I decided to hold off on taking T until I'm absolutely sure the timing etc is right. I have more top dysphoria than anything & getting surgery soon. I identify as a man although deciding to hold off on T hasn't spiked my dysphoria, as I thought it would. I don't pass at all right now & getting top surgery will make me feel whole although it might bring more
challenges as I will be seen as a girl with no breasts.
Now it got me wondering if I'm really trans or possibly gender fluid. I understand you can still be a transman without T & without passing, but this seems odd to me. I would think being trans & not just gender fluid would make one unable to wait to get on T. Anyone else not on T? Thoughts on this?
When I first came here I discovered just how much the definition of gender has expanded in the time I have been out of therapy. We worked with a pretty binary definition but it did allow some variation. Hormones or dress don't really define who you are. In my case, I discovered that I was a person who wanted to live in the normal female role. I could do that without surgery and if I had to without hormones though I would have been better off with castration to rid myself of the male hormones (castration wasn't an option that was considered much in those days).
I found male hormones to be really aggressive on the mind, something I had a hard time living with. I don't really know what it is like for a FTM but I suspect it's the changes they cause that results in the distress they feel rather than beating on the brain they are uncomfortable with. If that is the case, living without T for a FTM may be more comfortable that it is for a MTF and T.
The fact you feel big time dysphoria indicates to me you are not very fluid and have a pretty male orientation. I wouldn't think somebody fluid would have much dysphoria or if they did, appearance changes could deal with most of it.
I know this post kind of rambles a bit but I am still attempting to understand gender fluid myself and these are some of the thoughts I have had about it. I am still learning from others on this board and I may get it all figured out some day :D
I mean, Gender identity and gender expression are completely different things. your chest doesn't have anything to do with what gender you are or how binary/nonbinary you are on the spectrum , its simply a way of expressing yourself to others. it's just the type of man you feel like, and that's completely valid and not odd at all really! I wouldn't worry about anything other than what makes you feel best.
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Dena, thanks for sharing! Yes you're right about how much more diverse gender fluidity has become. I guess I still sometimes get stuck on traditional roles, etc. And I need to keep reminding myself that hormones don't define my true gender. It helps to hear others & their thoughts :)
jlaframboise, thanks for sharing too! Yep, gender identity and gender expression are different, it helps to hear this. I just need to let things be as they are & not get into binary limbo with my own thoughts. :)
I am in the same boat. I had top surgery over a year ago and it does help. Now I am in limbo between T or not. Even a therapist could not help me decide.