Susan's Place Transgender Resources

The transgender people reported about in the media often fit a particular narrative (always knew they were a woman/man, hated their body, wanted dolls/trucks, refused to wear gender-typical clothing, etc.). We know here, of course, that almost none of us fit all those characteristics and there is considerable variety in how we experience our gender. But how widespread are these variations? In what ways did you fit the standard narrative.

i actually can't answer this because o played with both sets of toys though i hung out with females and never once had a male friend

I played with toys of both genders (although I preferred "boy" toys) and had friends of both genders, the biggy for me was depression starting at around the age of 15.

Yeah, a lot of the narrative does not fit me. There definitely is a lot more to it that what the "standard narrative" suggests. We're all different.

For me, it was a lot more insidious and didn't show itself in the obvious things people think of. I still did some things like play with gendered toys and dress up, but it was never a big deal. The over-arching signs to me were feelings of detachment and lack of gender identity (as in not really feeling or identifying with anyone around me), and that just kept growing after puberty.

They were all things that were easily hidden from the outside world, but something really didn't feel right deep down.

It'll be interesting to see more responses.

:) - Sam

It's an interesting way to frame the concept. 

I think the variations are widespread, but I wonder how and why they might cluster.  I suspect that for all but the little kids who insist on their gender openly from their earliest years that any clustering is based on reaction patterns and conformity.  Enforced conformity might be a larger theme for a 20-something transitioner, for example, where it was forced through adolescence, whereas reaction-based issues may predominate among older transitioners.  What I DON'T believe is that intensity is necessarily any different.  Rather, that a lot of things both individual and social converge to twist individuals' gendered lives into knots.

There are all kinds of psychological reaction patterns - repression, suppression, dissonance, etc.  And the issues they foster are all over the place too.  Depression, adjustment problems, hyper-aggression (and conversely, aversion), personality disorders, OCD, and ...

My story is mostly about suppression and to a lesser extent, dissonance.  Things that fit the standard narrative for me are episodic crossdressing back to pre-school years, a preference for female friends, very strong identification with females, a disastrous psychological and behavorial train-wreck in my teenage years, and the strong feeling I was transsexual starting in my teen years. 

Non-standard elements:  While I was female identified when VERY young (3 or so, perhaps ... hard to say, though I remember this), it was essentially buried shortly thereafter.  I had a preference for girl's play up to my teen years, but wouldn't go there ... except in private, which I did when my sisters were out of the house (i.e., with their stuff).  And GOD did I want to dress in my elementary school years, but rarely did.  Dissonance kicked in early.  I really wanted to be a nun for the longest time when I was a kid for example, and it never occurred to me that I could not.  Very weird, but suppression kicked in more viciously later in life.  As an episodic crossdresser, I purged literally every time I dressed.  Couldn't stop it.  Zoned out doing it.  Beat myself up after then purged.  And then put it completely and totally out of my mind.  Over the years I became progressively more depressed and angry, isolated, and destructive.  I had a meltdown a few years ago when the real issue finally came out and that was that. 

Short version - I'm hypersensitive.  In childhood that triggered the early *desire* to conform, then a hyper-reaction in adolescence.  Full-on suppression through my adulthood created progressively greater tension until I broke. 

That doesn't exactly fit the "knew since birth" narrative.  I did - and didn't.  I knew sometimes.  Sometimes definitely, sometimes I suspected.  Occasionally I even remembered.  Rather than the standard narrative's conformity hiding reality bubbling right below the surface, mine is closer to reality being imprisoned in the very center of my being where it lay nascent.  I compartmentalized my life, and in the process had no real life as myself.  This is also why I typically describe myself as having a female identity rather than a woman's.  I feel again in a very particular respect, and quite strongly, exactly how I felt in childhood.  And I'm dismayed at the loss and damage in between.

[edit] I cross-posted with the reply above.  On lack of identity - yes!  With my real identity so thorougly buried that it only came out episodically, the rest of the time I was ADAMANT that I am NOT a man. 

I align to all except the Deep depression and suicidal, but I did get some anxiety attacks, but managed them through.

The only slight variation, I was in a family of 3 brothers, so playing with toys associated with my Identified Gender was a few and far between event, only when I played with my neighbour (Saturdays mainly) and my cousin, once in a while... that really sucked... but its what it was. However playing with them I always played the nurse or damsel in distress roles... funny that... hmmm

Its fascinating the way we put up barriers and a stance to protect our inner-selves, I had to conform, never changed my internal thought processes, but over time created a quiet but bulletproof shell... I guess at some point we all hit that "I really can't do it anymore"

L Katy  :-*

I probably follow along with it for the most part except for the wanting to play with toys and activities of my identified gender. Outside of a lot of dressup as a kid, I stuck mostly to science and construction type toys like the erector set.

I was oblivious to gender as a child. I somehow didn't even realise that there was an anatomical difference between people until being taught about puberty so I thought whether you were called a "girl" or a "boy" was just arbitrarily based on presentation, I guess. I was friends with both girls and boys, and I played with whatever toys I felt like. Although I now identify as mostly male, I really liked wearing dresses and stuff as a kid. So, had I been cis, I would still have been gender non-conforming. But, at around 8 years old the gender divide between the other kids began intensifying and that was when I started to become really uncomfortable, along with the physical changes that I really didn't want. I think I really realised that I wasn't a girl (or at least didn't want to be) at around age ten, but it didn't sink in or become real to me until I learned what ->-bleeped-<- was ten years later. So I don't think I really followed a standard narrative at all.

At 8 to 12, I played aussie rules, which is now not uncommon for girls these days.
I was short, thin and loved horses, I wanted to be a jockey, again, not uncommon for girls these days.
I never wanted a doll, but i did play with them every chance i got with my female cousins.

these days, I'm as straight up female as you could get,

It's an interesting question to think about, and complicated. Certainly I'm dissatisfied with the prevailing historical view of binary genders in Western culture, especially with its patriarchal bias that privileges what are considered to be male traits and denigrates traits that are thought to be feminine. It caused me a lot of anguish, discomfort and shame when I was growing up. As a result I tried very hard to suppress the part of me that wanted to do more feminine things -- like sometimes play with dolls or use my sister's fashion plates set. Also understand that I certainly loved lots of boy-oriented activities, like baseball and football, going fishing and more.

One thing I can say which I didn't like but was considered feminine, but I often did quite easily, was crying. It was horrible because if there's one thing that can get you picked on for as a young boy, it's crying. I don't know what it is, but I cry easily when I feel hurt, angry, ashamed, etc. Oh I hated that. And it didn't help any that I was about the smallest boy in my class and rather intelligent. So, as a defense mechanism, I tried to suppress as much as possible what seemed to be feminine and tried to be as much of a boy as I could be.

There was very little welcoming space around me for my feminine aspect and there wasn't much left inside of me either. But she never went away. She may have buried deeply into the darker corners of the mind, but on the other hand, she manifested in other ways -- struggles with serious depression, one suicide attempt which will maybe not directly related to the suppression of the feminine me, struggles that were certainly exacerbated by it, my love for the beautiful ways women can dress themselves (skirts, scarfs, shoes, shawls and dresses). That love was so strong that a few times in the days before online shopping I went and bought a few items over the years. I also purged them during some of the worst depressions. And the dreams. I would always have dreams where I was the feminine me, although when I was severely depressed, those dreams were often anguished and bitter or nightmares.

On the other hand, while all of the above was difficult, I do think it helped me become aware easier and quicker than many cisgender men how much valid criticism feminists make of culture and gender roles. If the two roles were held to be equal, there would be far less difficulty and social stigma for those who don't fit neatly into the traditional cisgender framework. But obviously here in the US we're still in a culture that favors men. Not as much as was done so 100 years ago or even 10 years ago, but it still does. That framework appears to be crumbling and I hope it does so.

I've veered away some from the original question, but that's what the question made me think about with this idea of a standard narrative. Yes, I'm quite sure there are many for whom that the realization their body doesn't match their gender is quick and certain. But for some of us others, it's not so certain or quick. I don't know what would have happened to me had I grown up in a culture where both genders were regarded as equal and a culture where a child could play however they want to play with fear of it being the wrong kind of play for the societal expectations developed around the physical forms. I'm quite sure that if I had grown up in a more enlightened culture, I would have more greatly developed my feminine aspect and personality. And maybe having done so would have resulted in me choosing to start hormone therapy and eventual surgical treatment to be the woman side of me. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have been satisfied to exist in an in-between state, one where maybe some days when I felt strongly feminine, I would dress in skirts and blouses, and other days just dress like a man.

