Today my mom the bigot who can't learn to accept people for who they are decided to tell me that I'm an embarrassment and that I'll have no future.
She kept yelling at me and expected me to say, you are right I am all these horrible things. Seriously you can call you're child all these horrible things and act like that's okay is really pathetic.
It came out of nowhere while we were just talking about normal family stuff, like usual, and she expected me to be lime "you are right I am an embarrassing failure with no future because I'm a twisted queer.
Wow, all of a sudden I'm a straight cis gender guy". And i cant even try defending myself cause im always wrong snf just get shout down even more. I give up. Seriously, she has been nothing but a nightmare and just keeps putting me down rather than try and accept who her kid is.
And I've already been trying to cope with depression and suicidal feelings as best as I can that I don't need to be told by my family that I'm an embarrassing failure cause I'm trans. I need to cut these toxic people out of my life. They have been nothing but hostile since and it just makes everything all the more harder.
I mean to tell me my college education and degree means nothing cause no one will want to employee a freak like me is just cruel and false. I'm going to go much further than she has ever done and I'll do all that while being the embarrassing queer freak that I am.
I'm. It going to be bullied into living the life other people want for me rather than deny who I am and what I want for me. I'm tired of this. I don't do anything to hurt anyone and I'm sorry if my family is having a tough time but I deserve to be happy too.
My mom has told me she rather me be unhappy living the life she envisioned for me rather than me being happy being trans. That's what sort of person she is. And the constant shaming and telling me that ever sees me as a freak and that I have no future is just heartless and cruel.
I don't know what to do, but I'm really ready to cut them out of my life. I just wish I had money so I could move elsewhere. I'm really done. But I can't move out cause I don't have it financially. I just can't do this anymore.
She's going to drive her kid to suicide with all kf her attacks and won't care until its too freaking late. But I know who I am and what I want out of life. I deserve that just like any other human and screw anyone who wants to take that away from me.
I'm sorry I just am in so much pain and have no one to talk to and nowhere to go. I'm just so depressed, hurt and lost and just want to finally feel comfortable and happy. But my family won't let me and part of me fears my moms attacks a out how everyone will hate me and discriminate, judge and hurt me may end up being true.
Eh.... I'm really sorry for this rant. I just needed to let this out somewhere.
I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat, only it's my dad and (fortunately) he's not saying these things to my face.
I know it's hard, and I'd have a harder time if it was my mom than my dad (who I don't care about at this point), but you'll get through it. The further you get in your transition the happier you'll feel. I hope it turns out well for you.
if it helps, it sounds more like your mother's a total control freak. As difficult as it is, don't listen to her. You are not an embarrassment with no future.
I'm glad you felt you could let it out to us. Not all of us will read it, or all of it, because it triggers them. Not all of us will see it. But there isn't one of us who hasn't been there, even if only in a small way. I care what happens to you.
Your mother is wrong, you're not doomed to be a failure, but I think you know that. You're not evil, or broken, or strange. Well, OK, most of us are strange. I'll give you that. I won't ask you to see her side. It comes from ignorance and fear, at a minimum, possibly from shame, although she has no real cause for it. Just a little possibly from some form of love and a fear for you.
You can be anything you choose to be, if you don't let the haters beat you down.
Know this, spiritually, and from experience, you are my sibling, and I love you. I want only good for you and that nothing bad for you should happen. You have people on your side.
Whoa, it is so cruel of her. I'm really sorry to read this, I mean really.
I think she's so desperate to "change your mind" (lol how naive) she has to try the most vile and cruel things. Well, I wish her luck lol.
I really don't think she (at the core) believes this things she say, however she feels she has to give the last utterly desperate efforts to make you move back. I read some of your previous posts, and I recalled how she was forcing you to come out to your dad while you were so afraid of his reaction, my thought was she was forcing you somehow to step back, and to prove you wrong in this transitioning thing. My general impression about her (please don't take it bad) is she is a very manipulative and controlling person, so whenever she feels she is right about something, she's gonna try to have it her own way (unless she feels there's no chance of this). I lived a somehow similar experience and it took me years of bluntly moving forward to make her understand there was no way of opposing/reversing/avoiding this.
Again, I'm really so sorry to read all this stuff, wish I could help.
