So I've been reading hours of correspondences and Internet blogs and posts and what have you. I'm a 37 year old male, struggling to determine if I am in fact transgender or something else... I read about so many who hate their genitals and are in so much pain mentally, physically cause of the body they are in, and that isn't me. I'm fine being a guy, I just want to be a girl. I want to do what they do, but what they buy, dress like they dress, I want breasts, I want silky smooth skin, I want to look hot as a woman. I fantasize about being a woman, but I've never dressed in drag or gone all day as a woman. I have worn woman's panties and gone out once. I have pleasures myself wearing panties and fantasizes I was woman when I did it, when I see pornography I fantasize that I'm the girl, meaning being desired and pleased and having sexual power. Not the homosexual aspect of it but rather the fantasy of simply being a woman. When I picture myself as a woman I'd still be attracted to women and desire a female partner. So I suppose I'd be a transgender lesbian...is there such a label? I don't know. But is that transgender or something else? I'm not mentally or physically in pain with my Cis gender being male. Could I live the rest of my life as male, sure, would I prefer to be a woman, yes. But I don't feel trapped inside the wrong body, I just prefer a new one. Make sense? Probably not...but figured I'd ask.
Disclaimer: and I mean no disrespect or insensitivity towards anyone who does feel trapped in their body, or hate their genitalia or anything like that, I'm just asked based on my situation, I completely respect all of you.
Yes.
Not so serious response first.... To find out if you're transgender, we have to dip you in gender fluid and see if you turn pink.
But seriously, there is no one way to be trans. Not everyone of us has severe dysphoria about our bodies, there is more than one reason that people do transition. I'd say you can explore with dressing, maybe consult a good qualified gender therapist and go from there.
And yes, quite a few trans women do end up identifying as lesbians, so that doesn't rule anyone out and sexual orientation is separate from gender identity anyway.
I think most of us know in our heart of hearts, we use the web to confirm what we feel.
If you believe you are or not, but want some sort of closure before committing, I would get a session or 2 with a Gender Specialist, counsellor or therapist to help you define yourself.
As Marsh Monster said it "there is no one way to be transgendered" its a spectrum.
L Katy :-*
It's tough when your not sure. I was in denial quite a long time and tried my best to be a male , but I was a phony bologna and as more time went by my insides were rotting away. It took a long time to get the proper help and thankfully I did.
That's what a therapist is for. Transitioning in the medical sense is something you need to make sure is necessary before anything else. Dysphoric transfolks aren't the only ones who fall under the "trans" label but being dysphoric certainly makes the decision a bit easier to make.
Also, as far as you still being into other women, there's nothing wrong with that. I fall into the gender dysphoria camp and I'm always going to dig my wife and look at other women. Your sexual orientation is your sexual orientation and gender is gender. Mutually exclusive and compatible in every combination.
But please find a decent therapist who's specialized in gender therapy. That person will help you in so many ways and get you on the right track, no matter what that track may be.
Yes, you can be trans-feminine and lesbian. I know several and they are very happy.
I agree, a good gender therapist can help you answer your questions.
The full time requirement before surgery isn't there to see how you pass or to give you time to work on your image. It is there to give you a reference point as to what being a woman is. You look at how you feel now as compared to how you felt before treatment. If the cross living period hasn't made a big difference in you life, you better stop and delay surgery. Because each of us is different, some TSs are happy to remain in their birth role and other know the only way they will be happy is to move to the new role.The doctor's job is to determine if you are able to make such a decision. In the end, it will be your decision that guides the surgeon's knife.
Go with the flow and explore us as much as possible so you have all the information you need to make a decision. As bad as I had it, I also had this feeling this was silly for a grown adult to do this.
Do any want to change for the sake of a fresh start? New life? New you? To embrace the feminine side and just go with it? Or is there more significant reason required? I'm not saying...metaphorically....I'm tired with my car so I want to trade it in for a new ride...but rather...I'm tired of this life this body it's time for a change, in turn embracing the "fantasies" and being them rather than dreaming about it. Make sense?
Quote from: Lost78 on May 29, 2015, 09:34:44 PM
Do any want to change for the sake of a fresh start? New life? New you? To embrace the feminine side and just go with it? Or is there more significant reason required? I'm not saying...metaphorically....I'm tired with my car so I want to trade it in for a new ride...but rather...I'm tired of this life this body it's time for a change, in turn embracing the "fantasies" and being them rather than dreaming about it. Make sense?
It's much more simple that that. We were unhappy with our old life, we found the problem and fixed it. Only you can give us your answer and it's different from person to person. There is much information is here for you to draw upon from people who have take many different paths.
