This is my first post so please be gentle. I'm not going to go too deep into my life story but I suspect I am a ftm man. I have always preferred to wear men's clothes instead of women's clothes. I have always been EXTREMELY uncomfortable in women's clothing. It just doesn't feel "right" to me. Throughout my life, I have daydreamed about what it would be like to be a boy instead of a girl. These thoughts have always been confusing to me and I just don't what do about them because I don't really have anybody to talk to about these type of subjects without fear of rejection. I used to dress in men's clothes regularly (button up shirts and men's jeans), but I stopped due to ridicule from other people around me. As a result, I began dressing like a woman again. I grew up in a very conservative community so I guess that had a lot of influence on my behavior. How do I know if i'm really trans or if this is just an overextended tomboy phase?
Hi Espeon,
The only person who can really answer that is you. If you can get in contact with a gender therapist, they can ask the right questions for you to be able to figure it out. Usually if you think you are a man, you are. The physical aspect differing with that is what often causes the distress that leads people to need/want to transition.
I'm glad you have joined us. I think the more stories you read of other peoples experiences, the more information you will have to base your thoughts on.
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Thank you LordKAT. :) It feels good to share these feelings I've been having because I have never told anyone about this online or IRL. Thank you for making me feel welcome.
Welcome aboard Espeon. LordKat has it right. You are going to continue to be the best qualified person to connect the dots and define yourself. And sometimes the labels don't help. There are so many unique journeys but some commonalities too. Being open and able to accept your felt gender ID and the persistence of that feeling are important to many of us. This is no phase and not just what we wear. Similar to you, but going MtF, I had that extreme discomfort in mens clothing, especially a suit and tie and would have loved something soft and pretty.
Anatomy is not destiny. This is a great place to share if there are limited resources in the queer world near you.
You are quite welcome. We have almost all been scared to tell of those feelings. You are not alone in that at all.
I have suspected that I was ftm for a long time now but I'm still not quite sure. I am straight. Is it possible that trans people are attracted to the same gender they identify with? I apologize for my ignorance. There are some things I enjoy about being female but sometimes I just feel like I'm going through the motions and the only reason I "enjoy" it is because I have just grown to live with it. It's almost like I've been brainwashed to accept that I have to be female because I was born as a female. I just feel like i'm denying my true self.
Trans people are just like other people, some like men, some like women, some like both. Who you like, has no bearing on who you are.
Hi and welcome,
Yes it is quite common that people feel some affection for the gender they were reared as, after all we have been socialised as, in your case female, in mine male. In fact a common question that people ask a therapist is 'please make my brain match my body. Unfortunately that isn't possible. Your body can however be made to match your brain.
As for sexual orientation, that has nothing to do with gender. I'm also straight, I like men. Many transgender women like other women, same with transmen, some are Gay some are straight.
In many cases also gender reassignment clarifies our sexual preference. I for example was unaccepting of being a Gay male, mainly because I'm a woman. Once I was reassigned it all made sense. I'm a straight female.
It sounds complicated but really it isn't!
Is it possible for you to have a few sessions with a good gender therapist? They really do help to guide you in your thoughts. They don't change your thoughts or opinions, but they can help you explore them.
Hi Espeon
I would totally agree with Cindy on considering a therapist.
If you are questioning your gender, one of the key things is to try and free your mind. We are all so heavily conditioned by social expectations of traditional gender roles and sexual orientations, and we need to escape from these. Equally as important, we need to escape the inner guilt and expectations we've built for ourselves. I've seen so many people here consumed by this guilt, as well as saying how being transgender doesn't fit into their life plan. We have to overcome these things.
Just a comment: consulting a therapist doesn't put you on an inexorable path anywhere. Fundamentally it allows you to understand who you really are, once you peel away the layers of protection and assumption. For this reason alone it's is a journey worth taking. Once you are armed with this knowledge you can decide what to do with it, and that remains fully your choice.