Also on a sidenote: If she's soooo worried about employers hiring "a freak"... Had she thought on helping you financially with cosmetic procedures, nice clothing, gym suscription, voice therapy... etc etc etc to making things easier to you? Nice point imho.
Hey LTL,
So sorry these challenges with your mom are unrelenting. It is damaging to our psyche to hear such hurtful and toxic attacks from those who could be making a positive difference. Having been here for years it seems to me that you have worked very hard to be gently considerate and ease into your transition while being supportive of your family. Even while being so trashed you have expressed how important your family is and your tenacity in staying home and connected is borderline harmful, as you say.
You are a bright and resourceful girl and it seems there must be a better place and future for you to steer toward with definite steps. As you also know, this is a great place to rant and grieve as necessary. I know you will hang in there.
Remove her from your life. For you, its life or death, and until she can at least tolerate you then she serves no purpose.
Ignore her words, let them bounce off you like arrows to a shield. Its in the past now. Deattach yourself from her words as if watching it in 3rd person. Do not lose your sense of mind, keep focus on your mission. Do not deter from your mission until you accomplish it. You are now working at a higher level of becoming who you are meant to be. Life or death. Don't choose death. You are laying the bricks to a happy life as we speak. We are in a time were this situation is fixable.
Imagine the millions before who dream to be in your shoes in the years gone by; you are in a great age of medicine. Do not lose that focus. You are fighting for all of us here, since you are a voice of a large community who needs an inspiration.
Quote from: Wild Flower on May 23, 2015, 12:48:03 PM
Remove her from your life. For you, its life or death, and until she can at least tolerate you then she serves no purpose.
Ignore her words, let them bounce off you like arrows to a shield. Its in the past now. Deattach yourself from her words as if watching it in 3rd person. Do not lose your sense of mind, keep focus on your mission. Do not deter from your mission until you accomplish it. You are now working at a higher level of becoming who you are meant to be. Life or death. Don't choose death. You are laying the bricks to a happy life as we speak. We are in a time were this situation is fixable.
Imagine the millions before who dream to be in your shoes in the years gone by; you are in a great age of medicine. Do not lose that focus. You are fighting for all of us here, since you are a voice of a large community who needs an inspiration.
This is exactly what I did. She said nasty things and tried to change my mind but I cut her out and kept going. Now once she realized she failed, we have a stronger bond than we ever did as "male". We have dinner weekly now. Time and space cure everything so you need to get out.
Hugs, LTL.
What you're getting from your Mom, that isn't love.
I feel bad for her. She has a wonderful daughter and can't appreciate her.
I think you did the right thing ranting here, this site is here to help people even if it is only a place where people can have a safe outlet for their negative feelings. Live for the day that you can move away from your hateful mother to a place that is more accepting, a place where you can truly be yourself.
to be blunt, I have to agree with everyone here. You've had this problem with your mother since I started to be on Susan's. Your mother holds the sledge hammer over your head and she's knows it. Time to move on , you've graduated from college, find people to live with through adds or your friends. cut the poison from your life. Once you move on your mother will have no choice but to accept or completely abandon you. I'm guessing she'll won't want to lose you completely and if she does she's not your mother anyway.
Quote from: Dee Marshall on May 23, 2015, 12:05:31 PMI care what happens to you.
Me too.
This is a terrible thing you're going through now, but I assure you that your life won't always be this bad, even if it doesn't look like it at the moment.
There is happiness waiting for you, I promise :)
I don't know if you're living with her, but if you aren't cut all contact with her. I had to do that with one of my sisters for the same reason. over 6 months later I heard back from her and she's not attacking me anymore, but I'm still her brother and not her sister.
I remember she told me that this was not God's plan for me. I believe God made me transgender because I can deal with it. I've dealt with it quite well as a matter of fact. I believe that I can help others that are trans. Maybe not in mass, but even if I can help a couple here and there I'll know I'm right. I would love to be able to tell her that, but I'm sure she won't listen.
I hope it works out for the best for you. I've had a hard life myself, but it was worth it even after all the times I almost didn't make it.
