What is dysphoria? Can I be trans even though I don't have dysphoria?
I read something recently about someone trans who described being transgender as "getting that weird feeling in your stomach every time you use the restroom/ change clothes/ see your genitalia or secondary sex characteristics.
I identify as trans but I've personally never gotten a "weird feeling in my stomach" when seeing my genitalia. I feel male and the idea of transitioning sounds relieving to me, but what does it mean when I don't feel strange about my body? Am I still trans?
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I've never been uncomfortable with my body, and only started to experience dysphoria when I started moving toward transition. I've been happily living as a woman for more than two years, so I can say that neither dysphoria or discomfort with body is a requirement for being trans.
It's not always a weird gut feel. I've heard of head buzzing, dissociation (those I've experienced), inadequacy, overcompensation...it's individual.
Dysphoria doesn't have to be constant, either.
For me, it's more of a generalized sadness every time I see my face or the feminine aspects of my body. A feeling of not being quite right, a feeling of "wearing" my body rather than having it seamlessly integrated with the "me" in my head.
Mostly it's been a lifetime of low-grade self-hatred and constant mirror-avoidance.
More than anything visual, though, it's been my voice that's caused me the worst dysphoria...to the point that I would refuse to talk on the phone to people. It's like having someone else's voice coming out of my mouth--a totally bizarre experience.
For me it just feels like a terrible depressing feeling when I see myself in the mirror or get caught up in my masculine features because I mostly just want them gone. For me though it doesn't extend to my genitalia. I don't know that I will end up getting SRS unless I start to experience negative feelings toward my genitals because surgery is always a risk and I don't want to get more surgeries than I really need to. But I get really depressed when it comes to things like my body hair and my male clothes and the fact that I'm balding and can't grow my hair out because of that. Really all dysphoria is is the feeling of there being a disconnect between your body and the gender you feel you are mentally and that can manifest in many different ways.
Like someone takes you by the shoulders and starts rocking you back and forth really, really fast/hard all the whilst having mental images of boy/girl boy/girl boy/girl
Tiresome.
Anxiety, Depression.. Jealousy of males.
My lower half is the worst part. I have never "explored" internally and I don't ever plan on it. I have never had a girlfriend stick around with me because they never understood my genital dysphoria. I would rather get some vaginal disease that kills me than to ever see a Gyno (yes a million times I have heard to get a pap smear). I have never had intercourse either and I don't plan on it ever. So if I ever do decide to have bottom surgery they better plan on giving me my gyno exam while I am under anesthesia for the surgery.
I am going to be a bit more bookish but it still applies to me. It is the sense that something is wrong with the world as it fails to match your mind. Body dysphoria is something I am learning about because I never saw it before. With me it was primarily the life I was living was all wrong. I wanted to look the part of a woman and have people accept me as such. It wasn't any one thing, it was everything. All the little day to day details from getting up in the morning to shave, having to go in the mens restroom, not being a part of the woman's crowd to being addressed as sir or by my male name.
Before surgery while I was still in the cross living period was when I noticed something strange and even without surgery, that uncomfortable feeling was gone.
Quote from: suzifrommd on July 22, 2015, 09:29:44 AM
I've never been uncomfortable with my body, and only started to experience dysphoria when I started moving toward transition. I've been happily living as a woman for more than two years, so I can say that neither dysphoria or discomfort with body is a requirement for being trans.
Thanks for posting this. I find it really interesting how getting closer to what you want to become sometimes doesn't ease the desire, like you'd think, but heighten it--
I'm similar in that I've never HATED my body/genitals, but have decided to transition for other reasons. Yet when I was DIYing (started/stopped twice), I oscillated between
Oh, I don't need to transition anymore; I feel fine now! and
Now that in my mind, I'm on the same playing field as GGs, I am so far behind and I look and feel awful. I mean, I know this is really bad logic, but nothing about any of this seems logical :D
guess i'll be the odd one out, I had major dysphoria, cringed whenever I seen myself naked. Being referred to in anyway male felt like being knifed. Sex made me cry it just felt so wrong. *shudders*
It's like seeing a stranger in the mirror for me. I never could quite associate the person in the mirror with the concept of "me". I was always surprised when the external image failed to match the internal one. It wasn't always agonizing... sometimes it was just jarring. What's worse, until recently I never knew why. Now I get it. The person in the mirror is a guy, I'm not. I... avoid mirrors now, because that feeling of unreality is much stronger when I'm aware of what's happening.