Hugs
Julia
Hi Espeon, I am a FTM also and l am 51 who has finally decided to try and work this out myself. I have felt male since I can remember at 6 years old and I did everything that a female is supposed too do. Got married, had a kid, etc. But I could not for the life of me wear womens clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc. I have tried to bury these feelings all my life and please everyone around me but it's gotten to the point I can't ignore this any longer and to put a kink in the wrench I am attracted to both sexes and I am married to a man. :-\
Just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Hi Espeon, welcome to Susan's. As others have said only can determine if your transgendered, but the fact your questioning your gender is a good sign that are. A good gender therapist would be a great place to start to get a better feel and understanding of these feelings. We have all been through this so your not alone. Like you do know, we all had to sort this out at one point to. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
You could have a look here for a few thought that might help you :
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,189616.msg1687724.html#msg1687724
Its a process... take the time you need but keep at it...
many others have done this successfully, too...
and it can be fun to experiment with hair and clothing styles...
some people do some small things daily, like mens accessoires... wearing mens underwear... etc...
hugs
Just bear in mind that gender identity is a spectrum, just like sexual orientation. Some people sit firmly at one end or the other of male/female slider scale. Some people sit squarely in the middle (androgynous), most are actually part way to one side or the other, and heck, some even throw it out the window entirely and refuse to acknowledge it's existence in their lives, lol (non-binary). Additionally, some people's position on the scale changes from month to month, week to week, day to day, or moment to moment, etc...
What I'm saying is, "transgender" is really an umbrella term encompassing everyone who doesn't fall into the normal binary of gender roles. If you're a crossdresser, you're transgender, if you need/want to modify your body to match your gender identity, you're transgender, if you're non-binary, you're transgender, etc... You don't have to transition to identify as transgender, but you do have to identify what you need in your life to alleviate the dysphoria, anxiety, depression or whatever other symptoms are brought on by continuing to live exclusively as your assigned gender at birth.
Best advice you can get right now is to A) see a gender therapist to help you identify the right questions to ask yourself, and B) get out there and try some things to see what you like. Be it makeup, underwear, clothes, wigs, etc...
You have come to the right place to talk to people, Espeon. Everyone who posts here is gentle with each other that I've seen. You can talk about anything trans related here and maybe that will help you know for sure if you're trans or not. What opened my eyes was having a few trans friends. I remember thinking is it contagious? I didn't really care whether it was or not because I recalled instances in my child hood when I was different than other girls as don't think like other women as an adult.
Maybe it would also help you to make a list of things throughout your life about you that you think were masculine. I don't know if you're someone that likes to keep a journal or not. I have always loved notebooks and writing. I am keeping a journal of my thoughts an feelings about being trans FTM.
Welcome to Susan's, I hope you decide to stay here and chat.
Well thank you for all the information and support everyone. I definitely think I should see a gender therapist sometime in the near future. For now, I think I'm just going to explore the forums and do some more research about ftm.
Quote from: Tristan on June 04, 2015, 10:24:00 AM
Just bear in mind that gender identity is a spectrum, just like sexual orientation. Some people sit firmly at one end or the other of male/female slider scale. Some people sit squarely in the middle (androgynous), most are actually part way to one side or the other, and heck, some even throw it out the window entirely and refuse to acknowledge it's existence in their lives, lol (non-binary). Additionally, some people's position on the scale changes from month to month, week to week, day to day, or moment to moment, etc...
What I'm saying is, "transgender" is really an umbrella term encompassing everyone who doesn't fall into the normal binary of gender roles. If you're a crossdresser, you're transgender, if you need/want to modify your body to match your gender identity, you're transgender, if you're non-binary, you're transgender, etc... You don't have to transition to identify as transgender, but you do have to identify what you need in your life to alleviate the dysphoria, anxiety, depression or whatever other symptoms are brought on by continuing to live exclusively as your assigned gender at birth.
Best advice you can get right now is to A) see a gender therapist to help you identify the right questions to ask yourself, and B) get out there and try some things to see what you like. Be it makeup, underwear, clothes, wigs, etc...
