Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm at 20 months and feel pretty comfortable about " passing " most of the time when I try to " pass ". I sometimes freak out in a mall or some huge store, but mostly I feel pretty good , unless it late at night and I walk by a group of guys I get a little concerned. I started " passing partially at about 6 months and at 20 months it doesn't really bother me much.

There's not really an option for "Never worried about it at all."

I honestly don't remember but maybe my lack of caring started during this past winter. This was around the time I started wearing short skirts without leggings. In order to pull it off, I couldn't care what anyone else thought.

I went full time 6 week after FFS.  It took about 10 months before I stopped worrying completely.

Jen

6 months or so

I knew before starting transition that what is typically called passing was not likely for me as a late in life transitioner.  My goals were simply to live happily as my real self and i have always passed perfectly as myself even before HRT ;)

If passing means appearing to everyone as a FAAB then lots of surgery and other dramatic changes would be needed for this girl.  Those who knew me for 60 years prior to transition would probably still see some of the former man in me.  Big whoop, it's true.   I lived as a guy for a long time.

My aspirations for passing are to not worry about it at all.  While I prefer people getting me right I just can't let others dictate my identity, self respect or keep me home in the closet.  Diversity is part of the wealth of community.  Viva la difference.

"Passing" sounds like we are talking about the deceased or a case of flatulence.  And both of those are expected and natural events too. ;D

12 - 18 months hormones only (15 months more precisely.)

I can be wearing a Giants football linebackers uniform, no makeup and my hair tied up short. I will still get gendered female. ;D

Quote from: Tessa James on June 11, 2015, 07:00:58 PM
I knew before starting transition that what is typically called passing was not likely for me as a late in life transitioner.  My goals were simply to live happily as my real self and i have always passed perfectly as myself even before HRT ;)

If passing means appearing to everyone as a FAAB then lots of surgery and other dramatic changes would be needed for this girl.  Those who knew me for 60 years prior to transition would probably still see some of the former man in me.  Big whoop, it's true.   I lived as a guy for a long time.

My aspirations for passing are to not worry about it at all.  While I prefer people getting me right I just can't let others dictate my identity, self respect or keep me home in the closet.  Diversity is part of the wealth of community.  Viva la difference.

"Passing" sounds like we are talking about the deceased or a case of flatulence.  And both of those are expected and natural events too. ;D

Same here, no matter what I do, everyone knows it's me. I pass as me 100% of the time. It's a burden,  but I'm a trooper.  ;D

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on June 11, 2015, 07:35:21 PM
Same here, no matter what I do, everyone knows it's me. I pass as me 100% of the time. It's a burden,  but I'm a trooper.  ;D

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on June 11, 2015, 07:35:21 PM
Same here, no matter what I do, everyone knows it's me. I pass as me 100% of the time. It's a burden,  but I'm a trooper.  ;D

Hugs, Devlyn

Lol!

I can't even do that these days. :\

Stephanie, I love your polls, but this one seems to have a scope issue. All the answers seem to be keyed off a transition timeline. As we know, not everyone transitions, and it is independent of "passing" anyway. To that end, although I'm not a transsexual or transitioning, I voted 18 to 24 months because that is about how far into my process I was when I realized it didn't matter how other people see me.

Hugs, Devlyn

I worried more about it before I started working as myself, but once I got used to being in front of the public all the time, it just stopped bothering me so much. Its not like I'll ever pass anyway...

You seem passable as any other gg

Even though I was passing without issues 3 1/2 months into HRT, I still worried about it. After always being gendered female for well over a year I finally figured that I just don't need to worry about it anymore.

2.5 years in, and I'm still worried about it.

I thought I was getting close to the point where I could just take my gender for granted, since even though I still saw a man in the mirror a lot, I was never misgendered and never shown open signs of people being aware of my trans status. My mind was slowly calming down with the thought "nobody notices but you."

But just a week ago my work supervisor dropped a big bombshell on me by telling me that I'm not passing, that everyone I work with knows I'm trans, and not just because other people told them, and I got called "he" for the first time in a year by a complete stranger.