It feels like a constant pain in your gut. It feels like a vice around your head. It feels like a lead blanket weighing you down and sometimes suffocating. You feel like crying. You feel like there's no hope. You realize why some people commit suicide. Then other times it's just a pressure in your head. Or it's almost not there at all and you wonder if that feeling was real. But then it comes back.
if you asked me last year, I'd tell you I had it so bad, j was an inch from cutting that thing off. I have cut down there before. I hated the sight of the boy bits. it even got to the point my dysphoria crippled me and I nearly was killed by oncoming traffic because I had a sudden spontaneous bugling. now, it's like I don't have an issues but I would very much like them gone. if someone told me i 'd have to live as a male and not get srs, I'd literally throw myself into oncoming traffic
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Genital dysphoria is not universal. I had some of it but it wasn't that intense.
What was intense was seeing women being themselves, socially. It would make my stomach turn and i would feel depressed.
I have had an experience very similar to the one expressed by iKate, however, I do have discomfort, anxiety, whenever I see myself from the waist down. The intensity of the dysphoria decreased after starting HRT, but then, so did the apparent "size" of my "problem" ;)
At work, I am constantly reminded of my corporal inadequacies... all of those young ladies, 17-25 floating around campus, looking like the body image that was denied me by fate. That too, thankfully, seems to have been assuaged somewhat by the correction in my hormone balance.
For me it wasn't a body part, lack of boobs but body hair.
I HATED IT! I wanted it gone, I wanted a female pattened body hair.
There were a few other things, but I could have coped, but when it came to body hair I felt sick.
There were times I would shave my legs, get out of the bath, get goose bumps, feel my legs and shave again.
You just feel like exploding inside cos you can't be/live how you really want to.
Bad Dysphoria from around 5 to early'ish teens on a certain body part, that sort of eased off... I managed the Dysphoria!
But the main thing all these years was as Nicole said... I really hated male body hair and arms, legs and facial... only back of upper legs to go and facial.. long haul, but Yay 8)
Katy xx
This hits it for me because in many ways not being able to do what I want and then knowing I had to hold off while another relative did really it me hard too. So definitely what she said hits the spot. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Evolving Beauty on July 23, 2015, 06:15:05 AM
You just feel like exploding inside cos you can't be/live how you really want to.
Dysphoria for me is a combination of many feelings. I will often have phantom limb sensations, most strongly in my chest; that something is supposed to be there when it isn't in reality. In addition, my mind will make a snap judgement that I should be on the opposite of some gender specific situations: e.g. someone will call me 'young man' and my mind will immediately think it is foreign and then my mind will go through a couple moments begging where if someone would call 'young woman' it would seem completely natural. There is also a generalized anxiety component to it, where I don't feel that 'this' (male life) is right. Finally, a general feeling of wanting is present where I just want to feel all the social perspectives, physical, and emotional sensations that a normal girl feels on an average day.
Quote from: Ashley Allison on July 23, 2015, 09:34:42 AM
Dysphoria for me is a combination of many feelings. I will often have phantom limb sensations, most strongly in my chest; that something is supposed to be there when it isn't in reality. In addition, my mind will make a snap judgement that I should be on the opposite of some gender specific situations: e.g. someone will call me 'young man' and my mind will immediately think it is foreign and then my mind will go through a couple moments begging where if someone would call 'young woman' it would seem completely natural. There is also a generalized anxiety component to it, where I don't feel that 'this' (male life) is right. Finally, a general feeling of wanting is present where I just want to feel all the social perspectives, physical, and emotional sensations that a normal girl feels on an average day.