I never knew it was a spectrum until now. I've always put the idea of being trans out of my mind because I just can't see myself transitioning into a super masculine man. I've basically always been under the impression that in order to be ftm you have to be attracted to women and you have to be "butch." (I'm sorry if that term is offensive to anyone, just let me know if it is and i'll remove it) I feel like an ignorant fool now that I know that is not the case lol. I'm going to start wearing men's clothes again in public and find my style again. I love wearing men's jeans and men's watches, so maybe I'll start there. I'm just going to take small steps for now. It's been a long time since I've worn men's clothes and I'm still very scared of being ridiculed again for it.
I've been wearing women's pants at work for weeks and just got asked about it yesterday! People are more oblivious than you think, and most of them wouldn't say anything anyways. :) Wear what makes you comfortable and happy, and presentable. Like, don't wear a tank top and swim trunks to the office, haha. I'm actually hoping that I can find a good fitting women's suit with skirt soon. Have fun exploring!
Quote from: Espeon1990 on June 04, 2015, 01:22:27 PM
I've always put the idea of being trans out of my mind because I just can't see myself transitioning into a super masculine man.
I struggled with this too in the beginning of my transition, Espeon. I'm finally learning that just like there are lots of different kinds of cis men, there are lots of different kinds of trans men. Me, I'm always going be a little flamboyant, and I'm always going to be attracted to guys--those are essential parts of who I am as a person. There is no one right way to be a guy. Isn't that awesome?
Welcome!
Yes that is awesome Clever! :) I've done quite a bit more research and soul searching today and I honestly think I am somewhere on the spectrum...I just don't know if I wan't to give myself a label. There are quite a bit of them out there: ftm, non binary, bi-gender etc... I guess like everyone said it will take time to figure it out. I want to see a GT soon but I just can't seem to shake this feeling of shame and embarrassment about my trans feelings. Did anyone else feel embarrassment at first? Is that a normal part of the process?
Quote from: Espeon1990 on June 04, 2015, 07:50:32 PM
Yes that is awesome Clever! :) I've done quite a bit more research and soul searching today and I honestly think I am somewhere on the spectrum...I just don't know if I wan't to give myself a label. There are quite a bit of them out there: ftm, non binary, bi-gender etc... I guess like everyone said it will take time to figure it out. I want to see a GT soon but I just can't seem to shake this feeling of shame and embarrassment about my trans feelings. Did anyone else feel embarrassment at first? Is that a normal part of the process?
Acceptance is part of the process.
I'd say go with an inner feeling of joy...
You might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has some biological connections, which is imo socially a bit better acceptable, and it might help with self acceptance.
hugs
Another board member posted this information but if you go to youtube and request "The transition channel" you will find a discussion on transgender from a medical point of view. The first time I viewed it I recalled nights many years ago in treatment where these topics were discussed. I think you will find yourself a good match for the title but if you don't, this still a good place to explore your inter feelings. I am happy and never once thought I made a mistake but even after all these years I am still making connections that fill more of the picture in. It may not come to you all at once but it will over time.
Quote from: Espeon1990 on June 04, 2015, 07:50:32 PM
Yes that is awesome Clever! :) I've done quite a bit more research and soul searching today and I honestly think I am somewhere on the spectrum...I just don't know if I wan't to give myself a label. There are quite a bit of them out there: ftm, non binary, bi-gender etc... I guess like everyone said it will take time to figure it out. I want to see a GT soon but I just can't seem to shake this feeling of shame and embarrassment about my trans feelings. Did anyone else feel embarrassment at first? Is that a normal part of the process?
This is interesting stuff to learn about. I've been reading about this subject ever since I was a teenager. I hope you enjoy yourself, Espeon.
I am really glad I found this place regardless if I decide to label myself or not. Like I said before I live in a very conservative area and I don't have anyone to talk about trans stuff IRL. It's nice to not feel alone anymore.
