Not sure why I am writing this, no one here can really help me with this, and my fears and concerns and near suisidal panic I have been teetering on the edge of is stupid and makes no sense but here goes.
Saturday I have my third appointment to see a woman about shooting a laser at my face. The very first session she was not totally sure about my facial hair, she thinks if its as dark as the hair on my head we will be great and the laser will do its job well, but if its a lighter shade, more like my eyebrows it may not be more than mildly effective if that. The problem being I shave so close and so often she cant really see what color it is and I am no help, its been literally 16 years sense I let myself have more than the slightest stubble, facial hair is one of my big freak out points its like the #1 think that triggers my dysphoria, I can't even sleep usually unless I have shaved in the last few hours.
so last session she asked me to grow out a small patch for a few days before the next session, which I started tonight by not shaving one small area. This alone was difficult and by saturday afternoon it will likely be hellish on me. The big scare and the reason I have been such a mess lately is the very possible fear that she will tell me its too light and laser is not going to work. If that happens I don't know what I will do.
The only hair removal option at that point is electrolosis but instead of needing to shave before hand like with laser I would have to grow my whole face out for likely 3+ days for that, and it would end up with weekly session so like 3 days a week no shaveing. I cant do that not without drugging/drinking myself unconcious every night it takes this from one treatment every month or so for a year to a year and a half, up to weekly sessions for 3ish years.
Looking at that it seems to destroy any ability to continue living as myself when undergoing this. I...I cant do that the very idea of it is too much, its only been a month sense I started living true to myself and even in that short time despite the problems i have encounted I know I can't go back to the way things where before. When I think about it, all the little voices in my head seem to agree, and they never all agree, and they agree death would be better, ending everything is the best solution.
Sorry so much for how dark that goes but I cant really control how I feel and I know theses feelings are insane I know this is not nearly as horrible as it seems, that its just one more challenge along the way but, right now it dosen't seem that way right now it feels like when I first saw my doctor and was afraid they would tell me that my terrifyingly high blood pressure would forever prevent me from taking hormones. In that broken, depressing, mess I call my brain this is one of those things that destroys everything.
I blame this on my brain that forever tells me that I will fail at everything I try, nothing is ever allowed to go my way, that I am fat, ugly and unlovable, and that I should just give up right now. I have been trying to change how I think but so far its rarely worked for long.
Sorry once again its not often that my depression gets to the point that I tell people I work with that if I don't show up sunday for my shift its because something went terribly wrong in my life and I killed myself rather than live in pain forever. In fact it was the first time I let it out at work and I scared the hell out of them, and they truly can't understand that depression dose not care what anyone thinks.
Three times is as close as absolute truth, so I am sorry.
Serena
Hi Serena,
You worry wart!!
You have fair skin and dark hair so laser will clear the dark hair, and a good laser tech wants you to shave and not grow out, otherwise the laser burns the growth and not the follicles.
If in doubt go to a few laser place but make sure they are use to dealing with heavy hair growth and not just 'cosmetic laser' beauticians.
I went to a place that specialised in women with POCS. They knew what they were doing, were trained RNs and blasted my beard to smithereens. OK it took some time but we got there.
You are not fat and ugly! You are a lovely woman who has contributed and helped many here. Your dreams will come true honey!
Now, do your nails, maybe have a bubble bath, feel good about yourself and look forward to a wonderful life as the lovely woman you are.
Oh a trick. I always wore sexy lingerie when going for laser. No one could see, but it made me feel a lot more feminine and sexy!
Lots of hugs
Cindy
Well I sports bras are not exactly sexy and there all I have something about finding a 50ish inch bra that's a problem or super expensive, and bubble baths take far too long, my showers are already in the 45 minutes range. I do end up painting my nails a few times a week, my job is brutal on them. But I am fat, ugly and unlovable, I have science to back that up. Well the unlovable part is more anecdotal evidence but still.
As for the laser it's a very pro place she is just concerned my arm hair is very light and my eyebrows are several shades lighter than my hair. Plus I think I am required by law or something to have a emotional freak out/break down every few weeks it's like union bylaws or something.
Serena
You are NOT fat, ugly, and unlovable! You are sexy, beautiful, and loved!
If you still feel suicidal, please contact the Suicide Prevention Hotline. Google it and you can talk to a person or even chat online. There's also a lifetime just for trans people.
I know you feel. I'm 300+lbs and hairy. I need a 50 inch bra, too! In fact I found a great one at Amazon for under $20. They're out there. And unless you're in California, there's nothing wrong with a long shower. I'm nearing the point where laser won't remove the light hairs and that's half my face! The growing is dysphoric, but you'll get through. Other girls before you have and I know you can. How do I know? Because you came here. That's smart. There's always someone hear to help. Good luck and hugs! Remember you are not alone.
Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk
Trying to deal with facial hair removal once you have transitioned to full time can indeed be a real pain. Hope laser works well for you - quicker, cheaper, less painful too!!
Ya I sorta accidentally fell into full time from never having left my house dressed to full time in 16 days. But other than the regular insanity And freak outs it's been going very good at least on a everyone has been awesome level.
Cloths online are so difficult to guess especially girl cloths. I am ok with the sports bras right now. I am just terrified because if my hair won't work with laser the only option is electrolysis for years which will make things so very very difficult days at a time with visible facial hair every week. My facial hair is so very high on my trigger list I have a small patch a day or so old and its already driving me to distraction full beard I would be a wreck.
So I desperately hope this isn't a problem, now let's hope I can get some sleep at all tonight after laser tommorow morning I have to work till midnight so yay.
Serena, who is unlovable based on a lack of every being loved.
so to make things worse I finally make it to today to the dreaded appointment, then I woke up and found a message, the laser place has to reschedual the woman who dose the treatment's mother is sick and she wont be in. so now i am going to be late for work on thursday. I crawled back into bed, hugged my pillow, cried some (which seemed to help), and forced myself to sleep a few more hours. now I get to go shave only to deal with it all over again next week.
Serena
Have a big *hug*
well try to enjoy the day... try to find something positive... enjoy a nice cup of tea...
if you feel like it reach out and call one of the helplines...
you can call or chat here for example:
glbthotline.org/hotline.html
translifeline.org
big *hugs*
help lines are really not my thing, I hate talking on the phone so much (it goes with my desperate hate of my voice).
and I was at work all day and managed to hold myself together right up until i got in the car to drive home and I cried the whole way home, nothing extream just tears and bad thoughts. if I can't deal with something as minor as the possiblity of having trouble with hair removal how the hell will I deal with something really bad. how could I possibly deal with life at all. Around when I starting thinking I would actually be better off dead I forced myself to stop thinking of it and focus on the music I was listening to.
oddly when the big scary important things do come up I am often not half as bothered by them as I am with stupid things like my weight or hair.
Serena, who just wants this appointment to be over with one way or another.
Quote from: Valwen on July 19, 2015, 01:12:19 AM
help lines are really not my thing, I hate talking on the phone so much (it goes with my desperate hate of my voice).
and I was at work all day and managed to hold myself together right up until i got in the car to drive home and I cried the whole way home, nothing extream just tears and bad thoughts. if I can't deal with something as minor as the possiblity of having trouble with hair removal how the hell will I deal with something really bad. how could I possibly deal with life at all. Around when I starting thinking I would actually be better off dead I forced myself to stop thinking of it and focus on the music I was listening to.
oddly when the big scary important things do come up I am often not half as bothered by them as I am with stupid things like my weight or hair.
Serena, who just wants this appointment to be over with one way or another.
The help lines also have a chat. Its possible to text with them.
Well crying can sometimes be a healthy release of emotions.
Just see it through, the appointment will come and go and afterwards you will be glad its done :)
many *hugs*
Here's an idea. Why don't you shave and collect the stubble? This way you can keep your face clean while they figure out what hair color you have
Would be a idea if I let it get that long before shaving. Even when I shaved it off after two and a half days I couldn't see anything on the razer, it was not good lighting but still nothing.
You just have to go with it my love!!! I hated growing my facial hair out for laser and electrolysis. For me it was a weird one as the hairs on my face were thick and black but sparse.
How much full time are you? Out at work and so on or just in public. If it's not a great commitment, you'll have to spend a little while in the male presentation doldrums whilst the thing does its work. For a time, a few months ago, I had the thickest, longest facial hairs I've ever allowed myself. Then I had them shot to bits by the Alexandrite machine!!!
TBH - I just left them there. Week three (or so) after the first treatment was the most life changing for me. It began when weird dotty bits appeared along my jawline followed by the little black hairs literally falling out in clumps. I could run a nail over my chin and find hair under it!!!
At the end of the day I would exfoliate and find the water full of hairs. I've had a second session and number three is on its way. As a (previously) obsessive shaver I can go for days now (in pretend boy) without putting a razor anywhere near my face. It helps with the dysphoria as it's one less male activity in my daily routine. My skin is better. Like SO much better. :) And when the follicles are dead, there's nothing hiding under the skin. Where once there was dark shadow, there is now even tone. Additionally shaving chops the hair off at the skin surface. What it doesn't do is get the sub-facial hair out. When that happens the pores close up. The skin texture becomes smooth and make-up sits so much better.
I've got a way to go with it, but to all intents and purposes I don't have problem facial hair any more. And I no longer have to attack my skin with nasty blades any more.
