My partner and I have been together for nearly 13 years now (married for 9 of those). He's brought up the idea of being trans (in passing) a few times earlier in our relationship, but it wasn't something that ever went anywhere. A few weeks ago, after a few weeks of dropping hints, he finally came out to me as trans. I like to think of myself as pretty progressive and it wasn't entirely a surprise, so I feel like I am handling things pretty well. We've been through a very difficult time together before and we're generally very good communicators.
I did have a minor freak-out a few weeks ago after some pressing because, yeah, a lot is changing. I don't do particularly well with change in general and I am a car-taker who is notoriously bad at sticking up for myself, asking for help when I need it or speaking up when something is bugging me. But I am trying. I realize that so much of this is out of my control (what his physical changes will be, how our family will react) – and his as well – so there isn't much point in stressing out about it.
He's expressed concern a few times that I am so concerned with doing and saying the right thing that I'm not being honest (with myself or with him) about how I'm feeling. Things are moving at a brisk pace but he keeps offering to slow down. I'm of the "rip off the band-aid" mindset. This is what he wants and needs to be happy, so let's just do it and we'll adjust as we go.
I've said all of these things to him, but he's still worried that he's scaring me away, that any second the other shoe is going to drop and he'll come home one day to find me just gone. He's going through so much already, I really don't want him to have to worry about me on top of all of that.
What can I do to set him at ease? How do I let him know that I am really as okay as I can be?
Hi Ooper, welcome to Susan's. I would reassure them that your not going anywhere and that you support them. As long as they have a feeling that your not there for them no matter what they are going to think there is a chance that the other shoe could drop. You didn't say which direction they were heading, but I would assume that they are MtF. As a result, I would use the corresponding pronouns and the like which would go a long way to show them that you do in fact support them. Others will be along to help more. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs.
Mariah
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Thank you for the welcome!
He's FtM :)
Hi ooper,
I'm FTM but without the positive partner outcome your guy has. Sounds like you're doing a lot of things right! What helped me more than anything (and continues to do so) is therapy. Maybe encouraging therapy, individually or together, would be helpful to reassure him.