How do I even begin?
I'm MTF trans. I'm 35 years old and I guess I've known since since I was about 11 or 12 that there was something "wrong" with me. I remember being wracked with jealousy at the time, about how the girls in my class had such fair and smooth skin. Meanwhile I was beginning to sprout the hideous face and body hair that would fill me with constant disgust and self loathing. Cue the suppression and denial for many years to come. I suppose this is a familiar story to many.
At one point, I thought I would just suppress this for the rest of my life. So what if I felt this way? I didn't have to say or do anything about it did I? The alternative just seemed so damn difficult. I'd read about gender dysphoria and all that it involves. When I found authentikate's blog in the early 2000s, I sat down and absolutely INHALED it as fast as I could. It inspired me a lot, and really made me feel for her the way she'd laid her heart and life bare. But it also frightened me. I didn't think I had or would ever have the strength or gumption to do what she did. I thought she was the bravest person I'd ever read about.
So, for many years I did nothing. I had a decent amount of social phobia and withdrawing from friendships and the wider family was the easy thing to do. I isolated myself as best as I could. I realized the effect that transitioning can have on a spouse and children, so I took the obvious path of never having a relationship or children. I was never the manliest of men, or had any luck with the ladies in any case. I didn't want to cause trouble. I didn't want to be a burden on close family. So I kept on suppressing and I kept on lying. Both to myself, and to the world.
I am NOT this false male persona I've constructed. False machismo so no one will ever suspect what goes through my head virtually every single moment of every single day. Tough outer shell. But I've never really given myself a chance to truly know *me*. Who am I? No really, who the hell am I? I have no clue.
So why am I here? I read a quote recently that really touched me. I want to share it here:
"Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn't want to be a burden. I didn't want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I'm tired of suffering, and I'm done shrinking. It's not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else's idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone's permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me." — Daniell Koepke
I suppose if I can poinpoint one specific thing that finally made me do something, it would be this quote. More likely, it's just me finally crumbling under the pressure of letting it build for so long. For my mental health, I finally feel like I need to do something about it. Whereas I once thought I could take this secret to my grave, I no longer feel that way. It gets lonely after a while.
What's really tickled me in recent months is how the most simplest of things will put a big smile on my face. A few months ago, I needed some new sleeping clothes, pajamas and sweatshirt type things. I convinced myself to get women's clothes. I was so nervous when I went to the store. Fearful of being caught, of the negative reactions I might get, of having to face the cashier. All morning, I practiced stories about why I was there buying women's clothes. I rehearsed answers and planned contingent answers. When I felt that I finally had my story straight, I went and did it. And not a single person had a thing to say. No one gave me a second look. Looking back, I feel kind of silly at how nervous and scared I was. But every time I catch a glimpse of myself in my baby pink hoodie .. it was so worth it.
I finally saw a psychiatrist a few weeks ago. I suppose that was the first time in my life I was ever truly open and honest with anyone. I found it easier than I thought I would. I mean yes I was a little jittery when I first got there, and I didn't really know how he would respond. Once I got started though, it just flowed out of me and the more I talked, the easier it became. After a couple of sessions with him, he told me he was convinced that I was undergoing gender dysphoria. He told me he would write a report, but I didn't really pay attention to what he said right there at the end, or realize what it meant at the time.
So it was surprising to me when I checked my mail this Friday that I had a letter from him. The letter was a copy of an endo referral. We had discussed the various aspects of transition, and I'm familiar with the process, it's just I had no idea it was going to happen this soon. I felt unprepared. I mean, most of what I've read is people complaining that their mental health professional isn't giving them an endo referral as quickly as they would hope or want! In my mind, I had thought I would have a chance to get my thoughts in order before I started any non-reversible steps, like HRT. In fact, I'm positive that I'm not going to follow up with the endo straight away. At least not until I've had some more time with my psychiatrist.
That brings me to today. I still haven't told anyone else about it, and I don't plan to come out any time soon. But at least now, I know that I must. And when I reach that point, I hope I have the courage to carry out my transition with a modicum of dignity.
