Just let me know what you guys think. My parents are not LGBT friendly people. Im 28 now and I dont live at home anymore. To give you some perspective, they voted for Bush... lol. Anyways here it is.
"To my family, Mom, Dad, and my brothers Matt and Dave, and to all my mutual friends I have had in the past, if you are reading this, this letter is for you. I want to let you all know that I love you all more than anything in the world. No matter what you decide on how to react to this news, you will always have a place in my heart.
I want to begin by saying that my life may have seemed good on the outside. I put up a good show for many years. But the truth is for over 23 years I had an issue I was dealing with. Something that would be considered shameful and perhaps even perverted to most religious conservative people.
Growing up our family was never the talking type. We never talked about our feelings; we just went along and made it every day. As time went on I denied my issue and tried to cure it myself. I often fought my own feelings and was driven to do things that no one really knows about but my close friends. From an early age I began using the computer to escape reality. I had these feelings of awkwardness constantly. And up until about a year ago I never had the courage to face my issue head on and accept my reality. Its real and most people like me wish it didn't have to be like this. The world is a terrible place filled with hate, anger, and ignorance.
So with that being said let me start from the beginning and help you understand what really is going on.
At an early age around 4 or 5 (yes I remember these years). I had an itch of curiosity. I wanted to know what it was like to play with girl toys and wear girl clothing and maybe to some point wear makeup (I remember getting into that at some point when I was little). Sure it may seem normal for a little boy to want to play with all toys, especially one like myself who enjoyed play time and pretend time. However looking back I can say that it was a sign that pointed in the direction I have found myself today.
I have memories of starting private school and having an issue with my identity. And this happened plenty of times. A teacher would call my name and I would not respond, I would rather not be noticed and simply be left alone. During my time at Guardian Angels (1-3rd grade) I had a lot of issues with being over sensitive and being angry. Now that time has passed and I look back, it all makes more sense. Inside I was feeling broken; however those feelings did not translate into my desire to be different. At times I was completely fine, and then I would see a girls outfit, or a toy and I would get angry. These 3 years in school only the beginning for me, even though they were hard, and day by day I felt more disconnected. I also felt like the whole world was against me constantly, even though now I know better. I was simply trapped in my own shell, a shell which would grow in size and strength at the years passed.
The next set of years for me was 4th-8th grade (At St Mary Magdelens) would be really hard for me. This was a huge dip for me in my confidence and self-esteem. I remember being in class every day and getting "picked" on by the teachers and students for everything. There was hardly a day I could come home and be happy. I felt like I was constantly wearing a target over my head. I constantly wanted to make new friends but never had the skills needed. Around 5th or 6th grade I began making a few new friends. I had a couple, one was James Rowley (Mom let me go hang out at his house sometimes) and he only did that because he felt bad for me. Throughout these years I was extremely emotional. Often times I would come home crying or hide it and go to my room and cry in my pillow. Their where plenty of times I would just suck it up and put myself in front of the TV and play video games. This seemed to work for a long time. I even left school one day because I had extreme pain in my lower abdominal area, now that I look back it was more of an anxiety attack. I know Mom and Dad tried to help me outlet my issues through playing sports, and I did try most sports throughout my childhood and teen years. What they didn't know was how emotional and uncomfortable I was in the boys locker-room. Any time I had to go in there I would almost start to cry or be very nervous, most of the time not knowing why at all. I would be made fun of constantly because I didn't want to get dressed or be seen in the showers. I was an easy target. In fact I remember 2 or 3 fights because I would explode with anger. The kids' parents came over and made their kid apologize because EVERYONE felt sorry for the boy with anger and emotional issues. I even remember being suspended for hip tossing a kid who pushed me.
Even though I played sports I always ended up quitting because I was made fun of or simply didn't feel comfortable at all. I did start making friends around 7th grade. I had our neighbors (The Krolls and the Pratts) and my friend Mike Briones. Do you remember my little Mexican friend? I would go to his house for sleep overs. Mike and I played chess every day at lunch, we sat at the end of the table and no one sat near us. A true friend Mike was. He was the first one to introduce me to pot.