There's a lot think about with the question that was asked. How much is inherent and how much is culture? How much do those 2 influence the other? The answers aren't certain to me.

I only committed to really trying hard to live as my assigned gender when I had a baby. I knew it wasn't right for me to be a woman, but I enjoyed pregnancy and breastfeeding and I feel like that makes me some kind of alien.

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
I always knew I wanted to be a girl and for a time I believed, "Tomorrow I'll be a girl."  Tomorrow never came.
As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
As a child I played with whatever toys there were but mostly I liked toys that allowed me to build things
I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
I dressed as a girl as often as I could as long as the chances of getting caught were almost zero
I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
I never really thought about it when I was a child but at that same time I hoped and prayed I would grow breasts when I came into puberty, or sooner would have been good too  :)
I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
As I tried to be accepted as one of the girls but was rejected, I always felt very uncomfortable around girls. Guys were easier to gain acceptance with.
I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
The only thing I knew about "sex change" was what was spun around the Christine Jorgensen case.  I just prayed to God to do the surgery.
I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
I was always okay with the fact I was different, as long as it was kept a secret.  I knew it wasn't me that had the problem but I also knew if anyone knew I would the one to suffer.
I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
No doubt, my body is in conflict with my brain, even after GRS, FFS and BA.

Quote from: suzifrommd on May 18, 2015, 08:06:32 PM
The transgender people reported about in the media often fit a particular narrative (always knew they were a woman/man, hated their body, wanted dolls/trucks, refused to wear gender-typical clothing, etc.). We know here, of course, that almost none of us fit all those characteristics and there is considerable variety in how we experience our gender. But how widespread are these variations? In what ways did you fit the standard narrative.

I never like "Hated" my body (aka genitalia). There are LOTS of other things wrong with it beyond that. The dangly bits were the least of my problems. Even a lot of fun at times.

"Resigned to my fate" pretty much describes my narrative, even today. A semi invalid wife, fun job, mortgage. I try to survive. In an ideal world I'd transition in a flash. Not so sure about GCS.

A lot of how I see myself has changed over the decades. Today I am at a place where these two great aspects of myself are certainly not in conflict, but peacefully coexist. I know I am the odd duck in my support group. Yet am also admired by some for being able to find peace (mostly)

I didn't know since my earliest memories. In fact, I remember exactly when it started... puberty. Right around the middle of 7th grade, a few months after I turned 13.

I never played with stereotypically-feminine toys as a kid. I actually hated them because they were "girly." My female friends were all of the more tomboyish variety. (Side note: I hated super-masculine toys too, so I've always been more in the middle in terms of interests)

I didn't cross-dress. I tried once, but it did nothing but make me feel depressed because of how awful it looked on me. My only real clothing-related battle was that I really wanted the ability to wear shorter shorts like I used to in grade school without being made fun of.

I never had problems with boys socially. Even though my absolute singular closest friend in childhood was a girl, a vast majority of my friends were boys. And I really didn't have a problem with that. I had a secret club called the Wildcats with four boys, made a series of comic books with two boys, and my best high school friend is a guy.

The rest is pretty typical, but I'm definitely a later-onset trans person who wasn't at all super-effeminate as a child, I always sorta straddled a line between typical guyish behavior and more gender-nonconforming ones.

Also, even though I was a bit depressed, not to the degree that is "typical" where it dominated my life. Mostly it was just a long lingering annoyance that I was mostly able to ignore and be happy in spite of it.

Looks like there are only a few partial deviants here.

Quote from: marsh monster on May 18, 2015, 09:17:12 PM
I probably follow along with it for the most part except for the wanting to play with toys and activities of my identified gender. Outside of a lot of dressup as a kid, I stuck mostly to science and construction type toys like the erector set.

ditto

Too bad the poll can only aggregate the replies---we really want to know which options are being ticked by each person.

Personally, the only one I can tick is "want/wanted surgery." The first one might apply, but until recently I did not think about gender in that sort of way. I knew I would be happier and more comfortable in a female body, and certainly prayed (despite my deeply held atheism) that I would wake up one day as a girl. But the idea that one's gender identity and body could be separated was not something that I understood until recently.

I'm not even slightly inclined to tick any of the others, though.

Edit: well, maybe the last one (wrong body), but not really---I felt ok in the body I have, it just had the wrong junk.

I am far from meeting the ISO standard trans* narrative.  I went along with the flow mostly all of my life pretending to be my assigned at birth gender while knowing there was something really different with my gender.  Parts of my personality are really repressed/supressed.  I didn't get a doll until after I was over 30.  I have cross dressed for years, privately.  It is only in the last two years I have done any in public.  The one I fit best with is depression.

Each of us is unique!


Erin

I don't fit the advertised/textbook trans-narrative either. I identify with a lot of the variations already mentioned by others. Something else I'll add is that I don't have particularly strong genital dysphoria. My dysphoria has centered mostly on secondary sex characteristics.  I wanted to grow up to have breasts. I didn't like body hair, and I was ashamed of sprouting facial hair. Etc, etc.

Growing up is weird enough while having a strong concept of biological sex and psychosocial gender. Without it, ->-bleeped-<- was damn confusing. Lol It took me until high school to realize the subtle variations biological differences between the sexes. That's also when I realized that I wish I had been born female. Since I was "male", I resigned myself to my fate(as someone else posted) since I didn't think transition was something I coukd do. Mostly because I had no clue what it entailed... I didn't even know if I was a candidate for it because I didn't know the criteria. I had the dysphoria, but without having others to talk to or established trans-role models locally or in the media, I had no idea if my experience was unique, typical, transsexualism, cross dressing, a sexual thing, or what. Add on top of that the guilt and shame that the WASP culture around here taught me, my narrative was disadvantaged from the start. Lol

So, after complaining about all that, I'll end on a positive note! I love myself, I'm loving my body more and more as it becomes aligned with the biological sex I feel authentically represents my psyche, I'm loving life, and I'm loving the people in it much more than I ever did before social a D biological transition. :)

I sure didn't know anything growing up other then I was a shy and sensitive kid that better hide that or get beat up. Wasn't till puberty that I had any slight thought that I was gender different and then again it was only slight. Fast forward to my mid teens/early 20s I fantasized about being a girl but with current information that I knew it just seemed like It was just a dream that could never be.

As for dressing up hell yes but as far as my body is gross no its what I was born with and on that note do I feel born in the wrong body no it just happens to need some redecorating.

As for toys and activities I didn't play with dolls but I would rather play board/card games then throw a ball around. Which comes to feeling uncomfortable around assigned sex in a way I was comfortable yet 9 times out of 10 I didn't relate to them very well so sorta uncomfortable.

All I can figure at this point for me is I was brought up to be ashamed to be a sissy or get beat up for it so I dare not show this. Took me till my teens to try clothes and not so long ago realized the possibility of yes that is me yet depressed anxiety whatever of wait me is a girl.

Don't fit the narrative very well at all yet in parts I do but then again aren't we all human and unique not set to certain criteria but perhaps a generalization there of.

Ok off topic who can use a map and or when driving use landmarks over a map? I thought it was normal to use landmarks or get lost not exactly male female thing eh guess learn some things and in ways I am sure we are all a mix more in the middle then CIS. Just have to find the right balance:) Honestly I have looked at my traits/thoughts/feelings and how they add up to as typical male/female/neither and whether right or wrong way to decide I keep coming up with the same darn answer I was born male but my mind is more female but not totally. Am I trapped no not exactly right body just needs some alterations. If that makes me a women then so be it I would be proud to be a woman.

Sorry for the slightly off topic ramble to a very good do I fit in narrative thingy!:)

warning: it's time for Alex to irrelevantly ramble some more! yay! ::) haha

because I'm just that much of a douchebag (:P) I'm gonna go over each of the things listed and sort of elaborate on my experience, because some of these kinda fit but are still different from my experiences and this isn't exactly a "check yes or no" thing for me.

for clarification, I'm still trying to figure out my identity. I'd say at the moment I'm most comfortable referring to myself as a non-binary trans guy though.


I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
Not really? I never felt 100% female, and I always kind of fantasized about living as a dude, but I didn't actually start to explore my gender identity/realize I was trans until I was maybe 13 or 14.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender.
I was one of those kids who would play with My Little Ponies and play house but would also play with Hot Wheels and toy dinosaurs, go out and kick around a soccer ball, and have "Demolition Derbies". But honestly more than anything I was just incredibly creative and spent a large amount of my time writing, drawing, and making music... and playing video games :P

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could.
I remember this one button-up shirt I had when I was maybe six, and I thought it made me look pretty androgynous, and maybe even a little masculine and because of that I loved that shirt to death. It made me look less girly, and I never really liked looking girly anyways. I had no brothers, and not even any male cousins, and my parents always bought me exclusively girls clothes so I couldn't really try crossdressing or anything. But I loved the more gender-neutral items of my wardrobe, and pretty much lived in sweatpants and jeans :P

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth.
Not disgusted necessarily, but I always just found it to be... a bit weird? I spent a lot of time thinking about how cool it would be to have "guys parts".

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth.
In elementary school, I never really got along with girls that well. Maybe it was just that we never properly clicked, that our interests were different or something, but I just couldn't make/keep many female friends. My primary group of friends was a bunch of dudes, and I actually felt like one of them. It was amazing, because it was like my gender didn't matter. I was accepted with them, and at the time I was obviously looking pretty female and they knew me as "she", but I felt like I belonged with them. In middle school and further on I started to make some female friends (some of my best friends now are girls!) but I still don't really feel like one of the girls, if that makes sense.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender.
I used to fantasize about getting a surgery to give me a, well... shama-lama-ding-dong. :P And when puberty hit I was always wishing, not necessarily for surgery, but just for some way to not make the whole chest-development thing happen. I don't think surgery's something I'll consider anytime soon, but maybe farther in the future.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender.
I've struggled with body image issues, anxiety, and self harm since I was like 7. And by the time I was 13 I was dealing with all that stuff, paranoia, what's probably depression of some sort, and suicidal thoughts. I don't know if it's due to my gender identity or something completely different, since mental illness is pretty deeply imbedded in my genetics. More recently though I have had panic attacks and moments of suicidal ideation because of dysphoria.

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body.
Maybe? Kind of? I don't really know. Not necessarily trapped, but definitely I do tend to feel disconnected from my body.

I left "I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could" and "I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender" unchecked.

While my mom tried to make me dress in girl's clothes, she wasn't forcing me to wear dresses or skirts. I think she did it to prevent me getting bullied but of course I didn't see it that way. I just thought it was plain stupid and I didn't want girly clothes. I wanted camo pants and hoodies, and luckily I sometimes got just that.

And somehow I have managed to avoid mental health problems. No idea how. Sure, I felt crappy about my body and so on but I've seen what depression is and I knew I didn't have that.

Quote from: marsh monster on May 18, 2015, 09:17:12 PM
I probably follow along with it for the most part except for the wanting to play with toys and activities of my identified gender. Outside of a lot of dressup as a kid, I stuck mostly to science and construction type toys like the erector set.

very much the same here. It took me a while...at least until 4th grade to even begin to realize that I wasn't as "rough and tumble" as the other boys. It took still a bit longer to conceive myself as being more like the girls. I loved my legos and erector set.  But that was also a time when there was really no such conception of transgender. But I can recall bouts with my sister because of my borrowing of her barbie doll at about the same time. I apparently even looked like a little girl since I was mistaken for one on several occasions. But I guess I repressed that, partly because of my mother's vehement corrections on those occasions when I was perhaps, in retrospect, correctly being addressed as a girl.  Slowly then I began to, at least, begin to identify within myself a strong feminine nature.

I could probably check off each one of those but the degree to which I felt those ways or did them varies. It would be nice if there was a way to make a poll that had a 0 to 10 scale.

Contravene I think ya hit the nail on the head really. I too could probably say the same for most of the questions at least. It the varying degree of each in that we are all different so we all view the questions different therefor get a different degree of an answer.

One thing I read about toys is not the toy itself but how the child plays with the toy can make a difference too. Some of which is how they are thinking cant be totally realized by an observer so in a way what then does that toy represent to the child. Yet of course some ways can viewed such as a child playing with 2 toy cars. Boy takes 2 cars and crashes them together a lot. Girl races them. This of course is out of my head not from any science paper so might be off but does show a difference in not the toy but the mental state of the child. Really just one thing in the many things that make up who we are so not the total picture only the person really knows that sometimes.

Ha ha ha, yes, I am a deviant!! >:-) too.

I have found the standard narratives and the history of elite care for transgender people to have been a major detriment to understanding myself.  It felt to me that there were gender rules being applied since day one.  Like others my sense of being female was repressed and crushed over and over again but my shadow self remained until I came all the way out into the sunshine.  It is that very persistence of gender identity that finally won.

I had an older brother try and keep me a boy while my older sister named me Tessa and played with me as her sister.  Going to school was horrible and I was isolated most of my young life with few friends other than a younger brother.  The three guys I did later have as friends were constantly knocking each other around about being male.  Rough housing that I would not join and struggling to prove something got way tedious.

Comprehensive psychological and medical care for us is relatively recent in the USA with a past history that simply excluded anyone that did not fit a very restrictive narrative.  My attempts to find resources and transition in the early 90s was a frustrating failure and the few transgender people I knew seemed so messed up that I did not relate at all.  Cross dressing too often felt like a humiliating reminder of how far I was from the shadow girl I felt inside.

For me it was, and is, the continuing binary narrative with emphasis on gender roles from which I most deviate.  There is a continuing drum beat of "proofs that suggest I am a man or woman" that we hear about.  Playing with gendered toys or how we dress and urinate does not, IMO, say anything conclusive about gender identity.  I certainly have my own stereotypes about what is feminine and masculine.  I love long hair but does that make a short haired person less girly?

We are such fabulously unique and complex beings that the standard narrative will always be insufficient and wanting.

I deviated from the standard narrative enough that when I investigated the possibility of being trans* back in 2002/2003, I came away thinking "no, I can't be. I'm too androgynous," despite persistently wanting to have been a girl for years beforehand. Looking back now, I want to scream at how focused the standard narrative is on gender expression at the expense of gender identity. Had I had better information back then, I might have been able to do something about this years sooner, rather than wasting my twenties being depressed and not knowing why.

This is always such an interesting quandary for me, because in some ways I fit the narrative, and in others I don't. I always had this innate desire to be more feminine, but I never understood where it was coming from. I played with makeup and let girls paint my nails whenever they wanted. I always felt like I didn't fit in with the guys, and now that I look back on it, the fact that all of my friends were and are girls - literally - should have been a big clue... But I've never really felt like I am trapped "in the wrong body". I mean, this is my body, so... I just feel like I am taking steps to adapt it to suit me best. The further I get into transition, the more I realize little clues that I was giving myself all along, if that makes sense.

I had always known I wasn't the gender I was assigned at birth and the fact I was intersexed and that resulted in issues with the body only resulted in a constant reminder of why I was different from CIS people. Hugs
Mariah

Interesting results, and not at all what I would have expected.

The childhood and behavioral items seem to affect less than have the respondents each. The strongest item was the physical. We're more likely to want a body that's in line with our gender.

I would have thought it to be the other way around.

The physical dysphoria seems to be more widespread.

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth

As a child I had no concept that sex and gender were separate. One thing I did know though is that I felt like I should have been a girl. This has been a consistent feeling going back to my earliest memories as a child.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender

I wanted dolls and other girls toys but my parents wouldn't let me have them. I wanted to learn sewing and crafts and I was highly discouraged from doing so. I was curious about home ec, but going to all boys schools it was never offered to me.

I must point out that as a child I engaged in more educational activities including using our computer and building electronics kits. I also played chess.


I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could

This I did to a very high degree. I also took serious risks of being caught. Nobody knew and nobody found out. Almost nobody I should say. Mom caught me a few times and my dad's cousins pretended I was a girl many times.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth

I can't say I was disgusted with my penis all that much although one time I did try to cut it off. I was just disgusted at the bulge.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth

Oh god yes. I had very few friends in school and I went to all boys schools. I couldn't stand rough boys play.


I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender

I do now but I've always been scared of surgery and up until recently, doctors.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender

Yes and I even attempted to kill myself a good few times.

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body

Yes.

I would say I'm mostly typical. However, because of society the way it was when I was little I never could have explored my gender identity fully.

Most comfortable ticking none of the boxes.  Which the poll sees as not an answer and so doesn't display any of the results.  I like the long form format, though...