So, per the subject of my post: hello friends :)
Hello hugs and welcome
Hi Amoeba
Welcome to Susan's
Just as a first off, a little light reading to help you about the forum's xx
Things that you should read
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I'll fully read your intro and get back to you
L Katy :-*
Hi Amoeba :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Thanks all. Katy, I'll check out those links.
Well first thing is Yay another Aussie... yes? 8)
I have read your intro, very powerful words quoted by "Daniell Koepke".
I recall back to my childhood, always knew I was different, how I really was, and, after a very rough childhood, managed to "manage" it, done that all my life too.
So to your point about opening up for the first time, in your case a psychiatrist (mine was a Doctor), I felt the same, in fact mine didn't flow, more like exploded out, like a whole life of repressed feelings. I am so glad that he has gotten back to you with a referral, great step forward
Quote
So it was surprising to me when I checked my mail this Friday that I had a letter from him. The letter was a copy of an endo referral. We had discussed the various aspects of transition, and I'm familiar with the process, it's just I had no idea it was going to happen this soon. I felt unprepared. I mean, most of what I've read is people complaining that their mental health professional isn't giving them an endo referral as quickly as they would hope or want! In my mind, I had thought I would have a chance to get my thoughts in order before I started any non-reversible steps, like HRT. In fact, I'm positive that I'm not going to follow up with the endo straight away. At least not until I've had some more time with my psychiatrist.
That brings me to today. I still haven't told anyone else about it, and I don't plan to come out any time soon. But at least now, I know that I must. And when I reach that point, I hope I have the courage to carry out my transition with a modicum of dignity.
I have been on HRT for over 12 years now, a lot older, but have kept it all under wraps so to speak, I am struggling now, so will have to come out to all very soon now. So, yes you can keep things hidden for a while, it does, however depend on how soon you want to start your HRT journey and how quickly the changes take effect, there are no set rules on that one. And, importantly yes, most of the changes are permanent, and move to that point within 3 or so months, although some can be reversed to some degree I have heard.
The best advice is always take it at your own pace... the journey is in your hands, so good luck on your journey.
Certainly look forward to seeing you about the forum's
Katy xx
Thanks Katy. Yes, another Aussie! How did you know? :)
That's good advice about taking it at my own pace. I'm going to make another appointment next week and work through my doubts. The biggest one in my mind is "what if I'm making a mistake?". I've read about the WPATH standards of care and the other documents I was given, and I know that I'm getting the best information and guidance that current medical science has to offer. But that niggling voice in my mind doesn't want to go away. What keeps me moving forward is reading about the positive outcomes of people who do transition. Looking at timeline photos and specifically at just how utterly happy people look like in their after pictures. Hopefully that can be me someday.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. I can't pretend to know you or your life, but I do sincerely hope your next steps don't prove too difficult. I've just signed up, and am pretty much just a transition newbie, but you've got a sympathetic ear here if you ever just want to talk or vent. Wishing you the best <3
Hi amoeba welcome to the family I'm a Gold Coast girl .
I'm 34 and have been on hrt 11 months your story is so similar to me.
Glad your been true to yourself and the weight that gets lifted after the first time you express who u really are to the therapist is well you know how it feels .
look forward to seeing you around feel free to message me any time xx
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Welcome to Susan't place. Take things at you own pace but something to consider that is new to me. Now they put you on T blockers for a while before they start hormones. You could have several months of freedom from T without any alteration of you body. Possibly when it's time to start the hormones, you will be ready for them. A call to the Endo would confirm this and the Endo should be willing to adjust treatment to match your desires.
Hi Amoeba and welcome to Susan's.
:)
Hi amoeba, welcome to Susan's. Wow. That is one you have been through a lot. Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to a lot of that including trying to sort things out myself, but as you found you can only go so far with that. Speed of which things move sometimes can really surprise you so don't feel bad if you reach a point where you choose to slow it down to catch your breath. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
Thanks for making me feel so welcome, you're all lovely :)