Mine is similar to you honeybooboo xoxoxoxox
Dysphoria for me was, not feeling right. Looking in the mirror i couldnt see anything but a stranger looking back and walking the streets i felt uncomfortable around people and when i seen my genitals i hated what i seen. I got to the stage where i hated living.. i never had a life i had a excistance.. it was torture living with it day by day.. then when i started to transition i started to feel better because slowly i felt that the true me was coming out and it felt great. Over time i knew i needed to have SRS.. now that i have had it and im now fully me my dysphoria has gone. I finally feel "normal" happy with who i am.. i do sometimes get lapses when someone trys to question me but it is very rare..
For me Having my SRS has helped me so much and i would never regret it..
But thats me and everyone is different regarding dysphoria, it could mean alot of things...
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Quote from: Ashley Allison on July 23, 2015, 09:34:42 AM
Dysphoria for me is a combination of many feelings. I will often have phantom limb sensations, most strongly in my chest; that something is supposed to be there when it isn't in reality. In addition, my mind will make a snap judgement that I should be on the opposite of some gender specific situations: e.g. someone will call me 'young man' and my mind will immediately think it is foreign and then my mind will go through a couple moments begging where if someone would call 'young woman' it would seem completely natural. There is also a generalized anxiety component to it, where I don't feel that 'this' (male life) is right. Finally, a general feeling of wanting is present where I just want to feel all the social perspectives, physical, and emotional sensations that a normal girl feels on an average day.
Damn it >.>
For me it meant confusion. Why did I feel the way that I did? Why would I risk being caught wearing lingerie? Why did I want breasts? Why did I feel the need to be penetrated? Why did I think that stealing one birth control pill from a friend, swallowing it and thinking that it might do something for me? And why did I feel so much bliss when I experienced these things? There were no answers for me in the 50's and 60's. I'm finally getting some answers.
Distraction.
Constantly being distracted with these thoughts of being the gender opposite of what I was born with, even when I'm supposed to be focused on the job, on a project, on the road, talking to someone in conversation, etc.
I've never hated myself, hated my own life, or wanted to die.
But I'm always feeling this distraction almost every moment I'm awake.
Wow! I can relate to something in almost everyone's comments. I have trouble putting in to words things that I feel. I can describe myself perfectly if I take parts of each of your descriptions of dysphoria and put the words together in a sentence. I am also only just acknowledging to myself that I have dysphoria.
Jayne
https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/CKqqZlEWgAABXhb.mp4
Sorta like this also
TW: genitals talk
Whenever I look in the mirror or at pictures of myself, I think "wow, that isn't how I feel on the inside." I hate being treated as a man day to day. It's like people just expect me to have this personality and demonstrate these social cues and behaviors that aren't me. my genitals are a source of really uncomfortable thoughts and feelings too. it's like everything gets in the way when I'm being hygenic. IDK if anyone else gets this, but when I get spontaneously aroused, I REALLY start to feel bad and insecure and confused about my gender. I don't think it helps that I came out to one of my really close friends, who I've known for almost my entire teenage life, and he was telling me about this couple we both know who are trans women. I haven't seen them in over a year, but it sounded to me like he felt like he "confronted" them about deciding not to get SRS. for that reason he thinks they're drag queens. I love him to death but that really hurt. It feels like to me that he wouldn't accept me as a woman if I never planned to do SRS (which I honestly don't know). I know I absolutely do not have to disclose that to him or anyone else that I don't want to know... it still is like... "wow does that really matter so much to you that you're going to treat someone who would be so brave to come out by pretending they're a man?" it's not just him, he's just an example of that type of thinking that screws with my head when I think about my body.
Quote from: Gyps on July 24, 2015, 12:59:17 AM
Distraction.
Constantly being distracted with these thoughts of being the gender opposite of what I was born with, even when I'm supposed to be focused on the job, on a project, on the road, talking to someone in conversation, etc.
I've never hated myself, hated my own life, or wanted to die.