For me it was stressful to live the lie that I was a man even though that was what I seen in the mirror. Now I look in the mirror and I see what I expect to see as it matches my image of myself. No my body is not exactly what I would like it to be but it is close enough and I can live with the difference. There will be no FFS for me because I am comfortable with what I have. This is something not to be taken lightly but nobody is rushing you so take your time to find out what you are because we can't tell you. Options are cross dress, take hormones, therapy, live full time and have surgery. This is an a la carte menu and there may be a few thing the chef has in the kitchen I forgot to mention. Pick and chose what is right for you but be aware that the surgery option requires a number of things to go with it and it is final, there will be no going back.
If you do the HRT route is there going back from that or are the changes permanent from that as well? I'd personally just do the hormone route and not do the SRS, but possibly implants if I felt the HRT didn't provide enough of a change.
Depends on how long and how much. The shorter the time and the lower the dose although lower dose doesn't always guarantee that. The less likely permanent changes will occur.
Mariah
Quote from: Lost78 on May 30, 2015, 01:31:28 PM
If you do the HRT route is there going back from that or are the changes permanent from that as well? I'd personally just do the hormone route and not do the SRS, but possibly implants if I felt the HRT didn't provide enough of a change.
I have been off the hormones for about 10 years now and pretty much all the body shaping is still in place. You can have a mastectomy if you decide you made a mistake and the other changes are minor enough that pants will cover them or people will not notice. A male with a little more fat on is face will be taken as being a bit younger looking. Think it through carefully as a mastectomy is not a cheap painless operation but men often have this operation because of abnormal breast growth. Any strength loss will return with the return of male hormones.
Quote from: Lost78 on May 29, 2015, 07:45:14 PM
...I'm fine being a guy, I just want to be a girl. I want to do what they do, but what they buy, dress like they dress, I want breasts, I want silky smooth skin, I want to look hot as a woman. I fantasize about being a woman, but I've never dressed in drag or gone all day as a woman. I have worn woman's panties and gone out once. I have pleasures myself wearing panties and fantasizes I was woman when I did it, when I see pornography I fantasize that I'm the girl, meaning being desired and pleased and having sexual power...
That's called crossdessing. And by a definitions of this website, if you are crossdresser you ARE transgender! So there's your answer, you are transgender.
Should that mean that you must start taking hormones? Probably not the best idea... having genital surgery without a lot of therapy first, and a few years of real life experience, wouldn't be advised either.
But you should explore your feelings and see where it leads you. If you ever to start thinking about such things as hormones, a therapy with gender therapist would be a place to begin with.
Is it still cross dressing if I want a female body? I don't simply take pleasure in wearing women's clothes, I want to wear woman's clothes.
Hi Lost,
We are pretty much the same age (I'm 36) and while my dysphoria was a bit more intense and I do have a very long history of "cross dressing" before I started transition not everyone does.
As mentioned a therapist can help lend clarity to your situation.
Quote from: Lost78 on May 30, 2015, 03:53:32 PM
Is it still cross dressing if I want a female body? I don't simply take pleasure in wearing women's clothes, I want to wear woman's clothes.
I don't like the term "cross dressing" if you have a female gender identity. If you want to identify as female chances are that you are trans. If you simply cross dress for fun and/or want to identify as male you may not be.
It could be a good diagnostic tool though. My two therapists encouraged dressing and going out in public early on, just to ease me into it.
Sorry to give you this answer but you will not find an answer to day or for several more weeks. It took me nearly 9 years of active work before I was as near to 100% sure that surgery was the right decision for me. Granted I had many wrong turns but as you go through the process and try things, your view of what you want changes. The drives that pushed me into this were pretty well gone before surgery. Other things such as fear of appearing in public left much sooner. You need to plan a direction and start. If it isn't working out for you, stop, make new plans and try that direction. This process is a series of baby steps and I understand why you want to resolve it quickly but quick decisions here result in a life time of misery. We all did this exploring with the possibility of the young kids that are treated early before they develop the massive mental mess those of us who are older have. You had years to make the mess you have now and it will take a while to untangle it. In the mean time we will be here for you.
Thanks for your response, this has been difficult to at least give myself a better understanding of me, but as many said, only a therapist can assist in that, I would just rather know now and move forward with plans than not, but I guess that the nature of the beast. But I wouldn't be able to dress in full woman's clothes while I recognized myself as a male. I have however worn women's panties out and a bra and was fine, but dressing all the way, and going in public would more than likely deter me from transitioning rather than help me, but maybe that's what works for others I don't know. I've even messed around with makeup a bit and took pictures, but that's probably labeled as dressing in drag, I don't know. It's all very confusing. As a child I would alter my boys underwear to mimic that of a girls and would wear them, I guess to have owner ship of them to know they were mine rather than me wearing or trying on someone else, at times I would fantasies about being a girl and pleasure myself while wearing them, again as a girl, I would imagine I was a girl and my hands weren't my own... I don't know it all sounds messed up...again I don't know I was young and can't classify it as an adult other than assume it's cause I'm transgender. I'm sorry for all the questions and replies just trying to make sense of it all, but guess that's what a therapist if for...I just wish I had answers before hand.