Whilst that may not be so helpful - think that transition isn't a straight line. We have to go forward, then into reverse to undo silly things we've done. There have to be, by definition, resting periods. We can't just bump over a set of points and switch from the male track to the female. All sorts of things need to happen. Like at the moment the good train Melissa D is in the service bay having a repaint and makeover. She'll be out and rolling in her new pink and gold livery soon. But these things take time. Like everything else. Transition is hard. Life is hard, but it's harder for us because it's been going wrong since day one.
Laser will help you to be you. I'm not going to lie - it has created, for me, everything I ever wanted to create. I never was a boy in a dress. I'm a girl, so are you, I just need to help society along with recognising that fact by correcting a few unfortunate things that happened at birth. Sort of like Educating Rita. It has done SO much for me. It WILL do so much for you. It will. I wish I could be in the same room, sit down and say it over and over until you believed me.
I can't. So you'll have to be a bearded lady for a bit. I was. I found it quite funny to think of myself that way and it helped. Now my poor little razor gathers dust and my transition gathers momentum. I just need my laser technician and beautician to make the finishing touches, the full tank of diesel if you like. Then I'm on the right track baby (I was born this way...).
And if I seem happy about it then I am ;)
You can be too. But you need to get strong before you can get happy. Seriously!! It's hard for girls out there. The only way to get over dysphoria is to do something about it. Not just quick fixes and patches. And if that means having a beard for a while then so be it. Transition isn't something I want you to give up on.
For the sake of all of your sisters here and elsewhere - don't give up because it hurts. Life can get better, you just need to power through the nasty bits and come out in a nice pair of heels.
Warmest thoughts. And slightly annoyed if you give up thoughts ;)
Missy xx
I did three laser sessions. If you have dark hair it will hurt alot and mess up your face. After 3 treatments the pain had greatly reduced and it was time for electrolysis. I am 35 hours in on electrolysis and I let my hair grow 2 days. I only need a 2 by 2 inch rectangle for a 1.5 hour session and not the whole face. Oh, you can bring a safety razor and shave the small area after the session.
Next week I will do ears again and let the endorphins rush (2nd sweep). Ears hurt the most.
Missy I love your zest for life even if it is painful to my generally goth level of depression, but I could not deal emotionally with growing it out any more than I did, not for very long at least. I wish my facial hair was super dark that would make things great in regards to lazer my problem is the opposite it may not be dark enough. So I finally got to my Thursday session even with two days growth, perhaps due to the razer burn she still coulden't really tell how dark it is but she thinks she has seen reduction, I figure she just likes taking my money and being a fat, ugly, stupid, pathedic waste of flesh I will just keep giving it to them.
as for full timeness, I actually did jump the track so to speak, in 16 days I went from my first time out of the house fem to living every day as myself, and over all its been good, good interspaced with full blown psychological melt downs, but those where pretty common before i transisioned. In short I don't have low self esteem I have none, tiny mistakes I made decades ago still send me into fits where I am sure i am useless and awful, and more major more modern negitive experiances are truly devestating.
Last wednesday and thursday I was actually doing well, I had started to fix my mental state, i had started accepting peoples compliments at face value, rather than assume they where just being nice or are afraid of the freak and want to keep me happy, I had stopped insulting myself, all together things where looking up, if that had continued for a few months I may have even reached the point where I would see myself in a postive light. Instead friday I showed up to work and the one thing in the world I though I did a good job at even though I hate it fell apart in my face, I spent the next 9 hours waiting on customers whail trying often unsuccessfully to avoid crying or screaming, there was also self harm involved, nothing major a few times I punched my head or bit myself once I scratched lines into both my wrists. long story short compared to Friday my freak out over the laser thing was a kid yelling for icecream when the truck drove by.
luckily I have awsome friends and one sat and talked to me for several hours friday night and then all saturday night and managed to help me work through my frustrations and not do anything too bad. Yes I am in therapy I see him every wednesday and in theory we are working on me, and it is helping there is just a lot to work on. So in one day the last few months of confidence and self esteem building where obliterated and now I am back to answering the question "who are you with : I am a fat, ugly, stupid, useless, transgender virgin geek who should have done everyone a favor and killed herself long ago"
Please Please don't get overly concerned with me though, I may be very emotionally fragile but I have never actually cause permanant harm to myself and I know as long as I have friends to vent to and I can find some way to weather the initial pain and self hate when something dose go wrong I will recover. Luckly my oldest supporter is much more level headed than me and has no problem calling me on it when I am over reacting, which I know is almost always.
Serena, who has been over shareing too much lately.
P.S. I expect to be back to working on my self esteem in no more than a few months, and hopefully just a week or so.