But I'm always feeling this distraction almost every moment I'm awake.
this really resonates with me, except the third line. I've had those feelings, but they weren't related to my gender. I work with a lot of old portrait photographs where I work and that constantly reminds me that I'm a girl. Talking with people is hard as hell too. depending on my social group at the time, different stuff pops into my head, but it's all related to my feelings about wanting to be who I am and live as a girl.
edit: I also get really paranoid and nervous about putting on my new clothes when I feel like it. it's like "what if my parents wake up and see me? I'll have to explain so much and I'm not ready to tell them." sometimes that goes away and I feel really comfortable for however long I'm dressed how I want to. sometimes it doesn't and I change quickly and go back to whatever I was doing.
Quote from: Leki on July 23, 2015, 10:13:20 AM
Mine is similar to you honeybooboo xoxoxoxox
My love is going your way Leki! Life is a wild ride not being born into the role you were meant to be in... XOXO :)
@ Swayallday... Yes, I think "Damn it >.>" is very appropriate but thankfully we do have social transitions, hrt, and various other modalities (ffs, srs, ba, vas, etc) to more closely resemble our intended role in life; even if it is a very courageous road!
Quote from: Joi on July 24, 2015, 12:53:49 AM
For me it meant confusion. Why did I feel the way that I did? Why would I risk being caught wearing lingerie? Why did I want breasts? Why did I feel the need to be penetrated? Why did I think that stealing one birth control pill from a friend, swallowing it and thinking that it might do something for me? And why did I feel so much bliss when I experienced these things? There were no answers for me in the 50's and 60's. I'm finally getting some answers.
Awwwww, Joi! So much to relate to in your topics (except I didn't exist in the 50's or 60's), but still many questions regarding questions for me. Why in the hell do I have a secret lingerie/ woman's clothing box that is often on the verge of being discovered? My terrible compulsion to go and dress from it/ simultaneously take pictures leaves me for weeks making lies why my chest is shaven. When I conjure a great set of breasts on others, they suddenly are on me, and my body aches for filling "that void" where they don't exist. As a teenage/ young male, I never possessed the inborn thought to penetrate (despite how gorgeous I found the female form to be), and it has been a serious struggle forcing myself to fully enjoy the act. On the flip side, there has never been any hesitation on my part in my mind to the thought of having someone penetrate me as a girl, besides issues of how desirable my partner was; the thoughts of a normal girl.
At one point I tried DIY. Big mistake in a lot of regards; despite being a doctor, I needed outside monitoring. I used them until my partner (who was unaware of my usage) made the comment that "I tasted different" to her. In addition, I really believed that I felt I was thinking differently. I don't discount my experience, and I feel it did abate my dysphoria. But, it begged the question, who can believe that exogenous estrogen and spirolactone have so many awesome benefits for me? Inducing visions of myself as a fully functioning member of the female gender soothes a small portion of my internal pain. That is dysphoria. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone Joi! :)
Thanks Ashley! Yes, we all share so many of these things in common. Doesn't matter when we were born. At least we now have a chance to be re-born. Oh the lucky lovely younger ones who find so much support and the information that we yearned for and had to find it via rare encounters with books or the odd underground pamphlet. Although aging I am, I will leave the planet as a lady dressed to the nines as my embers meet the skies.
Hugz!
Quote from: Ashley Allison on July 24, 2015, 11:58:56 PM
@ Swayallday... Yes, I think "Damn it >.>" is very appropriate but thankfully we do have social transitions, hrt, and various other modalities (ffs, srs, ba, vas, etc) to more closely resemble our intended role in life; even if it is a very courageous road!
Indeed, that's rather beautiful that all of that is possible. If only pursueing it wasn't so difficult :P...
Quote from: Gyps on July 24, 2015, 12:59:17 AM
Distraction.
Constantly being distracted with these thoughts of being the gender opposite of what I was born with, even when I'm supposed to be focused on the job, on a project, on the road, talking to someone in conversation, etc.
I've never hated myself, hated my own life, or wanted to die.
But I'm always feeling this distraction almost every moment I'm awake.
You articulate my dysphoric feelings so well. Seriously.
My experience has always been that parts of my body feel alien to me... I can look in a mirror and the person staring back just doesn't feel like me. I feel a great sadness attached to how I look, often when I look in a mirror, or shower, but these feelings never became localised until I had the word "trans man" to understand them...