I wish the best for you hun :[ I've known friends and others who had to grow up with controlling or very selfish parents and while I grew up with a great set of parents ( Minus my mother use to verbally unload all her anger onto me as a kid) I can understand to a degree of what you're going through. I hope you can get things set up to just get away and live out the rest of your life away from your Mother, because as much as I hate to say it...she doesn't respect you or give you the proper space as a human being :[. I can't think of any option that would work other than just distancing yourself from it all, because it seems liek she won't change or listen to you. All the love and luck!
Here are a few thoughts that might help you...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,189190.msg1683329.html#msg1683329
Well its up to you what you say...
if you are dependent you might consider...
it seems like a tug of war.
It might be a good idea instead of getting into heated discussions to remain calm and state needs and emotions... instead of falling into old patterns.
This might give a few hints:
wikihow dot com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication
It might take some practise in the beginning.
And, as others have stated, you might think about how much time you want to spend with them.
Have you considered a counselor ?
And there might be support groups.
Just know you're a valuable human being... with an intrinsic value, not dependent on anything else...
have a *hug*
Hi LTL,
Sorry your Mom continues to not accept you. I think some distance may be what you need to do for a while.
I would not listen to her rants saying you are not going to be this or that. She is trying to manipulate you.
Keep on posting for support, that is why we are here.
Have you ever considered that you might have a "narcissistic" mother? Mine acts the same way and she has all of the classic symptoms of a narcissistic mother. You can Google that term to find out more. The symptoms are:
Unpredictable way of relating - warm, but then goes cold; pouts for attention; cuts others off emotionally; won't talk or look at them, but will be sweet to the person standing at their side
Withholding - affection, attention, acknowledgement
Lacks empathy - teases, taunts, and berates another; gets irate and calls you sensitive when you tell them how it affects you
Critical - judges others openly, taunts, compares and ridicules and is relentless about it, but then can turn around as say, "Just kidding!" and "Boy, are you sensitive!"
Envious - cannot tolerate another person having what they feel they are lacking; could be anything from they are losing (which means, to an narcissist, that they, themselves, are slipping away...), and this can feel, to the narcissist, akin to death.
Narcissicism is nasty business.
Regardless of whats causing it - non acceptance and abuse such as what your mom is doing to you can wreck your life. At some point you just have to cut ties with her for your own well being and move on. I had to do the same with my abusive mother who told me that I am now a "sad caricature" of who I used to be, even though I am in a much better place than I was before.
I had to cut ties with a nar sister
Your mom's attitude is, well, flabbergasting.
Rest assured you are not a failure because you are trans.
Look at successful trans people such as Lynn Conway. If anything, when Robert Sanders* became Lynn Conway and pushed GD out of the way she achieved many great things. Her life became 1000% brighter. Even in my own life despite my trials and tribulations, once transition began for me my life just lit up like a christmas tree. I had a whole new outlook on life. I've lost weight, become healthier and all of my chronic medical conditions are under very good control.
I don't know why people can't see this.
*Robert Sanders is an alias used to identify Lynn's male past when she tells her story, and was not her real identity.
Sorry that your mom doesn't get it and is clearly not understanding of your transition. As others have said it's time to cut your loses and cut ties from her. If she loves you at all she will eventually reach out because what she is doing now is not love. She is missing out on the wonderful daughter she has. Good luck and hugs
Mariah
The best thing you can do is prove her WRONG. Once you start living as yourself work as hard as you can to be a success at everything... social life, work life, everything. She may never publically admit it but she'll know you aren't an embarrassment that you do have a future, she'll know she was wrong.
Wow... this is just awful. Sounds like my wife's mom... we talk to her a few times a year. Your family situation seems utterly toxic, and you seriously need to get out. Maybe your mom will always be like this. Maybe she'll come around after a year or several years of not seeing you. But she won't come around if you're her punching bag. There's a time to fight... this sounds like a time to run.
Quote from: learningtolive on May 23, 2015, 11:21:19 AM
I just wish I had money so I could move elsewhere.
If you make this priority #1, you can do it. It'll be hard scrabble for a while, but you can do it. Get a crappy minimum-wage job or two, and rent a single room in a house in a college neighborhood. I've known a few single moms who have been forced into this lifestyle. You can afford to move out. And until you can, you'll be spending so much time working that your mom won't have time to abuse you.