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
Nope.  Like iKate, I didn't understand the difference between gender and sex.  By age 11 I was really clear in knowing I'd got the wrong birth sex.  But it would still be a long time before I encountered enough trans information to understand I'd been misgendered.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
Nope.  Anne Vitale talks about this some in her book The Gendered Self: Further commentary on the transsexual phenomenon.  For what she calls G3 individuals---short for group 3, which I fall into---it's typical to pursue what I'd paraphrase as gender neutral play.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
Nope.  Only child with a mother who does shirts and pants like a guy, so no clothes access.  I did order some more gender non-conforming stuff at one point (this was way before the internet) but was so sensitive about it I attracted a lot of parental questions, which in turn meant it went nowhere.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
Disgusted, only very rarely.  Unhappy with, yes.  Wishing I had a gender appropriate body, yes.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
Uncomfortable, sometimes.  Very uncomfortable, in abusive or threatening situations sure.  But fortunately that wasn't always the case.  Unsurprisingly, I ended up in the usual Other Clique and hence managed to find some same sex friends who were also non-normative enough it worked out.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
I grew up in what Katy's aptly called the dark ages.  As a kid what little I knew of surgery wasn't particularly successful compared to current techniques and I had no access to information about HRT.  What I wanted was the results offered by blockers and HRT at onset of puberty.  I was just about 25 years too early.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
Probably, but it's kind of hard to tell.  Depression and suicide, yes, with some unhappiness from gender-sex mismatch.  However, the cause of those was abuse and ostracization which is at most ambiguously trans related.  Non-conforming related, yes, but it's difficult for me to pick out a specific gender component.  Post-traumatic/psychogenic/dissociative amnaesia's part of that (pick your flavour).

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
Wrong body, yes.  Trapped, no.  Now, with a pathway open to transition, not at all.  As a child in a family with definite opinions about sex assigned roles I would say I was trapped in a pattern of behaviour.  I knew what I wanted wasn't allowed but there wasn't an option I could see to do any differently.

I WAS the standard narrative in the 1960s & 70s - if I hadn't been, I wouldn't have survived and had SRS in 1974!

Sorry if this goes on too much. Lots of folks have already answered with many great comments. Thought I would add too.

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
I didn't think in those terms. I just always knew and was told I was different, doesn't fit in, doesn't play well with others very sensitive.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
Few toys but more taking toys I had and creating stories and situations around them. Not just blowing up JI Joes but borrowing my sister's Barbie and Kens and creating a story.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
As someone else posted, only when I was 95-100% sure I wouldn't get caught(I was even wrong there a few times). So not very much.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
Disgusted may be too strong a term. Like a few others, I enjoyed sexual activity but never liked my genitals. I hated how they felt as I moved around. Still do, I have taken to tucking nearly 100% of the time.  Oddly it horrified me that others named them- when I found that out, I assumed everyone felt disconnected.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
I did not feel that as a child. I felt more of that since puberty.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
May not happen. I am happily married but would so love to have everything insync, mind and body.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
I have felt this all my life but till recently did not realize everyone didn't. I just thought I was an "old soul" with a dark secret. To add the the dark aspect, I have carried a pocket knife since I was 12(inherited and use it as a tool-just part of my time of growing up). Somewhere in my teens, when I felt freaked out, I would sometimes balance an open blade lengthwise on a vein. It was like a way I had of calming down. I knew that very few pounds of pressure was all it would take. I have since stopped doing that but the thought is almost like mind over matter and the result is usually the same.

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
I do feel trapped now, but more because of how much time has passed. I previously just felt like I occupied someone else's body (I have used the term controlling a puppet).

I think we all have come to realize there are more parts to the narrative that don't seem to have been recognized yet. I hope enough research brings more things to light. When I first started exploring this, I had problems because I thought I didn't fit the criteria close enough.

With loving thoughts,

Joanna

Hi I was born in 1946 in the Black Hills of South Dakota into a family where social visiting was the only form of communications.   In my family, my parents' bedroom was off limits and they keep almost all of their personal items in their bedroom.   I was the oldest child.   In my neighborhood, there were very few other children my age to play with.   Unusually only one or two kids.  In my preschool years, I had my brother who was two years younger and one other girl and one other boy.   We mostly played outside. 

I never even thought about rather I was a girl or a boy and I had no access to any girl's clothing.  I was always a quite shy guarded child who in the classroom pictures I have seen was just there sitting off to one side and never projecting much of a personality.

About every five years I moved finding myself in an entirely new and not so new places so I spent most of my life just trying to figure life out and adapt to it without inserting any personality into it.

  I was just a doer and not a thinker except for being self-conscious about myself.   Many of the activities I was involved in would have been considered to be boyish activities or tomboyish activities.   But, I was near-sighted and one eye was stronger than the other so my judgment of distances was off and when trying to catch anything I only saw it clearly when it got close to me.  Now in running around in the Black Hills I only needed to see no farther than the next tree and they tended to be three to five feet apart and there were a lot of trees.   

Looking back I had a lot of very girlish attributes.   I was careful about myself, and not brash and outgoing as young boys may be and the farther I got from my house the more I felt it pulling me back to itself.  I had one other girl to play with but remember only being inside her house once for a tea party where I felt really awkward and we never had any inside free play together and my brother and the other kid a little bit younger than me kept trying to ditch me in the woods behind our homes.   We lived on a hillside beside a highway.  There were four houses on our side of the road. 

There were also a row of houses of Grizzly Gulch, but I was too timid to venture up the road much at four to five years old, even though my mother let me cross to highway to visit another friend that I never found who lived on the other side.   His mom said he was playing with friends up the Gulch, but I never found him because I was too timid to venture too far off the dirt road running up the Gulch.   

We moved to another city about forty miles or so away where I was a suburb dweller in Rapid City, SD in South Canyon for the next three years.   Now I navigated streets which were more on the grid pattern rather than up a mountainside beside a highway.   Again I just was.  I had a baby sister now who was six years younger than me, but still no access to girl's toys or clothing yet.   

Well, you kind of get the picture.   I just lived as I was it didn't matter if I was a girl or a boy, I could have been either.   I was attracted to pretty girls but never had any close friends while I lived there.  The only kids I knew in my neighborhood were a couple of boys who lived across the street whom we ran in the nearby fields with.   

Of course, I needed to see more than five feet in front of me now.   So much of my life got fuzzier.    I was clumsy so I had problems jumping rope with the girls and my eyesight interfered with most of the baseball and other ball games most boys were successful at.   And as far as winning goes, while I wanted to win, I was more of a girl about it,  because when I felt my opponent's need to win,  like any female in the 1950s I surrendered my need to win to his.  The only boy I was competitive with was my brother when it came to physical battles I wouldn't let him beat me. 

After third grade, I moved again back to Deadwood where I lived on a street that sloped up the side of Deadwood Gulch near the library, my school, and downtown.   I got my mountain to play on again and a street with only one other person my age another girl and my brother.   We played mostly outside when we played together and that was in the warmer nonsnowy months.

I could play imaginary games with my electric train and toy soldiers because I didn't have any girl toys to play with and I never bought any girl things with my paper route money.   But, on the other hand, I did not do anything that a girl couldn't do is she wanted to.  I bought pop, candy, comic books, and plastic model WWII models and went to movies.   I was a plain Jane and never showy.

Most of the world outside my house was so adult that I never ventured into it.   Mostly I ventured into the dime store, a small grocery store, one drug store, and the movie theater.   I was just a shy little girl and not an adventuresome boy.   As far as buying things that were girlish, I was just too shy and girlish. 

I was in cub scouts and boy scouts and went to campouts and summer camps,  but I was very self-contained and had more of a girlish approach to things.  I tried to do things,  I failed,  I felt bad that I was not as good as the boys were,  I didn't give up, but I never figured out how to succeed enough to be happy with myself.

When puberty hit me when I was twelve going on thirteen it was strange.   My dad was away getting medical treatment for cancer and I was left to deal with it myself.   When the male urges hit me, I had no idea how a girl was different from a boy, being terribly naive and sheltered at the time.  I was very self-conscious and felt  guilty about masturbating and this made me want to do it even more.  And I tried to hide it, but my brother shared my room and it smells. 

There was no look at what I've got and I gotta get me a girl there-there.  I started fantasizing about being that girl, whatever that meant.  Yes,  I had seen my mother pregnant when I was six, but I never thought about it at all.   I started feeling that I would make a better Dale Evans than a Roy Rodgers.   

Well, the Dale Evens and the Marilyn Monroe in me hid for a very long time and only in fantasies.