I was pretty devastated. My own self-critical eye was right all along.

And so I'm still not at the point where I can relax. I'm still stuck being afraid every single day that my outward appearance invalidates my gender, and there's never a time that I don't worry about it to one degree or another. It's not something that really affects my life that much anymore because I've learned to live with it, but the concern is still there.

And I still can't wear unisex clothing and just be automatically gendered female anyway. People stare when I do, and they tend to avoid pronouns rather than say "he" or "she." So yeah, regrettably, I'm just not there yet. I still can't just relax and be confident.

The first few months. I made a point early on to invest less emotion into 'passing', and just go with the flow. It was a decision.

Things have been smooth since then.

This is a long road and we simply must be kind to ourselves.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on June 12, 2015, 05:38:18 AM
2.5 years in, and I'm still worried about it.

I thought I was getting close to the point where I could just take my gender for granted, since even though I still saw a man in the mirror a lot, I was never misgendered and never shown open signs of people being aware of my trans status. My mind was slowly calming down with the thought "nobody notices but you."

But just a week ago my work supervisor dropped a big bombshell on me by telling me that I'm not passing, that everyone I work with knows I'm trans, and not just because other people told them, and I got called "he" for the first time in a year by a complete stranger.

I was pretty devastated. My own self-critical eye was right all along.

And so I'm still not at the point where I can relax. I'm still stuck being afraid every single day that my outward appearance invalidates my gender, and there's never a time that I don't worry about it to one degree or another. It's not something that really affects my life that much anymore because I've learned to live with it, but the concern is still there.

And I still can't wear unisex clothing and just be automatically gendered female anyway. People stare when I do, and they tend to avoid pronouns rather than say "he" or "she." So yeah, regrettably, I'm just not there yet. I still can't just relax and be confident.

Wow what a you know what hugs

I'm two years out and still worry about it. Being clocked bothers me, being seen as a woman without my baggage and history still thrills me.

Oh, this poll was simple. I didn't start my transition, but I also don't care anymore.

That however, conceals the full story. See, 2+ years ago I moved to the Netherlands. I started over as a man, in my last attempt to fight my gender. Broke down in January 2015, so that was it. I am who I am and will waste no more time pretending. I started going out again just to be among people, to have a warm drink near a busy street, and to see how people react. Dutch people are very good at minding their own business in general; so far tourists caused me most trouble in form of comments, swears, finger-pointing, being excited they 'blew my cover', giving me angry stares etc.

I know I am not passable. I still have that beard shadow and I suck at makeup. This week I had my first laser session so it will take a while to get that in order. But I don't intend to hide indoors, except from sun rays of course. This is my life and I did nothing wrong to be confined to my home.

It was around the three year mark when I decided I wasn't going to worry about 'passing' anymore.  That was when I started my studies to become a social worker and decided to be open about being TG.

After I came to that decision whenever someone made an insulting remark about me it was because they were ill mannered and rude not because I couldn't 'pass'.  Having worked in disability employment for 3 years I know very well that there are plenty of ill mannered and rude folk about who laugh at and insult anybody they see as being different so I refuse to buy into the whole 'passing' gig.

And Tessa I loved your comments on what the word 'passing' reminds you of  :laugh:

I was mostly passable and went full-time at about 3-4 months but wasn't comfortable until about 6-9 months in. After a while I realized I wasn't getting clocked at all by anyone and was being gendered correctly all the time. Plus my voice had caught up with my appearance. Then I had guys hitting on me a lot, chatting me up at bars, etc. No problems in the bathroom. No real issues anywhere. I eventually realized I wasn't thinking 'do I pass?' when I went out, I was thinking 'do I look good or do I look gooood'. :laugh:

