Okay so I currently identify as a genderfluid demiguy and am an AFAB. I'm out to everyone and am considering transitioning by going on T. However, I'm still having internal conflicts. I've never felt like a girl, but I don't feel fully like a guy either. It fluctuates between feeling agender and very masculine (sometimes at the same time). I present as male (wearing guy's clothes, extremely short hair, very muscular body, etc.), and I've asked people to use masculine and/or neutral pronouns and terms when addressing me. But fact that I don't feel fully like a guy makes me wonder if I'm just a butch.
This is really hard for me to explain, but I guess I just never associated myself with what society sees as being things that girls are "supposed" to do, like, behave, etc. and I've never felt like all the other girls I've surrounded myself with. I've always connected more with what society sees as masculine. I think this is what is causing me a lot of conflict because it's making me question whether or not I actually am a guy or if I'm still a girl but just like expressing myself in a stereotypical masculine way like butches. For years I was trying to conform to what society thought girls should be, but it always felt wrong. But now, it's like I feel like the way I think, act, and socialize is not how a guy typically does... but it's not how a girl does either. Ugh. My mind is going in circles and I feel like I can't explain this very well.
I guess now I'm just confused because I don't know if what I've been feeling my whole life is from actually being a guy inside or if it's just from not having the typical attributes associated with being a girl :-\
I don't really know what else to say except that I feel like that sometimes too
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What would be equivalent of a Butch in the mtf world? A very efeminate passive gay guy?
Hey jj!
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
These are all important questions that you should get straightened out before you start taking testosterone. Do you want people to see and treat you as a man, do you want to have a male name and dress in a male fashion, do you want to have a masculinised body (eg body hair, beard, possible thinning hair, etc) would you rather be without your breasts. None or all of those things might be the path you take if you transition to male but you definitely need to chat with a gender therapist to get a clearer idea if that is the life you want to pursue.
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