My dad died, and we moved to a small prairie South Dakota town.  I had a new dad and a baby brother on the way and a new world to figure out.   One improvement I finally got glasses.   And I had another failure at being a male.  I had never used a gun and had only gone hunting once.  My stepdad came from a large family with 16 boys and two girls.   He had absorbed all he knew from his large family.  He couldn't understand why I was a terrible shot and had no hunting sense.  I had been a failure at the other male sport of fishing for a long time.  He was a big fisherman,  and I was a failure.   He never put me down, but I could just feel his emotional judgment.  I guess being perceptive to the emotions of other was another girlish trait and I usually had a passive girlish response to my perceptions. 

I moved to a big city suburb school in West Fargo, ND for about 6 months and then wound up in a North Dakota prairie town of about 1,500 people a few miles north of Lake Sacagawea where I went to high school with kids many of which families knew each other for a couple of generations, making me a real new kid in town.  My stepdad became one of the town barbers and was a veteran of WWII so he fit in and created a niche for my family in the community which is what you really need to fit in.  I lived the boy lie but even though I went out for football and basketball and wrestling, only in wrestling was I really a participant only because they did not have enough people on the team to fill all the weight classes.  I was won 0 lose 14, but most were decisions and not pins.  I was 145 and wrestling 154 and 165 weight classes.  I lacked the male desire to beat my opponent.  My brother was a winner.  Now if all my opponents were my brother,  then it might have been another story.

I guess the question was,  Was I atypical individual or not.  College and the Congregational church made me a thinker and school teaching meant that I could not be a wall flower.  I lived as a dyke, but I was too effeminate in how I looked at the world to be successful as one or I would have been more successful as a male because of the drive to be masculine which I didn't have.    I only succeeded in not being called a sissy even though I was picked on.   I was pitiful as a puncher and much better at taking my opponent down and sitting on them.   I just stood toe to toe and glared back into my opponent's eyes while clutching my fists until the cavalry came.   While my opponent was trying to make me take the first punch, which was incapable of at the time.

Over time, Michelle peeked out of her turtle shell and finally seven years ago moved out into the world full time. 

I feel that if I had been more masculine I would have had more female things to play with and wear, but I was so much like a girl of that age, that I just tried to fit in and not rock the boat, so I made do with what I had the courage to buy.  When I played with my soldiers I would set them up in competing armies and knock them down with marbles or other things, but I wasn't destructive of them.   I thought about throwing firecrackers at them on the Fourth of July but never did.   So maybe I did boyish things with a girlish attitude and that is how I coped with being a transsexual female.    When I taught school I taught elementary school and was just another female among all the other females, even if that is not now the other women teachers saw me.

But with a final thought it is probably my coping skills and still being that shy apprehensive little girl has kept me away from taking hormones or finding away to have surgery.   Though I have no specifically boy clothes, except my shoes because my feet are female size 15 and the fact that I have diabetes 2 and need to take care of my feet so I can keep my feet and not have them amputated like others in my family.

Hi,

Standard,

Nothing  Standard about this kid  a mismatched hormoned different,  not male or female or a mix of both  Depends on how you perceive me or see me.

Theres nothing standard for us intersexed ,Yet are we not  normal in our  own way Don't we have aspects that suit us both of male and female , in my case I cant live with out both  my makeup sure got it right,   disadvantages and advantages , I just get on with life to the fullest and enjoy my life ,......= Love Life = Live  Life ......

...noeleena...

Quote from: Felix on May 20, 2015, 11:11:34 AM
I only committed to really trying hard to live as my assigned gender when I had a baby. I knew it wasn't right for me to be a woman, but I enjoyed pregnancy and breastfeeding and I feel like that makes me some kind of alien.

You are NOT an alien! That describes me exactly!

It's such a mystery to me that the period in which I felt more like a woman than ever in my life, was the same period in which I discovered my transgender nature.

I ticked four things off, but I didn't fit the first two that well. I've known since I was a child that I was not a girl, but I suppressed it and completely forgot what that felt like, merely being fascinated by gender identity as I meandered through life. I was mild-mannered and softspoken, so I preferred the company of girls, and I was very good at blending in with them...to any observing adults, at least.

And I DESIRED to play with typical "boy" toys like video games and skateboards, but kept myself from doing so. Either because I was afraid what others would think if they saw me engaging in a "boy" thing, or because I desired friendships with girls and the only way to get them was to do what the girls wanted to do.

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
I didn't, not until last year, a month before my twenty-second birthday. Up until then, I proudly identified as a tomboy.

Mind, I can barely recall my childhood or adolescent years so if I did "know" I certainly don't remember it well enough to say that I did.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
Yes, most of my toys were dinosaurs, cars, models, action figures, bikes, skateboards and water guns. I'd mention video games too but those are more of a neutral thing in my opinion.

Of the toys that weren't traditionally seen as masculine: I would pull the heads off barbie dolls or give them haircuts, push their chests in (on the hollow plastic models) and tape noodles to them. That was before we had any ken dolls. ::)

I didn't play with, or own other traditionally feminine toys.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
Started around 5 or so, from what my mother told me. Mum would try to get me to wear "girly" clothes, but unless she bribed me with money, I would refuse. The last time I willingly wore a dress was for a family photo shoot, wherein I was paid $10 to wear it. As soon as we got to the carpark (and after I got the $10) I removed the dress, revealing a set of "normal" clothes on underneath. I still have that photo, the dress I wore doesn't even look like a dress, it looks like a denim vest.  :laugh:

I wore boys undies from age 6 or 7, right through to early puberty where it was "weird" for a "girl" to wear boys undies, so I switched to girls undies. I hated anything frilly or gross, so I only wore the ones that best resembled boys undies. Now I just wear dudes undies, they are so comfy!

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
I'm disgusted by my body in general to be honest, so I didn't vote for this one.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
I feel uncomfortable around everyone I don't know, so again, I didn't vote for this.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
I didn't read this properly and didn't vote for it, when I should have. Yes I do want surgery, I didn't know it was a viable option until after I came across the term transgender.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
Well I have Clinical Depression and possibly Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but those don't stem directly from my gender identity (although I'm not discounting that part of my depression is in relation to my gender and how my body doesn't align with it). But yeah, I have suffered depression, anxiety and ideation because of my gender.

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
Not the wrong body, rather a broken one.

I never really felt "trapped in the wrong body." I just always wanted to be a girl. That is my first memory when I was three or four years old. I became disgusted with my body parts when I was that age and took a bath with daddy. That's when I decided I'd rather be a mommy because I knew I'd grow up to be like him and the thought of that scared me to death. The "trapped in the wrong body" thing has always turned me off. But I didn't even know about it until I was in college.

I liked to play with the girls. But I also liked boy stuff. I played hop scotch and tried to play basketball. But to tell the truth, I liked playing basketball with the girls better.

I always loved building things, anything science related. I worked and saved to buy my own chemistry set and microscope before I was ten. I loved to build electronics kits. I also had a Barbie doll that I hid. I sort of stole that. Well not sort of, I did. I didn't know how else to get one.

I always played dress up. As I got older, playing dress up went in to the closet. I'd purge often but then I would "acquire" more things. When I became a teen in the seventies I worked and made money and bought my things. To me, stealing things felt as bad as I did about not being a girl. I knew I was "sinning" and thought that I was the only one in the world who felt this way.

Now that I've lived 75% of my adult life as myself, I tend to make more casual male friends. I do dislike inane conversations about cooking, children boasting, and gossip. Very few women I've met know how to have a serious discussion about topics that exercise the brain. I suppose that's true for men too. It's just that the hobbies I have bring me into contact with more men than women. The women I find there have become good friends. In my best friends list, I have two men and two women. I don't try to have more than just a few best friends. I'm not sure it's possible for me.

So, yes, I sort of fit the common profile. But just sort of.