Now let's talk about Pot. Mike and I stole some of his parents half smoked joints (Roaches) and got high for the first time in 8th grade. When I smoked it, the anger and emotions evaporated. I no longer reacted the way I did to things when I was high. It was a good feeling. Soon after I graduated I went on to high school. I finally felt like I could re-invent myself, so I did and I tried very hard. I made friends with everyone. However I started to have more and more issues as time went on. Smoking pot helped me mask these issued and blend in with new friends.
During school I would often have a desire to be a girl, or get envious because I wanted to look like a certain girl who looked good that day. I had day dreams of changing my gender and coming back to school as a female. Eventually this lead to activities I would deem shameful by my family and religious peers (after being in catholic school for 8 years).
So aside from smoking pot, I had done a lot of things in private during my early years and into school. I am coming clean on this now. I had been cross dressing in private from a young age. The earliest I can remember cross dressing was when I was 8 or 9. I don't know the specifics but I can tell you this... I had a secret stash of girls' clothing I had saved over the years. It was in a bag in the attic of the Hazel Park house. Even during high school I had ordered girls' clothing from the internet and had been wearing them to bed for months. Every so often I would try and "cure" myself by burning the cloths and promising myself to never do it again, that it's un-natural and shameful. And for a while I stopped, for almost 5 years, I hid in the basement of the Hazel Park house and played World of Warcraft nonstop. I only left to go out and smoke pot with my friends or go to lan parties.
So that being said and I am summing this up. It was literally a day to say struggle with what you would call "temptation" and at the time I believed it. Maybe I was possessed by evil or I was gay or something like that. It turns out I like women very much, and I am not a homosexual in the sense of Man and Man. So throughout the years I was extremely confused with my sexuality. I only had girlfriends because I was pressured to go out with girls and have sex. To me it was a chore to be handled and then used to boast my masculinity. Doing this granted me less awkwardness hanging out with friends. But the awkward feeling when I was around people never faded. Even with smoking pot and being high all the time, it was always there, making me uncomfortable and luckily I never went further than pot, because I was a very passive self-destructive person.
As time went on I was becoming more disconnected from friends and family. I skipped lot of family outings, and blew off friends to stay online in my virtual world. For years I did this to be "safe" in my thick shell, the shell that was now as thick as concrete. Nobody ever knew a thing about my secret obsession with being a girl. And as time went on the obsession got worse, and more and more friends where driven away by my sensitive and needy personality. It got to the point where I couldn't hang with the guys anymore, everything they said to me was an insult, and I couldn't stand being in stupid arguments over someone's personal ego. Eventually I cut them all out and began to hide permanently online. Only coming out to work and buy pot. I would then go home and smoke weed in the garage, then go inside and enjoy what little time I had of serenity that is of course until the high ran out. Then I would get angry.
So now im in my early 20's and Im dating a girl who made me feel good. But only in a way that helped me escape reality like my video games did. Eventually she couldn't handle my obsession with computer games (and I couldn't lie to her anymore about my obvious secret) so she left me in a bad way. So when we broke up I got hit hard, I actually did love her, but only love her. I wasn't in love, simply loved her company as a friend and equal.
So the years went by and I slowly got worse and worse. Pot wasn't working as much as it used too. I started getting more and more thoughts about changing. I often looked at my online character and fantasized what it would be like to be that little female elf. Any time I looked at a girl in a swimsuit I would get pissed. So I was on a self-destructive path. I began eating more and more and drinking full 2 liters of pop a day.
So after moving back with the parents and then moving to Madison Heights with them, I got worse. I had been cross-dressing a lot, really the only time I had quit was right after I graduated high school. No one knew a thing. This is the time I began to really want to hurt myself. The pain of not being something that your brain is telling you are is far too hard to comprehend in simple words. The only way to get rid of the pain was to supplement it with pot and food. I would eat 2 pizzas sometimes 3 in a day. Some days I would eat burger king, and then ask my mom for dinner money even though I ate, and then go eat more. I would tell myself "I want to die, I won't wake up one day and everything will be ok". And for a while this worked. It wasn't until 2012 I learned what transgender was. I Googled everything I could on the subject. Spent countless hours reading and watching videos made by people like me. Everyone had almost the same issues I did; everyone seemed to want the same thing I did. 2013 was the hardest year for me. I spent a lot of time in the basement by myself. I had days where I didn't even get out of bed. I wanted it to all end so badly. I was suicidal. And I'm not blaming my mom and dad, but I always thought they would never understand my situation, and they would cast me out. I also could never find a way to explain it to them. Most normal people can't understand it. It's not a choice, I tried to choose and it backfired. I would often find myself crying in bed again like when I was a little kid saying things like "why me... Can't I just be normal" and often "you can't do it because it's not possible". I went weeks without taking a shower. And sometimes went a month or so without looking the in the mirror. Mirrors have always made me uncomfortable. I never liked looking into them because it's not the person I feel I am on the inside looking back. Imagine that, you look into a mirror and its someone else looking back. Scary, yes this was my reality.
