Hello everyone, I'm an MtF coming up on middle age with all the usual hang ups around maybe transitioning and whether or not one might pass. About 30 years ago my family made it clear the only option they were open to was not transitioning. And so I chose not to be out. Had I been an argumentative child things might have turned out differently. But most all my energy at the time went into simply surviving from one day to the next. Another decade would pass before I could go so far as to let my hair grow long and even that provoked responses such as my grandmother publically telling me there was nothing she hated more. She's passed away, as has my father, leaving my mother and me as the only surviving nuclear family members. I'm out to carefully selected friends but, after years of working on our relationship, still am not quite ready to be out to mom.
These aren't the choices I've wanted to make but they've been the best ones possible given the circumstances. I pretty well tick all the boxes in the US's National Transgender Discrimination Survey. So if you trigger easily you may want to skip the next bit. A quick retrospective of life so far is
- single digit years: physical and sexual abuse
- teens: suicide attempt and a whole lot more not dying
- 20s: three college degrees, career, getting to a somewhat stable and safe place
- 30s: flashbacks, getting out of an abusive relationship, plenty of counseling
This has been a lot to deal with. 15 years of chronic depression. Quite a few EMDR sessions. Unwinding so many distortions from abuse. Having a first career. And, lately, deciding how to end it, where to go back to school, and what to pursue as a second career. More about that in future posts. What I have to say here is much reflection naturally comes which such decisions. One other thing I'm changing is gradually leave the closet and part of that is actually posting rather than lurking anonymously. I'm not one to be flamboyantly out but reaching a place in life where the disadvantages of hiding outweigh the benefits has been much of what I've been working towards the past few decades. It's nice to be here. :)
Finally, hi moderators, thank you for all your efforts in keeping Susan's going. I'd save you a copy/paste of the first post links but that requires linking privileges. I've read them though, both before registering and again later.
Love to all of you,
~Caitlin
Hi Caitlin
Welcome to Susan's
Glad you've found us...
Haa, here you go anyway ::) and thanks for the pre-read :-*
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You are amongst friends and supporters here, we all have our stories and history, they are important, the journey forward should not be constrained by previous fears and feeling constrained..
Are you seeing a GID counsellor / therapist yet? worth it if not.
L Katy :-*
Hi Caitlin :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Hi Caitlin,
Welcome to Susan's!
Sorry to hear about what you have been through, but it is really great that you have worked hard to find your way through it all.
Look forward to seeing you around,
Cindy
Hi Caitlin - welcome to Susan's and thanks for sharing your story. :)
Welcome to Susan's Place.
I match your story pretty well.
Hello Caitlin and welcome aboard. That is a sweet and very comprehensive introduction. As Cynthia suggests, your story will resonate with many of us who faced similar obstacles to being our real self. As you obviously know, this is a great place for reflection and exploring that balance of being out about our truth.
I am also one who took decades to get here and am so happy to be living the dream i was once sure was impossible.
Thank you all, thank you. Have lost track of how many times I've read this ritual in other threads but it's very sweet to receive it. And so kindly written, Tessa.
Hi Katy, the therapist I've worked with is a generalist rather than a gender specialist. He's been wonderful for abuse but we agreed a while back we were done. The nearest gender specialists are on the other side of a mountain range from me. Five to eight hours' drive if roads are good, potentially days when passes close in winter. As part of the career transition I'm hoping to do some volunteering which would happen to put me quite a bit closer. Also aware of a couple online therapists licensed in my state through the many good threads here at Susan's. Currently my dysphoria's very manageable so it's not urgent. Can't wait too long though; if I'm going to transition the upcoming period where I'm back in school would be ideal.
Hi Cynthia, I've been following your main thread for a while. Yes, definitely some similarities. I do lack your amazing health coverage and access to transgender facilities. HR where I work is insulting and can't manage to look at the sent field of an email they're replying to see what my name is; not exactly the sort of folks one's inclined to trust with anything important. Plus my current manager has well, let us say, a number of issues which lead me to believe if I was out at work I would also be out of a job, the company's non-discrimination policy and local law notwithstanding. Not having had family or kids I've missed out on some of the good things in your life as well as what seem to be some the roughest parts of your transition. There's good and bad to that but if you're feeling down please don't ever lose sight of how much you do have going for you.
Hugs,
~Caitlin
Hi Caitlin, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah