Susan's Place Transgender Resources

sorry, curiosity is my Achilles Heel. I feel myself in far more acceptance of the concept of being transgender the more I progress on estrogen. I mean estrogen has bought a new level of understanding for me of myself and all the others who deal with this situation. I was riding home on the train from my doctors appt. today where they said I needed to have my gall bladder taken out and when I got up to get off the train there were two girls sitting behind me and the eye contact even though brief was filled with, wow , were the same. Many moons ago I would of looked at them with a different perspective as some what alien creatures.

Well, I've undergone a process of acceptance, but I don't think HRT was a factor. It's changed my emotions so that they're closer to a female's, but in terms of my view of myself, I don't think hormones have changed that. I had accepted that I am transgender (but not that I'm a woman - I still can't bring myself to believe that) long before my first estradiol.

I went into transition with some expectations, but no idea of what would really happen.

I perhaps had a stricter idea of my goals before. That is, being as close to 100% female as possible.
---

Being inbetween has been too much fun to ignore though. So I ended up embracing it.

My views on gender are much more fluid now, along with my views on relationship dynamics. I do not even identify strictly as female anymore.
---

Has transition been worthwhile, to realise I am androgynous?

It certainly has. My world has a much broader scope now, and I can truly be myself. GD resolved, new attitude to life, a good outcome.

I am one happy transsexual. :~]

Suzi and I have talked about this previously on skype.


I was totally feminised on HRT. I have difficulty remembering him. It is odd how we have disparate experiences.

I think it underlies the complexity of what being trans* is. we just follow our own journeys.

Stephanie glad it was the GB!

My view of myself as transgender hasn't changed... but my view of what it means to be transgender certainly has. Although I would add that I never expected I would ever be this happy to have transitioned.

Well nearly 2 years on E and I am still just me.
Who else could I be?

Dysphonia has reduced significantly on E
I like the changes that have occurred. No love the changes.
I feel more comfortable as gender fluid but it does come at a cost.
Happier at home being her all the time.

I still hate being transgender, never felt accepting as it troubles me deeply
I am still a scared little girl in hiding absolutely terrified.

Would I stop hrt? no way.
There will be a time I will have to accept it and let her out but wont make me happy about it.

Early on in my discussions with my therapist I expressed a lot of concern over whether transition was the right thing for me. Was I transgender? Most definitely! That was very clear.  But would I be happier if I transitioned?  I really didn't know. 

I read a lot of people's stories here on Susan's, where many people say that if they had any real choice in the matter they would NOT have transitioned.  For them it was a choice between transitioning and death/depression/addiction/etc.  I felt that I was a reasonably happy person in my life.  No addictions, no depression, no suicidal thoughts.  But I thought about being female many times a day, everyday.

In my thoughts about transitioning though, I was very worried that I would spend the rest of my life ALWAYS being perceived as transgender.  Everywhere I went, everyone would know.  I'd be treated differently.  I'd never blend in. My therapist called me out and said I had internalized transphobia.  Initially I thought, no, not true.  Over time I came to think she was right. That was the concern that held me back - what will people think of me? 

Three months into low-dose HRT I stopped.  For five days.  After five days off HRT I realized I had to keep going.  I liked what was happening.  I felt better about myself.  I felt better about life. More relaxed. Happier in general. I liked the changes in my body. So...no way to go but forward.  And I've not looked back since.

More importantly, I've also met and interacted with a lot a trans* folks -- really nice people one and all.  And I've also come out to the world -- work, friends, family.  And I've been accepted.  Now I really don't care who knows I'm trans (as long as it is in a safe environment, as any woman would want).  People seem to run the range of supportive to just-don't-care. Not a single overtly negative response.  That has helped me to accept myself as trans, and be more open.  Whatever internalized transphobia I had is gone.

I'm sure that I will have times in the future where someone harasses me because I'm trans, but I have the confidence to handle that head on.  So, yeah, my views of myself as transgender have changed.  A lot!

Kim :)

I do see myself differently now. A major cause of dysphoria for me throughout life has always been that I did not feel female, and wanted to. I felt like my own person trapped inside a body that I knew was not right for me, but since I could not identify as purely female either, I was confused about what to do and wasted so many years, depressed in the closet. I actually felt more comfortable in male clothing. I was reluctant to get HRT, and it was not until all my hair was falling out that I was willing to accept myself as transgender rather than gender-queer, and even then mainly because I wanted to get T blockers to save my hair. After all, if I saw myself as only 'mostly female at heart,' would I really like the estrogen? HRT changed everything for me. I always felt a wide range of emotions, but it rarely showed. HRT strengthened my emotions to the point of feeling much freer to express myself. I came out ahead of schedule after my second HRT increase because I just felt so much more feminine and could not hide it anymore. Now with a much higher estradiol level, I fully identify as transgender female and cannot pretend to be a man, although I still hesitate to see myself as a woman, and still have an inferiority complex when comparing myself to cis females. It has really helped my self-acceptance and given me the confidence to go full-time, even though I often do not pass, but I will always be dysphoric for waiting too long to get a good result from the HRT. The physical feminization I have seen has been quite limited, but even just a small amount of development has gone a long way to make me feel female. I will also add that HRT has really helped in my 14-year struggle with depression. I feel so high when my estradiol level rises; it is the only drug I need.:)

To summarize, HRT makes me finally feel like a transgender female instead of a mostly female at heart, gender-queer human.

Stephanie glad it was the GB!


Me too

Quote from: KimSails on June 23, 2015, 11:09:26 AM
Early on in my discussions with my therapist I expressed a lot of concern over whether transition was the right thing for me. Was I transgender? Most definitely! That was very clear.  But would I be happier if I transitioned?  I really didn't know. 

I read a lot of people's stories here on Susan's, where many people say that if they had any real choice in the matter they would NOT have transitioned.  For them it was a choice between transitioning and death/depression/addiction/etc.  I felt that I was a reasonably happy person in my life.  No addictions, no depression, no suicidal thoughts.  But I thought about being female many times a day, everyday.

In my thoughts about transitioning though, I was very worried that I would spend the rest of my life ALWAYS being perceived as transgender.  Everywhere I went, everyone would know.  I'd be treated differently.  I'd never blend in. My therapist called me out and said I had internalized transphobia.  Initially I thought, no, not true.  Over time I came to think she was right. That was the concern that held me back - what will people think of me? 

Three months into low-dose HRT I stopped.  For five days.  After five days off HRT I realized I had to keep going.  I liked what was happening.  I felt better about myself.  I felt better about life. More relaxed. Happier in general. I liked the changes in my body. So...no way to go but forward.  And I've not looked back since.

More importantly, I've also met and interacted with a lot a trans* folks -- really nice people one and all.  And I've also come out to the world -- work, friends, family.  And I've been accepted.  Now I really don't care who knows I'm trans (as long as it is in a safe environment, as any woman would want).  People seem to run the range of supportive to just-don't-care. Not a single overtly negative response.  That has helped me to accept myself as trans, and be more open.  Whatever internalized transphobia I had is gone.

I'm sure that I will have times in the future where someone harasses me because I'm trans, but I have the confidence to handle that head on.  So, yeah, my views of myself as transgender have changed.  A lot!

Kim :)

If I may go off topic for a post here, I want to thank you Kim for writing what you did. I am,perhaps, at that point where I am internalizing some transphobia a bit myself. I am wondering if it it the right choice for me. what will people think of me? What about employment? Will I really be better off?  Yet, at the same time, I feel the feminine all the time and find such pulling me towards HRT regardless of my concerns. I will be bringing this up with my Therapist at the next appointment.

I am more sure I am on the right path.  Things are beginning to click for me.  I am less worried about looking good in a dress.  I also cry a lot more.

I didn't REALLY know what it meant to be transgender before HRT. Heck, I didn't even really know what it meant to be me!

I used to think I was introspective. I would walk through the wilds of my mind on well worn paths. After HRT, estrodiol and spironolactone grabbed my hands and dragged me bushwhacking off the paths following the sound of giggling. We found her there relaxed and comfortable in places I found dark and spooky. We walked together for a while then estrodiol, spironolactone and I left him deep in the jungle, tied to a tree. He's better off there. He wasn't really suited for society. Then we three walked off giggling to see what he had left behind.

Also, I seem to have become much more poetic. ;)

Quote from: Oliviah on June 23, 2015, 12:09:38 PM
I am more sure I am on the right path.  Things are beginning to click for me.  I am less worried about looking good in a dress.  I also cry a lot more.

