add a word of caution. Often, what makes us transgirls feel pretty -- frilly dresses, lots of makeup, super short mini skirts, etc -- can also get us outed pretty easily.
A 45 year old cis woman with smokey eyes and a short leather mini skirt at 10am on a Thursday is going to attract attention (yes, I'm talking to you lady at the motorcycle shop yesterday). But for them it just attracts attention, and their gender doesn't get questioned.
If your goal is to blend in
and feel pretty, then pay attention to other women your age in your area. I wear skirts and dresses mostly, but I had to figure out
how women my age wear them here in Seattle.
Also, women really do come in all shapes and sizes. You may never be classically beautiful, but with the right style and makeup most of us can be reasonably pretty. It just takes effort...a lot of effort :)
Quote from: jess_oz on May 15, 2015, 11:33:39 AM
Look at what is happening in today's society. How many popular cis women go to extreme lengths with plastic surgeries that leave them looking like hideous freaks once they have taken it that one step too far.
Strangely enough this is exactly along the line of what I was saying in the thread about the necessity of FFS.
We hold ourselves to a standard that really is non standard.
Quote from: iKate on May 15, 2015, 12:11:13 PM
We hold ourselves to a standard that really is non standard.
Once I realized this, I started to notice how different each woman really is. But for some reason I never really knew it before. It's kind of like when you buy a new car and suddenly you're seeing that same car everywhere, but you never noticed them before.
It really took a lot of the pressure off.
I honestly don't care if I look cis or not. That doesn't mean I don't care how I look. I used to hate how I looked. I wore the same boring clothes for as long as possible over and over again. I was fat.
Now I'm always looking to expand my wardrobe. I love having color and fun outfits. My favorite dress constantly gets me a lot of complements. I'm at a much healthier weight now. I see the girl in me starting to emerge and I love her and she's beautiful. I know I'm beautiful and so I don't care if I'm the only one that sees that. I even flirt with myself.
If there's anything is this building more glamorous than me, I want it captured and shot. :laugh:
Go on girl, be as playful and fun loving as you want to be. You have my permission. :-*
Just to be clear: I would love to pass, but if I don't I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. Like I said before I love the way I'm starting to look and while validation is nice it doesn't change the fact that I love the way I look. I would love to pass some day, but I have no intention of going stealth anytime soon if I do. I completely understand someone that wants to pass and the go stealth. I hope you get what you want. For me I feel that I can do some good by staying public.
I appreciate all the replies, and I do understand that I need to be comfortable with myself. I feel that, when I can transition (I live with my family and have a lot of social issues I've talked about before, so I can't do anything right now) I will start feeling a lot better about these things. I'm honestly a little scared that I won't like how I look when I start transitioning. I've been looking at videos of peoples transitions to sort of get a slight idea of what to expect. It's made me feel a little better because I do end up feeling like I would be fine with how they look. I...I've just been obsessing over this a lot. This...desire to look like a girl means a lot to me...The longer I go looking like a male, the more hopeless I start to feel.
Quote from: Miharu Barbie on May 15, 2015, 12:47:10 PM
If there's anything is this building more glamorous than me, I want it captured and shot. :laugh:
Go on girl, be as playful and fun loving as you want to be. You have my permission. :-*
Mirror... mirror on the wall, anyone?
Like you I don't like seeing myself in the mirror or pictures because my face and body just doesn't fit who I feel I should be. When I look at myself in the mirror and think about what I might possibly look like as a woman I usually feel that it could never happen because I would be to hideous to ever really feel good about myself but then I think about how I don't really like how I look and feel now and if I didn't try it I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I keep moving forward with getting my life in order so I can move forward with transition I really want to set myself up for success and become that woman I know I'm supposed to be and take everything that comes with it.
Reading these boards I have found that transition is different for everyone.... Some will need very little to achieve an acceptable level of transition for them while others will need to do a whole lot more to even approach the level of transition they desire. What you need to do for your transition will of course be up to you and may change as time passes but ultimately it's your transition and no one else's so do what you want not what someone else says you can do. This whole process will be scary and seem impossible at times but keep moving forward even when you feel you're getting nowhere and your beating your head against the wall and you will get there.
Quote from: JynxRosalie on May 15, 2015, 05:47:51 PM
I'm honestly a little scared that I won't like how I look when I start transitioning. I've been looking at videos of peoples transitions to sort of get a slight idea of what to expect. It's made me feel a little better because I do end up feeling like I would be fine with how they look. I...I've just been obsessing over this a lot. This...desire to look like a girl means a lot to me...The longer I go looking like a male, the more hopeless I start to feel.
Well, everyone has their look. I never knew what I'd look like either. I tried to mentally imagine my mom and dad combined. I was way off. I actually look a lot like my aunt, according to people I've asked (I showed them a picture with my aunt and my mom and asked them who I looked more like). So you can get an idea by looking at some of your female relatives. BUT don't think you'll look exactly like them. Everyone is unique.
Regina Says:
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