Morning All,
Troubles sleeping and a thought popped back into my head from the other day.
Having spent awhile on the site I see a lot of things blamed or labeled dysphoria. I am by no means suggesting it is not a debilitating experience. I have had my crippling bouts myself. However, I at this point of acceptance of my Trans life have immediately gone to that word whenever I feel bad.
The other day, my day started really badly. I could claim some of my coordination problems are connected to a disconnected feeling I have to my body but some days, I'm just a klutz. It struck me, as the 5th thing before leaving for work went wrong; Wow, I'm having a really bad day. I think that being so close to the time I accepted myself as MTF, everything is seen through that lens. This hit me out of the blue that it was not gender or dysphoria related at all.
I'm sorry if this is obvious to all but me before this, but it was another defining moment for me. Even Alexander in the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Very Bad, No Good Day has a bad day.I guess what I am saying is that it showed me a return to some aspect of normalcy in what has been a turmoil of expected and unexpected discoveries. I imagine the discoveries will continue as I continue my journey. I hope to be able to look at things both through my "trans lens" and take it away before snapping to a conclusion.
As bad days go. It got better. I found it easier to take in stride. Still at the first small steps pre nearly everything. I think (there I go putting that lens firmly back in place) that I took it better because I feel closer to knowing who I am and where I am going.
Little embarrassed by this post but felt I should share it. Not sure why.
With warm thoughts,
Joanna
There's no doubt the wheel can get a bit wobbly sometimes, and even fall off the cart. And you're right, everyone has them. Sure isn't fun at the time though!!
Oh Honey,
I so remember!
The first day going into my backyard to hang up the washing wearing a skirt! What a milestone!! Going to my post box. Walking in the dark night, hidden from view.
The terror.
The excitement.
The question? Maybe, just maybe I can do this?
No. Absolutely NO. I can't. I'm a fool for evening thinking I can face my horror. Everyone will laugh. They will point. They will ridicule.
Then I was standing on the side of the road waiting to cross, the breeze was on my bare legs, wafting around my skirt. Was I frightened? No I wasn't. My terror had gone.
I walked into work as me, my staff looked at me, oddly!
Hi, I'm Cindy, I use to be Peter. I hope you can accept me.
That was four years ago.
Ye they accepted me, as they will you when your time is right.
When it is right for you.
You will get there Hon
Cindy
Hugs Joanna. I hope by the time you read this your day is better.
I'll have to say, even bad days as a woman have a tinge of sweetness to them because of who I'm allowing myself to be.
Hi Joanna. I hope your already having a better day. It's true that many of the things that cause us to have a bad day eventually may not even be trans related despite our looking through those lens all the time. It's like the person messing with my hair on the bus. My first thought was it was trans related, but I never did have proof of that. More likely he was just some jerk. Were all going to have those moments. Work your way through them the best you can, but don't let them get you down. Things do get better. Hugs
Mariah
I used to notice with my mental health clients that they attributed every bad thing that happened to their illness. I would constantly try to tell them that everyone has issues, you just don't see them. I thought it was a disservice to them that we, as counselors, weren't allowed to refer to our own issues. It made it seem like "normal" people had no problems at all. I know that the worst of my problems now have little or nothing to do with being trans, but it's easy to forget that.
You are all so kind. Thank you.
My day did get better, thanks. I was surprised that it improved more quickly than those kinds of days have in a long time. I guess I was just encouraged by the facts:
1 as far as bad days go, I felt more in control of myself.
2 it didn't seem like the end of the world
3 I could see the potential of normalcy(everybody has bad days) in the whirlwind of uncertainty
4 it's not always about what's wrong with me(even if I am not to blame for my dysphoria)
5 there are improvements in my mental state without even starting hormones yet(I thought I would just have to rely on coping and distractions till I got there)
I guess sometimes a cigar is a cigar. A suckish day can be just that.
Cindy, you did touch on a real beginner set of issues that I was going to research then write a topic about. Thanks for sharing the anxiety you felt before going public and at some of your firsts. I appreciate how much many of you are willing to share of vulnerable moments in your journey. I may be trying some of this (going public)shortly and am looking for small steps, or should I just rip the band aid off and go all out. Anyway, no one has to respond to that, I imagine within 24 hours I will have worked up a new topic touching on that in a more (hopefully) articulate way.
With appreciation and gratitude,
Joanna