April showers bring May flowers

Quote from: stephaniec on June 22, 2015, 10:13:34 PM
sorry, curiosity is my Achilles Heel.

Oh Stephanie I would hope that you see your curiosity as a positive trait and feel your questions are often great catalysts for deep thoughts and provocative responses.  Keep on as the queen of questions, please.  Hope they can use a little laparoscope for your GB outing.

Like others I really couldn't know what transition with HRT would feel like until I started.  My most significant personal breakthrough remains accepting myself as transgender.  HRT has been further validation and welcome growth, physically and psychologically.  This is a once feared nightmare turned into a daylight dream.  I simply love the feeling of being myself and realizing freedom for the feminine shadow that once haunted my life. A couple of my worst moments were when I forgot to pack my HRT while traveling.  Express shipment wasn't fast enough!

Even after accepting myself and coming out, though I felt worlds better, I was definitely still struggling with internalized transphobia. Once HRT got underway though that definitely melted away. At first I felt more feminine every day and when my dosage was upped for month two that turned to just feeling more like me. I too am finding myself here in the middle and quite happy. Though I would like to see my body get a bit more fem, if it doesn't that will be fine. I didn't know how I would handle things but I have had a couple chances to bring it up and just been open and that felt the best. I'm transitioning away from male to transexual, to a transwoman to be specific. With the help of estrogen I no longer wish to even be a part of the cis binary structure, I reject it entirely. I have swung from fear to pride. I even love the idea of being "across" gender. I feel like a superhero or an angel.

HRT didn't cause me to think differently about being transgender. But it was a huge step along the path towards embracing who I am and to stop running away from it. So yes, I do have a different perspective post-HRT.

Quote from: KimSails on June 23, 2015, 11:09:26 AM
I read a lot of people's stories here on Susan's, where many people say that if they had any real choice in the matter they would NOT have transitioned.  For them it was a choice between transitioning and death/depression/addiction/etc.  I felt that I was a reasonably happy person in my life.  No addictions, no depression, no suicidal thoughts.  But I thought about being female many times a day, everyday.

You and me both. And other than knowing at a young age I wanted to be a girl, I don't really fit the standard trans narrative either. I spent years thinking I couldn't possibly be authentically transgender because of it. But I realized one day that most people do not obsess about being the other gender. And that's when I realized I actually am trans.

Could I live the rest of my life as a guy? Probably. Do I want to? Not even a little bit.  And IMHO that's reason enough to transition. Forget about the transition or death nonsense.

Quote from: Tessa James on June 23, 2015, 12:35:49 PM
Oh Stephanie I would hope that you see your curiosity as a positive trait and feel your questions are often great catalysts for deep thoughts and provocative responses.  Keep on as the queen of questions, please.  Hope they can use a little laparoscope for your GB outing.

Like others I really couldn't know what transition with HRT would feel like until I started.  My most significant personal breakthrough remains accepting myself as transgender.  HRT has been further validation and welcome growth, physically and psychologically.  This is a once feared nightmare turned into a daylight dream.  I simply love the feeling of being myself and realizing freedom for the feminine shadow that once haunted my life. A couple of my worst moments were when I forgot to pack my HRT while traveling.  Express shipment wasn't fast enough!

thanks, they said that it just  pops out plus they're recording it with a mini cam , so maybe I'll be famous.

The fact I can't remember what it was like or relate to how I existed day to day before along with the fact that I'm comfortable in my own skin show how they have changed. It really is a night and day difference.
Mariah

I guess I've stopped focusing on it so much. And stopped focusing on trying to be female. I'm just me now, and in some ways I've learned to not shy away from my masculinity either. I can be a woman and still have masculine qualities, because it doesn't make me less passable or diminish my femininity. In terms of my appearance and 'gender presentation', I've gone from being totally femme to being somewhere between femme and butch.

Probably the biggest change I've noticed isn't how I see myself, but other people. I find it easier to see past people's differences than I ever have. I've been friends with people who were overweight, but found those relationships initially more difficult to form than with people who weren't. For whatever reason that isn't the obstacle it once was. In extreme cases maybe but even then to a much reduced degree.

One recent issue I've had though is I recently felt like my current self was at odds with who I once was. I wonder if its a non-binary thing. Its the first time the issue has come up, but it seems to be ok now.

