Hi everyone, I'm a long-time lurker here at Susans, but only just now worked up the courage to actually join. I'm 25, a U.S. East-Coaster, and pre-everything FTM hoping fervently to get to the point in my life where I can at least pass on a daily basis.
All my close friends already know and they're all accepting of it. My parents, not so much. They claim to be accepting, but have disregarded my negative feelings towards my birth assignment as a fantasy that I'm expected to get out of my system via therapy.
I've always found trouble putting into words to them in particular what I found distasteful about myself; I've had a huge problem with chest dysphoria since I hit puberty, and attempts to hide this feature by wearing baggy clothing and walking hunched over was always met with anger. When I tried to explain to them that I didn't like my chest, I was told that it was "normal for a girl" to have breasts and that "everyone has something about their body they don't like."
The truth is, when I was little I always expected to grow up to be a man, although in the back of my mind I knew I would go through female puberty, it never really hit me that that would make me a woman. I digress, though, because the truth is that even though I did go through this, I'm still not a woman.
For awhile I identified as bigender, which I was promptly told couldn't be a thing since "physical assignment" is the only determination of gender. Apparently gender is a social construct, which while I agree with on many levels, I perceive that having either of them try and lead their lives as the opposite gender would lead to just as much discomfort as I now feel. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I don't identify as bigender but rather as FTM.
I was told time and time again growing up that I was making too big of a fuss about wearing skirts and dresses; that I was just being immature about it and that I would eventually "have to" do it. My parents responded with anger when I used to end up in tears over having to wear fancy girls' clothes. They used to bribe me by buying me things if I would wear what they wanted.
Anyway I moved in with a friend and have since started trying to pass. No one's gendered me wrong since then...or right - no one's gendered me at all. I'm currently seeking a psychiatrist to possibly see what I can do to start living fulltime as the correct gender.
I love cartoons, space, and video games. I hope to make a few friends here on Susans. Cheers everyone!
Hi Fids, Welcome to Susan's. I'm glad you worked up the courage to actually join. Congrats. Your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
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Welcome to Susan's.
i have to give you props for being courageous enough to be yourself no matter what others think. to me, that is the bravest thing we can do as human beings. i was born female and have always had male tendencies. similarly, i thought that maybe i was just having fun "role playing" and did a pretty good job of repressing it for a long time until i realized there was something called bigender. when i read about it, right there in front of me was everything i had been feeling. when things don't go as they are supposed to, whether in the womb or during rearing it is always complicated and emotional. no one can possibly know how painful this can be for any of us except for us. i know my boyfriend and i are having problems now because i recently came out and he is supportive completely but cannot cope with my male side, which i am identifying with now and have have been for over a month. it's very confusing for both of us so believe me when i say this i understand you. if you need anyone to talk to i am open. thank you for sharing your story. :) <3
Hello Fids and welcome to Susan's.
:)
Welcome, Fids.
Hi Fids :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Thank you all so much for the warm welcome! It's great to find other people who feel the same way as me. You're right when you talk about how it felt like "roleplaying" at first. I used to go to cons, and often wondered why I had so much fun dressing up as the male characters. Whenever I was "pretending" to be male, I always felt the most elated, and then I would have to go back to my sad life of being a girl again. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I've always been more at home when people have acknowledged me as male.
The reason I identified with being bigender initially was because I was biologically female, so I thought that at least part of me still had to identify as female. But looking back on it, there was never a time in my life when I enjoyed being acknowledged as a girl.
Up to this point, I was in denial about being FTM. I didn't want to admit it, for whatever reason, so I gave myself a million other different labels. It's finally coming to terms with myself that I realize I am truly trans. It is at this point that I'm starting to think about transition.
I really appreciate that time that everyone took to read my post and all the friendly replies I received.
Welcome! I was a 25 year old, pre-everything FTM, East-Coaster when I started posting here :) If you're in the mid-Atlantic, feel free to message me about local resources.
Max, I really appreciate it! Actually, I AM in the mid-Atlantic. Pittsburgh, PA. Hoping to find resources close to where I live.
Hi Fids welcome to Susan's
Glad your here with us now, no more lurking... LoL
Really look forward to seeing you about the forums
L Katy :-*