That is one of my favourite songs by Madness.
Thank you for allowing me to vent. It really annoys me when I'm subjected to transphobic and homophobic rants that come out of no where. And while I love my mom, its hypocritical to say you have no issues with lgbt people yet cant accept your own flesh and blood for who they are. But truthfully, I love my family and they arent bad people. In fact, they are good people who are just struggling to cope but its getting hard to take and it hasnt improved. When you can go from a normal family morning to ranting about how embarrassing i am for my lifestyle and aay in going nowhere is just sort of uncalled for. Anyway, things are better. I was forced to take part of a memorial day party the other day after all that, but I hid away from my family which made me feel better. Probably made my mom feel better cause part of why she freaked is she has to worry what her family and boyfriend think of me. Family situations are always awkward for this reason.
Anywya, gettinf my own place is needed. I just dont know jow. I make more than minimum wage and do "alright ", relatively speaking, but add health insurance and general xare, car insurance and rent in NY, its all too much. I'm a receptionist/office assistant in a medical office. I already pay rent at home and thats hard enough, anything more would destroy me. But maybe with a roomate i could scrape by. I jave to start looking or i have no one else to blame. And I know ive made my own bed and have to deal with everything that comes my way. No one said this would be an easy life nor is life ever easy. Just have to learn to overcome the challenges.
nothing wrong with finding two three or four roommates. Your half way there if you already pay rent to your mother and her boyfriend.
aw im so sorry! my dad was like that too when i came out to him as trans. he was saying how i will never find work or how no one will want to marry my sisters because our genes are now "tainted."
i really do hope you are able to separate yourself from that toxic environment!
I wish I could cheer you up in person, do not let these words make you do something wrong with your life. You mom have a bad attitude toward trans, she can change but it will take time and you who love her can prove that you have a bright future.
If possible, go to college, don't give up. Be better than average, this will shut people bad thought down.
I know it's hard, try not to hold to all the negative word and thought from other. Stay strong ok, you will ge through this. Hope everything cool one day.
Sounds like your mom is closed minded. Seek social support outside the naysayers.
QuoteMy mom has told me she rather me be unhappy living the life she envisioned for me
Her saying this prove that you would have a hard time even to be a good son!
Best to try to find a way that make you as happy as possible, and prove her wrong.
Remember we are all products of our parents,youth,education and place we life.
Live good and happy
She is saying these things because who you are is in direct conflict with her current perception of reality, built upon her beliefs and values. You used to fit nicely into her belief paradigm, but now you don't and it is starting to shake the walls she has built around her world. She wants things to make sense again, for you to fit right back into her life where she thinks you belong and all the pieces of her world fit together.
But she can't control you, and you wouldn't fit back into that place if she tried. And so she lashes out, painfully and abusively, hoping to cause enough pain to get you to want to go back. This is because it is easier to lash out at you than it is to go inward, have a sincere in-depth look at her own beliefs, and tearing down the ones that are no longer serving her or conflict with what she values most important. It can be nasty stuff tearing down one's belief system to allow oneself to become more accepting and loving. Well, I don't really mean nasty actually, as the end result is a better place. It's really more like a refiner's fire. But it can be a very painful process as sometime it feels like your whole world is crumbling down around you.
I think that in your situation, you staying there is not serving you or your mother. As long as you are there then she can still remain stuck in that process of trying to hurt and control you without immediate fear of losing you from her life. And as long as you are around that toxicity, verbal abuse, and low vibrations she is putting off then you will keep getting pulled down to a place you don't want to be.
As others have suggested, I would recommend moving out and distancing yourself from her until she is ready to extend the olive branch. If she truly loves you and values having you as part of her life then the pain of not having you in it will overcome any pain or fear she has about confronting her own beliefs, allowing her to finally go to that place of deep introspection and be open to a paradigm shift that leads to love and acceptance without judgement.
Additionally, not having the yoke of dealing with her constant abuse will free you and allow you to reach new heights and find more abundance and happiness in your life.