Cindi

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
Nope. I was 17 before I even started questioning. I don't remember wanting to be male as a child, and I certainly never would have insisted that I was. I was post-pubescent before my body became relevant to me at all.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
I liked books and chemistry sets and puzzles and legos and activities with a specific goal. I was neither creative nor sporty. I certainly wasn't overly girly, and I was seen as a tomboy, but you'd never catch my nerdy butt playing football or whatever. So, yes and no.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
I was often mistaken for male as a kid because I wore my hair very short and I wore jeans and a blue t-shirt every day. I often shopped in the boy's section. But I grew up in San Francisco in the 90s, so no one really batted an eye, and I certainly don't think it was regarded as cross-dressing.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
Disgusted is the wrong word, but I am... discomforted by them, and sort of distantly put-off. It's not nauseating, it's just off-putting and almost distasteful.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
Wildly untrue. While my friend group was mostly male as a child, as an adult, I tend to prefer the company of women, and almost all of my friends are girls. I wish I had more male friends, but honestly, I get the impression that men find me... strange or un-categorisable. I don't have that problem with women. Plus, in my peer group (ie med students) half the guys think they're god's gift to this planet. Broadly speaking, the women seem more down to earth.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I do. Very much.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
I would say that my gender (and the distress I felt about being trans) exacerbated my badbrain issues.  My dumb OCD brain likes to make me hyperfocus on my dysphoria, but my dysphoria didn't give me OCD. I don't like to be looked at, and gender is part, but not all, of the reason. I've attempted suicide twice, but not because I'm trans. I dunno. I feel like I got off pretty light, mental health wise.

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
My meat prison is only marginally more frustrating than any other meat prison. There's nothing inside of me trying to come out, chest-burster style. I am how I am.  :)

​
Time for true confessions, LOL. Seriously, I have thought about all these things a lot to figure myself out over the years. If anyone reads anything that makes you think I have talked myself into a huge delusion then please speak up or send me a message. It won't hurt my feelings. :angel:

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
No. Before puberty I was atypical. I was extremely shy to the point of phobia, unathletic, and nerdish. In those days being nerdish meant I spent my time reading a lot. I always felt I was different than others but never connected that difference to gender. In fact, I really didn't have any clear idea about gender differences and never felt any curiosity to think about it.

At puberty, age 11, it hit. Only one thing on my mind. I wanted to be a girl. I explain to myself that wanting to be a girl at that time rather feeling like I was one was because I was aware of what I was physically and had no concept of there being a difference between sex and gender as they are described today.

This has always kind of bothered me because I always hear the typical narrative of knowing since you were three. I don't even remember anything at all from when I was three. Since I didn't get going until age 11 I have always had a nagging fear I was a fetishist with an overactive imagination.

I didn't have any knowledge of transsexualism until about age 14 or 15 when I discovered it in of all places a Hustler magazine. Hahaha ;D. But when I saw that I knew that was what I was.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
This one is kind of ambiguous. I had no sisters so there were no "girl toys" available. I remember wanting an easy bake oven but I also knew that it was a prohibited item to desire. I do remember that at a very young age I was fully aware that expressing anything feminine was prohibited. I don't know why I knew that. Maybe something happened that I can't remember anymore.

I liked reading a lot. I liked Lincoln logs and erector sets a lot. I liked chemistry sets. I also played rough and tumble things outside with my friends and was a scout.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
From age 11 to 13 yes. Then my mother found my stuff and told my father. They both called me a lot of bad things. Then a few months later I got sent off to an all male military school. I had no opportunity after that except on vacation time back home where I dressed frequently.

If any parents are lurking and reading this here is a message. If you treat your child like this they will resent you forever. They will still love you and might hide their resentment very well, but it will remain, even after you get old and die that resentment will remain.

After high school and College, which was also a military place, I have continued to dress, but maybe not as often as I could.

Since starting HRT I don't dress much at all except in jeans. I have a couple of times and really it just feels like clothes, neither good nor bad. This gives me a little concern about that whole fetishistic thing. I do however feel very good seeing myself with longer hair and with a body that is slowly conforming to my mind picture. Maybe I'm just weird.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
No. I wasn't disgusted by them. I just wanted them to go away and for the right ones to be there. I never tried to cut them off either. Maybe I was too afraid of the inevitable pain. I did however often hope I would have some bad accident or get cancer so they would have to be removed. That's pretty sick hoping for that. >:(

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
No. I got sent away to military school so there was no other sex to be around. Plus I decided on entering that school at age 13 to become something different. I became outgoing, athletic, academic and was overall the one in the school everyone envied.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
Yes. This had been persistent.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
Yes. But it wasn't constant. It came in waves. Finally in my 40s the waves became overwhelming.  That's when I came very close to suicide.

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
Yes. I have described it like that for a long time. But I'm not really sure if I thought of it or if I read that description elsewhere and adopted it into my narrative because it seemed to fit.

I'll add one more thing. This is about sexuality. I'm not really sure if I'm heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, or if those terms even hold real meaning in a transsexual person. My first semi-sexual experience was in high school where a friend got aggressively feely with me. I stopped it before it could , er, go to completion but in my mind I was 100% a girl getting felt up. It felt good, in fact it was probably the most erotic feeling I have had in my whole life, even though it stopped short. Since then I have been married and exclusively with my wife.  Sex there was always infrequent and pretty much stopped about 10 years ago.

Deborah,

I'm still stymied about the sexuality thing. I have no real urges of any kind. I'm sure I could go the rest of my life without it. However, I would like to find someone to share my life with. And right now, I'm thinking that could be a woman. Not for intimate sex to be sure. It's just that the sweetest kisses I ever had were from my ex-wife over three decades ago.

I married a guy and we were together for nearly 25 years. He left last fall because he said he was homophobic about me and had been from the start. When my money ran out, so did he. Go figure.

While I do find both men and women attractive, I don't care about sex. An intimate moment and body contact? That would be nice. I think that the new word for bisexual is pansexual. A pansexual doesn't care about the other's gender. I think it also includes loving one of us? Perhaps I'll find someone who can change my mind. Who knows?

Cindi

I think before puberty I was a mixture - I liked animals more than people and most animal toys are neutral, except horses, which for some reason are geared towards girls despite the fact that loads of men ride? lol

Clothes wise I wore things my mother picked out or things like Lion King t-shirts, again kind of neutral there. I used to get into fights with a friend of mine as a little kid about what gender some of the characters in disney movies were. I don't think little children always have a defined idea of gender - some will but not all. I was barely even aware that i was human haha.

So aside from not always being able to read the gender of fictional characters as a child, I don't think I fit the standard narrative until puberty, which is when my body dysphoria started. I don't really identify with the idea that clothes or occupations really have a gender.

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
Yeah, I always knew.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
To be honest I played with everything, but I definitely preferred robots and dinosaurs over dolls. I did have a doll's house, though, in which lived my dinosaurs. My favorite toys were in fact legos and cardboard boxes. Which I'd say are pretty genderless.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
Pretty much.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
Totally.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
Not really. I had both female and male best friends. But I didn't understand why they liked what they liked. And in girl-only groups I felt uncomfortable. I think I was more comfortable around boys, but usually most comfortable around any gender if it was not a group. One other person and myself was always very easy to handle. I did not like groups or gangs.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
I do now, but in the past I didn't. This is because I have a phobia of being put out and cut open.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
Oh my yes

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
Wrong body, wrong life... absolutely.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on May 21, 2015, 02:50:05 AM
I didn't know since my earliest memories. In fact, I remember exactly when it started... puberty. Right around the middle of 7th grade, a few months after I turned 13.

I never played with stereotypically-feminine toys as a kid. I actually hated them because they were "girly." My female friends were all of the more tomboyish variety. (Side note: I hated super-masculine toys too, so I've always been more in the middle in terms of interests)

I didn't cross-dress. I tried once, but it did nothing but make me feel depressed because of how awful it looked on me. My only real clothing-related battle was that I really wanted the ability to wear shorter shorts like I used to in grade school without being made fun of.

I never had problems with boys socially. Even though my absolute singular closest friend in childhood was a girl, a vast majority of my friends were boys. And I really didn't have a problem with that. I had a secret club called the Wildcats with four boys, made a series of comic books with two boys, and my best high school friend is a guy.

The rest is pretty typical, but I'm definitely a later-onset trans person who wasn't at all super-effeminate as a child, I always sorta straddled a line between typical guyish behavior and more gender-nonconforming ones.

Also, even though I was a bit depressed, not to the degree that is "typical" where it dominated my life. Mostly it was just a long lingering annoyance that I was mostly able to ignore and be happy in spite of it.

This is pretty close to my experience. First wanted to be a girl around 12-13, typical childhood for a male except I didn't like sports at all, only crossdressed a few times, mostly just stuffing one of my mom's bras and wearing it. I had no idea transition was possible and I was starting to get involved in Christian Fundamentalism back then, so lack of anything to do about it plus religious shame led to those early feelings being buried until just recently. I have been periodically wracked by depression that seemingly came out of nowhere, and was on anti-OCD meds for a few years as a result. Still don't know where that originally came from.

I guess the main things I could point to are that I was always more emotional than any boy I knew and still cry very easily, the fact that I've always secretly wanted breasts, disliked having body hair, and never got the hang of standing up to pee, and how I held out longer than most boys in chorus about switching to the tenor/baritone section. I had a high soprano voice I was really proud of and continued defiantly forcing myself to hit all the high notes until my teacher had to step in and reassign me. I have also always felt uncomfortable about asking anyone on a date and prefer to be asked instead, and any "male bonding" thing usually leaves me with that "I'm surrounded by idiots" feeling.

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I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
Nope as a child I was super girly haha the dysphoria didn't hit until I was 12. It wasn't wanting be another gender that started it it was the apathy I had to things that came with being a woman I suppose like being a wife, having children and being somebody's girlfriend. The emotional idiosyncrasies confused me.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
I played with mostly girl toys but as an older child I started getting really into anime and video games. I still collect dolls Asian ball jointed dolls.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
Eh not really Part of the struggle of accepting that I might be trans was I still liked and like female clothing. I like and have a desire to wear men's clothing. It was really hard I felt like I could only have or other for a really long the ability to continue wearing girl and boy clothing or the ability to be myself and transition 

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
Apathetic would be a better term. I felt disconnected to my body more than trapped.  I don't mind looking at my body but I can't help but think ah this feels wrong in a apathetic way. 

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
Uncomfortable no, I didn't understand girls they were so dramatic and emotional and as a child I played with boys. Now I have friends of both genders. -A- heh

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
I do I want to connect my soul back to my body. So I can finally stop having panic attacks/nervous break down when A boyfriend kisses me or tries to touch me.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
All of the above but for different reasons than just gender. I didn't have the normal story I liked and still like girly things. I wasn't into boy things outside of anime. I was attracted to boys. I began to hate myself because despite all this something insisted I was male. Insisted I was a not a normal girl who dressed like a normal girl but a gay boy who cross dressed sometimes and loved " girly " things. I had panic attacks about it. At the same time I was bullied for being Asian. That was a tough time. I couldn't fit anywhere I thought I didn't belong anywhere

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
Ahh more like my soul and body disconnected and I need to upgrade my body to match my soul. *^*

I deviant a lot from the standard narrative that's why it was so hard to I am/was trans


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Let's see.
I didn't always know. Well, not fully. I knew that there was something wrong with my body, but as a kid, I just focused on something else to forget about it. I realized what exactly was wrong at the age of 13, due to puberty-related physical changes.
Toys and activities? My choice of toys were always animal figurines, kind of gender-neutral stuff. Back in kindergarten, I always played with the girls, until gender separation caught up and they started regarding me as one of the boys. I had to seek out the boys' company to avoid being left alone. That continued on all the way up to today.
Disgusted by the genitals? Not so much "disgusted" as "got used to them being there, but never really understood why they were there in the first place, or that women didn't have the same kind of parts." That was until I learned more about anatomy, in other words......age 13, puberty changes.
Uncomfortable around guys? Not as a kid, I wasn't. But now I am, which has disastrous effects on my social life, as girls are uncomfortable around me for the same reasons I'm uncomfortable around guys, which essentially has led to the situation that I'm now in. That is, I don't have anyone I could call a friend.
Surgery? If that wasn't an option, I probably would have killed myself ages ago.
Trapped in the wrong body? Well, technically not. The body is still mine, but it has so many flawed things that need fixing. Genitals, body hair, adam's apple, lack of tits. There's a lot of work to be done.

The whole typical standard narrative that I kept seeing over the years is why I had been so doubtful for a while, I thought I had to fit into that narrative. It only made me frustrated that I had these feelings and believing that I couldn't be anymore than non-binary. (And what a relief to find out I didn't have to when I really delved into it).

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
As I've stated, I didn't know. I don't even remember being really little and even being a bit older I just remember having this one vague memory of fantasizing of being a boy but it never really happened again. I didn't even think it was a possibility to be anything other than what was assigned at birth until beginning of highschool when I saw someone who said they were trans. I only started thinking of myself as agender at the end of highschool and finally just male last year.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender

Toys/activities were never really gendered in my mind and my family never really put it that way so I played with everything.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
For a long time I was just wearing hand-me downs (mix of girl/boy clothes because my mother never really payed attention) and I didn't really care what I wore. Only a couple of times was I actually made to wear a dress (usually because clean laundry was running low). I kind of just wore too big t-shirts and blue jeans and I tried to dress a bit more feminine thinking that's what girls are suppose to do in my later teen years before coming in terms with my actual gender.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
I don't know if it was disgusted or rather just really uncomfortable and unsure why. I knew there were things about me that didn't feel right but it was going to take me a while to figure out the reason why.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
Definitely not, until reaching college I had mostly female friends. And for a good part of my life boys made it pretty clear that I was not liked.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
I definitely want that now but not before I knew I was trans. I didn't really know much about it but I do remember when I was younger I found these videos of people transitioning and I'd watch them being totally amazed, I don't know if it was out of curiosity sake or because deep down I knew I wanted that to for myself.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
I checked this one because I suffered all three but I am not entirely sure which is linked with my gender which is not. I just know it had been persistent since hitting puberty, the same time I started feeling uncomfortable about my body.

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
In a sense I guess, I felt disconnect with my body as if it was someone else's and only now being on T am I starting to feel like it is mine. But I feel it's less like being in the wrong body and more like needing to correct this one because it looks wrong (if that made any sense).

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth

For me it was always there, whether I really understood what it was I don't know, but until puberty came along whenever gender was an importance (generally play / make believe etc) I always wanted to be the girl. When puberty came along I got very confused for a while, not understanding the gender / sexuality difference, and trying so hard to fit in. Maybe from 16/17 I knew for certain what I was, but it took me 16 years to really do anything about it, out of fear. My biggest error, until now, was caring too much about what others thought, and not realising that whilst people care about me, they probably never really cared about my gender

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender

Definitely! I always played nurse, and Christmas after Christmas I was let down by Santa who never got me the pink bike with the basket on the front!

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could

Yep. Unfortunately I did this a few times around 6/7 years old and my parents ridiculed me, and after that it became a private activity

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth

although I don't like my penis, I don't think I'm disgusted by it

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth

Yes yes yes! Never been able to chat to boys. Just always felt like the outside.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender

I don't know if this is what I want. I want to feel right and happy. It might be something I need however

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender

This one isn't me. Just a fairly happy person, and kind of take my gender issues with a "->-bleeped-<- happens" type approach

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body

Yeah, I suppose that is right. I always felt wrong in that body. As my body has changed, I feel more and more comfortable and free in my new body

I think the way I differ from the "standard narrative" is that despite having been born over half a century ago I was largely allowed to make that choice at an early age, and with a few compromises, was allowed to live the dream for all bar a brief period during my teens when lack of availablity of puberty blockers, and reluctance to treat someone so young contrived to force me temporarily fully back into assigned role.

hence the only two options I do not choose are the last two, because I've never felt suicidal or trapped. I have had a very positive life and although my journey hhas been unconventional, and at times has involved pushing against a few boundaries, on the whole it has all been pretty positive, and i have never been "trapped".

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
Not really.  I don't remember ever thinking that I was a girl.  But, way back to when I was a kid, I remember wanting to be one.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
I didn't get to "prefer" toys.  I played with the toys my parents gave me.  If I had had a preference for "girls'" toys, I would have self-censored it: I knew the rules.  That is a skill that, unfortunately, I have always excelled at.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
Yes, absolutely.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
I can't really say that I had/have strong feelings about them at all.  They are there.  I wish they weren't.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
Yes.  I never fit in among groups of boys.  I didn't play sports.  I was the kid they all picked on.  Now I know why, of course: they knew something about me that I didn't.

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
Yes, I do.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
A bit of depression, yes.  More so now that I understand the source of it.  I have never felt suicidal.  I am a survivor: I can tough out just about anything, as witnessed by the fact that I am only coming to terms with all this in my 60s. 

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
I'll have to think about that for a bit.  That old self-censorship may be at work there.  I don't recall ever thinking the "trapped in the wrong body" thought, but perhaps that is just a different way of saying, "Damn, I wish I was a woman."  I have had that thought a lot.

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth

As far as I know, nope, I was a boy. Idk if I knew the difference though. My first school friend was a girl so maybe I thought myself as one too but idk, idts. I had thoughts of wanting to be a girl, think I even prayed about it back then, but I saw myself and considered myself a boy until about a 1.5-2 yrs ago (so for about 29-30 yrs).