2014 came and I was still in the same position, hiding out and being depressed. I gained almost 100 pounds in a 5 year span from eating so much. One day I was going to go to a friend's house to hang out and smoke some pot. This was the first time in a long time anyone ever hit me up to hang out. So I am heading there and I am nervous because lately I have felt the most awkward when around people it was a very nerve-wracking experience. Well I ended up going to his house and knocking on the door for about 20 minutes. I texted my friend and there no answer, I was then overly upset. I started to drive home and I turned into a side street. Something clicked in my brain "just end the pain now, it will be fast". I pressed the gas, my eyes full of tears I kept thinking "there's no place for me, I don't need this life". I imagined myself hitting a tree at 100 miles per hour without a seatbelt on. I felt like this would be the end and I would suffer no more with lies and wouldn't have to face the truth. I got up to 80 miles per hour and got a text from my friend "Sorry man I was across the street at the store, forgot you were coming by, come back if you want". At this time something else clicked in my head. "I have to live on, for my loved ones. And if they see me give up, what will they think". I slowed down and stopped turning towards the tree. I stopped at the corner and parked for a minute to wipe my tears. "This is all in my head, which cares if I am transgender; there are 7 billion people on this earth. Why should I deny my loved ones my company as a person"? I know I'm fun to be around, and I know I am a good person. I learned this from going to college and making friends there. People looked up to me and my skills as a leader and a team player. The next day I googled a psychologist, Rosemary Jazowiak, she had been working with transgender people for over 20 years. That same day I made a new Facebook for my transgender self and joined some groups for support. I also began working out and working out my anger with these workouts.
A week or so went by and I felt a lot better. I had self-accepted myself as Transgender and decided to transition. While exercising outdoors at a track I got a call from Rosemary. She told me I had courage for reaching out to her and then asked me what I wanted. I said "I want help becoming female so I can move on with my life". Three weeks later I began sessions. I went every 2 weeks for about 3 or 4 months, then once a month for a while. After this things got better and better for me. I fell in love with my fiancée Jodi, and we became best friends. I told her everything from the beginning and she supports me 150%. She was my sole support for a long time. The only person I talked to about my issues other than the psychologist. In December Rosemary gave the go ahead to a doctor to see me for prescribing female hormones. January 31st I went to see the doctor and began taking hormones the next day. Every day since then has been better and better. I feel great; my anger issues are almost all gone. I am finding myself not wanting to smoke pot and being super healthy. Every new day is a blessing because I could be dead right now.
So I'm telling you, my family, and my friends now, I am transgender. I am going to be going by Nikki and I would like to be regarded as her or she. I have lived a lie long enough and truthfully I am willing to sacrifice everything but my life to be happy. Whether or not you choose to accept me for who I am is up to you. Just know this, we are people too. And it doesn't matter what society thinks, being happy is all that matters in life. Some people are happy being themselves, and a lot of people never get to be happy because of FEAR. I choose not to be controlled by fear, even though I am afraid.
"
Hi Nikki, I think it is a well written heartfelt letter. I wish you all the best on your journey, and I hope that you will have the support of your family and friends; some may support you unconditionally right away, while others who continue to love you may need time to understand.
Lovely letter Nikki.
I hope you have a wonderful life as the woman you are and that your family and friends love you with all of their hearts.
Love
Cindy
What a beautiful letter Nikki. I hope and pray that they are understanding and supportive of the wonderful daughter. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah