Hi all!
I posted my full story on the welcome board a few days ago, so full background is there for those interested. Tonight I wanted to reflect on one of the positives I've noticed since accepting my gender identity.
I have a fairly unpleasant case of social anxiety disorder. Have for years, and it makes interaction with nearly all people distressing and tiring. Even among my friends, there were only a few I felt truly comfortable around.
I think, in part, that was because huge chunks of my personality were walled off. Anything I considered even slightly feminine was cordoned off and surpressed. Accepting that I am a woman in every way that matters has knocked down those walls to some degree. In my recent interactions I've been vivacious, sassy, empatheric, and comfortable with my emotions. It has been amazing. I'm not done with social anxiety yet, but it feels like there is a new light in the tunnel.
To slip into metaphor for a second, it's like I've been playing Solitaire with no 4s, 6s, or Clubs for years... and losing every time. Now I have those cards, and I see how the game is supposed to be played. I still need to learn to play well, but at least I have a full deck now.
Anyone here experience anything like this during the discovery phase?
Hugs and Kisses,
Tamika.
My euphoric moment came when I discovered it was possible to do what I had dreamed of doing as a teen. I really could be me. That is n't quite what you describe, but, it is the closest I have had to what you are asking.
It felt like I finally lit the lantern I'd been carrying around in this dark cave forever. Going from stumbling in the dark to at least being able to see 10 feet around me.
That is until my sister decided to smash my lantern last night. Now I have to go and find another lantern dammit!
Welcome aboard Tamika,
I completely agree with your opening post statement. Self acceptance after decades of denial remains the Aha Moment when my world changed. Yes, glorious relief and understanding of a lifetime issue. I simply was unaware of how much work it was to guard my behavior and act like some sort of man. A very good good bye to him and a wonderful welcome to my more true nature.
I agree with you completely Tamika. Self acceptance was so big a moment for me that it feels like my defining moment. It almost made the years of pain worth it. I feel lucky to have gotten to experience it. Not many people get to. It is our private joy as trans people.
I too have suffered from steadily worsening social anxiety. Mostly from having to present as male and keep that constant check on my behavior. Trying to be sure I didn't let out too much of what I felt was part of my true self. I only let out enough to keep me sane. A drop too much and the floodgates were sure to open. I only had a couple friends I could be even remotely comfortable around, but even their company would exhaust me.
I have been freed at last! Like your extremely apt analogy puts forth. I am still learning how to play but I am so glad to have the full deck, jokers et all.
As my therapist suggested to me last week at the end of my first appointment. I feel lucky to have examined my life so thoroughly and honed my life down to its essential components because now not only do I know myself better than most people get to know themselves, I also have the joy of building my life anew!
I love how blessed I am to have given myself a true second chance a new start. It has already been so marvelous I am truly looking forward to the rest of my life. I savor every second.