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender

I liked wrestling, sports, tv and video games. Spent most of my time during my school-age years doing those things. Not the most feminine likes or activities but whatev's. Still love em all to this day!

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could

Well, I did say I identified as a guy back then but I did wear girl things a lot (in private only)

Idk if I did it as often as I could but I did it quite a bit. I'm not sure when I started, I think it was around 2nd grade, somewhere around that age. I remember wanting to be my mom. It wasn't an attraction thing but ya, still remember wanting to be her/be like her.

I remember she used to give us days off from school once in awhile. Being that I had the house to myself then, I would sneak into my mom's room and raid her closets/drawers. Ofc nothing fit, she was bigger than I at first and then after puberty, smaller but heavier, but I still did it. Even had my own private, hidden stash of her things that I could get at pretty easily.

I started buying my a few of my own things in middle school. OMG was that awkward..and was sneaking out in the middle of the night to walk a mile+ to an all night, self checkout store to shop as well. I was also a klepto too...like if I had the opportunity to steal something feminine, I just couldn't resist.. :(

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth

I didn't/don't hate it or dislike it but I don't like it or love it either.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth

Apart from like my first school yard friend, almost all my friends were male (she was pretty tomboyish tho). I pretty much was surrounded by boys. I was able to somewhat fit in cuz I do have a lot of, I guess, more male-type activity, interests and likes but besides being able to talk about sports and a few other subjects, I didn't really have much else to talk about so I didn't...I didn't really fit in.

I was always pretty bad socially; really shy and quiet. Felt uncomfortable and awkward with boys and girls in a way too, I just didn't have female friends, idk why. 

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender

Ya kinda. I want to be all girl but its not possible (yet at least). VFS is tops cuz I HATE my voice and SRS is kinda a want too but idk if I'll do it any of it or not. Factoring costs, pain, complications, risk of death that comes with any surgery, i just dunno if its worth it yet or not. Being that I'm even near any position to even think about the $$ needed for anything like that and that I'm still pretty new to being a girl, I'm just not really thinking about or looking into anything like that yet.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender

I think I was a wee bit (at least) depressed since around middle school and it went up as I grew older, I think I still have anxiety, and I had suicidal thoughts twice, 1.5 yrs ago and around a year ago actually. Idk how much of it was related to gender tho, some of it at least prolly was but there were many other factors too...

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body

I don't think I felt trapped in the wrong body. I wished when I was young that I was a girl, hated my body and my looks especially after puberty, but idt i ever thought or felt that I was trapped in the wrong body.

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth.   

I am a woman, period.    I wouldn't be where I am today if I had not come to the realization that I was not a male even though I had the physical body of a male.   The awareness of this and its acceptance happened over a period of 53 years.  During the past 15 years, I developed the understanding that I had been living a butch female up until then, but that I preferred to live as an effeminate lady instead.   

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender.   

Only paper dolls were available because I was the oldest and one of my sisters was 6 years younger and the other one was 18 years younger.  My toys were mostly my bicycle, my baseball glove, bat, and ball,  my electric train,  and my army men.    I also made model airplanes.     My family lived from paycheck to paycheck and had money for the basics.   My brother and I worked for our spending money which I mostly spent on comic books, candy, pop, the movies, and model airplanes.   I was too afraid and lacking of a male ego to buy anything that was too girlish.   I kept my wants and desires private and never expected too much of my parents.   

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could.

We never went into our parent's bedroom and my mother did not leave any clothing around the house.   I finally acquired some woman's clothing when I got married.   Being born in the 1940s fear and ignorance kept me bottled up most of my life.   After I got married I got more and more comfortable being in the lady's clothing sections of stores and even buying ladies hygienic items.   My mother left a used up tube of lipstick in the bathroom once and I put it on.  One time there was a dress in our long walk in closet and I tried that on and liked it.   And there may have been an old worn bra in the dresser in the bathroom that I tried on.  This was all before puberty set in when I was 13.

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth.

I wouldn't say that I was disgusted by my body parts.  I was detached from them and couldn't relate to them.   When my body became sexually active I became very self-conscious of the smell and the mess I made when I ejaculated.   I started having fantasies about magically physically become a girl.   I was totally ignorant of what it meant to have sex with any other person.   I identified with the dance hall girls in the western movies and wondered what it would be like to be in their powder room.   I had no emotional connection of what it would be like to be a male in sexual intercourse,  but I can physically and emotionally connect with  and fantasize  what it would be like to be a woman in sexual intercourse with a male.  I felt shame after masturbating as a male. 

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender

I have been very passive when it comes to seeking our a counselor that could prescribe hormones because I always put my family first and my needs last until quite recently.   I could not even imagine having the money to have surgery.   I hope that my medicare insurance will change to cover some of the physical changes.   I have looked for counselors near where I live, but I haven't found one that takes my insurance.  Specialists would cost me $35 a visit and would involve me taking the bus.   I guess I am still waiting for God to make it possible.    Perhaps I have too much of a passive feminine personal personality and I am still too much of a people pleaser and still put others first too much even though I am out full time to the world no matter what people think.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth

I have never felt like one of the boys and have never been to a guy's night out.   I had male friends in high school, but we were the odd people out.   One was the minister's son, then there was a car mechanic's son, and I was the barber's kid.   I watched the mechanic's son work on his car like an interested teenage girl and sang in the choir and went to the church youth group with the minister's son.  None of us really fit into any social group in school.  was out for guy's sports and worked hard, but mostly stood on the sidelines and watched from the bench except for wrestling.   But I always felt out of place and lacked the male ego to succeed.   I was there, like kind of a tomboy.   I was never a bar fly and the guys rules in the bar were awkward to me  and I never felt that I had enough money to buy a round of drinks. 

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender

Depression runs in my family and I have had problems with it.    My family moved every five years or so I stress over being the new kid and figuring out the rules of a new community time and time again.   The emotions in our household were under the influence of alcohol which gave my mother a Doctor Jeckle/ Mistress Hyde personality and it created an emotional fault zone in our family.  She may have even been bi-polar.   My dad died when I was 13 and going through puberty.  Soon after my mom hooked up with my step-dad and we moved from the hills to the prairies.   We had a big forest fire in the Hills and had to flee from it the year my dad died and I went through puberty and my mother hooked up and we moved and my mother was morning my dad's death having lost her mother and father when she was younger.    Now how was I supposed to be suicidal and depressed about not having the right body?

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body      I don't feel like I am trapped in the wrong body.  I am trapped in the wrong body.   I am a woman with a flat chest and a penis.   What do you think?  I want my breasts and my female genitals.   Will it happen in this life?  Who knows?   I will do what I can when I can.

I always knew my gender was different from my sex assigned at birth
No. I don't think I thought of it that way when I was a kid. I just knew that I hated dresses and really didn't want long hair. Not because they were girl things, but because they were just cumbersome. I didn't start to think/wish I was a guy until puberty.

As a child, I preferred toys/activities of my identified gender
I had My Little Ponies. I loved them. Other than that, I had a microscope (which I also loved, complete with dissection kit), anatomical models and a lot of books. I played with my brother's legos, Gi Joes and Star Wars stuff when I could. Never did dolls. Still love my stuffed animals.

I dressed as my identified gender as often as I could
When I was a kid i wore what I was told or I'd get punished. In middle school I snuck clothes to school to stash in my locker, and I'd change into/out of them in the bathroom. I wound up wearing a lot of the same thing every day, day after day. And I stank because I couldn't wash them at home regularly. I didn't care though, the stuff my mom wanted me to wear was humiliating. Then when I got older, I'd go through period of filling my closet with men's clothing, getting rid of the girl stuff, and then deciding I was going to stop and "be normal" like everyone else, ditching the men's, buying girl's stuff and around and around I'd go. 

I was disgusted by the parts of my body specific to the sex I was assigned at birth
Sometimes. Mostly around my chest, which I hate.

I always felt very uncomfortable around members of my assigned sex at birth
Nope. When I was a kid, I had male friends and female friends, no worries. Then at about 11/12 socializing at all became so hard that I just took whatever friends I could get. Still do. 

I want/wanted surgery to bring my body in line with my identified gender
At least top surgery. I've wanted these things gone since I was twelve.

I suffered depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts because of my gender
Yes.

I feel/felt like I am/was trapped in the wrong body
Sometimes yes, sometimes I just don't feel connected to this at all. It feels weird, but not necessarily "wrong". Like, I've got no body.