My cousin is coming over for the weekend, which means I'm spending my evening hiding everything in the back of my closet. All of my pretty, soft and lacy things moved from their spot in the compartment under my couch to the back of the closet. I didn't realize I had so many things.. Then I had to pick which of my jeans are actually female or which are male ones I purchased because they seemed similar (spandex, softer, tighter, etc..) then I had to hide panties in a different spot because maybe I'll want to wear some tomorrow and Sunday.. Ugh. I really don't know what I'm doing.
My best friend spent the night a couple times over the last few weeks (she was drunk and I didn't feel safe with her driving so I picked her up and let her stay at my house) and I didn't do any kind of moving or hiding of stuff (kinda) and I was a little nervous she'd discover me and terrified she'd think it was weird we had similar taste in clothes (she's my role model) or be creeped out that we have similar panties (seriously we went to VS and she bought a couple pairs that I already had, "are these cute? Why am I asking you, you're bored.." Me (thinking): "they're really soft, actually")
But at the same time, I kind of want her to know, because no one else would understand, and maybe that's why I didn't hide it.. Although.. She opened my car glove compartment, in which I had a VS order receipt.. And didn't say anything.
I tried to tell her. I told her that I bought girl Frozen socks at hot topic (they have glitter) and she said "that's cute" but I was scared to tell more. One day.
Wow, I'm all over the place here.
Sigh.
There will be a time when you do feel ready to tell people - no need to push yourself before then.
One of my most tiresome burdens before coming out, was having to put everything away anytime a friend came over, and then being constantly paranoid that they'd chance upon it somehow.
It got to the point that I wanted to curl up and cry whenever I had to "tidy up" my place, and I came out shortly thereafter.
Despite being scared senseless, I decided before coming out that anyone who would shun me for being transgender, was never really a friend.
While I haven't come out to everyone I know, the good news is I've lost no one so far.
I hope this helps..
Funny how coincidences happen.
I have just come home from a meet up event for trans*people in Adelaide.
One young woman, pre everything and still dressing as male, asked me what it was like to live 'as a woman'.
I told her after 50 years of depression from hiding myself it was like lifting a curtain off my life. I'm happy and free.
All my fears were for nothing.
When you are ready, let your fear go. The friends who care and love you will accept you. Those who don't, were never friends and never loved you.
I think Cindy said it best. It really is true that once your ready to tell them there response is secondary to your own needs. We transition for ourselves and no one else. Those friends who choose except and understand are real friends and the others clearly were not true friends. I'm not saying it's not hard when those you hope would be excepting are not, but true be told if they really cared they will be accepting. It's also worth noting that it takes them time to process this just like it takes us time to come to terms with it as well so a negative reaction at first doesn't mean it will stay negative forever. Time is something that is important here too. Good luck and Hugs. When your ready, you will know.
Mariah
I'm posting in your thread again to share a thought I had on friends, after reading Cindy's and Mariah's posts. (Hi Mariah!)
Before coming out, I was ashamed of who I was, and guilty for feeling the way I did. I was always a "nice guy", and kind of a door mat. Because of my low self-esteem, I was willing to overlook the nature of some friendships I had, that in retrospect were toxic.
Part of my transition, was putting all that guilt and shame behind me, and learning to stand up for myself and watch out for signs of toxic behaviour. I've moved on from some old friendships, and I'm more selective about new friends.
So while you may not be abandoned by friends who cannot accept you for who you are, you may have to do some walking away yourself.