Hmm. I haven't forgotten old me at all.

John was my starting point. Zoe is a much more highly developed John, in every way. But I am still the same person.

Is this something to do with my androgynous gender identify? Possibly.

For me I haven't really changed so much as personality . I'm still me, but that's because I've always considered myself non male. Estrogen has been the booster shot that I've needed all my life. My mind and body was running on a minimal percentage of the fuel it needed. I finally ran into trouble because my cells were starving as in trying to walk through the Sahara desert with a small canteen of water but my views of other trans seems to have radically moved forward and also more acceptance of myself belonging in the trans community.

Quote from: Zoetrope on June 23, 2015, 05:16:00 PM
Hmm. I haven't forgotten old me at all.

John was my starting point. Zoe is a much more highly developed John, in every way. But I am still the same person.

Is this something to do with my androgynous gender identify? Possibly.

Quote from: stephaniec on June 23, 2015, 05:37:46 PM
For me I haven't really changed so much as personality . I'm still me, but that's because I've always considered myself non male. Estrogen has been the booster shot that I've needed all my life. My mind and body was running on a minimal percentage of the fuel it needed. I finally ran into trouble because my cells were starving as in trying to walk through the Sahara desert with a small canteen of water but my views of other trans seems to have radically moved forward and also more acceptance of myself belonging in the trans community.

Yes to both of these. That is that whole becoming more myself feeling. The t flushed out with the fear and e slipped in in their place I am starting to know what it is to run on full power.

Absolutely.

Pre-hormones and pre-transition, I somehow had this view that I was going to "become" a woman. Like it was something that I had to earn, some magical transformation that would happen. And as a result I spent a lot of transition worrying that I somehow wasn't "female enough," that I somehow didn't deserve to be gendered female or treated like a woman or any of those things, because it was this thing that I felt like I hadn't earned yet.

2.5 years of hormones and 14 months of full-time later, and I've realized that being female wasn't something that I had to become, or had to earn, I already was one. What I used to interpret as my brain telling me that I wanted to be female, or wished I was female, that was really my brain telling me that I was female already, and I needed my body and social role to match that identity. I just lacked the self-actualization to say that I was a girl, because of society's views on oppositional sexism where male and female are complete opposites, and you can't be one unless this and this and this, and therefore that transition actually is a transition where you switch from being male to being female, where you earned your femininity because of this and this and this. I shed this view and realized that I never was male in the first place, "male" was just a label that was slapped on me by other people.

Basically, I went into transition believing everything that society says about what it means to "transition" from male to female. Now I'm realizing that the entire concept of gender as society knows it, as a binary of opposites, as one side over here and another side over here and never the twain shall meet, if you want to be male or female you have to act this way, and have these interests, and have these childhood experiences, and these life aspirations, is complete bull. Those that I deemed as ideally feminine, who I felt like had "earned" their femininity in my eyes, had done NOTHING different than me, it's just that they were lucky genetically. When you really get into it, gender is just an arbitrary set of societal expectations based on one's appearance, taking a few minute perceived differences and making overblown assumptions about your personality, interests, life goals, everything, just based on that appearance. ANYONE can be either completely male or female by society's definition simply by existing in a certain body, regardless of their actual personality or interests or identity or history. That was when I realized that there was nothing to earn. I simply was.

My life experience confirms this. Pre-transition, I had NO support from anyone. Even my own mother, who wanted desperately to at least give me lip service in support, says that she had trouble seeing me as a woman, and wasn't sure that I knew what I was doing. Magically, when my body finally started matching, and I started being gendered female by strangers a majority of the time, despite me still being the exact same person inside and doing the exact same things, all of a sudden people magically switched their perspective from "you'll never be a woman" to "what? How can you possibly think you're not a woman?"

Like I said, gender is freaking arbitrary.

Quote from: KimSails on Today at 12:09:26 pm
I read a lot of people's stories here on Susan's, where many people say that if they had any real choice in the matter they would NOT have transitioned.  For them it was a choice between transitioning and death/depression/addiction/etc.  I felt that I was a reasonably happy person in my life.  No addictions, no depression, no suicidal thoughts.  But I thought about being female many times a day, everyday.

