I have always been ambivalent about the idea of breasts. I don't find them aesthetically pleasing so much as appropriate. I never let myself believe that I wanted or even needed to have them as part of my body. When I was young I had a bra and I would stuff it with panties. With a top on, I just looked so right. So I guess boobs became one of my biggest points of self repression. Total denial. I even began to hate them on other women, to be disgusted by them. I suppose that was the envy. When I decided to transition I realized in the back of my mind that it could mean that it could all finally happen. But I tried my best to not think about it, I kept my expectations low.
In the first blush of self acceptance I bought a bra and it was marvelous to wear one again. However, it also didn't feel quite right. Same with a bunch of tops I had purchased. It was like I didn't feel feminine enough to wear them yet. This was all pre hrt. So I decided not to wear the bra again until I needed to.
That day finally came in the middle of last week. I'm a bit over a month and a half on hrt, two plus weeks on a dose double what I started on. At the end of the first month, around week three, they started getting sore, tingly and itchy. My nipples were all of a sudden erect all the time. Since then it has been daily cycles of thise three symptoms and my nipples have increased in diameter by an eighth of an inch a week. It happened around last Wednesday, I had had to do a lot of bending over at work, by the end of the day my chest was in screaming pain. So I asked my friend and roommate if that could be helped by wearing a bra. She said "yup" and also mentioned that she had noticed the growth. So that was it, people could tell and I needed a bra. The next nigh I went online to buy a couple more sports bras and I realized I didn't know if I had a cup size yet. So I found some sites that could calculate that and found out I have reached an A.
The week before, when they first became visible to me, it was in the bathroom mirror, I saw them clear as day. I cried. It was a little intense. I felt relief, joy and saddness all at once. The rest of that day, I struggled to put my feelings in order. I went and sat in the dark for a while, out in my back yard. I was fidgety so I decided to go on a walk. My first late night walk since transitioning. It was an old habbit. As I walked I realized I was upset because I knew that I would never have to be him again. That I had kind of been waiting for the first major step I had taken toward permanent change to take effect. The next day I painted my nails. Now I feel ready to start electrolysis and get my ears pierced. All the tops that hadn't felt right finally fit and I had a bit of a fashion show for myself.
Just as a test I wore tighter clothes to work a couple nights ago and a peson who had never met me before said "hello ladies" as I aproached with the other woman I was there to work with. That was a first. Yesterday I went on a bike ride and I just wore a tank over my bra and a pair of running shorts. I had cars driven by men going out of their ways to let me cross the road. I had men who were first in line in the grocery let me go ahead. There was even a creep who drove slowly behind me as I rode my bike up the street.
Even when someone misgenders me now, on purpose or by accident. Even on my most dysphoric lows, I can now look down and see my breasts and know that I am a woman and that there is no person on this planet that can take that from me. I actually feel comfortable without a shirt on, by myself of course, for the first time in my life. Every day is better now. Even if they never grow again they are big enough. I finally have my girls!
I didn't think it would mean this much to me to have breasts, but it does. I feel more and more feminine every day, more and more me too because even some of my masculine traits feel ok now. It helps too that the rest of my body is starting to change too. My but, hips and thighs have gotten fatter. My face has changed too as has my neck. My friend pointed it out before I could.
Anyway, I just needed to get that out there (bet you thought I would go with "off my chest"?) :) thanks to anyone who reads it.
Awesome Kellam! I feel the same way, have a bad day? Just glance down baby...happy happy!
My first "crying" moment was the first time I was walking outside and saw my shadow...with breasts! "Wow, there's enough there to cast a shadow!" So exciting to watch yourself develop!
I like taking a shower and feeling my breasts
Yes to both of those comments. I caught my shadow in profile on my bike yesterday and it damn near made me giddy. And even the act of shaving my chest hair is better as I do it in the shower. The best is when one brushed against my arm for the first time. I had to remember, oh right there is something there now. I'm having to learn to cary things in new ways too. I love having to re learn how to use my body.
Kellam I'm always moved by your share. Keep inspiring us and keep us posted on your development. Stay beautiful as always xo
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Quote from: Kellam on May 18, 2015, 11:57:57 AM
I love having to re learn how to use my body.
Just crossing my arms is becoming an adventure.
Thanks for you post. It is perfect timing for me. Today I noticed a dull pain in my breasts. I didn't think that There had been any development until this morning when I put on one of my tennis tops. Surprise! It was a lot tighter than it was the last time I wore it, a few weeks ago. It has been almost 4 months on spiro and 1 month on E.
Having my breasts grow has been the single most noticable physical change I've seen in myself. It's also one of the most important for me. It is a real and visable difference in my appearance and one that I have always wanted. When I had glued some forms on previously and could feel them attached to my body I knew I would never be complete until I had my own real life natural ones. I can't wait for my one year mark so I will know what I have naturally and will be able to think about augmentation if needed.
They are like magic.. I love my breasts.. I love wearing low-cut tops to show them off.. its funny sometimes how guys pretend like they are not looking..
Quote from: noleen111 on May 18, 2015, 02:52:04 PM
They are like magic.. I love my breasts.. I love wearing low-cut tops to show them off.. its funny sometimes how guys pretend like they are not looking..
OMG this is so true! I rather like it!!
Breasts are nice. They help me pass quite a lot.
Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! Lovely boobs! Wonderful boobs!
(To the tune of the Spam song!!) ;D
mine have taken a dormant sleep for a month, but in the first 4 months it was magical. They were sensitive and erotic to me just about every day. Then one day i felt the skin on them and I was amazed. Oh my goodness how so snuggly soft they were. I felt like the snuggle bear had put fabric softener inside. :laugh:
Kellam, this is so wonderful! Thank you for sharing!!
Some people may not like it but boobs can establish female privilege and the everything that goes along with it.
Congratulations!
Contrats.. I truly love mine and I love the reflections and shadows as well. Some times I catch myself and in the corner of my eye and I think to myself "Wow that is really me and those are really mine..." I am finding that sleeping can be a real pain *literally*.
Quote from: KarinMcD on May 18, 2015, 12:37:23 PM
Just crossing my arms is becoming an adventure.
This is true.
Quote from: Shawn Sunshine on May 18, 2015, 05:59:16 PM
... Then one day i felt the skin on them and I was amazed. Oh my goodness how so snuggly soft they were. I felt like the snuggle bear had put fabric softener inside. :laugh:
OMG this is so cute. Yay for boobies!
I have wanted boobs since I was 8 or 9. I am sure this is the same for lots of us. I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT THEM AND ALSO KEEP FEELING THEM. Sometimes I just have to check and see if they are still there. I look in a mirror 4 or 5 times a day. I love my boobies!!!!!!!!! I am a solid 42B and hope to get to a C cup.
Sorry I left off I am 55 and been on hormones for the last 14 months.
Quote from: Ms Grace on May 18, 2015, 05:58:33 PM
Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! Lovely boobs! Wonderful boobs!
(To the tune of the Spam song!!) ;D
This!
We're such mixed up balls of emotion sometimes, aren't we? And when it all begins to finally unsnarl and separate out cleanly, it's a relief, a celebration even. :)
Quote from: gretchenTG on May 19, 2015, 03:45:40 PM
I have wanted boobs since I was 8 or 9. I am sure this is the same for lots of us. I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT THEM AND ALSO KEEP FEELING THEM. Sometimes I just have to check and see if they are still there. I look in a mirror 4 or 5 times a day. I love my boobies!!!!!!!!! I am a solid 42B and hope to get to a C cup.
Yes! I have never spent so much time looking at myself or touching myself. It is almost embarrassing!
And thanks for all the congratulations and lovely comments.
Quote from: LizMarie on May 19, 2015, 03:59:37 PM
This!
We're such mixed up balls of emotion sometimes, aren't we? And when it all begins to finally unsnarl and separate out cleanly, it's a relief, a celebration even. :)
Quote from: Ms Grace on May 18, 2015, 05:58:33 PM
Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! Boobs! Lovely boobs! Wonderful boobs!
(To the tune of the Spam song!!) ;D
It is a celebration! And thanks Ms Grace for forever changing the Spam song for me!
Boobs are pretty neat. Lol I'd have to say that out of all the stuff that I've done, getting a BA was the stand out thing that helped me be confident as a woman. :) Best part too: the girls are so perky and they fit my body type so well, that I hardly wear a bra! :D