I was in a situation a while ago when I took care of my father before he passed . My sister wanted my father in a nursing home and I didn't. I wanted to take care of him . she decided to try to make my life a living hell to get me to give up. That wasn't going to happen, but she tried her best to abuse me to the point I had to change the locks on my dads house to prevent her from getting in when I wasn't there. When someone is determined to get you to do what they want they will go to extremes. I put up with the abuse until my father passed because I was trapped in a situation where my sister could get away with the abuse because she was my sister and was supposedly there to help. when my father passed I completely cut all ties to my sister and haven't talked to her in 25 years and have no intention of seeing her again. I was severely abused by a relative so I feel for you because it hurts, I hope you can resolve this issue some how.
My father's just like this and he doesn't even know about the trans stuff. It's solely based on me as a person. He has put so much fear into my head about how others will treat me that it became a debilitating phobia. Over the years through experimentation with crossing the gender lines in public, I've found that the only person that cares what I look like, is him. I've seen people stumble on pronouns, but nothing like the "they're all gonna laugh at you" response from Carrie that I expected.
It probably is a genuine attempt to protect their kids based on their own experiences growing up. The world was a lot different when I was growing up, not nearly as accepting, and my father has 20 years on me. Doesn't make it right though. It's best to distance yourself a bit. I haven't gone as far as cutting him out of my life, but I only talk to him once every few months or less because he sucks the happiness out of me every time. Life is better without his commentary and my confidence is finally increasing without him there to put me down. One day I'll probably let him back into my life, but not before I'm strong enough to counter his hatred without ending up depressed.
So sorry to hear about all the abuse you are having to deal with. I heard pretty much the same things from my wife when I came out to her. I don't hear too much anymore, but that's because I put transition on hold foe now.
On the other hand, you're young. You have a future. Make the most of it. Look around, being transgender is much more accepted. We don't have all the acceptance as do the LGBs, but social norms are changing. As Grace said and I reiterate - prove her wrong.
An old motto of mine - "The best revenge is massive success!"
Hugs,
Traci
Quote from: learningtolive on May 23, 2015, 11:21:19 AM
Today my mom the bigot who can't learn to accept people for who they are decided to tell me that I'm an embarrassment and that I'll have no future.
I'm not sure how long you've been on the journey and take from this what you will. When I told my parents in the early 1990s it effectively ended my relationship with my father until six months before his death and all but ended my relationship with my mother and we had not been close since the early 1970s at that point (I'm in my late 40s). Sometimes people can surprise you however and sometimes you'll surprise yourself. My father disinherited me but after he died, she put me back in the will. That was a big surprise and something I knew nothing about until my sister told me. My mother and I had our last conversation probably a year before she died.
But this response is really about the second part, you'll surprise yourself. I don't know this for certain, but I suspect that my mother did *finally* get it that I had learned all the really important lessons and she got it because she saw the life I had built for myself. When I started transition I had dropped out of Cal, had no marketable skills to speak of and delusions about being the next Lorraine Hansberry or a female James Baldwin. I work in the software industry and have for 21 years this last March. I literally made a career out of my plan for funding my surgery. I had a front-row seat to the Internet boom because I was right there, doing a job (UNIX admin) that my parents, both college professors, could never really quite grasp. I made a good career out of it, my son grew up with me making the child support payments, even though my ex wouldn't let me see him for the best part of a decade. Then I bounced back from the crash in 2001 after four hard years and I think that somewhere along the way, she realized that I was exactly who my parents raised me to be. Different packaging and I took my own damn way getting here. But if I had stayed a boy and followed the straight and narrow path and wound up in exactly the same place, my parents would have no more or less reason to be proud of me.
My point is that *you* have the power to prove your mother wrong and to simultaneously flip her the biggest most righteous bird while still being able to claim to be a good and respectful daughter. How? Live a good life. YOUR terms of what is a good life.
I had two guiding stars when I set out. One was to discover in myself the woman I would have been otherwise. The other was to honor the 16 year old girl I never quite got to be. Between those two, within the limits of what I could make happen, I have become that woman. Decide what your guiding stars will be and navigate by those. You may be surprised a decade or more later what really amazingly good decisions you made early on. I know I was!
