Not literally, but emotionally and spiritually perhaps. I see my life just passing by, and I am trap by my fault and the lack of finances to get ahead and be happy. I am doing a job I hate, expectations to be met but not feeling it (some dumb certificate my "unit" wants me to get), and force to pretend that I like my job. I would quit a year ago if I could (dishonarable discharge not my thing).... just doing it because I was reclass due to needs of army. Yadda, yadda false motivation. No one understands me, so I just bottled up.
I see my life decaying before my eyes, seeing less feminine women living my dream. I hate my body, my voice my feet and my career. I am waiting...
Forever 17.
Just waiting for a day to START my life.... my mother always need money from me.. emergencies .... im tired.... im tired of waiting.... i want to start my life.
I feel your situation. I was drafted into the military during the Viet Nam war. You can survive, it sucks, but 99% of your life is still there to live.. Your alternative is a bad discharge , but people do survive that too. Stick it out and freedom is yours.
You need to stop fixating on how other people live their lives (and certainly stop judging people by their looks) and get on with living your life. You're seeing obstacles and chores, placing blame all over the place... so it's no surprise you feel like you're ageing backwards. I understand depression and dysphoriancan be smothering and all encompassing but you're talking about wanting your life to move forward. If you want to be an adult and live your life the way you want to it's time to plan for that, do your job and what it requires or change it, find a way to make the money you need. You also need to sort out the issue with your mother and her need for money from you - I have no idea about the circumstances behind that, whether it's due to illness, poverty, poor financial management, debt, or drugs/alcohol/gambling but you need to look at a solution that makes her less dependant on you otherwise it will never go away.