I feel a lot of shame and isolation attached my my transness... I go through phases where I can't leave the house besides going to work and other periods where I feel OK.
Quote from: Gyps on July 24, 2015, 12:59:17 AM
Distraction.
Constantly being distracted with these thoughts of being the gender opposite of what I was born with, even when I'm supposed to be focused on the job, on a project, on the road, talking to someone in conversation, etc.
I've never hated myself, hated my own life, or wanted to die.
But I'm always feeling this distraction almost every moment I'm awake.
This, plus:
We learn to wear a mask.
We filter everything we say and do, to make it "appropriate" for the assigned gender.
Am I walking right? (I used to swish.)
Am I talking correctly? (Not too gushy, not too femme, sounding like a boy in terms of melody of speech, tone of voice, intonation of words, rate of speech, word choice? Am I using my hands too much? Am I projecting my voice enough? Loud enough? Aggressive enough?)
Am I carrying my school books liken the boys do - in one arm at the side? Or across my chest, like the girls do? (guess which I did naturally...)
Now, the mask is part of me, I'm not sure I can take it off. Not sure where "Batman" starts and "Bruce Wayne" ends - or is it vice-versa? No idea...
And ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, the dominant thoughts are: Something's wrong. I'm weird, I shouldn't be thinking of the girls *THAT* way (I want to be them, as well as be with them.) And while it can make for a lot of FRIENDSHIPS with women.... It leads to a lot of romantic frustration. She likes that you're friendly, caring, not immediately hitting on her, you'll help her, watch over her... But there's no progression, so she doesn't see you as "a man." You're just a "nice guy" who would be perfect for (her friend who needs a wife...)
[I know, it's sexist. Deal. I've currently got a live-in GF whose idea of being a "strong, independent woman" means I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, I'm the primary breadwinner, and she gets to play with her craft stuff all day, monopolizing the TV, and she approaches sex with an attitude the classic 42nd street hooker would consider aggressively forward. I think, after a decade of this, I'm allowed a little leeway, as a result of being used.]
It's sort of like a low-level static or white noise signal, permeating everything you do. I look int he mirror, and I see a decent-looking guy looking back. And I know that's "me". But it's not RIGHT, it's not who I (a) WANT to be (heavy set, no curves, man boobs, receded hairline, deep-set eyes, scowling), nor (b) who I feel I SHOULD be. so it's not TORTURE, but it's not reassuring, either. Imagine the angst you felt at 15 or so - forever. And the volume of that buzzing is getting LOUDER, too. The static sound, the volume is going up...
And suddenly you realize, you don't have a SINGLE honest relationship in your life (caveat: the girlfriends have known. Making the current one's actions all the more unforgiveable, when she threw out my hormones, and interferes with my posting on these sites, and hacks my email, and checks my phone... Just in case.)
And then, the people you SHOULD be able to be honest with - parents, family, SOs - you've had to hide from them the most.
By now, that "minor static" is SCREAMING, even though it's only white noise...
Instead of being "a waterfall", you're listening to Niagra falls in volume - but it's Angel Falls in scope. (Niagra is loud from the boats; Angel falls is the highest waterfall in the world, with two breaks, and not as loud - but you're falling that whole distance, endlessly, with the roar of Niagra in your ears...)
I think that's the point where we either break, or change. We transition onwards to life, or offwards and end it.
Yes, so much of our experience is shared and all too familiar, especially the part about not seeing yourself in the mirror. I am one that has felt dysphoria for a lifetime and did not know it's name. Like Joi being born in 1951 meant there were no explanations for why I felt so wrong, foreign and friendless. I could not fit in with the boys, not allowed to be with the girls and could not relate well with anyone else. I cried often and eventually assumed I must be from another planet or multiverse and kept to myself. I knew that other people could not know me as the only real parts of me were my eyes. Dissociation, fear of intimacy, acne and yet a terribly persistent libido were the gifts of a T fueled puberty. I left home at 16 but could not run away from my shadow self and she never let go until she could be free. Life can contain all sorts of hardships and challenges and mine were not so bad that I could not learn to cope. I learned to accept what I could and find happiness in other arenas. Finding love and romance was a worthwhile search and I remain with my life partner. I love to read and was able to complete my education and have a rewarding and successful career even while my personal life was in turmoil. I conflated my bisexual orientation with gender confusion and lived a fairly androgynous life with enough clues to make a good treasure map. I have found that treasure at the end of the rainbow and it is being free to just be me and the girl of my dreams come true (or at last as close as possible ;-).
for me, it ranges from small and weird things to large and panic-attack-inducing things.
