Hi everyone,
this is really long, but please read it, I need some advice on how to support and encourage my girlfriend :)
I've been reading this website for a while and now finally seems like the right time to finally post, so hi, nice to meet everyone. I am 23 and a cisgender female and my girlfriend is a 23 year old transgender female. We have been together 2 years and when we started dating she was seeming to identify as male and was my boyfriend. About a year into our relationship, she told me that she was transgender. She told me that she hasn't necessarily always felt this way, but has always felt like something was off and she wasn't quite sure what. Since she has realized that she is transgender her dysphoria has only grown. She is not out to anyone but me, for the moment, but has a therapy appointment in a week and would like to prepare to tell her parents.
I love her unconditionally and I am here to support her no matter what, but I am worried about many things in many different aspects of her transition. Her family is important to her and I am worried not that they won't eventually accept her, because I am pretty sure that they will, but that they will not know how to react and will not understand at first. I don't think they are bad people, maybe just not educated on what it means to be transgender. I know that if they don't respond the way she hopes they will, it will crush her and it worries me, I am not sure how to help her through this part should the worst happen.
Another thing that worries me is her ability to pass and the way it affects her. She is terribly dysphoric surrounding her ability to pass. She is very tall, about 6'3, about average male build, not too stocky but she does have broad shoulders. I've always thought she has had fairly feminine features, which is part of what originally attracted me to her, as I've always found femininity attractive, though she does not pass without makeup, and even then I'm not sure if she quite passes. However, we've been playing with make-up and hair styles (she already has long hair) It's hard for me to put my finger on what about her doesn't pass, but she just doesn't quite pass yet, and this is devastating to her. I say YET and I mean it very strongly, because I think that she is in a position where she absolutely can one day pass. The thing is, that this is all very new to her and she is severely lacking in confidence and patience. And of course I realize why she would be, I just truly think that she is so beautiful and I know that she will pass as she continues to transition. I worry though that some things may keep her from transitioning.
**She really wants to start HRT, but is holding back because of a few things, and I guess that this is where my real question comes in. She really wants a family some day, and know that she will make a great mom, but although she has told me she would love an adopted child and is very open to adoption, she really wants at least one child of her own. I think that this is the major thing keeping her from starting HRT. She really would want to freeze her sperm before beginning the hormones, but we cannot afford to do so as we are both still undergrad students supporting ourselves independent of our parents and don't have a lot of extra income to save for this. I am not sure how i feel about this, because I also really want children and when I look into my future I see her in it. I want us to some day be able to have our own child, as becoming pregnant at least once, at the right time, is always something that I have wanted for myself, and I know that using a diner later would likely upset her, that the child would be biologically mine but not biologically hers. However I want her to transition ASAP as she is already 23 and I know that the longer she waits the harder it is to transition. I want her to be able to pass as much as possible, for her own happiness. If anyone has any advice here It would be so greatly appreciated.
THE REAL QUESTIONS - I know that this is getting so long and rambling, but I just have so many questions. Will she transition in time for her to have the results she wants? Is it already too late, at 23, for very noticeable changes? What about kids? What about sex? Will she still want to have sex? Be able to have an erection (she doesn't want SRS at this time)? What about money? How do we pay for the things like electrolysis, FFS of SRS if she wants it? How do I help her to feel happy? What do I say to her and others when people misgender her? and how do I reassure her that things will be okay and she is beautiful? Will she ever pass? What if she doesn't? And another thing, she hasn't told anyone that she is a woman, but still expects them to know, even when she is not presenting feminine, and gets angry and sad when they don't. I just need some help, support and understanding, for myself and my girlfriend.
If anyone took the time to read this, I am very grateful. I know that things will be hard, but I know that above all I love her and I want to be with her no matter what, in fact, under the worry I am really excited, for her and for us, for her transition. How do I help keep her happy and optimistic?
also, I sincerely apologize if anything I said was incorrect or unfair of me to say in any way.
Thank you,
-S
I think that 23 is a great age to transition, and that since she already has some feminine features HRT will probably work very well for her. If she waits a few years to start HRT due to wanting to store her sperm or have a baby, she will probably receive the same amount of feminization then, so aside from the pain of having to wait, she will likely be fine. As far as financing her transition, there are surgeons who work with companies that will loan her the money. Another option is to work for a company that covers FFS, SRS, HRT, etc., through insurance. With the issue of passing, most trans women can pass in time with HRT, electrolysis, voice training, FFS, etc., however there is an awkward stage that most of us go through, and it's just part of the process. Best wishes :)
Hi Blue Velvet, welcome to Susan's. I would think at that age she will be really pleased with her results. I started HRT when I was 36 and I'm impressed with the changes so far. As far as kids she might want to sperm bank if she is going to because HRT will make that impossible otherwise. Secondly, the sex part is hard to say because is varies widely among us. The best thing to help her be happy is to be supportive, loving, understanding, and patient. Transition is a roller coaster and hormones can really send us for a ride sometimes. It's all I expect from my boyfriend and I'm sure that is all she is asking of her girlfriend. We just want to be loved and seen for the true authentic person we are no matter how we look at any given moment. It's normal for us to angry when that is the case. We want people to see us for who we are regardless of what we are wearing or look. I look forward to seeing you around the forums and thank you for coming on her to be supportive of your girlfriend. Good luck and hugs to both of you.
Mariah
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Welcome to Susan's Place. I am 6'2" currently at 185 pounds but working on dropping 10 more. I started hormones about age 27 and transition at 28 with surgery at 30. I to have broad shoulders but between hormones and hair style I can move in public without drawing attention. As I am located in the Phoenix area and spend a fair amount of time outside, makeup is reserved for special occasions. I even did the photo work for my sisters wedding among many strangers and didn't draw any attention. The answer to your question is yes, she should be able to pass. The biggest aid in passing is having that attitude that you belong here. The worst thing to have in public is nerves because people will spot you a mile off. Will she be spotted sometimes? Yes, its part of the process. After almost 25 years of passing without problems, an airport security guard pick me out and demanded my ID.
You are going above and beyond the call of duty helping her but there are some things she needs to do herself. She will not always have you by her side when she fails to pass. She will have to develop the inter strength to handle these problems by her self and some of that comes from therapy.
We were all there once and we survived I am sure your friend can do it with your help. Just deal with one problem at a time and don't attempt to fix everything at once. If I can help you, let me know.