Poll
Question:
What you going to do with your maleness
Option 1: I'm planning on a private and or public memorial
votes: 0
Option 2: I'm quietly putting him in a box on a shelf in my closet
votes: 0
Option 3: I'm gathering all the information I have on him and putting into my computer then deleting
votes: 0
Option 4: I'm leaving him under the surface and using his knowlege
votes: 4
Option 5: I'm integrating him into my new persona.
votes: 22
Option 6: I'm not quite sure how to deal with this
votes: 3
Option 7: mix of above
votes: 4
Option 8: none of above( please explain)
votes: 7
I personally for myself don't feel a need to do anything except change the clothes I wear because the more I transition the more I realize for myself I always have been this woman and dealt with my world as a woman . I just was never dressed properly.
for me as a two spirit, he took a backseat and "I" the woman am driving. We are getting along though. He likes the fact that he does not have to take the reigns and pretend to be something hes not, letting me be the one to shine.
I'm starting a new catch phrase "there's a poll for that" j/k :)
I discontinued the masculine pretense and began living as the authentic me.
He was around for so long, that for me, it feels disingenuous to say he is gone.
Yes, Jack is still around. He surfaces in moments of crisis. He is my spiritual rock.
He may return someday. Who knows?
Quote from: kittenpower on July 24, 2015, 05:23:45 PM
I'm starting a new catch phrase "there's a poll for that" j/k :)
I discontinued the masculine pretense and began living as the authentic me.
I have a feeling there is as many possible polls as there are dust particles floating in space
Find him and destroy him
I've never looked at it that way. I've always seen my maleness as strictly physical. Are you referring to transitioning your personalities as well or..?
One of the things I learnt during my transition was that I had always just been a woman - at least in who I was and how I acted. I've changed very little.. It seems I never really had a male persona, just a female one with male labels attached.
Quote from: Jean24 on July 24, 2015, 05:55:31 PM
I've never looked at it that way. I've always seen my maleness as strictly physical. Are you referring to transitioning your personalities as well or..?
Transition has awakened my sense of identity in general ...
I am surprised by what has come to the surface as I was identifying female pre-transition.
I think the best move for me is to allow those things a voice and a place - whenever they need to be heard. Otherwise I can end up feeling conflicted, confused etc. It is what it is.
My "male persona" was a sham. It became increasingly uncomfortable to perform, so I stopped the acting and let the real me flow through.
Quote from: Jean24 on July 24, 2015, 05:55:31 PM
I've never looked at it that way. I've always seen my maleness as strictly physical. Are you referring to transitioning your personalities as well or..?
I don't know was your personality guided by your social role
as far as I know, neither maleness or femaleness is entirely guided by or fixated to the "body" gender imho is latched onto your mind and spirit.
At first I was going to say, Intergrating, but... that sugest who I am now is different to who I was then, And like I keep saying I am still the same person, just now I freely exspress who I have always been.
So Intergrating doesnt exacly fit, and since I preffer to keep my old photos as a reminder of why Im transitioning in the first place, Keeping evidence under the surface doesnt exacly suit the situation either.
So how do I treat my past exsperiences? Just like all my new ones.
I've never thought that I have any kind of separate personas, I'm just me. Sure, I've changed and my behaviour has changed after I've become more comfortable with myself and my surroundings, but that happens with life anyway. There was a big difference in who I was when I was a small kid versus who I was when I was a young person even though I was still under the false impression that I was male. I don't see this any different, really.
I've managed to adopt the attitude where even if I do sometimes question myself with "is this thing I'm doing female?", I just think "well, I'm a woman so clearly this thing I'm doing is suitable for females". It took a long time to get to that point, but it's empowering as all hell.
^^^ THIS ^^^
I didnt vote because I dont really understand the question. As far as I'm concerned I never had a male persona to do anything with and thats why during the brief seven or eight years that I posed as male I never fitted in.
I have never viewed my male presentation and my female presentation as separate personas. I am me, and always have been me. The only difference is my behavior, I no longer do those things that helped me fit in when I was perceived as male. The biggest thing I can think of is I don't have to pretend that I give a crap about football.
Very interesting.
I know I am the odd-one-out somewhat in the way I identify.
--
I too was certain that the male roles and modes I inhabited were just superficial, and that deep down I had a female identity.
But my male characteristics ran deeper than that. Enough to say that my male persona is in fact a side of my identity.
---
The contrast of experience transition has given me, has shown that I have the potential and inclination to inhabit quite diverse roles and modes.
Again, these run so deeply now that they constitute other sides to my identity.
---
This was difficult to deal with at first. But I now have a reconciliation. I have multiple ways of identifying, and my personas have a meaningful place. It works for me.
No personas. All of it is me.
I had a painful exchange with my younger brother this week because after months of silence he told me that he didn't have time or space in his life to get to know a new person. My response was plain and simple, I am not a new person, I am me unrestrained, I am more me than ever.
That's the truth. The "male" me was little more than wrong hormones, clothing, other people's assumptions and the roles I was forced to play. "He" was me minus so much of my personality. I threw out the ephemera and paraphernalia of a performance that was thrust upon me. My masculine traits fit neatly into the total me, which is inherently feminine.
Quote from: Kellam on July 25, 2015, 09:49:50 AM
I had a painful exchange with my younger brother this week because after months of silence he told me that he didn't have time or space in his life to get to know a new person. My response was plain and simple, I am not a new person, I am me unrestrained, I am more me than ever.
That's the truth. The "male" me was little more than wrong hormones, clothing, other people's assumptions and the roles I was forced to play. "He" was me minus so much of my personality. I threw out the ephemera and paraphernalia of a performance that was thrust upon me. My masculine traits fit neatly into the total me, which is inherently feminine.
Amen
Quote from: stephaniec on July 24, 2015, 06:12:50 PM
I don't know was your personality guided by your social role
Well there were never any men in my life to show me how to act, if that's what you're asking. Unlike most kids my friends were split about 50/50 down the gender line until I was a teen and most of my upbringing was done by my mother, grandmother, and aunts. I assume you have or had a more dominant male persona than me. Do you mean it's just a front so people don't raise eyebrows or were you content with being male or what? I honestly don't understand what's being asked.
Quote from: Jean24 on July 25, 2015, 10:14:04 AM
Well there were never any men in my life to show me how to act, if that's what you're asking. Unlike most kids my friends were split about 50/50 down the gender line until I was a teen and most of my upbringing was done by my mother, grandmother, and aunts. I assume you have or had a more dominant male persona than me. Do you mean it's just a front so people don't raise eyebrows or were you content with being male or what? I honestly don't understand what's being asked.
I'll try to explain from my own perspective. I was aware when I was 4 that I belonged on the female side of the tracks. I did my damnedest to be a woman , but my social world of parents and school didn't appreciate my need. My parents were very loving , but couldn't understand what was wrong with me wanting to be my natural self so they tried to guide me towards a male world. My male persona developed as a defense mechanism . That persona was only there to protect me from harm. My true self had to hide a very long time. I've only recently broke free of the falseness . I am me as I've always been I have no intention of being any different except in outward appearance such as clothes, make up etc. I accept the male persona because I needed the protection , but I'll always be the woman I am.
The "male persona" I had was really a tomboyish ones. I'm still going to be fixing cars, climbing antenna towers, shooting guns, etc. But I've always enjoyed cooking and crafts. And now that I am getting a body I'm not ashamed of, I like fashion and aesthetics too.
so weird , I wore a T-shirt and jeans for 60 years , now I have an increasing wardrobe of pretty dresses.
"He" was never really a "he" to begin with. I've been somewhat effeminate my whole life. I don't have a male persona...I just wear guy clothes to work and pretend I'm not dying to shed my skin like a snake for a few hours. I mean, there will be some changes. I'll be less inclined to go along with the "guy talk", and far less likely to indulge in forced "guyish" behaviours, but overall...well, to sum it up, I've been called gay my whole life, really, because of how I act. It's not in my voice, it's not in my posture, but the woman has always been there in my speech patterns, behaviour, and my attitude. I got called a "sassy little thing" last night...lol
Well I've never been called gay except in elementary school. What did happen though is that men were reluctant to be friends with me. Women were far easier to talk with. And that's because I was really just one of them, lol.
I had a group of male friends in high school , but on looking back on my life it really wasn't a great experience with the things we did to try to be guys. I was much more happier being with a group of girls I met when I was 19.
Quote from: Kellam on July 25, 2015, 09:49:50 AM
I had a painful exchange with my younger brother this week because after months of silence he told me that he didn't have time or space in his life to get to know a new person. My response was plain and simple, I am not a new person, I am me unrestrained, I am more me than ever.
That's the truth. The "male" me was little more than wrong hormones, clothing, other people's assumptions and the roles I was forced to play. "He" was me minus so much of my personality. I threw out the ephemera and paraphernalia of a performance that was thrust upon me. My masculine traits fit neatly into the total me, which is inherently feminine.
What a great and inciteful msg. I've got to save this one. I'm sure this will come in handy "very soon"
Thx,
Joi
Quote from: Kellam on July 25, 2015, 09:49:50 AM
I had a painful exchange with my younger brother this week because after months of silence he told me that he didn't have time or space in his life to get to know a new person. My response was plain and simple, I am not a new person, I am me unrestrained, I am more me than ever.
That's the truth. The "male" me was little more than wrong hormones, clothing, other people's assumptions and the roles I was forced to play. "He" was me minus so much of my personality. I threw out the ephemera and paraphernalia of a performance that was thrust upon me. My masculine traits fit neatly into the total me, which is inherently feminine.
I have a brother who thinks along these lines about me too, trying my best to let it go.
Is this about personality or about appearance?
I am and will be the same person, except less aggressive and more patient. I had my taste of E that just calmed down everything.
In terms of appearance, it is just leave-behind-and-don't-look-back thing. I may fall back, but never look back.
He was a sad miserable man whom was a lost lot. That being said I took some of the things he was interested in and am using them for myself but, not to the degree or interest that he did. I did get a couple of his problems, but they don't pop up as much or are as bad as what they once were. I did take some of his friends and adorable kitty though ;)
I am still that person, just without the male facade. I'm just the me I want to be rather than the me I had to be.
There is no way I am throwing away my life so far. Forty-nine years, 23 of them married, two children and tons of memories. Pictures will remain, stories shall be told and memories will be relived. Denying that past which is a part of me is like denying the woman that is inside of me. Like it or not, it's me and just like I have to accept who I am, I also need to accept who I was.
It's really impossible to change who I am unless I went into a deprograming, reeducation drug induced lobotomy . I like myself quite a bit and I'll always be who I've always been. I just decided to totally accept myself in total and not deny what was deemed by my social world as not right. My brain was born like this and to me its wrong to think my brain wasn't supposed to be like this. For too long I fought, but I know now there is no reason to fight.
I'm the same person I was before, just not hiding the girlier aspects of my personality. I always get a bit weirded out with the whole viewing yourself in third person thing a lot of people mention.
I think this question is a fascinating window into what makes us tick. Nice one Steph :~)
He was a shame, but some of the things that I did benefit from the experiences have been merged into who I am now. In some ways what was needing integrating was, but on the most part the rest just got left behind of him.
Mariah
My male persona started slowly coming off before transitioning.. So I have just been behaving like myself now XD
I think "Persona" is exactly the right word for my past presentation. A thesaurus: front, facade, public image, guise etc.
After years of coping i certainly was able to "act like a man" with a male persona even if I felt my feminine shadow was always with me. I am now out and proud and do not need a persona as I feel real congruence for the first time in my life. The real me had a long history and integrating that experience with my current life is easy and true and i don't get tripped up trying to deny my past.
I do not contest how others feel but I am a different person than I was three years ago. Way different, more happy and content with who I am.
Kind of merged some of him with me. But the more I think back the more I realize my male persona was fake. Before I turned thirteen and convinced myself I needed to act like a male I was more into girly things. And only acted male so I could fit in. That persona was weak and miserable but a few things I'll keep around.
I'm not really sure how to answer this question in terms of the poll options. What I can say is that without all the 'poetic notions' about the situation I'm still me but un-restrained. I still needed to believe more than that though. My male life became so entangled with everything negative and uncomfortable that these things became indistinguishable from my male identity - I literally became my depression and anger and so on. Being male and feeling horrible about everything became almost completely inseparable. As a result of this even the fears I had about transition and surgery became part of my male identity.
On the morning of my FFS surgery I recorded a "Good-bye" video message to myself. It was very emotional and painful but a moment I wanted to remember. When I went to sleep on the operating table it represented for me my male self finally being able to rest for good and taking all the bad energy away with him. I would awake without all the emotional baggage and be free to live a happy and peaceful life as a woman alone. Obviously this isn't really how it happened but looking at it this way was the only route to setting myself free of the past and casting off all the restraints. I could only progress so far without believing 'He' was a separate entity who could 'pass the baton'.
my inward self was always the female , I just needed that outward shield to help me make it to transition.