Like, waking up completely convinced that someone has strapped water-balloons to my chest, because my chestickles feel completely detached from myself. It's the double-take when passing reflective surfaces. It's reflexively trying to adjust anatomy that isn't there, and feeling a jab of nausea/panic/"wha..?" when my hand meets what is actually there. It's wanting to crawl out of my skin every time I'm confronted with my 'femininity'.
It's not talking much because my voice is obnoxiously high and squeaky. It's not wanting to be in a relationship, because I can't be sexualy intimate without wanting to vomit. (in fact my sisters think I'm aro/ace cause I've been single for years). I've never had a doctor examine my down-stairs area, the idea sends me panicking. I'm not out, but I still get irrationally irritated when referred to as female. I have intense pride issues.
I can't imagine a future. I can't lay down long-term plans, because I can't visualize them at all.
Loaded question. It has given the gift of denial, anxiety, depression, fear, confusion, anger, passiveness, ...did I mention denial and depression. For me growing up I didn't hate being a boy, in fact some parts were alright. Tho I knew if I could be a girl i would have chose it. However when testosterone came roaring life got crappy-er. Hair growing in the wrong places, emotions out of order, morning wood? More like the wake up night mare and sexuality with the inflatable mushroom was pure drudgery. T blockers have given me my life back and this process is tho only beginning, it is getting much better. Tho I don't pass too well and hate being called air, him and he inl know sooner enough this will change. Makes life better. Good luck to all on here :) xoxo
Quote from: AlexW on July 27, 2015, 05:11:15 PM
I can't imagine a future. I can't lay down long-term plans, because I can't visualize them at all.
I feel that. I figure a large amount of it is PTSD and self-hatred, but I find dysphoria has an influence on it too.
It took me awhile to get to the point that I put my two major anxieties together but I've actually had an extreme phobia or anxiety over what happens after death. Like debilitating anxiety. I went to therapy for it and didn't want to get into my gender issues with the therapist at the time. This anxiety went on for years and years and recently it's come back 10 times worse than before. What happened to trigger it? I'm not sure but my wife discovered my stash of women's clothes, make up and wig around the time my death anxiety came roaring back. I never connected my gender issues with my death anxiety until I sat down and wrote a very long email to my wife about my dressing. Memories came flooding back and I realized my death anxiety and "dressing up eras" overlapped. The conclusion I came to only recently is that I'm anxious about what happens after death because what I am in life is not right and if I can't be who I am now and there was nothing after life then really, wtf am I doing with my life?
Quote from: steyraug96 on July 27, 2015, 01:53:38 PM
This, plus:
We learn to wear a mask.
We filter everything we say and do, to make it "appropriate" for the assigned gender.
Am I walking right? (I used to swish.)
Am I talking correctly? (Not too gushy, not too femme, sounding like a boy in terms of melody of speech, tone of voice, intonation of words, rate of speech, word choice? Am I using my hands too much? Am I projecting my voice enough? Loud enough? Aggressive enough?)
Am I carrying my school books liken the boys do - in one arm at the side? Or across my chest, like the girls do? (guess which I did naturally...)
Now, the mask is part of me, I'm not sure I can take it off. Not sure where "Batman" starts and "Bruce Wayne" ends - or is it vice-versa? No idea...
And ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, the dominant thoughts are: Something's wrong. I'm weird, I shouldn't be thinking of the girls *THAT* way (I want to be them, as well as be with them.) And while it can make for a lot of FRIENDSHIPS with women.... It leads to a lot of romantic frustration. She likes that you're friendly, caring, not immediately hitting on her, you'll help her, watch over her... But there's no progression, so she doesn't see you as "a man." You're just a "nice guy" who would be perfect for (her friend who needs a wife...)