I definitely felt embarrassed when I first started this journey. And fearful. Terrified, really. These are normal feelings. You'll settle into yourself with time. It seems unbelievable now, but you will. Don't concern yourself with labels if nothing seems to fit right now. Take your time and learn about yourself. There is no rush.
Reaching out for support is a brave thing to do. Glad you're here.
Quote from: Espeon1990 on June 04, 2015, 09:03:45 PM
I am really glad I found this place regardless if I decide to label myself or not. Like I said before I live in a very conservative area and I don't have anyone to talk about trans stuff IRL. It's nice to not feel alone anymore.
That is the first step in treatment. For me, it was finding the group where I was able to get moving in treatment. The first night, I felt like I didn't belong with this fine people because of the way I felt, but within a couple of meeting, I felt kinship with them. We were traveling the same road but we might not be going to the same place. We don't care what you decided to do with your life as long as you will be happy. All of us have had far to much pain in life and it's time to end it. Living in a conservative area may make you uncomfortable for now but take a look at where I am. I am working in an industrial rental yard surround by a bunch of truckers who love the american way and are strongly interested in conservative politics. I have not seen any signs that they are uncomfortable with me even though I have voice issues that I am sure have given me away. Conservatives can be good people as long as you take it slow and easy showing them the new you is a nice person that it's worth getting to know. Judge each person by what they are and most will judge you the same way. Yes there may be a few problems but overall people are good.
Quote from: Espeon1990 on June 04, 2015, 07:50:32 PM
I just can't seem to shake this feeling of shame and embarrassment about my trans feelings. Did anyone else feel embarrassment at first? Is that a normal part of the process?
Normal is a small town in Indiana :D Seriously tho it is very common, in my experience, that shame and embarrassment with the resultant fear of rejection that impact our progress. Liberating ourselves from the stereotypes and strictures of culture is a process of affirming your truth and elimination of those negative internal tapes. It can start with simple affirmations that you are in charge of your identity and destiny. I have read some great books with scruffy covers ;) When I was first coming out I would tell people, "I know what i look like but that is not who I am."
Quote from: Tessa James on June 05, 2015, 11:48:58 AM
I have read some great books with scruffy covers ;)
Talking about me again. ;)
Tessa's right though. The feelings of embarrassment are valid feelings. The process is different for everyone, and so how you feel about it is going to be different from others. Some parts will be like another persons experiences and some won't. It is all still valid.
Quote from: Tessa James on June 05, 2015, 11:48:58 AM
Normal is a small town in Indiana :D Seriously tho it is very common, in my experience, that shame and embarrassment with the resultant fear of rejection that impact our progress. Liberating ourselves from the stereotypes and strictures of culture is a process of affirming your truth and elimination of those negative internal tapes. It can start with simple affirmations that you are in charge of your identity and destiny. I have read some great books with scruffy covers ;) When I was first coming out I would tell people, "I know what i look like but that is not who I am."
When I first posted on this forum I was initially shameful because it was the first time I really analyzed my gender dysphoria and really, deeply thought about it. I think Iv'e been in denial of it for a long time, which isn't healthy at all. It's funny because it's only been a very short time since my first post and I already feel so much better. If I feel like a man inside then that makes me a man, and there is nothing unnatural about that.
Quote from: Espeon1990 on June 06, 2015, 08:48:43 PM
If I feel like a man inside then that makes me a man, and there is nothing unnatural about that.
Exactly!!
Quote from: Espeon1990 on June 06, 2015, 08:48:43 PM
When I first posted on this forum I was initially shameful because it was the first time I really analyzed my gender dysphoria and really, deeply thought about it. I think Iv'e been in denial of it for a long time, which isn't healthy at all. It's funny because it's only been a very short time since my first post and I already feel so much better. If I feel like a man inside then that makes me a man, and there is nothing unnatural about that.
We are here to help you find your way but you have to do the heavy lifting. If you are feeling better, I think I can speak for everybody in saying we are glad we could help.