I am married to a woman who is the delight of my life and our relationship is so strong that an ex-girlfriend was my maid of honor at our wedding and told me that if *I* ever did anything to screw it up, she would kick my ass! I have a fantastic job at a company that pays me well enough that I'm able to put my wife through college and us have enough money for her to be able to lease a horse. This has allowed me to give her something she has always wanted since she first knew what horses were. I'm very well thought of at my company. Enough so that I was able to have a serious dip in productivity due to a depressive episode that I've just pulled out of in the last few weeks. I've been there a year so having latitude to have a noticeable drop in work and it never get to anything written down as a disciplinary action meant that in the prior 12 months I had built up some serious goodwill.
I say *none* of this as a boast and I really hope you don't take it that way. I just want to say that despite your mother's objections and her naysaying, you can build a life better than you ever imagined possible. You can do it on your own terms. And maybe your mother will come around and be proud of the extra daughter or she won't. But if you live your life on your own terms, I won't say it won't matter either way but you it will matter a hell of a lot less.
Sorry, I didn't mean to write such a long response. I have nothing to draw on but what has worked for me over the last 25 years.
Hang tight, sister.
Cheers
GH
Hi Grace, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and hugs
Mariah
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Quote from: grace_hopper on May 28, 2015, 05:07:58 PM
I'm not sure how long you've been on the journey and take from this what you will. When I told my parents in the early 1990s it effectively ended my relationship with my father until six months before his death and all but ended my relationship with my mother and we had not been close since the early 1970s at that point (I'm in my late 40s). Sometimes people can surprise you however and sometimes you'll surprise yourself. My father disinherited me but after he died, she put me back in the will. That was a big surprise and something I knew nothing about until my sister told me. My mother and I had our last conversation probably a year before she died.
But this response is really about the second part, you'll surprise yourself. I don't know this for certain, but I suspect that my mother did *finally* get it that I had learned all the really important lessons and she got it because she saw the life I had built for myself. When I started transition I had dropped out of Cal, had no marketable skills to speak of and delusions about being the next Lorraine Hansberry or a female James Baldwin. I work in the software industry and have for 21 years this last March. I literally made a career out of my plan for funding my surgery. I had a front-row seat to the Internet boom because I was right there, doing a job (UNIX admin) that my parents, both college professors, could never really quite grasp. I made a good career out of it, my son grew up with me making the child support payments, even though my ex wouldn't let me see him for the best part of a decade. Then I bounced back from the crash in 2001 after four hard years and I think that somewhere along the way, she realized that I was exactly who my parents raised me to be. Different packaging and I took my own damn way getting here. But if I had stayed a boy and followed the straight and narrow path and wound up in exactly the same place, my parents would have no more or less reason to be proud of me.
My point is that *you* have the power to prove your mother wrong and to simultaneously flip her the biggest most righteous bird while still being able to claim to be a good and respectful daughter. How? Live a good life. YOUR terms of what is a good life.
I had two guiding stars when I set out. One was to discover in myself the woman I would have been otherwise. The other was to honor the 16 year old girl I never quite got to be. Between those two, within the limits of what I could make happen, I have become that woman. Decide what your guiding stars will be and navigate by those. You may be surprised a decade or more later what really amazingly good decisions you made early on. I know I was!
I am married to a woman who is the delight of my life and our relationship is so strong that an ex-girlfriend was my maid of honor at our wedding and told me that if *I* ever did anything to screw it up, she would kick my ass! I have a fantastic job at a company that pays me well enough that I'm able to put my wife through college and us have enough money for her to be able to lease a horse. This has allowed me to give her something she has always wanted since she first knew what horses were. I'm very well thought of at my company. Enough so that I was able to have a serious dip in productivity due to a depressive episode that I've just pulled out of in the last few weeks. I've been there a year so having latitude to have a noticeable drop in work and it never get to anything written down as a disciplinary action meant that in the prior 12 months I had built up some serious goodwill.
I say *none* of this as a boast and I really hope you don't take it that way. I just want to say that despite your mother's objections and her naysaying, you can build a life better than you ever imagined possible. You can do it on your own terms. And maybe your mother will come around and be proud of the extra daughter or she won't. But if you live your life on your own terms, I won't say it won't matter either way but you it will matter a hell of a lot less.
Sorry, I didn't mean to write such a long response. I have nothing to draw on but what has worked for me over the last 25 years.
Hang tight, sister.
Cheers
GH