..................................
And then, the people you SHOULD be able to be honest with - parents, family, SOs - you've had to hide from them the most.
By now, that "minor static" is SCREAMING, even though it's only white noise...
Instead of being "a waterfall", you're listening to Niagra falls in volume - but it's Angel Falls in scope. (Niagra is loud from the boats; Angel falls is the highest waterfall in the world, with two breaks, and not as loud - but you're falling that whole distance, endlessly, with the roar of Niagra in your ears...)
I think that's the point where we either break, or change. We transition onwards to life, or offwards and end it.
You expressed my own thoughts precisely, thank you. I hope you sort out the relationship; I now see how some of the relationships I've been in were not good for me, in retrospect.
Part of my transition has involved looking at old and new friends or relationships with a more wary and discerning eye, because I realized how being transgender has made me a pushover due to low self-esteem.
It was for me the feeling of an impending sense of doom. During my childhood years, I have had these deep fantasies of being a girl and a developing curiosity of things like what it felt like to be a girl, and to have female genitalia.
Though, by the time I was approximately 11 years old and approaching puberty, I started going into these gloomy feelings of hopelessness and that I was going to change and lose the closest thing I knew to being feminine, which was my childhood, innocence, etc...
I feel like dysphoria could be summed up with the feeling of hopelessness, gloominess, and an impending sense of doom.
This very much depends on where you are in your transition though and also how much knowledge you have obtained of resources and possibilities and etc.
Quote from: Swayallday on July 24, 2015, 03:46:25 AM
https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/CKqqZlEWgAABXhb.mp4
Sorta like this also
https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/CNHYMEyUAAAe9ku.mp4
Feels like this mostly
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CNBFeAXWEAAQ6h8.png
This also.
How I look VS how I wanna look
https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/CJ4W5vpWwAAM_QW.mp4
I hope transition will feel like this
https://pbs.twimg.com/tweet_video/CLkvebaUwAAnqMH.mp4
It can be different for many people who experience, but for me it feels like having my mind and spirit trapped in another person's body, one that I don't want, one that when I see it in the mirror or look at it naked it's like looking at another's person body, because it doesn't feel like mine; even if I am technically living in it.
The intense hatred of my male parts and features is also a big thing for me, especially my flat chest and genitalia; and dealing with it can be a slog for real; especially since it will be a while before I can make any steps towards transitioning.
For me it felt like I am trapped inside some body that doesn't belong to the real me, I have't started my transition yet so I still feel this way, I have major self hatred when I look in the mirror I don't know if anyone else does this but when naked I look at my ''womanly parts '' with disgust, try to flatting my chest with my hands in the mirror and cry. I try to if possible to avoid windows to look at my reflection, I am slowly covering my neck up with tattoo's to hide that I have no adam's apple, I hate my voice and the fact it's not deep yet,I hate living in a body that does not match how I feel inside.
Like a commentary of thoughts consistently telling you that you are in the wrong gender, every situation you go into my mind does a mental replay with me as the female in the conversation, Looking at women and being jealous, wishing on every birthday as I blew out my candles that I could be a girl, Guilt, depression, self loathing, inter-changing myself with whomever I was sleeping with, feeling like my body isn't mine, feeling like it was like an overcoat, I hated mirrors because every time I look into one I get a feeling of disconnect...I tried yesterday to look at myself and I just couldn't do it.
I have noticed also, as I have begun the slow process of learning to listen to myself, a number of other things I have never taken much notice of, have how now become evident. Such as, I have a reaction to being "sir'd"...it happens so infrequently that the other day when it did happen, I was focussed on something else internally, but I noticed I had an internal winch when she said it. No big deal don't care that much...maybe I do. It felt quite a normal reaction...so lots of stuff can be felt in different ways but as you can see we all seem to know one thing at least...we feel different we don't always know how but we know we do.