Quote from KatieJ
And other than knowing at a young age I wanted to be a girl, I don't really fit the standard trans narrative either. I spent years thinking I couldn't possibly be authentically transgender because of it.

Could I live the rest of my life as a guy? Probably. Do I want to? Not even a little bit.  And IMHO that's reason enough to transition. Forget about the transition or death nonsense. And other than knowing at a young age I wanted to be a girl, I don't really fit the standard trans narrative either. I spent years thinking I couldn't possibly be authentically transgender because of it.
[/quote]

These two posts sum things up for me perfectly.  I have thought about being a girl, wanting to be a girl, every single day of my life since I was a child.  Do I hate being a guy?  No, but I have no desire to be one.

I start HRT next week.  How that works out will decide if I fully transition fully or  not.  If it doesn't, I will be heartbroken, but I will know it is simply not a path available to me. My life will go on.

Quote from: stephaniec on June 23, 2015, 04:16:00 PM
thanks, they said that it just  pops out plus they're recording it with a mini cam , so maybe I'll be famous.

And Now In Prime Time;  "Stephanie's Laparoscopic Cholecystectomy" Starring in alphabetical order: Her Gallbladder and Stephanie!  The crowds are going to love it, especially the 3-D version. ;D ;D ;D

Quote from: Carrie Liz on June 23, 2015, 06:04:37 PM
Absolutely.

Pre-hormones and pre-transition, I somehow had this view that I was going to "become" a woman. Like it was something that I had to earn, some magical transformation that would happen. And as a result I spent a lot of transition worrying that I somehow wasn't "female enough," that I somehow didn't deserve to be gendered female or treated like a woman or any of those things, because it was this thing that I felt like I hadn't earned yet.

2.5 years of hormones and 14 months of full-time later, and I've realized that being female wasn't something that I had to become, or had to earn, I already was one. What I used to interpret as my brain telling me that I wanted to be female, or wished I was female, that was really my brain telling me that I was female already, and I needed my body and social role to match that identity. I just lacked the self-actualization to say that I was a girl, because of society's views on oppositional sexism where male and female are complete opposites, and you can't be one unless this and this and this, and therefore that transition actually is a transition where you switch from being male to being female, where you earned your femininity because of this and this and this. I shed this view and realized that I never was male in the first place, "male" was just a label that was slapped on me by other people.

Basically, I went into transition believing everything that society says about what it means to "transition" from male to female. Now I'm realizing that the entire concept of gender as society knows it, as a binary of opposites, as one side over here and another side over here and never the twain shall meet, if you want to be male or female you have to act this way, and have these interests, and have these childhood experiences, and these life aspirations, is complete bull. Those that I deemed as ideally feminine, who I felt like had "earned" their femininity in my eyes, had done NOTHING different than me, it's just that they were lucky genetically. When you really get into it, gender is just an arbitrary set of societal expectations based on one's appearance, taking a few minute perceived differences and making overblown assumptions about your personality, interests, life goals, everything, just based on that appearance. ANYONE can be either completely male or female by society's definition simply by existing in a certain body, regardless of their actual personality or interests or identity or history. That was when I realized that there was nothing to earn. I simply was.

What wonderful wisdom.  I love this post.  I can only hope to experience your perception of life. It's very inspiring.

Quote from: Maybebaby56 on June 23, 2015, 06:15:48 PM
What wonderful wisdom.  I love this post.  I can only hope to experience your perception of life. It's very inspiring.

I agree +1.  Carrie Liz has been a wonderful part of this Place since I arrived 2 years ago.  It has been fascinating to vicariously share her evolution and personal growth.

No in my case.

I was aware of the fact that I was gender dysphoric from a young age.  It just wasn't bad enough to push me to transition.  I made my peace with myself in my 20s, went through therapy, did all the leg work as far as knowing the logistics for transition were concerned - even got the HRT letter.

Then I chose not to go ahead, for a large number of reasons, but did a few things to keep myself slightly on the androgenous side (electrolysis, removing body hair etc).

I started HRT 3 years ago to prevent T related age changes.  Hormonally I'm female, emotionally female as well, but present androgynous male (even though my body has feminised somewhat).  The only thing HRT has done is make me more aware how much I've always leant towards female.

Roles in society are more fluid and less rigid than we think.  Often it's our own perceptions that restrict ourselves.

At the end I am who I am, and accept myself, flaws and all.