For the most part we all played around with dress up at some point in our life but as I said, baby steps. You will get there but it will take time. There is no normal behavior that allows us to give you a yes/no answer. Enjoy the ride and don't forget to write.
I appreciate all of your time and the insight/information you've all provided me. I'll be calling ins. Provider on Monday to see if the gender therapists in my area are covered and set up an appointment a.s.a.p. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hello Lost,
You are where I was almost 18 months ago. There isn't really a replacement for therapy, and there probably won't be quick answers for you. I know I would have hated to hear that in your shoes!
I wanted therapy to scan me and give a printout with a definition and then a course of action. Again, that's not how it works. It is only you who can define yourself. Remember it's a spectrum and remember there is fluidity on the spectrum. What (or where) you are now doesn't necessarily stay fixed for life. Take small steps when you are sure and it's easier to move back again.
Taking bigger steps is fine too when the doubts in your mind are no longer doubts but certainties.
I had a big case of denial happening. And fear. And a kind of inbuilt self transphobia. It is these things that need the careful unravelling.
Best of luck with finding good therapy, some answers maybe, but more so, the right questions.
MSG me if you like.
X
Hi Lost,
Check this website: www.amitransgender.com
Love,
April
Quote from: carmenkate on May 30, 2015, 06:25:40 PM
Hi Lost,
Check this website: www.amitransgender.com
Love,
April
Oh good that cleared things up nicely, thank you soooo much April, now onto HRT! ;)
Hey Lost,
When I started questioning myself a few months ago, this video really helped me quite a lot.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ_Esfxavow&list=PLYwW2DO3Ojwm_8XRY4P7OGSzH0Cl5zoh2 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ_Esfxavow&list=PLYwW2DO3Ojwm_8XRY4P7OGSzH0Cl5zoh2)
Hope this helps!
What's the second video!!!! Where's the sequel??? I have to answer question two now!!!
Quote from: Lost78 on May 30, 2015, 09:42:10 PM
What's the second video!!!! Where's the sequel??? I have to answer question two now!!!
youtube dot com/watch?v=KfXQxn98Q6I
That was amazing thank you. Funny how at the end the lady is all...by the way; if your watching this...your transgender. Lol. But seriously thank you, I'm going to look at other videos that channel has... Thanks for the referral.
Quote from: carmenkate on May 30, 2015, 06:25:40 PM
Hi Lost,
Check this website: www.amitransgender.com
Love,
April
Lol!
As much as this is a joke it's actually partially true.
Cis people don't usually question their gender. So if you're questioning your gender there is a possibility you aren't cisgender.
She made several other videos on the same subject. I suggest you look on you tube for the transition channel to see the rest. I have watched several and they are all good.
Short answer, Yes. You have doubts, you have questions, you have fantasies.
No, the next step is not whacking off your nuts and living as a woman. Transgender is a spectrum where we all live somewhere between between 100% cis male and 100% cis female. Now, where you reside on this spectrum is a question only you can answer. THat answer is also subject to change over time, in either direction.
A for real gender therapist is your best bet. Unfortunately, unless you live or can travel to a major metro area the odds of finding one are slim. A TG support group may help. It may also unduly influence you. A gender therapist will challenge you, make you think, make you ask yourself the hard questions you may not even know to ask, in order to help you sort out where you stand in the TG spectrum.
I was very similar; it suddenly hit me at 32 that I wanted to live as a woman. I didn't hate my body, I wasn't depressed (yet), I wasn't suicidal or miserable. I thought I'd be happ*ier* as a woman, but I was content as a guy. And I probably would have figured it out sooner if someone had told me that this was possible - that it wasn't necessary to be desperate or suffering to "deserve" to transition.
I started off taking baby steps like ear piercing, and seeing how I felt. I figured I could stop at any point if something didn't make me happier, and it's also possible to customize your journey (for one thing, surgery is NOT required, and you're absolutely just as validly trans if you choose to be non-op). I didn't admit I was really trans until I'd gotten as far as scheduling GRS, mind you. :) I kept waiting for someone to tell me I wasn't deserving of it because I wasn't desperate. But the thing is, being a woman did in fact make me much happier, and that's a good enough reason to transition.
Short answer : you can do what makes you feel better without committing to any sort of long-term path, and don't let anyone else tell you that there's only one way to be trans. You may turn around in a year and realize you want to spend the rest of your life as a woman; you may not, or you may fall anywhere in between. It's all OK, and you're entitled to change your life in ways that make you happier. Oh, and there definitely are trans lesbians! I'm bisexual myself, but lots of trans women here are lesbians.