Quote from: Ashey on June 13, 2015, 02:41:43 AM
I was mostly passable and went full-time at about 3-4 months but wasn't comfortable until about 6-9 months in. After a while I realized I wasn't getting clocked at all by anyone and was being gendered correctly all the time. Plus my voice had caught up with my appearance. Then I had guys hitting on me a lot, chatting me up at bars, etc. No problems in the bathroom. No real issues anywhere. I eventually realized I wasn't thinking 'do I pass?' when I went out, I was thinking 'do I look good or do I look gooood'. :laugh:

i hope i can go out like that

Quote from: Ashey on June 13, 2015, 02:41:43 AM
I was mostly passable and went full-time at about 3-4 months but wasn't comfortable until about 6-9 months in. After a while I realized I wasn't getting clocked at all by anyone and was being gendered correctly all the time. Plus my voice had caught up with my appearance. Then I had guys hitting on me a lot, chatting me up at bars, etc. No problems in the bathroom. No real issues anywhere. I eventually realized I wasn't thinking 'do I pass?' when I went out, I was thinking 'do I look good or do I look gooood'. :laugh:

Love it. I think it's important that the experiences of gorgeously successful transitioners be heard. Tired of being forced into modesty. So here it is. Rock on sister! Cuz you - do!

I started passing to others most of the time at around month 6-7, shortly after VFS & trach shave. But, it took much longer before the thought was completely rid from my head. I used to have a pronounced brow that made me avoid certain lighting conditions- like the plague.. I was always computing that factor, which frequently threw me for a loop in trigger land. Also 9/10 kids would stare at me dubiously. Regardless, I always found a way to be happy with the loving bunch of people I call my friends, my family, and my coworkers. They have all been supportive since day one. Probably most importantly to my mental health, I knew that I was still early on and trusted that the best times were yet to come- whether it be transition related or not. Voice was a massive undertaking and learning experience. It took a buttload of time to get used to that one and feel confident about it (even with VFS). The first 14 months were completely transformative- every month felt like a new chapter of life in society. My brain was in sponge mode, and passing was always on my mind.

Probably somewhere around the 16-18 month mark (after FFS recovery) I realized that passing wasn't crossing my mind much at all anymore. I started leveling out and relaxing. That is when I think I started passing at all times (having confidence really does make a huge difference). I still battled with body dysphoria, but the actual worry of passing has been totally gone from my mind for about a year now since then (another 12 months). I realized several months ago that the body dysphoria is just the perfectionist in me- always wanting to tweak and improve. I do not believe it is even a trans thing- but rather just a part of life.

Could I [mentally] be where I am today without the surgeries I chose to have? Well, no. They made a huge difference to my quality of life and [consequently] my well being. But the real kicker for me was having hope that I might pass some day- in the form of options and realistic / attainable goals. I trusted myself to always find a meaningful step in a good direction, and I still do.

So I'm rounding out month 7 here really and I pass visually but I do get clocked when I speak.

People avoid pronouns when I am dressed in male clothing (good). I've been gendered female in unisex clothes - polo shirt and jeans (good).

I don't get stared at by most people, not even kids, not even close up (eg on a bus).

But yesterday I had to talk loudly in McDonald's and the guy called me sir while his back was turned to me.

Oh well two weeks I will be having VFS. I can't wait. I will be silent and have a good excuse at the very least lol then my voice should get better.

Being sir'ed hurts. But I try not to let it bother me too much.

Here's the fun thing - at work I'm not fully out yet but most people who don't know me tend to hold the door for me now. Even if I'm in guy clothes. That tells me something at least I look feminine to some degree. Not sure if I would call it a pass or male fail but I'll take it.

I still worry about it but I'm worrying less and less. One day I will stop worrying about it completely.

I didn't answer.  I think I would say "not yet".  I am close.  I don't worry about it nearly as much as I used to, but it is still there. I think (hope) that it will continue to decrease as I get further into my transition.  Part of my decrease in worrying about it is that I am passing fairly regularly, but a big part of it is just deciding to be happy with being transgender and even a little proud.  Coming out at work helped a lot with that.  Everyone there knows my past, but have been very supportive.  That helped reinforce the idea that I am different, but different is not a bad thing.