When I was younger I was just sad and confused, I knew I was different, I knew I was a girl and by late teens I hated my body and everything about it. I wanted dead or fixed...instead I found booze.
I wondered this exact question for a bit after I realised I had gender dysphoria. I'd read comments on here from people saying they'd felt really bad dysphoria that day, and wonder why I didn't feel bad dysphoria. Then I realised that I had, I had just gotten so used to the feelings being a part of me that to give them their own name felt weird. Dysphoria is a pervasive, all-invading thing, and it consumes you at times.
I've had two bad dysphoria days recently. On Saturday me and a friend were in a shopping centre and had to go through a clothes store, and then back through it (tracking down statues of sheep... err, that's a whole story in itself ;)). Since he knows, I was able to linger and look at the clothes for a bit, pointing out ones I liked. Afterwards I got really light headed and anxious, and desperate for a ->-bleeped-<-. We went outside, and there was this girl wearing a vest top and longish light blue skirt and oh my god how I wanted to look exactly like her. That was bad for a while.
Then today I've been really bad. Nothing external has set it off, it was just the fact that people at work were looking at me and seeing a male. I hated it, I hated it so much. I hated them for looking at me wrong, even though they didn't know better. I wanted to scream out loud that I was a girl and demand they recognise me for who I was, then when I couldn't do that I wanted to run away and hide from everything. It was physically painful, like there was a hollow part in me but also like my whole body ached with the wrongness of what was going on. And of course work was slow so I had nothing to distract me and I had to sit there and overthink this ;).
I don't think dysphoria is just one feeling, or at least it's not for me. It's every feeling, all the time. It's the constant reminder that I'm wrong, and I'm a prisoner in my own body, and I just want to break free but I can't. But it also weirdly gives me hope. I have something tangible that I can fix, and hopefully I will be able to fix it eventually. It just sucks in the meantime.
This is a great thread, if a bit triggering, but such heartfelt and well written responses are evocative. So feeling "wrong" and not being able to figure out why was triggered but the latest posts. That was a feature of my early life. Dysphoria also meant unrecognized work to me. The work was in constantly guarding my mannerisms or anything that might out me as not male. I did not appreciate how much work it was until I stopped doing it. Sissy, queer, ->-bleeped-<-, girly, fairy and more once felt like hurtful and wrong terms. Seen from this place of self acceptance as trans I now wear them all proudly and can only wish I had figured this out sooner.
Dysphoria is a huge weight that takes real effort to throw off as we free ourselves from insipid labels.
Quote from: captains on May 25, 2015, 04:05:30 AM
Disconnect. Weird, off-kilter, slightly off. Not much social dysphoria for me, which made it hard wrt coming out to myself. Just a strange, dissociative "oh who's that" every time I look in the mirror. I thought it was dysmorphia at first, so I lost weight as a way to explore my feelings, but the closer I got to a feminine ideal, the stranger I felt. Weird bumps. Nothing right. I don't want to overstate; it's not like I'm shocked or horrified or disgusted when I see myself reflected in some class building. But I am ... surprised and a little unsettled. Like I'm seeing through the looking glass, and catching sight of some other universe's me. I can't help but feel like I look like I'm in drag all the time. Uncomfortable gender parody.
I kind of liked being "a woman" bc I felt as thought my peers trusted me more for it, but I would get weirdly jealous around my transfeminine friends. They were girls, like I (thought I) wanted to be, but they had the body! My body! Intellectually, I supported them and empathized with their struggles, but a part of me felt so envious of what they were born with. I wished we could just freakin' trade, but for ages, I wasn't sure why. I guess crying about downstairs stuff in the shower wasn't obvious enough for me, haha
The social dysphoria came later, once I knew but wasn't out. That was more itchy, I guess. "Hey girl, how are you!" wasn't offensive, but it gnawed at me, irritated me, like a mosquito in my ear.
I was typing up a whole thing, when I realized I had actually written about this once before. I actually feel comforted to see other people describing similar feelings. I find myself agonizing about being Cis All Along about every other week. What if I was making it up? What if this isn't
real dysphoria. It's nice to see others attributing the same feelings to the same phenomenon, yknow?