Since I came out to myself a year ago, I felt like I was about 70% female as if I had a male side and a dominant female side. As I started to accept myself, I felt like my two sides were working together peacefully. I'm not nearly as isolated as I once was.
I haven't felt like that in a couple of days though. I feel like I'm getting a taste of who I was prior to coming out. I was afraid to leave my house for anything. I feel like my male half is trying to take over again. Its scary. I don't know how I lived like this for 32 years.
As strange as this sounds, right now I wish I could dig inside and pull him out and discard him. I love being Ashley. I feel like if I could fully become Ashley and eliminate Allen, that it would make it easier for me to come out of isolation. I may not be as isolated, but I'm still isolated.
I can see a lot of myself in your post, so I can understand some of what you are feeling. I feel like part of our journey is the struggle of finding just exactly where we can balance. I have trouble balancing this too. I am no expert but it always seems like our subconscious does this, as if it is trying to align with ones biological gender. I only think it subconscious because I have no desire to have my male side either but it keeps popping up. I wish I could offer more help but I just wanted you to know you weren't alone! Hugs girl!!
Well at least I know I'm not alone.
I'm kind of having the same problem right now. Its not to the point where the male side wants to really come out. But a couple of days ago I got really mad which I haven't been in a month. And felt so horrible after it happened since that's a part of me I'm ashamed of. After that happened then my mind started racing you don't really want to do this, its no fun, stay a guy etc. Pretty much ruined my night where I was ready to say forget Raven and go back to being a male. Next morning it was all better. Figure that in time it will go away and just need to ride it out till then.
My male side is dead and buried. I mean I still have a lot of the same interests but I don't identify as a male *at all*. It's kind of abhorrent to me now.
Its not that I'm ashamed of him. I hate how scared and helpless he makes me feel in public. He felt the need to isolate himself. Now I'm trying to learn how to create a social life where none previously existed.
I think its pride that's triggering this. Pride is Sunday. I want to go, but its scary at the same time. Its been on my mind for weeks and its getting close now.
I've never understood this male/female side thing, I've only ever been me, regardless of the mask I may have worn. Oh the perils of having a properly integrated personality.
I think its because I don't fully identify as female. I think it would be easier if I did.
Quote from: awilliams1701 on June 19, 2015, 09:07:20 PM
As strange as this sounds, right now I wish I could dig inside and pull him out and discard him. I love being Ashley. I feel like if I could fully become Ashley and eliminate Allen, that it would make it easier for me to come out of isolation. I may not be as isolated, but I'm still isolated.
Doesn't sound strange to me. This is EXACTLY the way I feel about my male side. I've made peace with this, and there are even moments when I'm proud of being a "special kind of woman", but I value femininity, and the fact that there's a male aftertaste in the way I view the world really bugs me.
I started a poll a few weeks ago in the Non-Binary area, asking whether people minded being non-binary. Most people didn't mind but there were a sizable number (around 30%) who found it kind of annoying:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,189689.0.html
You are certainly not alone. For myself, I find that it is not easy or perhaps even wise to try to suddenly and completely abandon a male persona that was a mask and defense in an unfriendly world. I sometimes also find that persona asserting itself, particularly in situations where being male seemed particularly necessary in the past. I believe there is a process of letting go of old behavior and thought patterns and defense mechanisms. As I understand and feel my real nature coming through with more and more confidence, I find some good in reflecting on why the maleness kicks up from time to time. It helps me understand myself better, and particularly find some perspective on things I did to myself over the years. I wish you the best; please don't feel alone.
Full time for me is my transition tipping point. Now I view life with a different lens. I've also had to deal with male harassment and such, not from colleagues (they are excellent) but other people. Socially I'm now fully immersed in what it is to be female, and it is hitting home now. And you know what? It feels just "normal" to me now.
I try not to pigeon hole aspects of my life as "Male" or "Female". The reality is, it is often difficult. I conflate male and female with the old me and new me. One sad, depressed, hating herself, her life, and especially living in her skin. The other, happy, filled with joy and wonderment of the world around her, finally loving being in her own skin and able to look into mirrors in any state of dress.
For the first four years of this journey I started some six years ago, I was working out of state, away from my wife. I had the luxury of exploring. I had the ability to learn what it is to really be Me. I hated my job, the first time ever in my life I did! But I also had no distractions or diversions. Only too much time alone with my thoughts, my dreams, my prayers. Just over two years ago one prayer was answered when an old boss called asking if I wanted to have fun again.
But, moving back also meant being back in that same world and situations which allowed me to "Get By" as a guy. I totally feared "Reverting". I didn't want to be old me again. It would be so easy to slip back into it.
Lately I feel that I have. I lost the war, not just the battle. Over these past two years there have been many battles, many of which I won. Apparently key ones I lost. My job is challenging and exciting most days. My wife, in poor health physically and emotionally. Dealing with me, a possible transition, perhaps even the ultimate betrayal of me dumping her, all on top of a body that has betrayed her gives her little hope for a future. At home, you see, I have another great diversion. Plus very little time for me. The life of a working woman and mom? Or, the life of a dedicated and caring husband? The transition back home started as the former, and now.... :'( Even my wife is once again pointing out my "anger"... the old me rearing it's ugly head
Another battle to fight and hopefully a key one to win
Both side coexist in me. My strength, logic and courage are from my male side. My femininity, caring and emotions come from the female side of me. To discard a part of me would be like an amputation because both sides of me have always been there as far back as I can remember. The difference is before coming to terms with myself, the female part of me was suppressed. Now both sides take turns as needed. Of the two, I think I spend more time with the feminine side of me because thats where I enjoy life but it's like a marriage between a man and a woman where combined they are greater than the parts.
An interesting though crossed my mind. In my post, my caring, emotions and logic combine as a team to produce my post.
In the early days I felt lie two people were living inside of me. The old person wanted to stay and the new person wanted to see the light of day. It was quite a battle for a long time until Gennee won out. I know the feeling, Ashley. I am happily transgender and female now.
:)
Quote from: kelly_aus on June 19, 2015, 11:10:37 PM
I've never understood this male/female side thing, I've only ever been me, regardless of the mask I may have worn. Oh the perils of having a properly integrated personality.
This!
In early childhood James & Jenny were a bit like twins. Because my parents allowed me to explore myself they both had their days in the sun and grew up fighting as siblings do, but eventually they learned to become one, and I am the sum of both of them. I have no conflict about that. I get my courage and drive from James and my emotional maturity and nurturing instinct from Jenny. From both of them I take resilience. I am neither of them, but they are both became vital componets of the unified person that is me. I am not a two spirit or anything like that, I am just one unified inseparable me, and I take pride in all of that both male and female.
I recently watched a video about what the transgender brain looks like. One of the hosts made a comment that really speaks to me: I'm not completely male and completely female. It's very true because I enjoy male activites as well as female activities.
:)
I've been fulltime since August and in that time Allen was more than happy to fade into the background. He's terrified of experiencing life and that's what I can't stand about him. He generally hasn't been a problem until now.
Things have been better today but that fear of experiencing life is a lot stronger than it has been for most of my fulltime experiences. I used to be super excited to try new things.