Kim

I had a bad experience at the beginning of my transition, i got beaten up by 3 guys which terrified me, so after that it took me a while to feel comfortable with passing, But time is a great healer and now i feel that i don't need to even think about it.. it took me from then about a year to feel the way i do now i was 18 at the time now im 30 xx

Quote from: leacobb on June 13, 2015, 09:10:08 AM
I had a bad experience at the beginning of my transition, i got beaten up by 3 guys which terrified me, so after that it took me a while to feel comfortable with passing

Omg, that is horrible. The feeling is known to me. I myself got cornered, beaten and robbed by a man who I let in my home. After he was done with sex. I did invite him, but just for the sex part. That was August 2012. It took time until January 2015 to let another man come close. I am sorry to have missed those years.

 Im ok now it was a few years ago now and im a big believer in what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.. it was a scary experiance and it did take me a while to feel safe enough to even go outside but with help from friends i managed to make that first move and i havnt regretted it since.. There are people in the world who will never understand or even want to. But them people will not stop me living my own life.. I feel that the trans community  are the strongest people because of all the fighting we have to go through everyday not only with the world but within ourselfs aswell.. xxx

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that's one of my big fears, I always try to stay in safe areas

I do want to say that being passable isn't the end of my transition by a long shot. Just one of many goals that I actually managed to meet. But there are a lot of times these days where I look at myself in the mirror... I think, am I really that different? Am I that far along? I have the basic template down, and I look like and am treated like any other woman. But then what else is there? I know my breasts are still growing and developing, and I may get further rounding and softening all over.. Body hair may keep thinning a bit. But those are minor things. Rhinoplasty? Breast augmentation? Those are cosmetic, and not necessary to be accepted as a woman, or for me to accept myself as a woman. SRS? Well, it is a big goal, but for one I'm not hugely dysphoric about what's down there. It just doesn't match the rest of me anymore, and is annoying when wearing panties or when it becomes 'unseated' out in public... But still, when I look in the mirror and wonder what else there is to do, having a vagina isn't the be all end all for me. It's not the final goal and isn't going to make me feel complete. Thinking about all this, I realized that it's not just physical stuff. I may have gotten over the 'passing paranoia' in public but looking at myself, I still haven't gotten used to the changes. It's all happened so quickly, that I still often have trouble coping with it all. It's not bad or anything, just hard to fathom going from one completely different person to another in less than a year. I still have to reconcile all that and come to terms with it. And beyond all that, I also realize I am a baby.. I may technically be an adult but I'm still going through puberty again, and it's not just physical but mental and emotional as well. I have a lot of growing yet to do until I consider myself a woman. A lot more I need to go through and experience. Granted I've already been through a lot in a short period of time, but for now I'm just a little girl who has some growing up to do. In time, I hope to figure out my sexuality, become a mother, determine what kind of a woman I want to be, and ultimately see how it all turns out. Those are just a few of my big goals in life as a woman.. passing is really just a small piece of a big beginning. I just hope some of you don't see it as the only goal there is, or the most important. There is a lot more to womanhood, and not all cis-women pass either.

Quote from: Lady Smith on June 12, 2015, 08:29:52 PM
And Tessa I loved your comments on what the word 'passing' reminds you of  :laugh:

A little humor helps. ;)  When I was a nurse anesthetist we called ourselves gas passers.  Such stature :D

Probably around 5 to 6 months. The biggest part for me was getting comfortable with my voice because it was certainly one of the factors that always brought this issue to the for front. It was just a matter of being comfortable with everything to the point I don't focus on it.
Mariah

I worried about it and continued to worry about it, being occasionally (but not often) clocked clear up to my 31st month on HRT, which is when I had FFS.

When the last tape and bandages came off in mid-May, my entire public experience went from the occasional double look of uncertainty to complete acceptance as a woman.

My GRS is important to me, psychologically, but what people see is my new face and that face apparently achieves exactly what I wanted to achieve when I went to Dr. Cardenas.

Congratulations Liz, you are so looking good!

Quote from: Tessa James on June 15, 2015, 10:11:50 AM
Congratulations Liz, you are so looking good!

ditto